At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we observe whether psychotic and neurotic people could amount to something. Then came the spinal disc herniation and impingement, bringing forth the stage of physical disability. Could someone like me go anywhere or amount to anything is the question. After the official ending of the second psychotic episode lasted for five years, I am ready to move on to the next phase of Ratology- as the solutions unfold.
It was over 2 months ago when I started to swing... again, what I coin as 英英美代子 and what some might term as 自發功.
One thing the doctor kept on insisting is something like--- Do not try to learn from the external sources about it. Essentially, just do it and learn from doing it.
I felt very awkward throughout this time because, I guess, learning for me has mostly rely on learning through research rather than doing, with the so-to-speak "research" essentially involves the search of published literature through which understandings are established and used to derive cognitive constructs about related experiences. In this sense, the aka newly derived "cognitive constructs" would be what I would call learning.
The irony is that...
Well... haven’t I been trained to be a doctor in education by an institution that prides itself as the official spokesman for John Dewey and promotes this thing call constructivist learning approach?
In addition, didn't I spend a good chunk of my golden years trying to apply "mental model theory" about human cognition to study how people learn through exploration etc?
If I have been such a firm believer or an advocate for the constructivist approach and its related cognitive theories, how could it be so hard for me to following the doctor's recommendation--- just do it?
Doesn't it mean that... I didn't really learn it...
Even worse, could I have just faked it all along so well that I got myself even so very blinded--fooled? (Gees... I honestly thought I was being honest... 8-O lol)
In other words, forget about that line 1 or line 2 thing, I had deserved that doctor degree not... for I didn't really understand the thesis of my own dissertation.
Yet, it was the other day when I was speaking with my buddy did I realize that--- despite the limited understanding, still, I have about this 英英美代子 thing...
I am, though, started to have a little bit of understanding about the phenomena of my 自發英英美代子功....
I did received a lot of feedback and comments from the doctor-- including the key concepts of 氣 and its associated forces.
In other words, much of the learning occurred through the experiences themselves and the associated reflections.
Then, it was last night when I went back to check on my youtube account and the many clips I took....
The movements might be different but I saw only the indications of 氣 moving....
As I commented to myself.... the multiple manifestation of the same principle...
I realized that... some kind of learning might have been constructed... be a model formed yet or not...
Then, I thought to myself.... thank God... now I learn how to learn constructively, sort of, and, I could see a model forming....
Now I don't think I have to give back that diploma for that doctoral degree.... (or am I, to myself, lying?) 8-O lol
(Such marks another example of why I feel 99.99999…% of the times, I have no idea what I am talking about.... It is because what I thought I understand often turns out to be misunderstanding as a result of my congenital ignorance… lol)
Recently, I posted a few of the clips on youtube involving me doing my so-to-speak 英英美代子 activity--- something others might call 自發功.
Strange enough, among all clips I have posted, one of the clips seem to be "extra-ordinarily" popular....
While the majority of clips labeled 自發功 were viewed between 2 to 53 times, the following clip somehow has been viewed 693 times so far and with its "viewability" increasing steadily....
Absolutely weird is the only comment I have for people's like for that one-leg princess.... 8-O lol
Speaking of losing ground... many a location facing the loss of 地基 throughout Taiwan as a result of the strong wind and rain brought forth by the typhoons...
What we repeatedly see on TV... the poor people, when 地基淘空....
(Please click on the images to view the video clips for the news...)
鳳凰颱風／雨水沖涮棲蘭山莊地基流失
鳳凰颱風／宜蘭台七甲往梨山坍方嚴重
鳳凰颱風／竹崎10戶民宅地基掏空住戶緊急撤離 (the following picture is derived from 中國時報 website)
鳳凰颱風／卡玫基讓家毀掉一半 龜山橋住戶趕快逃難 (the following picture is derived from 中國時報 website)
卡玫基重創 東勢興隆橋斷兩截 母子命大 (the following picture is derived from TTV website)
Funny to look at the way my body is shaken in this clip....
The way I moved here makes me feel l that... with a pole and losing 30 bls or more... I could find a new career in pole dance... (the professionals, no offence) lol oops.
It felt as if I was carrying a huge ball or myself attached to it. In addition, this ball seems to move around and changes its size very so often. It also make me feels like humpty dumpty... 8-O lol
In this clip, I felt forces pulling my arms and shaped the posture (as usual).... rather than my legs... Thank God and all superior powers for a change... lol oops
And, gees... how long have I been waiting for this day to come... lol
Sitting here in my parents’ flat in Taipei, I am waiting for a letter to be written for the immigration office in New York….
Since there is actually nothing more I could do other than waiting…
The matter of the fact is that… sometimes, embedded in the lack of actions is the actions themselves…. such as the clip I am posting below, which involves very few and minor movements.
At the same time, unlike most of the times when I could talk and watch TV while doing the swinging thing, when engaging in the activity in the clip, I could only perceive information (TV watching) but had difficulties creating cognitive outputs....
Disclaimer--- this is a very boring clip since nothing much happened.
For everything bad you find in life, if you search far enough-- so shall you see the good.
It does sound like a cliché--- at least for me.
Taking for example the time since I broke my back last June, my life throughout these times could be, personally, considered as some time fairly fucked up.... (oops, pardon me for my French... lol)
Along this journey, I have seen, heard, sensed, perceived and experienced many a thing, good and not so good, and, chosen to share and to share not.
It is many a nuance that makes up the marvels of life's journey, I guess.
Taking a moment to sit back and feel.... I find what is most overwhelming about this trip is the love I have received in all capacities.
Be real.... there are people with the inclination to do the 火上加油 thing... such as so many a driver who almost got me killed while yours truly trying to cross the street.
For a spoilt brat like me, be it real or my own imaginations, I feel love along this trip....
The love I am speaking of... some might call it compassion, humanity, care, consideration, etc.... or simply some form of good deeds with warm and genuine intentions.
One is free to use whatever terms one chooses to re-construct what I call love...
For me, that love I am speaking of encompasses all of the above and more... with some I am unfortunately incapable of naming....
I guess, this is why, even in the bitterest cold are there sufficient warmth to keep me moving happily and smiling (regardless where I go such as the nut house and in addition to sufficient clothing... lol)
Then, I spoke with my loving family in Ratology, New York through skype today...
"When are you to get back?" so I was asked.
Whether I will be able to get the Visa to return is in the hand of the immigration officer I see next.
Their genuine care is what I have.
After we hang up.... to myself I said... how lovely.... and what a loving trip I have traversed.
It is not about the winning a huge amount of money from suing the college--- even though it might be good... lol
It is not about getting the green card under the classification of national interest waiver--- even though it would have made my life a bit easier in some capacities especially when I am so very "extra-ordinary" lol
It is not about getting the job that sponsors me a work visa--- even though it would be nice... 8-\
It is not about getting the visa to return to New York City--- even though... almighty God, Buddha, and all else with exceptional abilities... I need that visa to get back and take care of my unfinished business... Dear Department of Homeland Security, please let me come back to spend money and pay more kinds taxes in the United States.... :-D 8-O lol
It has been a loving trip so far because...
Just like that dog barking at the rainbow he sees (dogs are color-blind--- so they say...), I feel this trip's loving moments ballooning up from my heart, expanding into the air, extending into the... let me see... next universe, perhaps.... and fill the empty space with particles of happiness.... 8-O (and, OK, the next universe part is exaggeration... lol)
Well, there were things I could have done without... yet, perhaps, just like darkness for light, it is through the contrasts of the not-so-good things do I get to see better the loving-ness of the journey.
(And if you ask me whether I really believe in what I have BS so far... many a month ago I could not and I still remember that moment... yet, today I think I finally do... at least to a certain capacities)
I have spoken before about how I would be thinking of nothing while doing that swinging activities...
The matter of the fact is that... a lot of the times, I would be letting the feeling of chi guiding my body movements while engaging in activities such as TV watching or talking if possible (ya, sometimes it is difficult to make use of my cognition when the movement is too fast or my body decides to turn off that cognition of mine. 8-O)
The following clip is an example of how I would be doing the swinging about while watching TV and discussing with my mom about finding a rich husband... (Airhead or nothing in the head? lol)
My buddy called me the other day on skype asking me how I am doing--- especially how my back is.
I still remember vividly the day when she skyped me from Boston when I was in New York some time last year after the accident....
She asked me how I was and I told her that I was in pain, in disability, and in a no good state.
She was in shock and said to me something like, "How could all these strange things happen to you?" (lol-- speaking of my special talents... lol)
This round, I told her that I am doing much better and directed her to see the funky clips I have captured during my swinging activities.
She had a much greater than good laugh..... from one clip to the other... and she said something like, "Oh, My God, you even posted it on youtube!?" lol
So I kept on feeding her new links and she kept on laughing harder and harder... till I ran out of new URLs to feed her and the two of us laughing so hard that we were about to have an asthma attack. 8-O lol
I also explained to her that, following the 氣 related theory, all behaviors seen on the clips are but the manifestation of forces originated from the movements of 氣.
If my understanding is correct, essentially, if the 氣 was blocked in one location such as your knee... the 氣 will work on releasing the force that resulted in the injury....
Unfortunately, for me, I apparently have injuries left and right and up and down.... too many locations all along my body.... this is why, when 氣 does work and the forces gets released, you would see, manifested, movements complicated like choreography.
All of a sudden....
It occurred to me....
All else those clips of mine could not amount to.... at least they could give people a good laugh while listening to me talking about the limited of understanding I have about the 氣 thing.... such seems to speak for the hype of "Edutainment?"
When I was swinging leisurely facing the typhoon wind just now, looking into the sky, I got that familiar kind of depressed feeling.... Then, I heard this voice, "痛失英才"--- sort of like grieving for the lost of someone with some special talents.
I went...
"Am I gonna die soon? 8-O"
Call it the delusion of grandiosity or whatever you want to... lol
Then, this other voice came up saying something like, "Idiot, that's your hallucination."
In any case, I decided to stop and make this posting...
All materials posted publically are for public use.
However, shall you decide to make it for profit, please make sure some part of the income goes to my family.... because I will be watching... although I prefer to live a long and happy life.... 8-O lol... oops...
I later went back to do some more of my 英英美代子 movements....
At some point, as I turned my body towards the left, I seemed to have seen something.... while nothing.... (something I have been experiencing quite frequently-- guess sort of like visual hallucinations although visual hallucinations are not part of my ordinary psychotic profile).
I got a scare and thought to myself...
"Mama mia.... death came me to visit?"
Then I heard....
"Just come to see what the hell you are up to... idiot." (apparently it was checking out another posting in process 8-O lol)
And, be honest to thyself... are you really happy?
I also asked my mama this same question I have for myself...
"I don't have much--- when comparing to the others--- no car, no house, no husband, no children, no long term meal ticket, plus having to go through all the things I have to go through, in addition to having the propensity for the depression thing.... Yet, why can't I help feeling that life is wonderful and I am happy? 8-O"
"Could it be I am free of concern and free of stress?"
I wonder....
Yet, doesn't seem like....
For instance....
Still I have to work to reach the state of full recovery--- at least physically....
Still I need to get a full time job to keep myself financially independent rather than sitting here... 坐吃山空 on my 老本....
Still I have to pray to God, Buddha, and all else I could pray including the US immigration officer God or Goddess who I will be encountering in the next round of the Interview.
(ya... I am still paying rent in New York... the God and Goddess of US Department of Homeland Security, at least, you gotta let me go back to move things out of that room of mine.... Do me a favor--- I have been paying tax and social security for all these years-- at least one thing you could do is to allow me to stop wasting my money on paying rent to raise mosquitoes.... >-O 8-O lol)
I don't know how stressful these kinda business would be to the others....
To be honest, to me personally, I would assign an orange color to each of the aforementioned topics....
Yet.....
Thinking about how the current economic condition is driving more and more people's daily living into the dire straits....
Thinking about the casualties of the 卡玫基 typhoon and how places and people having sustained damages from the previous typhoon are to withstand the upcoming 鳳凰 typhoon....
I feel lucky to be where I am.
I think to myself...
Perhaps, shall we praying.... it should be for those in even more needed conditions.... while, mine, Mickey mouse condition.
And, how could the rest of us be happy not and be grateful not?
宜蘭海上龍捲風 Tornado in the sea in I-lan on July 27th, 2008
(Please click on the image to view the video clip)
The following is one of my most favorite clip... from walking like an Egyptian (or 邗單學步-- forgetting your own root while attempting to learn from something seemly better) to Ratprincess the Bull fighting.... 8-O lol
"哭夭" is a Taiwanese phrase--- sort of meaning howling for no good reason... in my interpretation.
So, the other day, I captured this following clip within which I seemed to be mourning and groaning about the pains associated with my movements--- although, in reality, those were simple swinging movements and I didn't really feel a thing pain-related... 8-O
Such marks the multimedia representation of 哭夭 while in no pain. lol
When I was doing my leisure swinging activity on the balcony, I saw down stairs a nun crossing the road...
I had the feeling...
"I don't feel like to be a nun anymore..."
I thought to myself...
"阿彌陀佛 and thank God...."
For what?
The more I look at myself, the more I think I am no material to be a nun in whatever religion.
Thank whoever for helping me getting out of the nun-ify attempts that I just couldn't get out because...
I don't think I could be a good nun and that's why it would be good for everyone, I guess.... 8-O
(By the way, the funny thing is that... I just could not feel that swinging kinda move today. More accurately, for many a time earlier today, when standing there relaxing... the voice would come up and tell me to get back finishing my previous posting first before anything... speaking of the mind and body having their own minds... 8-O lol)
I walked out the doctor’s office very happy the other day…
Not only could I not control the smile on my face while mildly limping along a bit… I was so happy that I even burst out laughing for no good reason on the street…
It is as if happiness was overflowing to the extent of getting out of control….
It felt as if happiness has originated from my heart, radiating through my body and released into the air… while what I meant by the heart is about the location that you might call the chest—the same place where the air comes out when you sigh.
Nothing special really…
I had not won a lottery.
Miracle did not happen so as to take all my conditions away—physically or mentally.
It was not about what I had gained. Rather, it was about what I could give.
Sometime during the meeting with my doctor, the doctor asked for my permission to bring in three other doctors whom he might be supervising.
So, the five of us sat in the small room—including me, the case, we watched some of the videos I took and my conditions were discussed (speaking of the useless doctoral degree I got in Instructional Technology.... apparently, could come handy somehow in some capacities? 8-O lol)
For instance, I showed them one of the clips I took on the day of 大暑 or the Great Heat, one of 24 Chinese 節氣.
After my walk along the main street 忠孝東路 in Taipei (see On Pain for more information), the swinging activities I engaged in has become milder and milder. However, the movements my body around 6-7 o’clock in the afternoon on the day of the Great Heat were back to be of great intensity.
One of the questions asked by the doctor was, “Have you learned to dance before?”
My answer was, “Nope. It is just the body’s own movement.”
Back to the topic of happiness…
How does the sideway story have anything to do with the topic of happiness?
Ya… so I walked out of the doctor’s office-- realizing that I have become one of the case study for these residence doctors….
It occurred to me….
Speaking of the utilities of the everyday thing….
Speaking of the meanings of my conditions…
Now I know that there are educational implications to the path I have traversed, be it pain, disability or else not classified.
It reminded me of my last institutionalization in the New York Psychiatric Institution….
For all these years, I kept my blog and tried to see whether there is a way for the psychiatric experts to make use of my mental health condition. Unfortunately, case studies can’t quite be accounted as scientifically sound research. My level of functionality also doesn’t make me, representative, the psychiatric population they want to study (based on what I was once told).
Then, finally, this year in February, right after I took down the original Down with Meds: Ratology blog, I was institutionalized again.
One day, my doctor who was in residence came to me and asked me whether I could be a case for their studies.
When the time came, he escorted me to a room in the back, sat me in front of the group, and interviewed by a quest speaker-- a topnotch psychoanalyst in the world.
What did I talk about? I don’t quite recall now…
What could they learn from my case? Only they could know…
Yet, even if my blog could be of no help to no one (double-negative), at least… having been a case for the medical experts in training to study… there are educational implications to my mental health conditions.
Guess this is why, again, Ratology had to go down….
Guess this is why Ratology was and is reloaded…
No longer does it have to do with what I could prove to you whether a sojourner could amount to anything.
The load has been shifted… not mine solely to carry.
I have carried what I could carry for a long enough time… perhaps, only to gather enough phenomena with you to share.
The moment I walked out of the rooms… I knew I have given what I could give and what could be used is dependent on the receivers individually.
This is why I am happy, still, and, perhaps, because the happiness originating from giving or the eventual finding of outlets to give bears no fear of being lost... (sort of like the state in which this video in a previous posting represents-- on pain)
How could one fear losing something whose sole purpose is to be given unconditionally?
(And, I did walk even better after coming out from the doctor's office. I authorize you to psychopathologize it all that you might want to... for it might really have something to do with the state of my 心理 or psychology... lol)
In the previous posting, I have mentioned the extreme amount of pains I experienced on my two feet after I spent 20 something minutes re-experiencing the bizarre styles of walking I lived through on the balcony.
I also spoke of how, sometime after that trip along 忠孝東路 (Chung-xiao East Road) the day after, when my body went back to that same standing position, I eventually had the feeling that the chi coming down my body finally exited through my feet--- with the majority absorbed by the ground and rest escaped into the air….
The following two clips captured the whole painful experience I went through on the first day.
For the majority of us, the only thing we see might be my ugly facial expressions indicating the “unobservable” and “unexplainable” pains. However, it seems that, for people who could tell the flow of chi, one could actually feel chi gotten stuck on my two feet and some part of my chi actually went back up--- rebounding to the wrong wrong direction.
Part I
Part II
The next clip captured the process of chi finally pushed its way out of my body through my feet on the second day.
Again, for those who could read the chi thing, I was told that you actually could tell the better flow of chi—coming down and getting out. For the majority of us who don’t know much about chi, what you could find in this clip is that… I seemed to be in a better mood--- although, if I were you, the question I would have is, “So what? How would I know whether there is a causal relation better the getting out of the chi thing and your emotional state of being?”
At some point, instead of swinging, I walked back and forth on the balcony … in all different ways I, at different point of time, walked…
The feelings associated with different walking styles were more than familiar to me…
For instance, I reexperienced the “gliding” style of walking… a style I was stuck with for many a day when I simply could not lift my feet and walking was like moving on the rollerblades without wheels (and how I regretted not having learned to rollerblade... lol sigh)
So many different styles developed throughout the year, I thought.
It was as if my body has its own memory and was going back to a nostalgic mode—having the need to relive the time it had to live before…. in a shorter span of time—20 something minutes instead of almost twelve something months. Shall anyone recall all the funky ways I have managed to walk in… you shall find the styles to be fairly familiar as well…
(Disclaimer: You might think these films to be too boring and too long... except for the real thing was much longer... guess, again, I never promise you a rose garden... 8-O lol)
Part I
Part II
Part III
Thereafter, I stood on my two feet with limited amount of motion… gradually, I felt intensive amount of pains on my two feet… it was the combination of feeling the feet extremely sour and bloated…. Regardless how painful it might have been (at some point it felt as if I could start getting ready to pass out lol), I continued to stand still till I got the feeling that… “enough for now”.
Having gone through the whole swinging business for the past two months, I have learned to ask no question shall such be my body’s will.
Today, during my doctor’s appointment, I showed my doctor the clips I took.
He saw my body’s trip back to the various eras on my road towards recovery… up to this point.
He also saw my painful expressions when in standing position…
And, he said to me something like…
It is a good thing that you have finally reached the point of reliving how you have lived before… It is as if I have tried too hard to cut the various stages short and now it is time for them to come back to get their fair share--- before I could finally walk out of it all…
What about the pain?
Apparently, I have not relived that sorry past enough and this is why Chi came down to my two feet and there it got stuck.
He, then, did some manipulation on my bad before I took off…
The trip home was a memorable one.
Coming out of the doctor’s office, I realized that the road ahead was to be sort of difficult. This was to be a trip for me to “march” on the footage of the past again.
It was as if what my walk last night was an internship in the green house--- which is a preparation for my trip home today--- a trip that brought the past back and replayed it in real life.
Walking out of the side street and landing on 忠孝東路—the main street in Taipei just like what Broadway is to New York City, I encountered more passersby--- the way they looked at me struggling to move forward (in reality or in my imagination) sort of brought back the memories of the past.
At some point, I started smiling—helplessly, sort of.
That was the point when I realized that… practice effects… just a different location.
To that body of mine--- I thought, perhaps, “just let me know what you want.”
So we slowly walked and he (my body) knew no haste. We stopped at the non-stopping points and we rested on the sidewalk gazing into the busy street. T’is time to go home. (lol)
Ya, not only did I walk funny, I also went back to needing a rest every 2 or 3 steps… progressing to 7 steps at a time with the maximum steps of 11 throughout the whole trip. I stopped in the middle of the street because, moving further, my body could not. I also went back to needing two traffic lights to make it to the other side of a street almost as wide as Broadway as I could remember. I sat down wherever resting place I could find when the body calls.
A while after I got home, back to the balcony, I found myself back to doing that walking back and forth.
The gaits got better and better… t’is point when I felt the body calling for a rest and the standing-still—just like what happened yesterday.
Again, standing there not moving much, I felt chi coming down my body and arriving on my feet…
Gradually, I started to feel this extreme sense of happiness--- because that despite some sensation of soreness, I felt, through my feet, chi happily getting out of my body— much getting into the ground and some released into the air… (although such is but my feeling and gotta wait till Wednesday for the doctor’s interpretation.)
Perhaps, one could classfiy such experiences as 瞑眩反應.
And, perhaps, what was needed was, along 忠孝東路, the trip… a thought that came to be in the mist of my psychosomatic epic (even though I don’t really have too much of an inkling about what it means… lol 8-O)
(Such speaks again for--- the confusion of interpretations-- as Maxine Greene had put it... lol)
I asked myself this question today.... would anyone wonder why I posted these videos other than showing off my unfortunate body shape today? lol oops...
In addition, for the past few years, I have made it a point to not reveal my true identity...
Why do I post all these videos that sort of makes me not all that flattering looking... 8-O lol
The answer is simple... the same reason why I posted anything else on my blogs....
There are things that happen to me... and, for the majority part of them, I don't understand how and why they happen....
Except for... with my delusions, hallucinations, depressions, pains etc, there is no way for me to capture these perceptions and show them to you.
Finally, there comes to a point when I could, although still not able to show you how it feels, show you what it is like through the observations captured via the camera.
As usual, I could only hope that... somewhere out there... someone will be able to make use of what I have documented... for a good cause.
Shall you ask... such are the reasons... why... these videos...
It had come to my attention recently that it is much more difficult standing on one leg with your eyes closed than with your eyes open.
Recently, my body has been trying to make me move with my eyes closed while standing on one leg... however, those attempts only went as far as having me lifting one of my leg.
Then, this strange movement occurred for a day or two...
I call it the "Chick Learning to Fly" movement.... because the ordinary chicken I know of could only jump but not fly... lol ... (who said that I believe I could fly.... guess this is as much as I could do to make myself "fly"... oops...)
I have been dreaming about running up and down as well as jumping around for a while... unfortunately, it remains to be a dream unless in the following condition.... 8-O
God knows why my body decided to jump this way... one thing I know is... due to the angle of the camera, that big ass of mine really reminds me of Bridget Jones's Diary ... lol... oops...
When I was stealing a smoke while the my torso shaking at its own will, it occurs to me...
Uhmmm... I have pondered thousands a time all the way into different nuts houses... what is 空...
All of a sudden, I came to the realization that... no longer do I have the need to ponder what it is... there is this thing I feel that I can not explain and describe and which could be what I might call 空..... be it real or not... be it temperal or not...
難道 one has to go into the direst end of 空空 (nuts) to reach a sense of 空?
If you were a master of chi-kong, especially, 自發功, you might feel offended by my calling my movements 英英美代子, rather than "自發功."
Yet, believe it or not, I could not stop wondering whether it is my 元神 that chose such naming... possibly having something to do with I have resisted all temptations to learn about "自發功"-- as per suggestion of my doctor.
Even though, finally, my doctor revealed to me the official label to my swinging activities, the only thing I know about the name "自發功" is the difficult kind of involuntary movements of my body when I enter into that vacuous state of my head and allow the body to move at its own will.
In this case, it doesn't really matter whether we assign the name 自發功 or 英英美代子 for both are but containers to the phenomena. For instance, if you do not read Chinese, how would it matter to you whether the correct labeling is the 3 character phrase or the 5 character phrase?
英英美代子, though, has some special meaning for me...
英英美代子 means more than one having too much time in one's hand and having nothing to do.
The state of "空" (according to my own interpretation of what 空 is like) is an essential component for my version of 英英美代子. It is because it is easier to let go of all controls when you 放空.
I once showed this acquaintance the clip of my arching my back.
She saw the clip and insisted that the doctor must have done something to me... her hypotheses were: 1) he must have add chi or energy to me body, 2) he must have hypnotized me somehow, or, 3) there must be some external forces present.
In addition, she told me that Chi Kong kind of thing would never work for her because she always has too many thoughts in her mind and even the masters of Chi-Kong have given up on her. Her thoughts are so proliferate that she has to use sleeping pills to fall asleep.
Being well endowed with my psychotic existence, I know well what it means to have thoughts building up and building up when all that you want is to fall asleep.
I, then, told her that... 放空 is nothing that comes natural...
Like the learning of all things else, 放空 is an art and it takes one to train oneself because, chances are, it is a state differing from one person to another, and, from one moment to the next.
There was a time, when I thought that 放空 means looking into the abyss and darkness, allowing no thoughts and fighting off all thoughts when my eyes were closed.
Then, I realized that, with my hallucinations in place, the attempt to keep all thoughts off might not be the right approach. I realized that, perhaps, what I had to learn was to allow all voices coming in and out as they will... Observe them if unavoidable but not react-- or not try to fight them off by building upon them... more thoughts.
The lady heard me but she did not really hear me.
She replied, "That's impossible."
I felt bad for her because I know how it feels.
(I know, at the sometime, that, I have had my share of sleeplessness while, in mind, no thoughts... In addition, it might be the antipsychotic meds that are actually making my strategies workable... 8-X lol)
In addition, I also realized that the conversation with her was as if a conversation with myself... at a different point of time, perhaps, and, hopefully...
Then, it was much recent when I rethought the idea of my life's preparation to reach the state I am in today.... be it good or bad or anywhere in between...
And, I could not shake this thought that...
Could my psychotic existence and my obsession about 空 be nothing but a preparation towards my state of 英英美代子?
Could the herniations, pains, and all else not classified but the preparation for me to get a taste of what 空 might be?
What else are they, together, intended to prepare me for? And--- could it be you?
My moments of 英英美代子 are not all that exciting all the times...
Most of the times, my body does simple kinda swinging movement while there is no way to predict how my body wants to move (and I was told that such attempt to predict is the last thing I shall try...)
The following clip shows you the really boring kind of movements I engagement in for the majority part of my awakening hours... (and I must have collected hundreds of hours of footage for God knows why lol)
Shall you wonder what it feels like when engaging in these movements?
Well... it felt as if I were drunk or boneless.... sorry... hard to describe...
Can anyone of you imagine spending the majority of your awakening hours thinking of nothing and doing nothing more than letting your body decide how to swing?
Now I can because now I live it... 8-O lol
Even if all these movements but the manifestations of my psychosis... well... so far as I am concerned... they haven't caused too much inconvenience to my 英英美代子 state of being.... lol
To be honest... I can not yet move like this "consciously."
What the following clip reminds me of is "Exorcism" in English or 起童 in Taiwanese....
According to my doctor, this is but a manifestation of 氣 moving in my body.... (which makes me feel more and more impressed by by "alternative self" 8-O lol)
Since I haven't been able to walk too well, I haven't not worried too much about dancing....
Sigh... there was once upon a time when I was the dancing queen on the dance floor of all pubs in Vancouver...
Then, I found my body twisting around as if I have acquired Huntington's Disease or epilepsy (no offense-- just a hypothesis).... please see the example clip below to judge for yourself... lol
金雞獨立 is a Chinese idiom, which describes the posture of “a golden chicken standing on one leg”…. (lol sorry about the direct translation… lol)
Recently, I suspect your Ratprincess to be experiencing some sort of identity crisis because I am finding myself to perform more and more standing on one leg kinda swinging activities…
Please find following some examples of a fat rat on one leg or 肥鼠獨立…. (lol… oops…)
“英英美代子” looks like a Japanese name in Chinese. However, we use it to mean “having nothing to do” because of the similarity of its sound to the phrase “閑閑沒事做” in Taiwanese.
I have been thinking recently, at times, still, what a waste of my precious Golden Age to be 英英美代子 or to dedicate this point of my life being 英英美代子.
I had wanted to finish the research class I registered but could not complete in Spring semester (remember how I went in and out of the mental institution and, thereafter, tried so hard to remobilize that over-drugged head of mine again….)
2 months have passed, Unfortunately, I have not done much of what I had intended to complete in one-month time--- although I have finished reading many of the articles I found concerning the perception of pain and MDS/Cluster analysis when first came back.
If it were “that me” before the accident who needs to make the judgment about myself or a student as such, needless to say, I would have failed myself without even having to think about it.
If it were two months ago knowing I will be spending all these time dedicating to be 英英美代子—even more 美代子 (do nothing) than what I have even been throughout the year, I possibly would put myself down so as to conserve energy for more productive beings.
Yet, today, as I was swinging some different kind of swinging, I thought to myself… how strange life is that at the age of 36 or so… the focus of my life is not working on getting myself onto that tenure track, working on promotion, trying to write up some academically sound papers or books for publication, or, fighting with my husband about finance, in-laws, or how our children should be disciplined.
Rather, I am 英英美代子 and I devoted the majority of my time awake to be 英英美代子 at swing…
I swing anytime I could… even when taking a shower or TV watching…
Then, mama told me something like…
At times it is needed for you to be 英英美代子… without dedicating all your time being 英英美代子, how could you have achieved this state of recovery?
The, I thought to myself....
Maybe, it is not all that aweful that I am 英英美代子...
(sorry about the dark background at the beginning of the movie... got no idea where it came from since it didn't look like it at all on my end. Essentially, the beginning of the film shows you how I bent down to touch the floor with my two hands while standing on one leg... In addition, remember this is someone who could not walk across Broadway in one green light about two months ago... and... ya... I am working on losing weight... lol)
Yet… how time flies… now it’s been 2 month since I came back to Taiwan from New York and over one month since my visa back to the States got denied.
If I had thought two months ago that the life I had lived in the year past had taught me what it meant to live a useless life marked with nothingness… I was wrong again…
The matter of the fact is, and, in retrospective… during those days, I tried painting, origami (paper folding), researching about my conditions, writing, and, be it buying or selling--- ebaying.
Most importantly, there was never a moment did I feel the need to prove to the world that I, despite of my mental and physical conditions, could amount to something.
Then, there came this past two months… a good two months more of my life when I, again, beat my own record of living a life even more useless and contribute nothing more to the world than boosting the economy through spending my Mickey mouse amount of savings and swinging rehab activities… lol
Then, earlier this evening, my mama told me about this friend of hers who has been suffering from the impacts of osteophyts in her lower back. Accordingly, the pains are so bad that this auntie had gone in and out of the ER 3 times and the pains so bad that she could hardly do a thing to get her life out of the unbearable state of miseries.
Mama wanted to take me to see the lady--- to tell her that my spinal conditions had put me through times of miseries, too…. And, today, I am making progress… Today, I can walk faster than my mom… Today, I could finally bend down to pick up the power cable to charge this laptop.
I was more than happy about my mom’s suggestion.
Happy is actually an understatement…
All else I might have failed to accomplish throughout this time…
If the sharing of my road to recovery could bring even the least sense of hope to this lady….
The excruciating pains…
The pains that could put you down on the office floor…
The pains that could take all your sense of joy away from life…
The pains that could force you into the dark side and see, no more, light.
The pains that leave you so very--- home alone—for what you experiences, what others can’t understand.
Not to mention the problems associated with mobility--- or physical disability accompanied by the pains…
If, even only one of my fellow patients could, somehow, benefit from any part of my miserable states of being, I will be happy and complain no more… for such would serve as the evidence for the purpose of my uselessness and the proof that even the emptiest existence could be full (here comes my self-serving thoughts lol).
Tell me how much you suffer… and, you will know that you are not alone.
The road towards redemption might be much less than rosy (and, chances are not rosy at all)--- if you believe, each of us will find that specific path for ourselves.
There might be detour after detour—such as my en route temporal destination in the cuckoo’s nest—
Yet, consider it but part of the itinerary for our life’s special trip because, if we believe, one day, we will walk out of it, somehow, and, it would be a trip that cannot be sought however global you travel--- it is something that could only be found within yourself (although, to be honest, I'd rather to have travelled a thousand miles and visited a million towns than having to go through this internal trip... oops... lol).
Back to the meaning I found during this trip... again... I found that, although it is something I have to look inside of myself, again, it is you who makes up the meaning.... (call it social construction of knowledge or social loafing.... lol)
On a second thought, since one of my major complaints throughout the years is the experience of unexplained and "unheard of" bodily sensations, it leads me to wonder how much of my psychotic existence could be explained away by the 自發功 theory--- although, in theory, the voices I hear are not part of the 自發功 phenomena.
I also could not stop wondering…. are people with higher degree of propensity for the experiences 氣動 also more prone to reporting sensory and motor hallucinations? How many of my psychotic fellows also unwittingly experience 氣動? What is the possibility that some movement-related symptoms might actually be the indicator of one's resisting or allowing the manifestations of 氣動?
In addition, measurement-wise, shall anyone be interested in conducting related research , the most difficult thing would be in figuring out how to measure the phenomena called 氣動.
After the doctor's visit yesterday, I, as usual, walked home...
Yet, at some point, I found myself not walking in a straight line...
It is not the I had too many a shot of Tequila kinda not walking straight...
Rather, I could not help walking towards around 2 o'clock or 10 o'clock direction as opposed to 12 o'clock.... Zigzagging... perhaps, how you would call it...
I knew, then, immediately that--- it might have something to do with the adjustment the doctor made to my body-- somewhere around the neck-- earlier on. (There goes the interpretation based on my newly established mental model about how 氣動 could result in my involuntary body movement in a relaxed state--- ya, even when I am walking down the street...)
This is not the first time I found myself zigzagging away when attempting to march straight towards the 12-o'clock direction.
I had similar experiences before on my daily journey up and down Broadway... I found myself, for so many a time, unable to control the direction I was walking towards and asked my legs loudly on the street, so many times as well, "Where the hell are you going?"
At some point, I thought it might have something to do with the spasm...
At certain point, I asked my doctors why I, at times, cannot walk straight and had to settle with zigzagging along....
None of the doctors had an answer to it and none had heard about it... including my psychiatrist, I think....
I guess, as a result of not knowing why and without the 氣 theory as part of my mental model, to interpret the bizarre phenomena, I must have eventually made myself believe that it is either I was just getting more psychotic than I knew or, maybe, some external force (e.g., God, spirits, ghosts, witches, etc) was playing a prank on me....
And, chances are, such interpretation might have contributed to the development of my delusional system, that, eventually sort of went out of my control...
In other words, although they say ignorance is a bless, it could also be dangerous to one's health… 8-O lol
Ironically, the only thing the doctor wanted me to know is that, when my body swings, it is the 氣 that is moving because my 元神 is trying to fix my body. He had eventually let out of the label of 自發功 solely because he found out too many people surrounding me might be trying to talk me into doing different things... such as my dad, who could not stop attempting to educate me about 氣功 and 自發功-- and he even bought books for me. The doctor, yet, repeated again and again that I should refrain from learning about 自發功 and let my body does whatever it does. In other words, I should try my best to be purely ignorant and keep myself away from all external sources of relevant info (and never did I know that it could be so hard to maintain ignorant when external sources of info are readily accessible-- either a click away or a cover page away 8-O).
Why do I all of a sudden start to think back at those days….
Well, since I started to experience that swinging thing whenever I relax, I spoke with people about it and, sometimes, show them what happens…
The majority of people who know of 氣功 told me that--- it could be 自發功. My dad even went so far as to buy me two books including one titled 自發功 and the other about the principles of 氣功.
Whenever I asked my doctor, he would tell me to forget about all these 功 thing and focus on letting 氣 controlling the swinging… (not my thoughts).
I guess, after my mentioning others’ comments all these times and after I showed the doctor 自發功 book bought by my dad, he finally decided to tell me the official label of my swinging thing…
In one word… all these people got it right…自發功 it is…
He did a lot of preparation, though, before letting this label out and explained to me why he had wanted me to do what I have been doing without the labeling.
Essentially, 自發功 is something that comes from the moving of the 氣 inside. Since it is something coming from inside, the last thing we want is to have external factors influencing the movement of 氣 such as one’s own thought to intervene. By leaving me ignorant about the whole 自發功 label, such shall allow me to let the nature go through its course rather than forcing things to happen the way books said about how the nature’s course shall be since all people are different and the courses won’t be the same.
One of the point he repeatedly reminds me was that I have to be honest or 誠實 to myself so as to facilitate the healing process enabled by my 元神.
The funny thing is… it was either the day or the day after I took down the Ratology- Down with Meds blog when I, for the first time, heard about my 元神 being upset about my dishonest to myself.
That day, I got out from work… knowing I was fairly psychotic yet, at the same time, couldn’t quite figure out the discrepancy between my expected and actual level of cognitive capacity…
If you could recall… that was around the time when I felt that I was at the institutionalizable level, yet, the part of cognition that keeps me sort of highly functional seemed to be still fairly intact….
I think it was after I got home and sat down in my room, this voice came up… “元神歸位” or my 元神 is back to be with me—where it should have been the whole time.
Knowing vaguely what 元神 might be from my cultural background, I asked why 元神 had gone away…
The answer I got was that I was being dishonest.
Despite of my claim that I was alright being psychotic, I actually do not accept my psychotic or psychiatric self… There were actually other people who could accept my psychotic self much better and treated my psychotic self much better---- and that’s where my psychotic self went vacation to… 8-O lol (speaking of I am my own worst enemy… lol sigh)
Call it 瞑眩反應. If you want to… after that psychotic self of mine came back to me… within a day or two , my psychiatrist came to my door to take me to ER and, thereafter, yours Ratprincess went into Club Meds with a river view. lol
And, believe it or not, during that time, I had asked myself many a time---
“Is 元神 still with me?”
“How did I go wrong?”
As well as...
“How could I not go wrong?”
(Ok... crazy does crazy does...)
P.S. Yet, according to my doctor, since our 元神 is what has created us from a single cell, in theory, it would never leave you or abandon you.
Sunshine always brings light and is always soothing (as long as it is not 100 degree outside).
Night times are difficult to tackle when the intangible delusions and hallucinations gradually reach their heights.
It was a few days before Ratology- Down with Meds went down and me went into the Cuckoo’s house….
One night, as I was getting ready to go night night… I felt myself about to be overcome by forces of the dark and their fearful ramifications… either me being hurt and knowing others I cared about to be hurt…
I lay there in bed… trying with my best to think of sunny thoughts and to recall in my mind visions of the beautiful world under the sun.
When the night got later and when I started to run out of my delusionally powerful remembrance of the light…
It occurred to me that…
I do not have to remember what the daylight looks like---
Up to that point, I had in my mind that daylight was hours away from me…
At that point, I realized… where the lady who bought many a stampset from me in Australia was… the sun, possibly, shines.
It was possibly that realization of ”the sun never sets,” which saved me many more of an agony that same night…
Back in February, I took down the Ratology- Down with Meds blog.
People asked me why but the only reason I could offer was "It is about time."
The matter of the fact is… when I took down that blog, I was being as psychotic as possible and I felt the things I mentioned in my blog was being widely read and had resulted in many consequential inconveniences to other people’s life.
For instance, those few days, there was this suicidal guy who went to ER after he attempted to commit suicide because he remembered something I mentioned in my blog. Not much later, he decided to commit suicide again (based on what I heard) and, when he was about to be pronounced dead, I requested whatever supreme power to let him live because it was only a stupid mistake made by the suicidal guy in depression and I was willing to give away what credits I might have accumulated from doing some minor good deeds.
The same guy lived, committed suicide, died or almost died, and lived again--- for many more a time.
The news of his death or his attempts to commit suicide occurred earlier than anyone else’s in my delusional world and he continued to be part of my delusions after other people’s death ceased to occur in my deadly delusional system.
I guess, the suicidal guy was one of the reasons why I took down the Ratology- Down with Meds blog--- although I still have no idea who and why he entered into my consciousness (Could it be Kenny McCormick? Yet, I don't recall him ever committed suicide... 8-O)
I have written about the swinging thing I do on an everyday basis for a while.
I am not quite sure, shall anyone be reading my blog, how good or bad a job I have done in describing the strange swinging movements, which happens after I relax and let go of control over my own body.
Given the tradition of the multimedia theory of learning, it is assumed that learning should be enhanced by the provision of information in both verbal and visual channels. As a result, I decided to provide the following clip to show you part of my swinging as the technology-assisted educational supplement. 8-O lol
By the way, please neglect the strange voice in the background... that was my nephew making fun of me... lol
Please keep in mind that I could hardly raise my head or bend down less than 2 month ago. In addition, I was still trying to fight off the spasms and shooting pains that forced me to stop for a rest no more than 30 something steps at a time.
To date, I am still using the back support and a cane during my ordinary long distance walking trips. However, rests are only needed after a much longer walk... and, sometimes, when the trip is short, I don't even come to a stop before arriving at the final destination...
Now you see the video, what kind of conclusion do you have in your mind concerning the gap between what you see in the video, especially the degree of flexibility and what I am capable of doing with my will?
My thoughts--- Perfect evidence for the following possibility...
1. Conversion disorder or other type of psychosomatization 2. Sensory hallucinations resulting in motor dysfunction? 8-O 3. I am psychic-- therefore I could 起童 like a 童乩 4. This is the phenomenon called 氣動 (the movement of 氣)-- an indication that the 氣 in my body is somehow fixing my body. 5. Epilepsy? 8-O
Or... perhaps... simply as this... some muscle spasm... lol
On my way back from my doctor's visit today, I thought of something this and all other doctors agreed upon concerning my spinal condition.... how could the simple impact of a fall at sitting position lead to 6 places of disc herniation in cervical, thoracic, and, lumbar areas as well as the straitening of the cervical spine?
The condenses so far has been that the fall might just be the triggering event while my spine was already fucked up. (oops... bad language)
My rehab doctor also constantly reminds me that... my life so far has been preparing for that triggering event... (8-O)--- be it THAT fall or a simple sneeze. (OK... yet, it doesn't mean the institution holds no moral or ethical responsibility for that miserable trail I had to traverse since--- what it be like shall you be on another broken chair that collapses under you?)
The matter of the fact is that... it is not the first time the word "trigger" is applied to significant events in my life...
For instance, I often say that that woman who used her hand to make the gesture of pointing a gun at me and said, "if you go to Harlem, you will be bang-bang-bang".... (in a graduate school of education? 8-O) Well... that was very clear to me nothing but a triggering event that sent me into my first psychotic trip...
The funny thing is...
Just when I was crossing the street, it occurred to me that... would my psychotic existence also be part of the preparation?
Would my acceptance for the whole 氣 thing be the same shall I have not been dealing with delusions and hallucinations as my everyday context for the past few years including being institutionalized for 3 good times?
Shall it be true that... life has prepared for a long time for the perfect fall to take place...
(And, shall what 媽祖 indicated be true that this fall shall have impacts on my entire life... )
Including the fall itself and its consequences, what do all the preparations intend to prepare me for (other than to be at the age of 35-36, single and unemployed lol oops)?
My ordinary voices in my head told me that it might have something to do with beliefs, cognitive flexibility, etc.... Yet, the most important thing for me to do now is, loud and clear, "TIME TO GO TO SLEEP. (oops... the voice calls and now I gotta go... although it was the voice that told me to make the post... lol)
My encounter with the 氣 thing just kept on getting funnier and funnier…
If I had told you before that I had come to the true acceptance of my body moving itself… I lied…
Yet, I did not lie intentionally… rather it was an act of my own stupidity or ignorance since I did not know what it means to have my current level of acceptance about the things I have been experiencing, which could be vaguely classified as sensory hallucinations…. I guess… (and… well… to hell… )
Essentially, the swinging thing started to take on different forms…
It started from the Kong Fu kinda movements…. sometimes it felt as if I was 打拳 other times it felt like I was 戲雙劍 (playing with swards). At this stage, the motions were fairly slow.
Then, one night, I found my “mid-section” moving around in circle at a speedier and speedier rate to the extent that it was as if I was doing belly dancing… other times, it was almost like I was doing the “twist” (8-O)… and, still other times, it was almost like I was doing folk dancing--- swinging my two arms along with my body while walking to the front and back.
Later on, my body started to do this high-tech aerobatic kinda stuff… I would be standing on my two feet while my torso arching to the back till my posture would look like that of Neo in Matrix when he successfully dodged the bullets by arching his back backwards. Then, it was last night when, after that back arching position, my body would bring itself towards the front, bending forwards till my two palms could touch the floor.
The arching posture, interestingly, was something I had never been able to do in my ordinary days, before and after the injuries. Yet, the last time my body arched to such extend was when, after the injuries, I pulled my body again-- that night, I had the nerve pains shut up to my head from my lower back, and, woke up finding my left side half-paralyzed the second morning. In ER, they gave me a shot of the Tylenol thing to relax my mussels. Yet, my body could not stop twitching and arching to the extent that the nurse came to me, telling me to “cut it off” since they were not doing anything to me. (8-O think about those good old days… lol… sigh). Later, when I was getting ready to leave, my body continued to arch towards the back involuntarily… the posture was so high tech that these two ladies across the ER station had to ask me whether I was OK… while the only response I could give them was… “just doing some stretching…”
The speed involved in the belly dance type of movement as well as the whole arching plus bending thing are still movements I could not normally accomplish.
These movements could only be carried on, mysteriously, when I relax my thoughts and body, and, when I let go of the control over my movements.
Taking the psychopathological kind of perspective, I would be the first to think “psychosomatization” as the reason to the occurrence of these involuntary movements much too difficult to perform in either my pre-injury state or current state.
Yet, I guess, at a certain point, psychopathological labeling such as “psychosomatization” and “conversion disorder” started to cease carrying any meaning for me.
Perhaps, it is true that those labels are only as good as recycling bins--- all else not classified? Let’s throw in a psychopathological label in so that we do not have to deal with the problematic recovery.
There are so many more of the “perhaps” statements I could generate to populate this post…
Yet, I will leave you to be the creator of these ＂perhaps＂ statements because, other than I am getting ready to go night night, the only one thing that matters now is… as my doctor reminded me again today… “Does it help?”
The labeling of “psychosomatization” and “conversion disorder” apparently did not help. Otherwise I won’t be still here blogging about the road towards recovery.
Yet, call it “假練功真發瘋” (something I heard through my auditory hallucinations) or over-indulgence in psychotic symptoms… regardless what you think of it… for me… the 氣 thing… I know, at least, so far, it helps…
In addition, shall all but 空 at this point… how would it be my concern 瘋 or 不瘋？ lol 8-O (OK... time for my night time pills... lol)
Whit
-
Whit sounds like wit and according to dictionary.com, it means
a particle; bit; jot (used especially in negative phrases).
I have changed not a whit. I do...
A dream: Backpacking
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On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an
extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the
Narita Air...
Ratprincess in Technology not lost?
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Given my sick-in-the-headness, sometimes it's hard to trust my LTM. Did
Ratprincess in Technology really exist or was it my false memory?
As I was marv...
Traces of the past
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A link I found that has been live online from the Down with Meds age.
Apparently, the past has always been there whether I knew it or not.
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