Dance to...

I gotta say that I had some pretty tough kinda God knows what to call it last night after I went to bed....

I laid down trying to go to sleep.... then I knew the past is coming back...

There were not too much of "perceivable" visions, hallucinations and even delusions... other than these four words kept on going on in my head the whole time like broken record... "無量壽佛"...... Just don't ask me why....

Essentially, what I went through was what I had experienced the night before my second hospitalization....

I was laying in bed.... receiving attacks from the darkest of the demonic forces for the whole night...

Other than all of the things that went on in my head, there were all those real bodily movements... involuntary...

So for over an hour, off and on, that part of the past came back to me....

It was as if my body went into seizure.... the whole body just kept on jerking around in all different ways... so violent that the whole body actually would jump away from the bed...

So, I just laid there the whole time.... letting the body jump up and fell back down.... again, again and some more times...

At points, I could still feel in my heart the deepest sorrow and wept...

The whole time, I begged to God... "Don't let anyone be exposed to what exactly is going on..."

Yet, most of the times, there is nothing cognitively going on other than the sound of "無量壽佛" in all different ground... It was as if the chanting of "無量壽佛" is to provide me with a safe haven to go back to the past I would never want to revisit again.... It was if it is the prayer for God's mercy to spare me from trials unnecessary....

At times, I could vaguely have the vision and remembrance of the past... then, there would come this whispering.... "Let go of your cognition...."

The Dasein itself.

Other times, as I inevitably wondered whether there is a shortcut to end all these... so I heard... "There is no shortcut."

The Dasen remained real... despite of the lack of deligent cognitive processing weaving up them webs of delusions that feed on each other...

At some point, I had to make this request....

"Do me a favor... remember that I still have to wake up early to go to work...." 8-O lol

Eventually I fell asleep and slept right through the night...

Waking up in the morning, I pondered to myself.... how much more insane am I going to be... indicators being them voices and delusions?

Then I walked out of my room... into the world.... only to find...

Man... where are they--- the excessive amount of psychotic symptoms? 8-O lol

Then, I started working on them software programs the whole day.... till towards the end of the day.... observing that slow yet symptom-minus head of mine...

I couldn't help but say....

"What an insane life...."

The insane sanity of life... I guess...

After work, on my way home and later towards the park, the self-referencing kind of propensity got stronger and, at some point, this voices said, "Time to be psychotic...."

Having spotted the hawk flying past, the might have made me feel a bit more settled....

So they say... hawks watch over the small ones and I am a spring chicken (although sort of old)... so I thought... 8-O lol

So I was prepared.... come what may... let it run...

Yet, nothing unusual....

The body moved and moved slowly till there came the time when I went into this dancing kind of mode...

So I thought... "Dance to my psychosis...."

Then, I danced on and danced on... and... happier and happier with my psychosis we danced....

I was happy... Absolutely happy...

It felt calming... really calm....

And, there was nothing but joy... to feel... I guess... in sync... somehow...

Then this old poem came to my mind and in my heart I recited...

起舞弄清影 何似 在人間
轉朱閣 低綺戶 照無眠
不應有恨 何事長向別時圓
人有悲歡離合 月有陰晴圓缺 此事古難全
但願人長久 千里共嬋娟

Later on... this other poem came up to my mind...

漢皇重色思傾國 御宇多年求不得 楊家有女初長成 養在深閨人未識
天生麗質難自棄 一朝選在君王側 回眸一笑百媚生 六宮粉黛無顏色
春寒賜沿華清池 溫泉水滑洗凝脂 侍兒扶起嬌無力 始是新承恩澤時
雲鬢花顏金步搖 芙蓉帳暖度春宵 春宵苦短日高起 從此君王不早朝
承歡侍宴無閒暇 春從春遊夜專夜 後宮佳麗三千人 三千寵愛在一身
......
七月七日長生殿 夜半無人私語時
在天願作比翼鳥 在地願為連理枝 天長地久有盡時 此恨綿綿無絕期

Then... I thought... so sad... the departure.... I guess... of whatever I have been fighting all these times....

The, I heard... "Take care of yourself..."

Then, I thought... take care of yourself though let's not say "see you again"... 8-O lol

I know I am not symptom free...

I know I still need my drugs...

I know.... at the same time... the core that has been with me all these times... almost time to depart....

Then, as I felt all was quieting down....

I heard this voice... "The toughest task is still ahead when you are to be taken away what you really want."

I started to ponder and ponder....

What is it that I want? Fame, wealth, career.... or.... the worse of all things imaginable... the well being of my family?

So I said to God....

"Do no harm.... you promised me... you will keep them save and sound.... You can't hurt them.... you have to keep your promise... or..."

Walking up the hill... I could not let go that fear and the ever growing thoughts...

In Dasen, "You could never catch it..." My psychosis me spoke--- back to the ground me brought.

Arriving at home, as I was working on my dinner.... this thought, to me, occured...

"What if you are but ordinary.... nothing special...."

Reminding of them pursuits... extraordinary.... special.....

Let go....