Loving intentions

So...

I had wanted to finish writing up this report based on the cluster and MDS analyses I ran the past few days...

Then, my head got me side-tracked... or, perhaps, I am destined to get side-tracked from looking at the data as data and analyses as analyses... with the sole purpose of my efforts on finding a way to show them wrong... 8-O oops..

So...

After I made my last posting, I thought of how drained I was after the afternoon's work....

I also recall how miserable I was starting to feel about the approaching New Year....

In my mind, another year in limbo... accomplishing nothing...

"What a depressing time while one, in theory, is supposed to be happy and festive...."

So was the mindset of mine...

Then, I took a seat on the bench outside of the deli next to the people that I have come to know during my days of disability...

Still all grumpy...

Then, they reminded me how far I have come so far.... how I was an old lady with a cane... struggling to move one step at a time... and... struggling some more to move some more steps again...

"I would not have imagine myself to be getting out of that state..."

I must have responded with something like it...

That was a state when there didn't seem to be any chance to see light at the end of the tunnel... or... when I wasn't even quite sure whether I was in the tunnel yet... 8-O lol sigh

I was getting more and more psychotic each everyday, haunted by the possibility that all pains and disability I experienced was but the manifestations of psychosomatization while simply failing to see improvements in my stop and slow kinda tempo in my mobility...

Worse of all, after the winter arrived when the temperature dropped, like nowadays, the condition deteriorated to my moving 2-3 steps a time even when I attempted to cross Broadway...

I suppose they are right...

Although I have not moved to far, I have gone farther than I could have imaged in some strange way... and, again, I wouldn't have imagined my level of mobility today back only, say, 5 or 6 months ago...

Then, the gentleman reminded me again... about how it was the best thing I could have ever done to bring my sorry body, if not mind, out to the world outside everyday all along.... Ya, rather than keeping myself in my little room-- drowning myself in my self-pity and depressive thoughts...

So... we sat there on the bench conversing about the past, the present and the future.... till...

All of a sudden, I came to the realization that I am recharged with happy energy.... through loving intentions...

And, Happy New Year is a passage from me to all... for, however little I have amounted to this year to pass... I am seeing myself blessed in all different ways I could not have imaged before...

Surely, at times, I can't wonder whether there is a reason for anything at all... still... I prefer to think that things happen for a reason when I have a choice... and I now know that there is always a choice...