Imperfect

Did some chit-chatting with this nice girl last night...

When I was looking and speaking with her, in my mind I thought... such must have been what they meant by the fountain of youth... so exuberantly energetic and beautiful....

At some point, surfacing in our conversation is the concept of imperfection...

Granted, we all are imperfect in our own capacity....

However, at times, it is just far more than difficult for us to let go of this notion of our imperfection... especially when we come to suspect how the imperfections that are so pronounced to ourselves seem to be so very neglected in the eyes of the beholder....

So, we spoke of imperfections in us...

And, I looked at her at some point and mentioned to her something like...

"I enjoyed your company and I think you are beautiful. Why are you killing yourself about the imperfection that I could hardly see?"

And, then, I realized that...

This is as much a comment for her as for myself.... why am I beating myself to death with my imperfections?

And, regardless what I have said and done all these times and after all these years...

If I were to list the people whom I know to have problems with them mental health conditions... the first one to be enlisted would be me...

After all these times, I remain to be unable to break away from the shadow effect of being psychotic and so on...

And, this reminded me of a question I asked during a group meeting for female patients in the psychiatric ward earlier this year...

So I must have asked...

"At what stage during a relationship should I break the news to the person that I am psychotic?"

Many of my senior and more experienced fellow patients looked at me and responded...

"How is it their business?"

Maybe, one day, I will be able to reach their state or maybe not... a state I can quite understand not...

Yet, today, I know (and at least I have this insight) that I am still the person responsible for incarcerating me in my mental health conditions.... and... if only there is a user manual that came with the condition I have been granted... 8-O lol