Doubts

This morning, I went back to see my orthopedics doctor.... unfortunately, in a far worse state than I would have loved to be in...

OK... pain and herniation lesson 101, the cold, the humidity and the period are three of the killing factors to our physical condition.

Since misery loves company, the cramps never cease to marvel me in its ability to summon the insurgence of nerve pains in all other locations.... 8-X

I might be doing all different kinds of strange movements when doing the swinging exercises....



Yet, on the examination desk, when needing to lift my legs at my own free will, I failed...

I was able to move my legs up for about 10 degree.... then, I had to stop due to the stiffness and the pain in the lower back.

Back to the clinic again....

That was a shock...

Regardless how flexible I might be during the swinging sessions, I was unable to lift my own legs much.....

That was another big shock....

Yet, I walked out back to the cold, with one and only one mission in mind.... getting back to work...

After work, I went hanging a bit at the bar, partially because I thought I would meet up with this nice gentleman who helped me looked over my resume for a job I am trying to apply to in the United Nations.... (and believe it or not... it was one of my childhood dream to work for the United Nations... just don't ask me why...)

While sitting there, I started working on my juvenile style of drawing, if not nursery grade....

From Ratprincess Drawing

From Ratprincess Drawing

A happy drawing.... so I thought.... a drawing of the past... Where I search everywhere for Ratprincess while she was searching up and down for Ratology...

The year of cow is coming which is to push the minor inconveniences in life I have seen away and further away...

At the same time, I was once the major league control freak; yet, these days, that sense of control or the ability to control itself seemed to have.... oops... flown over the rooftop....

In the serene background, two turtles were searching for each other.... or, I was search for myself... except for.... at the speed of slow and stop, it might take much longer a time for them to meet up....

At some point, the image of one of my older drawing started to come to my mind with the other one lurking in the back of my head....

It was one of the two paintings I made in club meds earlier last year.... during a time when minor inconveniences in life were like rain drops falling on my head..... 8-O 8-X

From Ratprincess' painting in club meds

From Ratprincess' painting in club meds

So, after I showed my drawing to many others, they came and helped me added some nice features to the painting.... with one of them made the comment... what a happy picture.... everyone is happy inside... and everyone happily added something new inside... except for one... who seemed to see something more in my nursery grade drawing than I did...

Then, I got home and turned on the computer...

All of a sudden, I found myself bursting into tears staring at the pictures.... and, I asked God, shall God exists.... again... this same question....

"What have I done so wrong so far in life?"

"What have I?"

And...

"Why?"

So I wept and I stopped...

Then I wept some more and I stopped.... with this voice inside of my head saying, perhaps...

"Let it out and let it pass..."

Then, I thought of that quote...

And, I wondered to myself.... has the narrator ever been weak or does he or she always have a belief so very strong?

So, I thought of da serious look in this friend's eye... and, I thought... how funny... yet... how does one see my pain and weakness before I? Or, perhaps, to blind to see... the only one... I....