Depression?

I can't tell you how many a time I went into depression...

That depressive state within which I wish that pain and weight on the chest could go away.... That state when you would use a pen to pin your own thigh so that the physical pain could make that psychophysiological pain, comparatively, weighting less...

It was a chronic state... at least that was what I believed.... until recently...

This has been happening...

I would be diving down to the worst of the depressive symptoms.... into the abyss... or the dire straights... if I could call it...

Yet, the symptoms would be alleviated after I did my swinging exercise... an exercise I do for the sake of doing it.... just an exercise... just letting the body move itself... with no expectations and no intention to really know what it is for...

So, it hit me bad that day...

And, it hit me bad yesterday... with the symptoms lingering on till I did my exercise for the second time in the day...

If you have seen me walking down the street trying to get home to ship them rubber stamps I sold on ebay...

My body was in pain... and I was, regardless body or mind, simply in pain...

So in pain that I could not help showing on my face them painful expressions...

At some point during all these depressive states... I actually thought of the possibility of getting back to my zoloft.... letting the antidepressant to take my symptoms away...

Then, I got home... and started to do them body movements again...

And, I felt better...

And, I remain to feel better the whole day today...

I actually walked from the 82 street down to Lincoln center and walked from there back to 110th.... feeling all energetic...

I feel fine and so fine..

It was as if the depressive symptoms I experienced yesterday never ever happened....

It is this kind of inconsistency that drives me to think...

Crazy life and crazy me... I would say...

How could I cycle in and out of depression within one day without the aid of pharmaceutical intervention?

How could anyone live a life as such... relatively inhuman... I would say...

And... what exact is the etiology to my depressive symptoms... anyway?

(At the same time, just so that you know... I am still taking my seroquel... it is not like I have forsaken modern medicine...)