At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we observe whether psychotic and neurotic people could amount to something. Then came the spinal disc herniation and impingement, bringing forth the stage of physical disability. Could someone like me go anywhere or amount to anything is the question. After the official ending of the second psychotic episode lasted for five years, I am ready to move on to the next phase of Ratology- as the solutions unfold.
Them strings as wiggling energies reminds the low-latent-inhibition me about the concept of Xi, Qi, or 氣.... some unobservable and obscure thing that made up my body...
Not my kind of Cold Fusion... the scripting kinda programming language... but, the anti-paradim low energy nuclear reactions...
Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
"The problem is there are far too many theories which purports to describe the same set of observations. And no more than one of these theories could be right." "The lack of a theoretical framework..." (because there are too many competing theories.) Part 4:
"Everything is done (in physics). Just shut up and learn..."
So, yesterday afternoon, another squirrel must have spent about 5 minutes examining the path ahead with my coffee and bag sort of blocking its way....
It must have looked really attentively at the blockage while, at times, checking me out...
After some long deliberations (in my interpretation, of course), that squirrel finally decided to run past my stuffs and move forward.... instead of running towards the other direction or jumping off the concrete fence...
So I started to think...
What is wrong with them squirrels?
Could it be such is but some common occurrences except for it had never occurred to me before?
Or, could it be that, after swinging around in the park for the last few months, now the squirrels have come to know me and start to feel comfortable moving around me?
In any case, it is starting to be sort of normal to see them squirrels walking around my stuffs nowaday....
Then, this morning, as I was again exercising by the Riverside Park...
This squirrel stared at me while I stared back at it... curiously...
At some time, it came looking up at me right next to my left foot... less than a feet away from me... with me looking back at it...
I don't know whether this is the same one or not...
A bit later, there came this squirrel that stood right next to my right foot... while it stared at me, I, again, looked back at it with extreme sense of curiosity...
Then, all of a sudden, it rose its right hand and grabbed my pants.... thereafter, ran speedily away towards the other direction... leaving me all bewildered... thinking...
Did that squirrel just try to pull my leg, if not my pants? Did it just happened to me? 8-O lol
After my last posting, I realized this inclination of mine for obsessive compulsive disorder about... did it help...
I guess, based on my limited life experiences so far, many things we have to go through are just a big chunk of elegant waste...
Guess this is why my voices kept on telling me to look outside of myself...
It is because, if some part of my life could resonate with that of the others and lead to some kind of reaction.... bit by bit... some part of the meaninglessness gets dissolved...
Call it the collectivist mindset if you want to... and self-centered...
Sometimes, it is the betterment of someone else's' life that makes our own life beautiful and wonderful...
Such also reminds me of this funny concept of entanglements in life... the interconnectedness in our minds and live experiences...
Shall such a construct hold true... the best thing I could do is to always try to look at the bright side of life... to help others help me see more of the brighter sides... and ending each every statement with a big thank you... to solicit more of them moments of the "big thank you"s.... in my worlds... imaginary or not...
For, I swear to God... I could be locking myself up tearing my hair off trying to figure out the meaning of my having to be sick in the head and body... (even though when I was locked up in the psychiatric ward using a walker, I still felt that I was healthy like a cow... 8-O lol) and, despite of my presumed propensity for low latent inhibition, meaning could I still conceive not...
Or... the social construction of meaning... I am speaking of...
At times, this thought would come up to me.... a life as such... what a waste of the limited resources on this planet...
Other times, I would think... there is something that I could contribute...
So... as I was speaking with my family tonight through skype... mama told me some stories about how my miserable being is being used to motivate others to engage in their own healing...
Essentially, my doctor in Taiwan would show the clips of my miserable state of being to other patients and ask them this question...
"Are you in a conditon worse than this.... walking like this and in pain all over the places?"
Many people, apparently, find it inspirational since they find themselves in a less agonizing kind of state...
Some even called my mama up only to say...
"Is that your daughter..."
And, something like, thanks for helping us to find a sense of hope....
While it is me who should be feeling thankful to them because it is them who help me to find a sense of contribution in that prolonged state of being, classified, by myself, as absolute uselessness...
So I think... isn't life wonderful when even the optimal wastefulness could render some helpfulness...
After I exercised by the Riverside Park this afternoon, I sat down on a bench... staring at the tree in front of me that stubbornly would not give up its leaves...
I took out the camera that I brought out with me today for reasons unknown...
I decided to record a clip for the red-tail hawk flying sky high....
Only to realize that right above my head, rested the hawk's nest...
In no time, there came another hawk resting above...
So I thought...
Never know there is actually more than one of them until the day I chose to sit right below their nest... guarded by hawks... 8-O lol
(sorry if the images aren't clear enough... the tree was tall and, like many things else, the camera was once-upon-a-time state of the art technologies as well... 8-O lol)
On my way to meet up with two friends of mine for a night's feast in sea food buffet... I walked down the 33rd street from Pen Station towards the Empire State Building...
Beautiful street scene and lively city.... a nice short stroll...
I felt happy and still do... being able to walk down the blocks like any other human being that I encountered along the way.
It was somewhere along this trip did this thought come to me again...
I still have no idea what is to unfold in the future...
One thing I do know is that...
Looking back to the point when I found myself on the ground with a piece of Raisin Brant cookie in hand to this date... almost a year and a half later...
I would say... it's been an interesting journey....
More specifically, "speed" is what makes this trip most interesting....
While I was operating on two speeds: slow and stop, it was as if I was on a train carrying me through all minor inconveniences on express track...
As I look back, I am sort of in awe how I could have just glide through them inconveniences in one piece and how much it entails... my quota... 8-O lol
So I ask myself this question...
Would I have preferred to have them minor inconveniences dripping down here and there on and off? Or would it be more to my taste to have it pour down like a storm so that I could get done with them in a shorter time frame?
The answer... a no-brainer...
Hit me as hard as you want to for as long as I could withstand it...
For, I know... when I am done with my share, the sky will be cleared... paving me a brighter path to move on...
And, I pondered... could it be that it is the coexisting speed of slow and fast that balance all things out and result in the disappearing sense of time.. time and again....
I am reading this really interesting book called "Entangled mind" recently... with psi phenomena the topic in concern...
At some point, I encountered the following passages concerning the concept of latent inhibition. Essentially, latent inhibition is about our unconscious mental process to pay no mind to things that were inconsequential in the past...
Low latent inhibition has been studied extensively in schizophrenic patients because a key symptom of that disease is perceiving meaningful relationships everywhere, even when there aren't any. P. 50
.. low latent inhibition is associated with the personality trait "open to experience" which is in turn associated with divergent thinking and creativity. Of course not al creative people are psychotic... 8-O lol P.l 50
... high-creativity group had significantly lower latent inhibition scores than the low-creativity group... greater access to more of what the world presents, and high intelligence helps one successfully navigate through this flood of perception. By contrast, those with low intelligence struggle in vain, and the result may lead to psychosis.
As I read through the writing all the way down to point #3, I could not stop laughing to myself...
No wonder my voices told me to stay put and be a parsifal... for, I just can't shake the habit of being psychotic... In addition, assuming a membership in low intelligence does make life absolutely wonderful; it is because... since I am low in intelligence, why do I need to bother trying to make myself a higher achiever? Thank God... Thank God... and thank them experts for completing my excuse... 8-O lol 8-X lol
At some point today, I made a comment about someone and said...
"She is such a bitch from hell..."
This comment led me to realize that...
Man... my mental health condition has gotten really improved!
Now I could finally be a bitch from hell calling someone a bitch from hell without reservation!!!
This reminds me of this jackass of mine from Arizona...
It was at some point when my condition had gotten better and I was getting off Depakote...
At that point, one day, he was posing himself as an expert and trying to convince me that it would be for the good of Taiwan for Taiwan to "join China."
Oh.. Oh... that was a no no... yet, he just went on and on and on....... with his expert opinions...
So I started to tell him to shut up with all that nonsense... with mucho mucho emotions...
And, at some point, he suggested me to get back on Depakote.... 8-O lol
Ya... so I think... angel bin ich nicht... angel in disguise more likely if anyone, for reason unknown, ever wants to insist on placing me into that category.... In addition, shall I ever have the inclination to be insanely nice, understanding and empathic, that would be the side effects of my paranoia coupled with delusions... not me... for fairness is my modus operandi and I am pretty talented in mirroring... 8-O lol
Oops... a bit too bloody... 8-O lol
And, as I was typing da posting about Microsoft... so I thought... even if I really had married him or any other ex-s, we might have gotten bloody divorced by now... and be single... speaking of perfect games...
I am finally done with that marriage with Microsoft last Monday, I think...
I could sense that there are still many of them somewhere out there... however, those have been located are finally done... adios...
The whole Microsoft business kept on bringing me back to the delusions I had at the onset of my acute psychotic episode...
The delusional contents involved were much different in that episode than those ones I have or had later on...
Unlike the ones I have or started to have from the second acute episode on, where, annoyingly, death would pop up left and right everywhere, those delusions were mostly perfectly grandiose in nature and I don't recall the theme of death involved in them at all.
One name kept on popping up then was... Microsoft...
Microsoft was going to give me a job, sponsor my green card and pay for my tuition...
For the longest time, I thought that all those were promises that were never to be materialized until recently... at work, when I was plowing through them microsoft...
And, I realize that...
Those delusions were materialized just in a different form...
I did get a job with "Microsoft"....
My job did pay off mucho mucho of my tuition... and I did get a grant to pay for my dissertation study....
With green card? I don't know... perhaps the link sent by my boss for the green card lottery could help me get that carte de green of mine... 8-O lol
In any case, finally, while Microsoft has no idea at all that it actually married me, I am finally divorced... and, single...... or, reborn as symbolized by them deadly visions and thoughts?! 8-O lol sigh
Or, better yet, could it bring forth my divorce with my psychotic self? 8-O
Something told me to get back and visit some of the old clips I took....
Then, I reencountered the end of tunnel... a clip taken in January, 2007, played at 3.3 times of the original speed where the stop was marked as light on the other side...
How funny it feels now to be looking back at that time... for... almost 2 years later... it feels as if I have finally arriving at the other side... at two speed: slow and stop... 8-O lol sigh...
When we were cleaning up at the Flea Market today, I realized that this lady who got some of my stuffs left the bag behind...
I felt really bad about it...
She had left the bag with me but forgot to reclaim it...
There is no way I could get in contact with her and the only thing I could was to leave the bag with the front desk with the wishful thinking that... perhaps, tomorrow, the lady would come over to reclaim her belongings...
Then, just when I was thinking that it was because of the lady that I felt bad... it occurred to me that...
I actually was also feeling bad for all the ribbons and rubber stamps that she purchased... for... in my mind, at the point when the ownership changed hand, they were on their way to make the best use of their potentials...
The day started quite all right.... I got waken up by my friend because we have to start setting things up for the flea market thing for the day... in her apartment with a gorgeous view overlooking Hudson river and the GW bridge...
We started our day as independent and self-sufficient modern women... preparing for our day's venture in the flea market...
Being a disabled who can't carry much weight, my primary duty was to be sitting there being a watch dog... when she and her friends moved boxes and boxes of stuffs to be sold...
The time went by and finally it was almost 5... closing time...
It was not until then did we realize...
She started to get sick and I am disabled... while her other friends were gone..
Oops... how are we going to move all the boxes from the basement to the ground floor when there is no elevator and there is no other people to help?
At some point, this friend of mine was so sick that she was laying on the ground while yours disabled was trying to move stuffs... sort of like 2-3 bls at a time.... if not 1 and less...
Thank, God, there is this nice strong guy on duty and who helped us moving all them stuffs out of the building...
And, eventually, she got much of her stuff stacked into her trunk and we got the extras wheeled back to her building... and called it the day...
Arriving at her apartment, both of us very much crashed...
She was really sick and had to lay down to rest...
My body was not to happy... the right side all spasmic and I was limping along when trying to fix something for her to eat...
So there we are... the disabled trying to take care of the sick... 8-O lol
So said the disabled at some point and so agreed the sick...
Time to find a man to take care of ourselves...
And now...
Thank God I have enough meds to last me for one more day because, forget about the original plan of taking me back home tonight.... the sick is already in bed....
And, the disabled, regardless how much of that chi exercise she does, finds herself not quite capable at moving again... and thinks...
"Funny how life always has a way of slapping me in the face whenever I start to feel that no longer am I so much a disabled..." 8-O lol 8-X lol
Ok... should be looking for a job but what I did for myself today...
Sort of like... changes will arrive... in the meanwhile, with all the nice things in my life... happy... though not perfect... as manifested by the stain on the paper.... (didn't I tell you all these times that I am sick in the head with disordered thoughts? 8-O lol 8-X)
I have been accused of being a relativist before.... and I was told that my relativistic worldview is a result of me being too much influenced by my psychosis....
This thought came back to me after I attended the talk on the use of CBT on psychotics yesterday afternoon....
First of all, let's take a look at the second part of the sentence...
I was told that my relativistic worldview is a result of me being too much influenced by my psychosis....
One thing I would say is that... whoever has the tendency to make a comment like this is very lucky because he or she still doesn't get the idea of what it means to be psychotic at all (and please don't get me wrong... it really is wonderful for one not to get it at all).
Voices are not only voices... when a voice is "heard", the process is done for the signal to be attended to, to be perceived and for some preliminarily interpretation to be drawn. What that "react not" kinda thing I have been trying to do does nothing more than putting a stop to further elaboration on interpretations.
Concerning that delusion kinda phenomena... essentially, the delusions we have are but the externalizations of the "disordered" worldview... be it the script or mental model we operate on. And, there is a reason why it is disordered... regardless how hard we try, when the time is bad, you could be as logical and see as many plausibly interpretations as possible, however, that default and biased worldview remains to have the dominant impacts on how interpretations are drawn and how reactions are generated.
For instance, back in September and October, I was leading a life equivalent to that of Jackle and Hyde... for as the night falls, I would be engulfed by the delusional dasein moments captured in an earlier posting concerning Fear and Harm... Essentially, I would think and fear that others were coming to harm both me and the people I care about while, at the same time, although I know those are delusional thoughts and hallucinations, I had very little input in changing how I felt in them dasein moments.
It is only when the condition gets more stabilized and when things are not as bad can we really start talking about using cognition to will ourselves out of the disordered thinking processes and their consequences. Now I am at a state when I could see the "multiple interpretations of the same artifact" or to entertain the notion that there are more interpretations than the default one I am granted on the "observation" I made.
For instance, on my way to see my shrink Friday afternoon and as I was going to catch the subway, I saw people and their facial expressions.
The first thing that came into my mind was...
"They knew that I am on my way to see my shrink and I am going to suggest "terror" as the topic of discussion. This is why they are looking at me so strangely."
Then, the corrective mechanism kicked in...
"Psychotic and self-inflated."
So I thought to myself and I moved on... (and to what? 8-O lol sigh)
Another example would be my attending the meeting about psychotherapy for the psychotics.
So, I arrived at the meeting and sat down quietly. However, there is this feeling inside that I could not fight... some people knew that you are that Ratprincess and some people might consider me as a psychotic trying to get into their head... 8-O lol
Then.... the corrective mechanism directed by my meta-cognition kicked in again...
"Boring.... so what? Who gives a rat's ass about you?" (although my ass is bigger than I would like it to be... bodily dysmorphic disorder 8-O)
Yet another example...
So, I was hanging out with this couple... I went down for a smoke, and, after I got back, all of a sudden, the two of them looked at me and, out of blue, asked...
"Is your mother here?"
8-O lol
"How does my mama's whereabouts have anything to do with our conversation so far?"
"Could be someone said something." So I thought...
Yet, self-correction mechanism kicked in...
"Whatever..."
So, I continued on with the casual conversation... 8-O lol
Ok, all the blah blah blah I have been talking about is for a reason... maybe, what I have been applying to myself so far "could be" what they coined as CBT. (And, believe me, I don't think I had cooked it up myself because I must have read it before since this CBT thing predates me... lol)
Does it work? I guess, for me personally, it sort of works... (although with sample size as 1, not control group, and, purely based on my biased interpretations... can't quite make to much methodologically sound kinda inferences from it...)
At the same time, after applying it to myself all these years, did I eventually get cured? Oops... didn't I just take down the Ratology Blog because my psychotic self said so and, as a result, have to repost them writings one piece at a time to recover the blog? In addition, didn't I just go for a vacation in Club Meds in February? 8-O lol sigh
One thing I would say is that... for people who just could not shake the habit of them residual symptoms, this whole teaching them to see the multiple interpretations of the same artifacts thing or what is called CBT... might come handy and could be helpful. Hopefully, it would also help those who are in a state like this gentleman and that lady...
Yet, they also need to be made aware that such a skill itself is not a cure, and, maybe, one day there is gonna come a different type of psychosis called meta psychosis... at least based on the case study I have been running on myself. 8-O lol 8-X
So, at some point during the evening, I rethought the meeting that I had gone to...
I thought of how each of them seem to be so sure about the beliefs that they hold and how I can't help seeing all them different plausible interpretations...
So I thought...
Perhaps, it is true that my life as a psychotic did reinforce that relativistic self of mine mucho mucho....
At the same time, perhaps it is just like Yin and Yang... absolutist and relativist... all balanced out.... and it is because of relativists like me that there need to be absolutists...
And, one thing I DO believe is that... good luck to all them experts and their pursuits because... in the end, the only thing that really matter is.... whatever it might be... Does It Help?
I happened to be hainging out with this nice couple from Florida last night...
At some point, the husband's phone rang... and I was informed that it was his mother calling to check on them.
It was passed 8 and, apparently, they were way past their curfew time of 7.
So I was told... when they get back, shall they wake the mama up, they would just tell her....
"It is 7:30."
Mothers are just mothers regardless how old you are...
That reminded me of what happened at this talk I went to earlier on in the day...
So, I went to this meeting yesterday with the topic of discussion concerning the implications of CBT for psychotic patients... with speakers and attendants experts in related fields.
Towards the end of the meeting, as I was busy performing code switching between my psychologist and psychotist mode, this gentleman, sitting in front of me, who looked a bit more "mature" spoke out... with the sentence started with something like...
When I was in the Navy (or Army) in the 50s, xxx and xxx were already doing it...
and,
"... you young people just don't know..."
(ok... I never said that I could draw... 8-O lol)
At that point... I looked all around the room... I saw young people.... 8-O lol
"Living With a Hernia" written by 'Weird Al' Yankovic
Help me out! Dig! All I do is grunt and groan Hurts me to walk anywhere Went to see my physician, Dr. Jones He took my trousers off, told me to cough Doctor says there ain't nothin' to discuss He tells me any day I might have to wear a truss
Living with a hernia All the time, such aggravation Living with a hernia Gonna be my ruination Living with a hernia Got to have an operation Feel so old
Too much back pain Good gawd, drives me insane Can't run, barely crawl Got a bulge in my intestinal wall Walk real funny, bless my soul Can't play tennis and it's hard to bowl You can't even do the splits now... Say it! Better call it quits now Now I'm sick of all this dancin' anyhow
Living with a hernia Hurts me bad in a tender location Living with a hernia Had enough humiliation Living with a hernia Got to have an operation
I live with a hernia Can't get up, can't bend over Now I live with a hernia Wait a minute... You may not be familiar with the common types Of hernias that you could get So just settle down, let me clue you in There's incomplete Epigastric Bladder Strangulated Lumbar hernia Richter's hernia Obstructed Inguinal and Direct
Living with a hernia...Rupture! I said it's causin' me such irritation Living with a hernia Have to have my medication Living with a hernia I feel bad!
I was on my way to this friend's party to celebrate his birthday, promotion, and, the multimillion dollar grant that he just got awarded...
So I took M4, got off at around 59th street on Park Avenue, walked down to 57th street where there is the cross town bus that would take me right across the street from the restaurant...
Yet, as I strolled down 57th street, I decided to walk instead for each every step I made brought me a bit closer to 1st avenue and made the concept of taking the bus a bit more strange.... even though I still have the free transfer on my Metrocard... 8-O lol
As I inched away, I glanced through the shops....
Expensive stuffs... even with the buy one get one free discount...
I thought of those people who might frequent these shops and make their purchase for the leisure of the act of purchasing or make their purchase for the sake of making the purchase...
Yet, I did not really feel jealous thinking that some people could afford them... for I don't see the need for having any of those...
Then, I thought of how this really wealthy person that I know of who, despite of his wealth, unfortunately and tragically, cut his own life short... by, I think, mistake...
I thought, perhaps, it is much more difficult for people to accept the meaninglessness in life when they have more because.... how could all that they have amounted to be of no meaning?
And, I thought, perhaps, it is really a bless for me to have nothing much except for all them minor annoyances in life so far.... It is because there seems to be a shorter psychological distance between the concept of having nothing and meaningless when comparing to that between the notion of having many, if not every, things and meaninglessness.... lesser degree of cognitive dissonance, I guess, at least for me... 8-O lol
Then, much later, when I was chatting with this really nice and, comparing to me and perhaps many others, a very well-to-do lady... working in a good paying field, must have gotten her Green card and a few publications as well in her field...
Yet, she looked tired and seemed very burnt out by her living context and reality...
Since she was no stranger to the field of psychiatry, I was hinting to her the possibility of seeking some professional help... Yet, for her, such doesn't seem to be an option...
That led me to one choice.... retelling an old story of a part of my life...
The struggling to move beyond walking more than 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, etc steps at a time without having to stop...
The struggling to live till the day to come when the nerve pains would become "manageable"...
And, the various attempts I made as I kept on trying to get back to work.... while having to drop out of work again and again because, such, simply, my body couldn't handle... squandering away a whole year of the prime time in my life...
So I jokingly said to her....
"Think about it.... there is always someone else's life that is much worse off... mine for example..." 8-O lol
All them elaborations finally won me a laugh from her...
Yet, I know... that joke could only carry her this far...
At the end of her day, it is dependent on her to decide the kind of measures she is willing take to bring herself out of her existing worldview... (while, of course, what I really saw in her was a version of me years ago before I even went psycho... and, given my thought disorder, God knows whether my perceptions and interpretations are real.... 8-O lol)
Then, just when I was typing them words us... it occurred to me again....
Maybe, all the meaningless nothingness I had to go through did serve a purpose... at least, the dark comedy version of my narration did, however temporal it might be, illicit her genuine laughter and smile.... In other words, thank to her laughter, she had added some meaning to my greatest nothingness of all... 8-O lol
"If what you see is not in you, you will not be able to see..."
An interesting quote.... so I thought of again today...
Speaking of schema, script, mental model, mindset, etc....
Maybe this is why Roland Barthes said that the author is dead.... though, the given article, I have never read... Yet, how would it matter since the author is dead anyway? (Good excuse for lazy bone like moi...) 8-O lol
Why reaching out through the sharing the stories ?
Perhaps, it is true... it is better to give than to receive... for ourselves.... regardless what exactly we could give... or... self-preservation motivated by intuitions... can't really speak for the others but at least for my selves....
One thing I kept on hearing nowadays is... take it outside of yourself and your will see the light...
One word I thought about earlier on in the day was... empathy....
In addition, the telling of my own life is getting old for myself... 8-O lol
Guess it is the combination of them all, unconscious or unconsciously, that motivated me to browse through youtube today looking for real life stories concerning patients who are schizophrenic, schizoaffective... etc... and I made a playlist on youtube dedicating for the topic of mental health condition.
---the multiple manifestations of the same principles....
and, however lonely it might be to live through these symptoms, we surely are not alone... for too many people are trying to reach out in their own way... and... some of them don't even have to be psychotic. Through the only thing we could offer--- phenomenology of our Dasein moments, they try to comprehend.... (or is this some self-inflated thought... 8-O lol)
I don't know whether the author of the clip is psychotic or not... Yet, one thing I could tell you is that... It perfectly depicts what I was experiencing when, at the ER bed, begging the psychiatrist on duty to help me save my cognition because I was losing my concentration... when I checked myself into the Club Meds and asked them to get me institutionalized sometime after the onset...
Or, when I was threading them beads in club meds.... for the second time... (guess.. can't teach an old dog new tricks 8-O 8-X lol)
Quotes from the book Healing States (1986) by Alberto Villoldo & Stanley Krippner
True faith is something else. Faith is that inner commitment to life that brings emotional balance to the person. P. 33
the model of Quantum Theory can be interested to state that our material world is created again and again before our eyes each instant we perceive it. Thus the nature of reality is in the eyes of the beholder, in the act of beholding itself. The shaman takes this one step further.... reality, from the point of view of the shaman, emerges from an individual's or society's expectations. P. 131
Synchronicity involves an inner psychological event that matches an external observable event; imagination probably plays an important role in establishing this connection. P. 154
Shamans as researchers and scientists. p. 162
Some researchers have taken the position that shamans and diviners are schizophrenic. These writers point to the bizarre emotional experiences which often typify a shaman's calling: the initiate may hear voices, see visions, and manifest what many psychiatrists and psychologists would term "hallucinations" and "delusions." Sometimes these manifestations are terrifying; reports of hearing the shrieks of demons or seeing one's body torn apart are not uncommon. The shamanic call is also likened to a psychotic break in that both reflect the inability to solve the practical problems of existence, taking an eccentric, idiosyncratic path instead. P. 180 8-O lol
"Shamans can also tell the difference between inner and outer experiences. Schizophrenics can make neither distinction easily......" P. 181 (Ratprincess: Real? 8-O Seems like the author just sentenced we schizo to death.... What about the days when the conditions are not all that bad? 8-O)
"Instead of hospitalizing and medicating schizophrenics, they should be treated as potential shamans and guided through their hallucinations and delusions until a degree of personal and social integration has been attained." P. 183 (Ratpricess: Wow... maybe this could be my new career... not to say I have a career already in place... 8-O lol)
"Schizophrenics are in altered states most of the time and are generally unable to function well in the domain of "ordinary reality."" P. 183
My favorite quote from this movie is...
If what you see is not in you, you will not be able to see...
No truer word... how else did I select them quotes? 8-O lol
I thought of Rule # 6 or "Don't take yourself so D... serious".... while the problem I have is that I seem to have some problem in taking myself really serious for a prolonged period time... if not for a while... at least nowadays...
So I pondered....
Is it some kind of epidemic that could be generalized to other perspectives of life?
Work, for instance? I do take my work serious... and I think my propensity to take it serous not only drive myself crazy... it also really help in driving others crazy.... 8-O lol
What about relationships? I do take the relationships I have with people really serious and I absolutely respect the relationships I have with people.
As a result, it seems to me that the problem is local--- only when it involves topics concerning "me, myself and I"....
So, logically, I thought to myself... could it be the drug or the ever worsening memory of mine?
Yet, shall it be due to the medications or memory problem, the impact should be global and the perfect game I am playing with them software programs or my husband won't even exist...
At the same time, could I have gone too far, at least unconciously, with the self deconstruction thing though there doesn't seem anything there to be deconstructed? 8-O lol
Then, I thought.... or, could it be the training provided by my delusions since it doesn't really make too much sense to get too worked up by my own thoughts when many of them are delusional in nature? 8-O lol
Or... what else?
And, I thought... perhaps, this is the reason why that, if one day, I were really going to work on writing a book or even an article, while some people might prefer to be the sole author, I will need to find myself co-authors.... to put a leash on my unsticking and drifting self.... and, especially when there doesn't really seem to be anything that I know all that well.... 8-O lol
(I do know one thing and pretty sure about it.... at the end of the day, I am but a 800 bls guerrilla in the room.... 8-O lol)
After some diligent work in going back to review my writings in that first Ratology blog, I am now finally back to the New Year's Day of this year... and, possibly, with some more of the back tracking to do...
With one question in mind...
How did it get to go so far that I finally ended in the psychiatric ward?
Hope this is not gonna be another one of my futile pursuit in trying to make sense of nothing at all... 8-O lol
Anyone wonna join this effort... please let me know...
"I am not really ready for a boyfriend... though, I am ready to settle down for a husband..."
Then, I thought... how strange... isn't it the proper sequence in modern time for people to first start from being boyfriend or girlfriend with someone before moving on into the marriage state.
Then, I realized that what the statement represents is an unfounded assumption I have that divides the "friends" and "weds" relationship...
Essentially, the "friend" state reminds me of the repetitive iteration of gaming playing... while, in marriage, the relationship has gotten so old and comfortable that it is useless to be playing to much of them games...
Then, just when I was about to challenge my own assumption, I realized that.... such a challenge bears no purpose... other than allowing me type a few more words if not sentences or paragraphs. (And, this, of course, is a representation of my worldview and its embedded assumptions and value system.)
Maybe what that sentence really tells me is my detest for gaming playing....
Maybe what that sentence really reveals is a companion type of relationship... rather than one that is explosive like fireworks and dies off as the sparkles are gone after the honey moon stage... 8-O lol
Maybe passion doesn't seem to be a state lasting to long and I am done with getting burnt left and right by the blame... 8-O lol
Or, maybe, I am just getting old and seeking for a long term meal ticket.... 8-O lol
Except for...
Such an ending would also be scary though.... 8-X lol
Two experiments I find interesting for people to test it on themselves, which involve role playing and free associations...
Scenario I: Regardless whether you are in a relationship or not, imagine the one you love tells you that she or he hears voices, see things, and has delusions running left and right in his or her daily life... What would be your first reaction, second, third... and so on....
Scenario II: This time, imagine you are the one who hears voices, see things, and has delusions running left and right in your daily life... Once in a while, you might have checked in to club meds from some time off from life at large.... though you don't really want to go back. Regardless whether you are in a relationship or not, imagine that you have been going steady with someone special.... What do you think you might do with this information that you have been kept so long within yourself?
For those of you who have seriously taken yourself through both scenarios... I sincerely hope you could share with me your thoughts or reactions... Essentially, what it be like?
For those who made such effort of reading through this passage but did not go through with it... the question I have for you is... Why not?
(By the way, just so that you know, I did have this jackass who promised that he would still love me to death despite the fact that I am short in the head... 8-O lol Ended up, to date, he is still no where to be found.... just so that you know... 8-O lol)
Did some chit-chatting with this nice girl last night...
When I was looking and speaking with her, in my mind I thought... such must have been what they meant by the fountain of youth... so exuberantly energetic and beautiful....
At some point, surfacing in our conversation is the concept of imperfection...
Granted, we all are imperfect in our own capacity....
However, at times, it is just far more than difficult for us to let go of this notion of our imperfection... especially when we come to suspect how the imperfections that are so pronounced to ourselves seem to be so very neglected in the eyes of the beholder....
So, we spoke of imperfections in us...
And, I looked at her at some point and mentioned to her something like...
"I enjoyed your company and I think you are beautiful. Why are you killing yourself about the imperfection that I could hardly see?"
And, then, I realized that...
This is as much a comment for her as for myself.... why am I beating myself to death with my imperfections?
And, regardless what I have said and done all these times and after all these years...
If I were to list the people whom I know to have problems with them mental health conditions... the first one to be enlisted would be me...
After all these times, I remain to be unable to break away from the shadow effect of being psychotic and so on...
And, this reminded me of a question I asked during a group meeting for female patients in the psychiatric ward earlier this year...
So I must have asked...
"At what stage during a relationship should I break the news to the person that I am psychotic?"
Many of my senior and more experienced fellow patients looked at me and responded...
"How is it their business?"
Maybe, one day, I will be able to reach their state or maybe not... a state I can quite understand not...
Yet, today, I know (and at least I have this insight) that I am still the person responsible for incarcerating me in my mental health conditions.... and... if only there is a user manual that came with the condition I have been granted... 8-O lol
This story comes back to me once every so often.... a story about a woman's pursuit for the big love....
The story was set by Niagara Fall...
The story involved a woman who works in a hotel, which either is called big love or has a big love sign...
As she was young, she decided to take part in a venture that involved a group of people being in something like a tube that went down the Niagara Fall, with only this woman and a guy she knew survived....
From then on... she couldn't stop her pursuit for the Big Love....
Since I could recall neither the author nor the title of this short story, I sent an email to the library of Niagara Fall, and, to you, with this posting, asking... where I could find for myself that story of a big love...
Was just speaking with my daddy and mommy on skype...
When I was approaching 30, they were fairly eager in finding me a man...
Many a match making session I went through...
One time, I met with two brothers and their whole family...
One day, I was so busy with the scheduling that I had to cut the dinner meeting short so that I could squeeze another guy in for a later night appointment...
Over 5 or 6 years past, I think they have sort of given up on me... until, recently, when they started to ask me about that "boyfriend" question...
Then, during our chit-chatting just now, mama said something really wise...
"Sometimes it is better to be loved by someone than to love someone..."
When, in reality, self-inflated and ego centric as I am, I just assume that I am loved.... though... where is that boyfriend of mine who still haven't found what he is looking for... 8-O lol
Bartoli & Fleming - Le Nozze di Figaro - Sull'aria
Andy played Sull'aria from Le Nozze di Figaro in Shawshank Redemption
"I have no idea to this date what those two Italian ladies were singing about... The truth is, I don't wanna know... Somethings are best left unsaid..." So said Morgen Freeman in Shawshank Redemption...
What could've been yours or mine contexts as well as the ensuing interpretations?
The longer I worked on them Microsoft software... the more I come to realize that... I am essentially married to them software programs and can't get a divorce from it...
You see....
No sex and, the more I look at them, the more faults I find in them.... while, them to me, meal ticket.... and there is no communication between us.... 8-O lol
OMG... am I serenading to software programs? 8-O lol
Quotes from the Art of Possibility-- Completed on Nov. 8th, 2008
We do not mean that you can just make anything up and have it magically appear. We mean that you can shift the framework to one whose underlying assumptions allow for the conditions you desire. P. 15
You can shift the framework to one whose underlying assumptions allow for the condition you desire. P. 15
Virtually everybody, whether living in the lap of luxury or in diminished circumstances, wakes up in the morning with the unseen assumption that life is about the struggle to survive and get ahead in a world of limited resources. P. 19 (Really? I don’t think so… unless it is an assumption so very deeply hidden in my unconsciousness.)
In the measurement world, you set a goal and strive for it. In the universe of possibility, you set the context and let life unfold. P. 21
Michelangelo is often quoted as having said that inside every block of stone or marble dwells a beautiful statue; one need only remove the excess material to reveal the work of art within. P. 26
Rule number 6: Don't take yourself so D... serious P. 79
Indeed, the capacity to be present to everything that is happening, without resistance, creates possibility. It creates possibility in the same way that, if you are far-sighted, finding your glasses revives your ability to read or remove a splinter from a child’s finger. At last you can see. You can leave behind the struggle to come to terms with what is in front of you, and move on. P. 101
“Cosmic laughter,” the laughter that comes from the surprise and delight of seeing the obvious. P. 101
Resistance to ice can take you on quite a painful downward slide, whereas traversing ice as through it is a friendly surface will usually deliver you gracefully to the other side. P. 102
And if we make a mistake, we can mentally raise our arms and say, “How fascinating” and reroute our attention to the higher purpose at hand. P. 103
Closing the exit (escape, denial, and blame) means staying with the feeling, whatever they are. It means letting them run their course, as a storm sweeps overhead showing rain and thunder, only to be followed by clear patches of blue. P. 104
Nature makes no judgment. Human do. And while our willingness to distinguish good and evil may be one of our most enhancing attributes, it is important to realize that “good” and “bad” are categories we impose on the world--- they are not of the world itself. P. 105
Abstraction that we unwittingly treat as physical reality tend to block us from seeing the way things are, and, therefore reduce our power to accomplish what we say we want. P. 107
"Being with the way things are calls for an expansion of ourselves. We start from what is, not from what should be; we encompass contradictions, painful feelings, fear and imaginations and--- without fleeing, blaming or attempting correction..... We learn to soar, like the far-seeing hawk over the whole landscape" P. 111
Dare to let go of the edges of ourselves… Participate! P. 121
Yet, were we to take a “no” less personally and ourselves less seriously, we might hear something else. P. 126
"I am here to cross the swamp, not to fight the alligators." P. 177
It is an ongoing choice for all of us- when a lover neglects to call, a colleague lets us down, or someone surpasses us, we can choose to tell the story of the WE or the story of the Other. P. 184
... Did we resolve the issues? Obviously not, but the issues themselves are rarely what they seem, no matter what pains are taken to verify the scoreboard. P. 188
In case anyone wonders... officially, "Strange situation" is a specific procedure developed by Mary Ainsworth to assess little ones' attachment relationship with their caregivers...
The notion of being a Guinea pig of them squirrels brought me back to the time when I was at UBC and when I used to be the participants of various research projects to make some quick cash.... 10 Canadian dollar per hour, I guess...
One of the lab I used to volunteer would put electrodes on my head while I was engaging in whatever tasks required....
Many a time, after engaging in the repetitive task for too long a time, I could gradually start to fall asleep... The guy running the experiment outside could actually identify the change in my brain waves and remind me to stay awake... 8-O lol
One day, after I completed my task, I asked the doctoral student who was running the project...
"How did I do? Did I do it well?" So I must have asked...
"You did great... Your data point coincides with the value of the mean." So he replied with something like this...
Recalling it today... I can't stop finding it funny....
They spoke of relationship phobia like it is so bad....
Like it is so very tragic....
It is almost like OMG... relationship phobia...
Yet, I guess... some part of me simply couldn't help seeing it from the mindset or the perspective that...
"Are you sure it is worst than being psychotic, in chronic pain, having problem walking... or so constipated that you have to turn to prune juice? 8-O lol"
Then, I thought... ya... let's eat veges and drink prune juice to get the constipation resolved first.... 8-O lol
From the 1993 french film 'Bleu' directed by Krzysztof Kieslowski.
'Song for the Unification of Europe' Composer: Zbigniew Preisner An abridged version of 1 Corinthians:13 ("Hymn to Love") of the Bible.
Sinfonia Varsovia, conducted by Wojciech Michniewski Elzbieta Towarnicka, soprano The Silesia Philharmonic Choir.
Greek Lyrics: Ean tes gloses ton anthropon lalo ke ton angelon agapin de mi eho, gegona halkos ihon i cymbalon alalazon. Ke ean eho profitian ke ido ta mystiria panta oste ori methistanin,agapin de mi eho ouden imi. I agapi makrothymi, christevete, I agapi ou zili, i agapi ou perperevete, ou fysioute. Panta stegi, panta pistevi, panta elpizi, panta ypomeni, i agapi oudepote ekpipti ite de profitie katargithisonte ite glose pafsonte ite gnosis katargithisete Nini de meni, pistis, elpis, agapi, ta tria tafta, mizon de touton i agapi.
English translation: Though I speak with the tongues of angels if have not love, my worlds would resound with but a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and though I have all faith so that I could remove mountains if I have not love I am nothing Love is patient, full of goodness, love tolerates all things, aspires to all things Love never dies while the prophecies shall be done away tongues shall be silenced knowledge shall fade Thus then shall linger only faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love.
Today, as I arrived at the Park and was about to start exercising, I saw this group of happy people with a cute little puppy....
"How synchronous!" So I thought.
Just when I was looking at the cute puppy playing with them...
This gentleman said to me something like...
"Watch the squirrel... it is going to drink your coffee..."
While turning around, I said something like...
"That's ok... we could share..."
After I turned around, all that I saw was a squirrel on the tree... Apparently, the squirrel had jumped over...
So I started to do my exercise...
And, at some point, one squirrel came...
It was as if the squirrel was sort of checking me out....
Then, it walked over to my coffee.... put its two little front feet on the top of the coffee cup and sniffed at it....
Then, it must have decided that the coffee was not to its taste..
It moved away from the coffee... and moved towards my coat...
After a little bit of contemplation, it walked right over my coat to get to the other side....
Then, it stopped and stood on its hind legs with its front legs in front of its chest staring away at God knows what.... while I stood there staring at it with my jaw almost dropped... for this is the first time when I saw a squirrel get to be within 1 feet away from my coffee and coat.... and the squirrel has just a strange situation to me introduced....
"I am and have been the Guinea pig of many people... including myself... Have I just become the Guinea pig of them squirrels?" So I thought... 8-O lol
And... don't tell me them lab rats also decide to start drinking them Chocolate milk.... 8-O lol
So... last night, pumpkin night... I sat at the bar drinking my beer and my beloved hot water with steam coming out....
Everything is the way it should be...
Me not talking to much....
Looking at people... thinking about the thought about which I am thinking...
Or thinking of nothing... carefully drinking the pint of hot water while sometimes staring into the water for the sake of staring really hard at it...
And, perhaps, at times, feeling content about how life is so strange and nice... 8-O lol
Till... at some point, this lady in Victorian costume approached me....
Oh... she is a neighbor of mine whom I sometimes bump into on the street and we had hang out together at times...
I had not realized it was her when I first saw her coming in to the bar, with her attire and make-up on...
I didn't realized that it was her until she came and approached me...
"Do you want to join me and my friends?"
So I went over to join the girls... switched away from the relaxed kind of pensive or headless state... switched into the extroverted kind of hanging out mode....
Girls just wanna have fun and we had fun...
After they left for another bar downtown, I got back to my bar seat.... switching back to that headless mode...
Sitting quietly as if nothing ever happened... while I am no more than a space holder.... or an inactive avatar.... squandering away the here and now.... entrapped in the never ending reminiscences of the not so very happy part of the past... while, trying at the same time, to let go of the tendency to zoom out and bring myself back to the present...
At some point, I decided to go all the way back to the time of Southern Comfort in my Vancouver years...
A time when I was as young as the two nice girls next to me...
A time when all that I had learned remained to be textbook version...
A time when I jumped from one relationship to another relationship... a vicious cycle of never ending rebounds....
Another perfect time in life.... surrounding the time when they introduced to me Southern Comfort and one of the worst hangover I ever had after... 8-O lol
So... there I sat, sipping slowly, in the comfort of the context, along with my dear steaming water, my Southern Comfort...
Then, there came them happy boys...
They came, happily greeting me.... some even offered to marry me... (Man... God finally is answering my call for an American Husband... yet, don't worry, my dear Department of Homeland Security... please read the following.... 8-O lol)
Then, I saw my own reflection in the mirror... holding on to my pint of hot water... sipping it with the same expressions of them squirrels in the Park when they suddenly found my bag and coat blocking their path.... causing a strange situation...
lol
Like my fellow Rodent... Squirrels... I downed the water and da Southern Comfort... I paid my damage, sincerely thanked them boys for their flattering comments, and, I ran off....
And... even though this thought was so loud and clear in my head... not too many people have posted comments in my blogger career... but it seems like... someone has been reading my blog on them Tiramisu lines to speak of... 8-O lol
At home I thought.... after all these years.... I haven't changed much... like them lab rats who shun away from their beloved chocolate milk when getting sick after drinking it... be the situations real or not, or, genuine or not... I can't help running away... as if there is an voice telling me to "Run! Run! Run for your life!!!".... and what would it take for me to stop running off?
So it goes my selfish thought... relationship phobia.... 8-O lol 8-X
(OMG... This kid was sooooooo very cute then.... and.. both Glenn Medeiros and Tommy Page's songs... so very puppy love kinda feeling... 8-O lol)
Lonely won't leave me along
Why do I seem to be caught up inside a dream
All my life, it's always been my shadow and me
Over my shoulder there's always a voice somewhere
Saying I never should try to set my heart free
I wish that love would come and take me in her arms
Show me what I've never known.
Where I could hold someone words like right and wrong
Just fade away like yesterday
Lonely won't leave me alone
Lonely won't leave me alone
Why, tell me why, won't even let me fall in love
Oooooh everywhere I go always by my side
Won't even let me fall in love
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/eI1 ]
I try and say I love you but the words won't come through
In my eyes, see all the tears and sad memories
Why can't I start out new and leave that
old feeling too far behind
I guess that lonely needs company
Around each bend of road
I'm thinking that in time there
will be that rainbow's end
But when I follow those self illusions
I find that it's only lonely and me again
Lonely won't leave me alone
Lonely won't leave me alone
Why, tell me why, won't even let me fall in love
Oooooh everywhere I go always by my side
Won't even let me fall in love
Lonely won't leave me alone
I wish that love would come
Lonely won't leave me alone
And take me home
Lonely...
Whit
-
Whit sounds like wit and according to dictionary.com, it means
a particle; bit; jot (used especially in negative phrases).
I have changed not a whit. I do...
A dream: Backpacking
-
On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an
extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the
Narita Air...
Ratprincess in Technology not lost?
-
Given my sick-in-the-headness, sometimes it's hard to trust my LTM. Did
Ratprincess in Technology really exist or was it my false memory?
As I was marv...
Traces of the past
-
A link I found that has been live online from the Down with Meds age.
Apparently, the past has always been there whether I knew it or not.
It was as if the squirrel was sort of checking me out....
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