At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we observe whether psychotic and neurotic people could amount to something. Then came the spinal disc herniation and impingement, bringing forth the stage of physical disability. Could someone like me go anywhere or amount to anything is the question. After the official ending of the second psychotic episode lasted for five years, I am ready to move on to the next phase of Ratology- as the solutions unfold.
To end today's posting spree, I will share with you something I have been trying really hard to learn...
So far as I am concerned, a lot of suffering in life are unnecessary. I suspect that it might be the young Werter's sorrow kind of stuff that might have sustained my propensity to maintain or establish the suffering kind of state I might entrap myself in once ever so often.
Can't quite give you a solid example now but it must be evident somewhere in my year's of blah blah blah.... 8-O lol oops...
The key point...
It is no good to suffer because it does not make me happy and I don't like it anyway.
As a result, I reflect upon this question every once in a while...
Aches and pains and physiologically based things... I have no control over them.
Other things do make me feel... Oh... how I suffer! Ya, sometimes gotta cut myself some slacks as welll
Yet, have I made myself suffer unnecessarily and excessively?
If yes, my newly developed and developing self-training style would be applied... back to conditioning...
I would beat myself up so bad with my mouth till I dare not do it again.... till something happens or I find myself slip back... then... conditioning again... 8-O lol
Following are some of the lessons I find most interesting and could help me to recenter myself:
Very applicable for people with paranoia and delusions like me...
What other people think of you is none of your business. (There goes the reiteration of my can't-mind-my-own-business disorder)
Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. (Actually, nobody else really gives a rat's ass. 8-O lol oops...)
Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?" (This would be helpful if you can't snap yourself out of the looping thoughts and, in a perfect situation, the above two should be sufficient. If the looping thoughts still don't run dry after a long while and keep on building on, check the meds. 8-O)
What I have tried my best to apply...
Always choose life. (and... health, happiness and love)
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
Overprepare, then go with the flow.
Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
Pay off your credit cards every month.
Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
Some other quotes...
Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
Believe in miracles.
Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
Today, I read that time magazine has listed Farmville, a game I have been playing on facebook, as one of the 50 worst invention.
Interestingly, last night, I was pondering to myself about this thing I would call... "Virtual generation atypical antipsychotic medication"... or facebook games such as Farmville.
Cafe World
Or other online games alike.... that are...absolutely brainless, not all that exciting and involves this mechanism called click till you die... 8-O lol
I don't know what other people get from playing these games...
One thing I do know is that...
The what would otherwise be considered as boring tasks: cooking them dishes in Cafe World, growing crops in Farmville, collecting bonus/rewards through news feeds, sending and receiving gifts to facebook friends etc... definitely helps to slow and calm me down....
And, I thought, over a month now on 25 mg Seroquel only, my head somehow kept on getting clearer and clearer... In addition, after an entire year of struggling, now I finally could really read. I now also feel more like I am in this world... (though... no doubt, I am still psychotic and my body could do things as abnormal as could be, which I have become accustomed to after these past two years...)
Maybe... part of it is the contribution of the "virtual generation atypical antipsychotic medication"? 8-O
How does it work? I am not even gonna further entertain it since it defeats the purpose of having total concentration in brainlessness. 8-O lol
Does it really work? How is it even my business anyway since my business is to find ways to live and..... especially when different things work for different people and the effects might even vary within the same person?
The Lamont Hall at LDEO (A campus of Columbia University that reminds me of UBC) is apparently a library now where I am accessing the Internet from....
A deer and I were just staring at each other until the guy ran away not too far from the picture...
If there is one person I am most afraid of on this planet to me at this point... guess who?
Yet, it would be me myself. 8-O lol
So, I let myself be a drama queen and whine and whined and whined... reminiscene about the times past while the time is, no doubt, always passing by.
It was either Saturday night and Sunday morning... when that drama queen part of me intents to come out and become, I guess, the daily queen... 8-O
OMG... The pending departure in less than a month if ain't no nothing happens... above and beyond all the other blah blah blah....
Sad... hurt... depressed... and so on, so forth...
Finally, I really was not about to entertain it any more...
So to myself I said... something like...
"If you can't enjoy the remaining time in New York and consider it a chance to live your life in New York, you don't deserve to stay and I am gonna go and book the cheapest flight tomorrow to shuffle your sorry behind right off this continent since you can be sorry anywhere. Stop it already." 8-O 8-X lol
It is not like I won't allow myself to feel bad etc. That would be counter productive.
It is more like... it doesn't make sense for me to make myself feel more miserable or worst off than the appropriate quota... If I were to over do it, I am simply entrapping myself in unnecessary misery and I won't even get any sympathy, empathy, and whatever-athy--- except for apathy--- from myself for such stupidity. 8
More importantly, have I done everything I could do and have I been responsible for myself? I think so....
Not to mention, ok, not to discount your predicament, but... there are plenty of people who are worst off.
I must have gotten myself really scared and da drama queen stopped.
Then, when melancholy comes to visit, I still welcome it and entertain it since it is entitled to its place. When I think I get it entertain well enough, with due respect, I say...
"Come again if you want but right now I've got to say bye bye."
Intuitively, this would be the most logical solution... 8-O lol
Whether I am really doing what I think I am trying to do is another issue...
Some interesting progression in my cognitive processing in recent times... and as the dosage gradually went down in recent months...
First, I finally was able to convince myself that... How is it anybody else's business what the heck is in my mind?
A bit later, I finally was able to think... "How is it anybody else's business what the heck I write in my private blog since it is but a private journal for myself?
In even more recent time, finally, "How is it anybody else's business what the heck it is that comes out of my mouth if I am not talking to them?"
So, I was asked this question...
"What make you think so?"
"Oh... because I am psychotic. It is the most fundamental of the condition." 8-O 8-X lol
Then, in even more recent days, something this friend of mine once had me told kept on popping to my mind...
It was before I was labeled as psychotic.... over a decade ago now...
One day, I was sitting at the bar. A few seats away sat this other regular. We had been hanging out at the same bar for quite a while then...
Each every move and look of his told me that he knew something....
Finally, I collected enough "courage" and asked him this question....
"Have you ever heard anyone talking about me recently?"
My poor friend apparently was interrupted from his own train of thoughts and gave me that embarrassing look...
"I am so sorry! I have been having so much trouble at home that I have not been paying anybody else any mind."
Since normal people can't quite tell me how they think and since this seems to be an example of how normal people act and think...
So I think to myself.... maybe the next task to learn about how to be normal is... "I am having so much problem keeping up with what is in my own "house" that I can't be paying nobody else's no mind." lol oops...
Believe it or not though... personally, I prefer to believe such progression as an improvement somehow... Of course... only time could tell.... remember... emerging vs forcing... except for.. not quite easy a task... especially when you are using an "invalid" instrument as an evaluation measure... such this whatever-it-is head of mine... 8-O 8-X lol sigh
My learning to let go is like playing Mafia War...
When I was under level 400 or 500, I tried really hard to level up and always ponder what it would be like to be at a higher level.
After a certain level, I stop pondering since...
Come on... what is the point since, don't bust your head too hard over it since, as long as you keep on playing, today's level up would always be tomorrow's lower level. 8-O
Some days you even forget to level up because I was busy cooking or training my dog.... or checking out beauty products. 8-O lol
My Mafia War view at level 653... not too high... not really low... sort of somewhere in the middle...
Wonder whether it is the maxima/minima or again local maxima/minima?
1 month or two after my June 19th, 2007 accident, mama cooked me an egg and let me cracked the egg open and eat it... 8-O lol
What it symbolizes is the idea of 脫竅 or 脫殼... essentially... get rid of the bad... bad... bad...
or
Unfortunately, the egg my mama cooked that day was still raw and not yet done.... 8-O lol
It was around this hour 3 years ago when the chair collapsed... and my whole life shattered with it...
I lost everything.... essentially my health and who I thought myself was or was to be.
While everyone else is busy building their career, wealth, smart, etc, I was busy trying to find ways to piecemeal my body and mind together.
OK, I know it is exaggeration, but, I suspect that sometimes it is only healthy to allow myself to be a drama queen once for a while for the sake of it. It is because... come on... when can I be "authorized" to mourn about my lost functionalities in my knees, shoulders, neck, back and head... especially when now the worker's com case has closed and I have sold my body for money (shoulders and knees only since nobody wants to pay for my back 8-O lol sigh)? (And, yes, FYI... you don't get compensated for your pains and suffering. You also don't get compensated for your back in scenarios like mine. You only get compensated for permanent damages in your shoulders and knees. It is simply the law. Please noted that here... I am focusing on what I lost.)
So I decided to cook myself an egg this afternoon.... I cracked it open and ate it. So I took a second to investigate the boiled egg... This time, it is ready... (and I hope so since the egg is already in my stomach and I don't really want to eat this thousand year old egg raw... 8-O lol)
What is the purpose?
Guess, it is a ritual.
A ritual I participate in to help myself let go of the past.
I know that the arrival of June 19th, 2010 will not gonna bring forth a miracle... (I know I am certified crazy... but you think I am stupid?! 8-O lol)
I know I still can not run and I can only walk as fast as my body allow me to... etc.
I am still psychotic while symptoms manageable at a "really" low dose.
Yet, it is a benchmark for me.
Also, most importantly, I am still kicking...
And, the shell-cracking of a cooked egg and the act of eating it is not going to shrink me a whole size so that I can look like them skinny toothpicks on the street.
To be honest, my recent venture into exfoliation from head to toe might do a more real kind of job to help me get rid of my dead skin... and that is part of the ritual as well... 8-O lol
However, so far as I am concerned...
All else I might and might not accomplish with blah blah blah blah blah...
One thing I am sure is... and I just realized is... that...
That egg you saw me eating and was actually cooked well... neither too raw or too old...
That egg was the first egg I boiled in my entire life so far and I did not realize until today that I have never boiled an egg by myself in my entire life... unless... oh... my bad memory... Did I forget? 8-O lol 8-X
Years back, this friend of mine had me told... something like...
"You are too much influenced by your mental health condition."
At a much younger and more understanding age, I responded with something along the line... Human development.
Speaking of the power of environmental impact on human development... nature + nurture...
2-3 years later, I have developed low tolerance for BS or what I consider as BS (well, if everyone is entitled to their opinion, I am entitled to be opinionated as well and in exercising my right to judge things as bull or not, I guess).
If it were today, I would have shut him up even before he could voice that opinion with...
"Cut the bull. I am not gonna entertain that."
Although this might have something to do with the dosage of 25 mg which is essential in keeping me in touch with reality and a sense of self.... 8-X lol
Such is one of the developmental outcome for having lived through the last 3 years.... not like it is any better or any worse... just the way it is. 8-O lol sigh
It is some time and the duration of time for some significant benchmark in my life.
It took me 3 years to get my junior and senior high school diploma.
I went to Taiwan university for 3 years. Afterwards, I spent 3, in retrospective, interesting time in Vancouver, BC.
The most haunted 3 years in my life so far... would be the last 3 years minus 2...
I have not looked back for the longest time since, I guess, I always knew that, when the time comes, I will look back. Before that, let me keep going while trying my best to smell the roses along the way.
Sort of like how the song went... "人說這人生 海海海海路好行 不通回頭望 望著會茫"... You might get too dizzy when looking back...
Today is the day for me to look back after paying St. John the Divine a visit earlier in the afternoon.
Somewhere in the afternoon of June 19th, 2007, I was in a meeting, eating a piece of raisin bran cookie. The chair collapsed into one piece right underneath me.
The breaking point that set off a journey-- continuing-- into total physical disability and eventually mental disability with pains, struggles and sufferings as the collateral damages.
After I got home that night, my mama was really upset...
"Thank God it was me who took the fall. Not anyone else at the meeting."
Gotta be Percocet talking... or my sheer ignorance about what is yet to unfold...
In retrospective, if the fall would have taken the same amount of toll on anyone else, I should have let someone else from outside of the college to take the fall so that they can get both worker's compensation and sue someone's behind... which I am not going to name, for negligence. 8-O lol sigh
A quote in "I am crazy"-- Lover's Discourse by Roland Barthes
"insane in my own eyes (I know my delirium), simply unreasonable in the eyes of someone else, to whom I quite sanely describe my madness: conscious of this madness, sustaining a discourse upon it..."
"Je suis fou"-- Les' Fragments d'un discours amoureux'de Roland Barthes
"insensé à mes propres yeux (je connais mon délire), simplement déraisonnable aux yeux d’autrui, à qui je raconte très sagement ma folie : conscient de cette folie, tenant discours sur elle." (Je suis fou)
Found some quotes cited in the book "Now is the Time" at Barnes and Noble today.
“If you are going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill
And, in my scenario, if ever I were in hell, I somehow must have helped out building my own hell and I simply have to try my best to walk myself out of it.
Could this be why I walk so much? 8-O
Other quotes used in this book:
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." Steve Jobs
"To love someone deeply gives you strength; being loved by someone deeply give you courage." Lao Tse (8-O)
"All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire but my heart is exclusively my own." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"Our greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising every time we fall." Confucius (8-O)
"Courage is the mastry of fear, not the absence of fear." Mark Twain.
"I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet." Jewish proverb.
"It is better to be making the news than taking it; to be an actor rather than a critic." Winston Churchill
"To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others." Buddha
"Better to lose the anchor than to lose the whole ship."
"Let the dead past bury its dead." Henry Wadsworth Longfallow
"It is a good divine that follows his own instructions." Shakespeare
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." Victor Frankl
"Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance." Epicurus
"It's a thousand times better to have common sense without education than to have education without common sense." Robert Ingersoll
"Experiences is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." Randy Pausch
"The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to." F. Scott Fitzgerald
A toast to the past and treat the not so easy past you would like to let go as a really bad hangover.... 8-O Nothing really to be proud of but that I know... bad hangovers... 8-O lol 8-X
So... 以茶代酒... I raise my cup of chamomile and lavender tea for a toast to a past I am forgoing.... especially the discard-able part of the past 3 years... the pains, suffering and struggles, which I am, maybe, finally, acknowledging... not to mention the cold air, esophagus spasm, the running a train station in my head and all other mental and physical conditions.
I am done suffering.... so suffering... go away.. go away... bad bad bad... go away... 8-O
My life from now on has to be simply joyful and happy since I think I am very much done with my quota. 8-O lol
God bless me, my house, all my family and all my lotteries. 8-O lol
Something someone said reminded me that I have not posted anything here for a while...
I-20 expired again and now I have about a month and a half, as per immigration law, to get myself back to feeling alive cuz... if ain't no nothing gonna happen, such as me winning the green card lottery etc, at least... I gotta be in a state more awaken and alive than now by the time I arrive in Taiwan... 8-X
Anyways, though long story... I must have written something alike before...
To share with you here is quote from "coloring Mandalas"... some words absolutely speak for my life's experience nowadays...
"Fragmentation, confusion comes about because the pattern is beyond your compreshension."
At this point, I stop or try to stop wanting to figure out whether I have completely lost it or something strange is in the air... Too much thinking is useless since most of my thoughts are transient and don't need to be encoded in long term memories anyways-- a waste of storage space, I guess... 8-O lol
All that I can say is I have never lived my life so hard in my entire life... partially having something to do with the fact that... it takes extra amount of work to live a life when you feel so dissociated or disconnected from the rest of the world while, at times, the sense of dissociation would get so bad that you would feel even your "self" dissolve. (Don't understand what I mean? That's fine. I don't understand the majority of the things I somehow have to experience either. It makes at least the two of us.)
My past experience would tell me that this is... once again... the indication that I am overdosed again... except for... it was only about 2-3 months again when the dosage when down to 50 mg of Seroequl?!
In any case, one thing I am sure is that... I am not gonna BS you about not having this big fear about metamorphosis... as in
(Saw this bookcover @ barnes and noble and love it... Am I turning into a da bug? 8-O lol sigh)
And, the matter of the fact... perhaps... the learning that has incurred, at least in the last 3 years, more than I could bargain for above and beyond the contribution of formal school education... though I didn't ask for it. 8-O lol 8-X
For instance... there ain't no nothing more important than health.... lesson extracted through my encounters with total disability in different flavors in recent years.... And, of course, that me I used to know, if not be, for example, would not be able to understand.
Twice in a day, this topic of "can't read" came up after I logged for myself yesterday in my private journal that now I am finally regaining my ability to read again in baby steps.
So I have been saying... it is this kind of never-ending synchronicity that got me stuck in my psychotic state.
A blessing in disguise... nowadays.. I only have memory the size of an atom.... would be nicer if it were the size of peanuts.
Anyways...
The materials I can process now while at the onset of relearning to read... still relatively selective... mostly related to the maintenance of my beauty and health... such as...
How much do I believe in the things I now finally can start reading?
Well... as long as I don't have allergy... it ain't gonna do me any harm to be spraying on me myself some Aqua Rosa Italiana, I guess... 8-O lol
Well... shall I be right... my ability to read is slowly coming back.... what I might need to figure out... how to learn to use this skill without breaking myself... yet, again, apart.....
I got a million calls on my answering machine looking for "Y Chung" or "Y Chang"... Like the following....
Finally, I called them back tonight trying to figure out who the hell is calling me and what for.
So, I asked this woman who answered my phone call what kind of debts they are collecting.
She, instead, asked for the last 4 digits of my social.
I told her... "I am not gonna give you the last 4 digits of my social. That is private information."
She then asked for my birthday. "I am not gonna give you my birthday. That is private and confidential information."
Then, she gave me a wrong last 4 digits of my social and a wrong birthday. And, she told me... sorry... we got the wrong person.
Later on, I realized that... wait a minute... I do recall now that for many a time... I received these debt-collection mail for someone called "Y Chung" (not even my name) and I actually called them back to tell them that I've never had a Victoria's Secret's card and... although I ain't got nothing... me ain't got no debt either except for... oops... gotta take care of some of the bills I haven't got to....
Don't know what it might sound for you.
For me, it seems fishy and I think it is a scam.... and... speaking of... identity theft kinda thing.
Decided to cook myself some miso soup based dinner tonight... only to find out... possibly... especially smokers or those attempting to quit like me....
Miso soup and soy products might help you save your lungs...
There is something strange about my walking... above and beyond what I have mentioned so far...
Every time I walked out of them long walks... I have the feeling that I am a life time away if not many life times away from where I started... if not... also... many reincarnations away.... (and... I must have done many many a thing wrong having to reincarnate so many a time... 8-O oops...)
Then, I think to myself...
Thank God... now I have been trained to not really care what my head has to say... since, apparently, my head changes its mind almost at the speed of light... 8-O lol sigh
I tried out soaking my feet with ginger for a change Friday night since... all of a sudden, I started to have this salty sense in my mouth every time I feel cold air coming out from the bottom of my tongue.
It makes me feel warm and... forgotten already.
Yet, one lesson I learned for myself... ginger foot bath or bath might help others sleeping but it doesn't help with my sleeping... had problem falling asleep and sleep through the night.
I soaked my feet in used tea bags and tea leaves... and two drops of essential oils containing ingredients lavender and rosemary instead last night... Don't quite remember how easy it was for me to fall asleep... one thing I do know... I slept for something like a good 10 if not 11 hours...
Real lesson learned, I guess, for me... different things work for different people and we simply have to find what works for ourselves...
And, again, what really worked? Not my issues no more... as long as I sleep like a baby.
I have this gut feeling based my recent experiences... There is something about Lavender.... or maybe not...
The idea of lavender came to me last week when I found it listed in a book at Barnes and Nobles as a sleep aid kinda herb...
So... I found myself some lavender epsom salt and some tea including lavender and other, presumably, sleep enhancing herbs...
I have been sleeping like a baby since Saturday on... and knock on woods...
Then, I came up with this smart idea... maybe I should go look for some lavender hand cream for the day time so that people don't have to hear my mouth when I see things ain't right... side effects of decreased meds and nicotine....
So... today, I went searching for a lavender smell that I can sleep with and I can be awake with...
Then, I got home... out of curiosity...
Why isn't my psychotic symptoms running overboard? (No complaints)
Did some googling for some info concerning lavender etc and schizo-etc and came up with something like the following...
Apparently, there is some potential scientific basis for my feeling sedated by my lavender alike venture.... just when I think I am really going crazy due to the decreasing insight blah blah blah.... 8-O lol
At the same time, in my scenario, it doesn't matter whether it is placebo effect or not, you see, as long as it works... such as helping me get a good long night of sleep....
Still on my meds... of course... in other words, the herbal stuffs are the supplements...
The good thing about these new routines... regardless... it doesn't hurt....
In addition, part of the reason why I didn't entertain this kinda stuff was because--- up to some time last year, "having problem sleeping" was mostly a foreign concept.
Used to be, it takes the medication to help me dumb myself down to the lowest common denominator for the benefit of my mental health condition. And, I tried so hard to fight it.
If anything I have been trying to learn these past few months if not years... a dream or not... I think I am or whichever parts of me are getting pretty good at dumbing me down nowadays and I am damn happy about it... (tell you I am crazy).... although not yet expert level... and hope there is some truth in it.
Sudden decrease in smoking after I got myself so shit-faced that I spent an entire day and night worshiping the procelain God
I have never had any problem sleeping until last year... Don't I miss them golden years of precious ignorance? sigh
First, I started having problem falling asleep... Then, in my recent times, I started to wake up multiple times during the night.
Medication... medication.... much of my sleep-related blah blah blah is associated with Seroquel...
At the same time, the sudden decrease of the number of cigarettes I smoke... (2 smokes a day not instead of a pack or so) might also play a role in the sleep problem. At the same time, something tells me to stick to 2 cigarettes a day for a bit longer because "this might help the system to get back to homeostasis" - so something has me told.
Since the dosage of Seroquel is lowered again
more alert or awake during the day time
cold air overflowing through out my body and annoyingly coming out of my mouth. Extremely uncomfortable
energy overflowing with a puff or two of cigarette or walking.... as two of the remedies known to me by now
it seems like, right after the dosage get decreased, my body would get into problem again such as pain, walking problem etc. At this point in my life, since there ain't no nothing I could do about it, I just let my body do whatever it has to do as long as I am kicking... 8-O lol sigh
sleep disruption is something that has been driving me up the wall. The problem I face is that... I would keep on waking up... some nights I would wake up 5-6 times over the duration of a 7- hour or so sleep. This is pure suffering.
Since sleep problem is a known side effect of reducing Seroquel dosage and since I don't really want to get into the habit of taking sleeping pills unless necessary, I have to try out something else. Following are the things that I have been trying so far...
Drink Herbal Tea: Peppermint, Chamomile, and... after the sleeping problem got worst, I got this Yogi Tea Bedtime which contains herbs known to help sleeping and relaxation such as Valerian Root, Passion Flower, Chamomile Flower, Skullcap Leaf, St. John's Wort Leaf Flower, English Lavender Flower, Stevia Leaf
Foot soaking: I add Epsom salt and all the tea bags left from the day time into a pot of hot water and soak my feet. I started using this Rite Aid brand of Lavender Epsom salt two days ago and... wow... that wonderful smell itself gave me a buzz... 8-O lol
Body lotion: Lavender.... Lavender... Lavender... Lavender... at least upper body... at the same time, my body is getting so spoilt that... if the scent is not right, I can't sleep with it. For instance, cookie or orange/tangerine kind of smell used to work but no longer work in helping me falling asleep. Therefore, I am not gonna buy you unless I can sleep with you... my new policy with body cream... So far, I can sleep with bodyshop and Crabtree and Evelyn. (Maybe I really am a princess... sort of like... the princess and the peas?! At the same time, never in my life working so hard trying to figure out who to sleep with 8-O lol)
Make sure enough nicotine in the system before going to sleep...
I finally woke up this morning feeling that there is some improvement in my sleep... I woke up only twice before I have to get up to work as opposed to 5-6 times.
At the same time, believe it or not, the whole foot soak thing and tea thing do seem to help me feel sleepy even before taking Seroquel.
What exactly worked or happened?
At this point in my life, not my issue.
Though I do ponder at times... Am I getting crazier or not?
I had to rush home right after work... I got a date.
So I waited patiently or impatiently... for the man to show... from 6 o'clock on....
Sort of like...
Almost 9...
Where is the man I have been waiting for for all these time?
I finally decided to pick up the phone and made the call....
So I asked....
"I have been waiting the entire night... dare not go anywhere and dare not even take a shower.... where is the cable guy who is scheduled to pick up my cable box?"
"The appointment is next week."
OMG... I have been sitting here thinking I have a date with the cable guy for the entire time except for no man have me on the calendar at all?!" 8-O lol
I haven't been jotting thoughts down for a while even in my internal blog or journal.
The following words spoken by my voices captures it all... "Ratology can wait."
It ain't gonna do nobody good if I am not in a stable and healthy state.
Think this might be time for some notes:
The core assumption: alright, I am abnormal. As a result, any deliberation about whether I am crazy or not is non-sensical.
Meds: Somehow there was the feeling that I was becoming overdrugged again. It's been a week since I am on 100 mg Seroquel as opposed to 150 mg (and as opposed to 600 mg I was on last year this time). Strange enough, symptoms are like ships passing in the sea.
The main life's tasks now a days: stay 空空 (Taiwanese expression of dumb dumb I guess... 8-O lol) and do exercise, eat well and walk.
Survival principle: Some things I have been learning to practice these past few weeks if not months:
Dedramatization: Given my conditions (hallucinations, delusions), I am a certified drama queen... as a result, you want drama? Go watch TNT.
Dumb and dumber: It is actually my preferred state now to not have to think too much especially when, for me, a lot of thoughts are very useless. Moreover, somehow I am coming to believe that my biggest problem in life is that I am too good at thinking... good to the extent that I got myself thoughts intoxicated. 8-O lol sigh
KISS (Keep it simple and stupid): If I like something then I say I like it and I act on it. I love food therefore I eat. What is the need for them strange complications. (No wonder sometimes I seriously think that, I am crazy but normal people are crazier... 8-O oops... )
Don't know nothing: Just live it and I have the feeling that I can live through it. I don't need to know (e.g., why the cold running through all over the body... the extremely uncomfortable feeling of energy running through out too fast... why walking in and out... blah blah blah... til why feeling my whole body bubbling recently... sort of like a fish... 8-O lol etc). The more I try to know, the more useless thinking I engage myself in, the more efforts I make to drive myself nuts... I guess... 8-O lol
"I am not entertaining it."... or the 無聊 or 吃飽太閒 (in Taiwanese even better) principle... or the Harry Potter "ridiculous" strategy: many of the things could be it... a means towards dedramatization.
Side thoughts about them normal people.... the burden of being normal.... too much slack.... 8-O lol oops...
I have a good feeling, though, that... soon... all these will run through... As for the keeping my head and mind empty thing.... what is the point of trying to stuck more stuffs into your head if the purpose is to vacuum it? And, how on earth could I have lived my past life the extreme of a type A personality in New York City? (is she crazy? check your assumptions.)
On my way home, this thought emerge... Thank God not I am not the norm... otherwise, shall the entire world be operating under my kinda MO... we would all be but waiting to eat air or 吃空氣... 8-O lol
Therefore... you know.. it is ok to be normal.... whatever it might mean for the normal to be normal...
Got this email from someone who I have not heard of for the longest time.... telling me that she was severely ill.
The last time I spoke with her really, I was listening to her and I saw myself.
I told her.
"You might not want to believe it but you need to see a psychiatrist. I don't know your diagnosis but you are psychotic because I am one."
Like me at the onset, she did believe it and, I suspect, neither did the people she knew.
Instead of going to see a psychiatrist, she chatted with this acquaintance of her who was a school guidance counselor in training and cooked up the diagnosis of some kind of personality disorder.
Today, it is my belief that...
Coping is difficult. Granted.
At points, you falter and you get back to the cuckoo's nest. This mostly has to do with the fact that symptoms morph and they morph. In other words, simply because you are aware of the fact that you are psychotic doesn't immunize you... otherwise, I would not have gone back to the psychiatric ward for the second and third time.
And, honestly, today, I have eventually moved to a stage within which I am not even gonna entertain why so many of us have to go through similar process yet needing to find our own way home....
However, the most difficult part, in retrospective, is living with and through the onset.... especially when... you and the people you know simply can not believe that you could be one of them.... psychotic.
(Think about this... how guilty might you feel trying to even conceive the notion that... so and so is having a psychotic onset....)
After I heard from her, I felt a bit guilty because... what if I have tried harder to persuade her to see a licensed doctor instead? Would that have helped her to prevent the worsening of the symptoms?
Then, I realized that it was a nonsensical thought.
First of all, it is not like I am her family and there is anything else I could have done about it.
Second, patients need to have enough of I don't know what you might call it and knows that they need help.
Rethinking the onset...
I actually was seeing a psychiatrist and my psychiatrist actually told me point-blank... "you are delusional."
I walked out of the clinic, getting back to work... thinking... "He is part of the conspiracy."
Luckily, some time later, I eventually walked myself into ER voluntarily on that Saturday afternoon and told the people on duty.
"I need to be locked up."
So I shipped myself into the psychiatric ward for the first time because I realized that I was losing control over my ability to concentrate... 8-O (Still lack of insights I guess... Yet, enough of insight for help seeking behavior.)
So I think... ouch... ouch... ouch...
All the advances they speak of in science etc.... onsets still pop up left and right all over the globe?!
Could it be... the unavoidable--- the unavoidable.
And, how could it be? The unavoidable remains the unavoidable?!
What could help?
One thing I am pretty sure is that... since even in person communication didn't seem to help at all, this blog... What help?
One breakthrough in my coping mechanism with the symptoms (people could read my mind and I could sense their presence etc....)--> "I am not responsible for my psychotic symptoms." and "Who told your to invade my head without permission?"
Unfortunately, there is no standard interventions for my own symptoms. Some might work for a while and, all of a sudden, doesn't work. My coping so far... a constant processing of finding out the things that might work.
Taking symptoms such as people could read my mind and hear my thought thing...
You could tell yourself that... it is but your symptoms. Yet, good luck with that... if you could win it over this way, they wouldn't have been coined as pathological.
If you don't give a bag of beans about how others feel, you could simply run your mouth on and on at them "unauthorized intruders in your head." End results, other people might find it difficult to get your attention and find your head all flaky... This might be the same reason why, sometimes on the street, you hear people all of a sudden yelling at you for no good reason.
Yesterday, for instance, as I was walking down Broadway, this woman came towards me and yelled... "Keep on playing your game!!"
I went... "8-O you could see them people accessing my head without authorizations and you are actually speaking to them?" (So speak for the synergistic effect of putting two together... 8-O lol sigh)
At the same time, others might feel bad when not-so-nice thoughts would come into their head. They might feel bad that the not-so-nice thoughts might be known by other people and hurt their feelings.
This is one of my worst enemy... For the longest time, I felt bad when not so nice thoughts would emerge and might hurt the receivers' feelings.... and your know your condition is going down south when it goes from singular to plural because, when you start to feel the presence and hear the voices of many people, your head starts to reenact things like the three kingdoms... 8-O lol sigh
And this is the time when you have your meds up... like what I have to do.. with the minor inconveniences I have to face when going to bed... In addition to them symptoms who have a bad habit of showing up left and right in all forms while you let go of your cognitive control when trying to fall asleep, extremely dry mouth, the sensation of the esophagus getting all tightened up and the body jerking up and down in bed as if a life fish out of water on a chopping board....
Life used to be much easier... you pop the meds, it knocks you down and put your asleep. The worst thing could happen is for you to feel all dumb all days... none of them physical kinda stuffs... sigh
Then, the light ball went off earlier today and I realized that one way of responding to these kind of incidence is to say to myself...
"I have no control over my symptoms otherwise they will not be called pathological symptoms. In addition, my head is my head and who the hell are you to intrude my private thoughts... pathological or not. That should teach you a lesson being beaten up by my disordered thoughts left and right."
(Remember... the reason why symptoms are symptoms is because of the intrinsic bias patients have towards the disordered thinking.)
Then I thought of what that strange doctor of mine said to my over 2 years ago...
I could not understand what exactly I have to put down and, today, I bet, the doctor might have no idea either except for he simply knows that is what I have to do.
Since then, I have learned to let go of many things... although I am still not quite sure what I have to learn to let go.
The most recent thing that I learned to let go is to let go of the control over my symptoms... as mentioned in the previous part of the writing. I have to learn to let the symptoms to simply be symptoms while finding the least stressful way of reacting to them. (And, of course, it is easier to say than to do... react not...)
In addition, in my previous life, people mostly could not tell that there is anything not so normal about me... until the point of the accident when I fell free from a collapsing chair in sitting position.
From then on... till today... it is just a normal part of my life to walk abnormal and go into abnormal states. At this point, when it occurs... whether it is my limping around... sleep walking... experiencing excruciating pains migrating through my body as I take my walk ... etc... It is just the way it is so let it be. And, hopefully, if I let it run through... I will be able to walk out of it.... and luckily, I have been able to walk in and out of strange states so far....
Essentially, I am regressing back to the mean and simply need to fill the quota.... Nowadays, I am having a paradigm shift in my MO... pretending no more... trying no more to act like them people-- normal... though I still do have my boundary and though I have no idea what it really means to act normal. 8-O Somehow, something tells me that this is what it takes... I simply have to do it and get it over with.
Of course, God knows whether any of these thoughts are intuition or delusions... Everything shifts and morphs all the time... Along this line of thinking... I have given up trying to figure out how sane or insane I might be. Somehow... no need no more.... unless... insufficient cognitive capacity. In addition, the want to figure it out make you think and convoluted thinking drive you even nuttier.
In addition, this idea just came to me yesterday.... what about creative writing? 8-O
Came across the following table in a paper.... Following are the current names of psychotic symptoms. The texts in purple are the symptoms I have to cope with on a daily basis... As I was going through the list, I realize... oops... 100% hit... shxt... pretty bad... or not good.... 8-O lol sigh
Current names of symptoms
Descriptions
Acoustico-verbal hallucinations
Voices heard arguing or commenting on patient's actions.
Audible thoughts
Patient’s own thoughts heard by him/herself.
Thought broadcasting
Patient’s thought are passively diffused to other people.
Thought insertion
Other people intrude their thoughts upon the patient.
Thought withdrawal
Other people actively take patient’s thoughts in his/her mind.
Made affect and feelings
Experience of influences playing on patient’s sensations.
Somatic passivity, delusions of influence, alien control
Experience of influences playing on patient’s actions.
Delusional perception
Patient’s experience of a peculiar, intense, convincing experience not shared by other people.
It seems like every time I try to read adult kind of stuffs (I can read children's book without words well), my body and head gets into trouble and it would take forever, such as days, for me to recover.
The major task I am trying to do today and the days to come is to learn to read and to find ways to minimize its damages. 8-O
One plausible principle that might be useful is un-attention-un-deficit and one adaptive strategy I have come up with is to do something else distracting such as knitting while trying to read.
At the same time, reading is not the only thing that drives mes crazy.
It just came to my attention last week when trying to help this friend preparing her dataset to be analyzed.... my psychotic symptoms went for a field trip and my body went down south as well.
When the dasein moment of them fearful delusions emerged when I was doing coding or data analysis, I actually had to outsource my delusional beliefs to calm them dasien down so that I could push the thing through... Interestingly, after I decided to leave it to my delusional protective figure in my imaginary world to help taking care of my delusional moments of extreme fear, them dasein sort of went away leaving more manageable symptoms floating around... 8-O lol sigh
What I mean by the dasein moment... example... someone I care or not is going to die or hurt really bad... as I have described too many a time.
Some other commonly observed indicators... yawning, tearing, really deep breathing as if there is old air that needed to come out of my chest, mouth and eyes....
I don't know how them experts might classify this kind of condition.
Not my issue anyways...
Time to get back to my unknitting...
At the same time, something tells me.. incidences are but peripheral and if it were not one incidence, it would always be another....
It is just part of the process... and that is just the way it is.
I won't be stuck in this state forever... in the meanwhile, the question... How long is it going to take before I finally could grow out of this strange form of disability? I suspect... the same answer my doctor in Taiwan gave me when I asked him... "When could I walk again?"
"Depending on you."
Delusional or not? Well... at least this is a belief I can manage....
For ordinary people, disability is an abstract concept. A concept is something that comes into your head and goes away when out of sight, out of mind.
For people living with non-progressive disability, disability is a way of life that comes with a whole bundle of packages.
In addition, even you are disabled in your own way, sometimes your understanding of others could only go so far because... I can only draw references about your plight from my own experiences. The experiences I have no idea about which I have been taught to be awful... all that I could do is to assign an empty awful tag and act accordingly. For instance, I don't know what is RSD but since the lady seems to suffer a lot based on her report, it's gotta be awful. However, this void tag and response could only go so far because, in split second, the label itself turn void and you forget what the label might entail. At the same time, when she started to talk about pain and mobility issues... that I can connect with and now there comes a more meaningful sense of awfulness.
Also, after a certain point and million a time, you stop trying to explain because all starts to sound like simply an excuse to yourself.
The adjustment to disability itself is a process developing along with the actions and reactions in time and the context provided.
A common theme emerging.... from comparisons between incidence and indicators to indicators
Can't quite name the core yet though all others seem to interlinked to the core.
Yet, I have the feeling... almost time to see the regression line... if you know what I mean...
At the same time, what would be the implication of measurement and evaluation here? A gateway towards compassion? (A category might or might not link to the core.. pondering)
Another interesting thought... if I have so much problems doing thing as a result of my problems, why don't I simply stop trying? (I didn't just think of that... 8-O lol)
A final note about my postings
Again, 99% of the times I have no idea what the heck it is in my head and that is coming out of my mouth, since I have been trained to not give a rat's ass about the products of my existence, my suggestion would be for readers to not quite care about my blah blah blah for fear of "the shining" effect. 8-O lol 8-X
Sort of like what they say about emerging and forcing...
Also kinda like the constant updating process of this post... what exactly are my thoughts trying to convey? What do I care if not how could I care? For... in time, it shall emerge... I guess? 8-O
What would be interesting to see though is... if theory is a process... what's your theorizing process?
I have been intending to make this posting for weeks if not months.... something told me it was not yet time until now.
I have been having this feeling and talking to some of my friends about this thing I might call allergy.
It is as if I have become allergic to pursuits involving my head.... at least...
Every time I try to read and try to do the work necessary to complete my academic assignments, my psychotic symptoms go on a field trip and I feel physically no good....
Worst of all, the things I try to read and learn about become my delusions and hallucinations.
The only thing I could do, in addition to take my meds, is to do nothing, to do my sleep-walking or do my swinging exercise.. with the purpose of these brainless activity.... seemingly... to erase it all which eventually would lead to the "waking up" moments.... (a never-ending theme nowadays.)
If I try to do "too much," my body and mind would take the whole day or two to take me off such tasks....
There would be no point to fight it since there ain't no nothing you could do to fight it....
This is something nobody, I guess, could understand since I can't understand either myself....
How do I know these are delusions but not simply some non-delusional beliefs?
I intend not to persuade anyone about insanity but... following would be the example...
I have been reading or try to read about the grounded theory method.
There has been much phenomena emerged associated to what I learned about it...
One night, after I read this article, I decided to make some smart ass comments and post it in this blog....
"An interesting theory proposed by Stern (1994) about the divorce of the parents for Grounded theory. According to Stern, the crux of the divorce might have resided in their MO....
“I think, that Strauss, as he examines the data, he stops at each word to ask, “What if?” Glaser keeps his attention focused on the data and asks, “What do we have here? Straus brings to bear every possible contingency that could relate to the data, whether it appears in the data or not. Glaser focused his attention on the data to allow the data to tell their own story.” (P. 220)
.... no wonder I have split-heads.... 8-O lol
Be serious... how do you reconcile the differences? That would be the question...."
I made this post on December 30th. Right after I publish this post, I had this sense of fear... this feeling that somebody is unhappy.
Since I read from somewhere that Strauss has passed away in, I thought, 1996, I could not help but think that it was Strauss that was upset about my making it something so light.
Thereafter, I felt Strauss's "presence" and "guidance." Strauss told me to focus on the first chapter of the book "The Discovery of Grounded Theory for instance."
When taking my daily sleep-walking kind of walk, grounded theory related contents also came looping around like broken record in my head.... For instance.... I walked on and on with "emerging versus forcing" in my head... for many a block if not many a mile...
And, every time when I try to push something through... "Emerging... emerging......."
At the same time, there have even been times when I was instructed to stop reading and to start doing other brainless activities because "you have to take care of your health."
One night, as I was doing my swinging exercise in front of TV, I felt the presence of Strauss moving away... Apparently, the intensive mentoring program had ended and all that he has to do now is to pop in at times to do some advisement. 8-O lol sigh
Was talking to my friend about it earlier today and I said...
"I heard of "the neighbor's dog made me do it." Yet, in this case, it is the methodologist himself's spirit led me through it." 8-O lol sigh
These are but some of the examples that lead me to think once in a while...
Why is it for the others... things... so easy?
Why can't I simply get some writing done without all these strange things?
Then, as I was typing out the above qestions...
In my head.... "Emerging...."
And, en route to this posting through the past few months… in addition to all of the above and more… I stopped by sleep walking… swinging… origami tessellation… knitting… and so on to keep myself in one piece during the emerging process….
Was hanging out with this good old friend of mine this afternoon...
One flattering comment he made...
"You are the sanest person I have known. This possible has to do with the fact that you know you are insane."
Ya. The good thing about these good friends of mine is that... well, for them, I just just who I am. 8-O lol
I sincerely thanked him for this flattering comment.
At the same time, the benefit of being insane is there is no need to doubt your own sanity because.... insanity... that's a given... so get on with it. 8-O lol
Or like...
"You crazy? I am not gonna waste my time and energy defending my insanity." 8-O lol
My necklace broke and I lost my pure gold ratprincess pendent today.
Now I feel depreciated.
And, man, that ratprincess has been with me for over a decade if not two.
At the same time, I think I dropped my pendents when I went to the washroom in a clothing store while waiting.
This lady when came out from the toilet was staring at me in a strange way... it was not when I got into the toilet did I realised that the neclace was broken...
When I came right back out, one pendent was on the floor and the gold one was no place to be found.
Someone I had the feeling that it was that lady who knew it was me who lost it and took it anyway. If it were true, that wouldn't be too nice and wouldn't be good karma either.
Since it was pure gold, it might worth a bit more than a few dimes...
Just in case....
That round and gold pendent with a rat on it has gone through a whole lot of different times with me... Shall anyone find it and decide to keep it... you might wanna do some energy work on it.... because... God knows what has gone alone with it.... 8-O oops...
Haven't posted here for a while because I decide to keep this phase of my mumble jumble to myself given that... after all these years.... same old same old...
Still I can't defy this feeling that... somebody reading my internal journaling posted in my private blog.
Still positive....
At the same time, anyone ever heard anything about my internal dialog? Please post a comment....
(At the sound of the above question... OMG... Jesus Chris... )
Nice quote about Blumer's symbolic interactionism... something I haven't came across since 1997... I think... (OMG... I am getting old... 8-O lol 8-X)
"Objects do not have any intrinsic meaning- that meaning is conferred on them by us- and that different people, and the same person at different times, may confer different meanings on the same object." (Hammersley, 1989, p. 135)
Even better... in Blumer's own words:
“Human beings act toward things based on the meanings that the things have for them; the meanings of such things is derived from the social interaction that individual has with his fellows; and meanings are handled in, and modified through an interpretive process and by the person dealing with the things they counter.” (Blumer, 1969).
Hammersley, M. (1989). The Dilemma of Qualitative Method: Herbert Blumer and the Chicago Tradition. . London, New York.: Routledge.
Blumer, H. (1969). Symbolic interactionism: perspective and method Los, Angeles, CA: University of California Press.
Whit
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Whit sounds like wit and according to dictionary.com, it means
a particle; bit; jot (used especially in negative phrases).
I have changed not a whit. I do...
A dream: Backpacking
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On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an
extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the
Narita Air...
Ratprincess in Technology not lost?
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Given my sick-in-the-headness, sometimes it's hard to trust my LTM. Did
Ratprincess in Technology really exist or was it my false memory?
As I was marv...
Traces of the past
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A link I found that has been live online from the Down with Meds age.
Apparently, the past has always been there whether I knew it or not.
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