Positive

The interesting thing about life is that nothing could ever be perfect...

Just when I thought to myself... man... finally I have the thing called thoughts...

Things positive start to come back... sort of like that thing I heard...

"Don't go out..." with multiple benign reasons... including one version as "you have extended your capacity."

So I thought... when did you become my mom-- always wanting to tell me what to do? 8-O lol oops...

On a second thought... isn't that what the positive symptoms are supposed to do anyways? 8-O lol

Confused

I am very confused...

I just finished reading up some stuffs concerning hazing and typed out some sentences relating to the issue of hazing....

This ain't making sense... in the back of my head so I thought...

It is as if yesterday or the day before never existed.... 8-O

Not making sense...

Like normal

I don't know what happened overnight...

Now there is no more excuses.... for me feel pretty normal..... my kind of normal... 8-O

How could it be? It ain't making sense at all... This is not how adjustment normally progress.... 8-O

So I go back to analyse the policy of that "Bong Hit 4 Jesus" school.... and I thought... where have you been all these times in my life?

Thinking... thoughts...

After walk

Just got back from a brief walk....

As evident by my last postings, I was sensing overflowing energy and budding anxiety...

After walk, seems to calm down much...

Strange thing called exercising...

Lift you up and calm you down...

Season's changed

I don't know what happened...

Yet, all of a sudden, I am feeling the impact of the dosage going down.... as evident in the posting about What I can't stand....

I have done nothing different today...

Could it be them thousands pieces of paper that I had to count?

Or could it be da Margarita?

Gotta adjust to it... Yet, to be honest, better this way....

Thanks God...

What I can't stand

What I really can not stand is when people do not keep their words....

It is not as if I am never guilty of it... However, if it involves only me and I could keep my words, I will do it... (speaking of which I was supposed to have called up this friend of mine back two nights ago...)

It, especially, drives me crazy when people feel they could change their mind about plans while I have to be the middleman...

For instance, mama kept on telling this lady about going to the park for a picnic for all these days...

All of a sudden, this morning she seemed to have a change of mind and wanted me to tell the lady that maybe we would simply do a walk around the park.... and maybe we should go hang out with this other friend instead...

That got me annoyed... so I told her... you can't just cancel someone out like that?! That is purely awful...

So I had to contact this lady and told her that maybe we would just do a walk around the park...

Then I got home and my mom talked about the picnic again...

So I her told... Stop changing like that... I had to contact the other person about your wanting to change the plan and now you decided all in your own mind to have the plan changed again...

Keep your word or stop it, period. It gets me annoyed having to be the middleman this way and such I can't stand....

Ain't no nothing

Mama was talking about what is to happen with me in terms of my prospective to stay in NYC.

The good thing about the state I am in, I guess, is that... ain't no nothing so grand and so big...

To survive in one piece... gotta learn to see that ain't no nothing so big...

Then, I thought of the concept of losing it...

Ain't no chance for me to lose no nothing...

What could you possibly lose when you ain't got no nothing... not even them marbles? 8-O lol

Guess this is what makes me lucky.... anything out of nothing makes it an extra... thus, I have been granted much (especially now I feel my thinking 8-O)

Then, again, I thought of what that guy in Time Traveller's Wife said about the possibility of travelling in time...

What would it be like if that 25-year-old me have the chance to encounter this me today?

Again, the same question, would I change a thing at all?

So I "thought"... in agreement with that Bana guy... what fun would it be to know the future? In addition, grandpa's paradigm... ain't no nothing gonna change at all... possibly...

In addition, all the fights for prizes and desires-- invisible cities, all these times, what good have they done for me lately?

On a second thought... oops... perhaps I am going crazy... 8-O

Guess this is why life is a zero sum game... you win something.... you lose something... and vice versa... Sort of like what I could not run away from before is unnecessary complicity, as evident by my dissertation. What I have been granted if not stuck at nowadays is... on the contrary... simplicity... nothing up there... all is complex and all is simple...

And, perhaps, life is like quick sand... the harder you try to hold on... the faster you lose... 8-O

(took over an hour to put all sentences together... wonder whether it sounds like the city of desire?)

Adjustment

Strange as it might sound... sometimes it amazes me that I am so very well-adjusted..... 8-O lol

On a second thought... what does it mean?

Psychic at DHS

The way my head works nowadays lead me to think...

The guy who evaluate my green card application at the DHS must be a psychic...

The United States of American doesn't really need no nothing like this...

On the other hand, isn't it of the Prozac national interest to see coping in progress? 8-O lol 8-X

Unless the US doesn't like people with issues in life according to DHS? 8-O lol

You see.. reality sucks sometimes but it will get better.

Verbal v. Visual

When meeting with my counsellor today and when my head was working better, I told him that it seems like the impairment is worse when the tasks involve reading and writing.

Although sometimes the sentences would come out not like complete sentences, I mostly could still communicate verbally.

As an attempt to find ways to adapt, I decided to tell my mama the stories about them case laws as an attempt to use verbal dialogue to help me think...

Mama told me... "What about you talk to me about what you thinks and I help you write it down?"

I replied... "Extra work in translation...." 8-O lol

Then I thought...

Interesting... dual channel theory... verbal v. visual... the theory behind my dissertation...

Lowing more?

Was thinking whether anyone would wonder...

If I think most of my grief about my cognitive problem has to do with too much Seroquel, why don't I ask to have the dosage lowered again?

So is the problem concerning with dosage decrease....

You see, when the dosage has to go up, all that you care about is to have the dosage go all the way up till the symptoms are controlled...

The process involved with lowering the dosage is far more tricky... because, if not careful, you might turn yourself the other way....

Walking on think ice... usually....

Leveling down

The cognitive processing capacity is leveling down again...

At least, what I have been granted in the last hour or so has allowed me to find the school policy for Juneau-Douglas High School where the "Bong Hit 4 Jesus" incident occurred and set up an outline for this policy.

Again, I am back to facing the problem of being unable to read more the a few words at a time (<7).

High

Walked over 100 Manhattan blocks today... At around 90 blocks, I started feeling happy and energetic.... towards the end of my walk, I started feeling happy and high.... on endorphins I guess...

Almost an hour after my walk, I still feel like "myself."

Gotta cherish the opportunities to use the cognition I am granted and hastily go to some work.

Less tight

Head seems to be less tight now.

Could do reading except for I can't find no school policies addressing the issue of freedom of speech... 8-O

Stall

Still again... my head...

Flat...

Interesting how the body resets its own neurochemicals.... Feels as if sugar high and crash...

Stall again

My head is running slower and slower again...

The exercise effect is wearing out or has worn out...

Walk

Took a really brisk walk... as per direction of my body... this morning...

Amazing grace... it absolutely jumped the engine of my head and I was even able to read earlier...

Was unable to think and read the whole day yesterday which got me really upset.

Will try to see whether the effect will crash... which happened last Thursday...

Will also see whether I will be able to do thinking related task now... when you have it... use it... cease the time!

Single processing

Just realised that now I am only left with the ability to perform single processing.

Cognition seems to stall when tasks involve complexities (more than one process).

Not quite sure whether I have felt more stupid for an extended amount of time like this round.

Mad

I don't know how it is for people with learning disabilities...

Having to deal with my kind of LD... It makes me feel really mad at times because the head just can't do it.

It is not a nice feeling.

Limited processing power

I found a way to help me read words... using my figure to point on each every words.

It is still difficult to read but at least it helps me to move from words to words.

Auditory signals from the environment seems to take precedence in the processing. Sounds in the environment makes it even more difficult to attend to words.

Jealous

Can't read texts pass a few words without the emerging tension kinda headache. Then the eyes start to focus on above the screen... or unfocus on texts...

Gotta say... jealous of them people who could do it.

Irony

Another day on 300 mg... lowered dosage....

The head should be moving better and the risk for psychotic symptoms should be direr...

Yet... the head doesn't move...

How would it be.... dosage keeps on getting lower and I keep on getting more and more overdosed? Can't keep up... including to cope....

Good thing I feel overdosed... means condition getting better...

The problem... head doesn't work... can't read... can't write... concrete in my head... especially not making sense... decreased symptoms during high stress state... 8-O 8-X

How could it be possible?

Reading

Can't believe it... at around 3, I am still having problem comprehending texts such as the following...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fourteenth_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution

Kiss and make up

This guy on Mafia War put me on hitlist and got me snuffed...

I figured...

I must have beaten him up pretty bad in Cuba...

So I sent him a friend-request through facebook and got a message immediate from him on my wall...

"Okay, now let's go whack them other guys."

The simplicity of life as a Mafia.... you don't even need to kiss and make up.... 8-O lol

Da mouth

Something strange happened today when I went hanging out...

The topic of my drinking hot water came up and, although knowing people were joking around, these words came so very smoothly out of my mouth...

".... I will take my business somewhere else..." 8-O (sounding as if I am bringing any business... oops...)

So I thought...

Cognitive overload induced channel leaking...

Just when I was feeling a bit sorry about how them things out from da mouth might not sound so nice....

I came to realize... so I have reiterated so many times...

I never promise you a rose garden.... and as has been so very eloquently put before... the closest I could get to be angelic is "an angle in disguise"... 8-O lol oops...

At the same time, this thought occurs to me... this kinda weather... seems like maybe I shall lock myself up at home.... safer this way... 8-X

Ship passing in the sea

Thank God...

Da delusional grade of fear came up and past.... like da ship passing in the sea...

Please let it pass.... 8-O 8-X

Concurrent

Them Supreme Court judges seem to like to do the current or dissent kinda things, which makes me very confused at times...

Just now... that head of mine, which is finally getting itself to do reasoning kind of stuff also gave a different currently ruling...

Out of nowhere... this fear came into my mind... the same kind of fear that I have spoke before so many a time...

The same kind of fear my shrink asked me whether had returned when I went to see him on Thursday...

Then... I sat here looking for the laws concerning how child pornography is not protected by the First Amendment http://bit.ly/20vK8W...

Da fear resurfacing...

So I thought to my head...

Yes and true, it is your First Amendment right for the freedom of speech and for expressions... isn't it also my right to be free of fear... period? Unless to be free of fear is not a right... rather a privilege? (Although I don't think the First Amendment would have anything to do with an alien like me... 8-O lol 8-X)

Tinker case

Reasoning

After I finished writing the last paragraph in my homework, I realized that I have gained something new today... the ability to reason...

What I mean is that...

What I have been able to do up to yesterday is to rearrange and paraphrase statements, including facts, made by other people... (speaking of the conventional Chinese wisdom of the 天下文章一大抄 phenomena 8-O lol oops)

However, today, I am able to produce sentences like the following:

"The following policies are in accordance with the criteria set forth by the Tinker Test. Vandalism and disruptive use of the network could result in disruptions in the school operations. Vandalism and the attempt for unauthorized login to other people’s account could be considered as an invasion to others' right."

Gotta say though... I am not quite sure how sound the reasoning might or whether my interpretation is correct or not.... Guess this has more to do with the comprehension of the content rather than the cognitive processing itself...

In other words, it just occurred to me that what I have been taking notes about is the processing itself-- sort of independent of the contents.... although perhaps I am the only person on this planet who didn't know it.... 8-O 8-X

Head moving

At this hour and today, I am finally capable of putting in writing thoughts that seem flowing...

I have been pondering about da gaming thought but simply did not have enough to put the loose thoughts in the back of my head into thoughts I could operate on.

Improvements do not come by easy... Let me get back to use the part of head that I have been elegantly granted for now.

Gaming

In between my doing the homework thing, I check back to Mafia War... finding myself short on pesos in Cuba to buy me da 1800 pesos jeep to capture an army post...

Da doe ain't come easy on the streets in Cuba...

So I found myself thinking...

"Gotta find someone rich to attack to get my pesos..." 8-O lol 8-X

The funny thing is... when attacking people in New York, usually, I attack each person only one time since the payoff of jobs is much higher...

However, since Pesos are harder to come by, I find myself become a ruthless attacker on the street in Cuba with this strange mentality developing-- like what one other player said before, "I don't have respect for people who do not bank their money."

Alas... all else I have accomplished not through them thoughtless days and nights...

One thing I could say to myself now is that... at least, about five years after, now I am back to gaming, which would make it more legit for me to speak of the educational implications of computer games... 8-O lol 8-X

And, speaking of violence and violent games...

Nice thing

I met this lady who is new in town for a month today and invited her home for dinner.

Mama cooked and we ate.

We took a walk out with our new lady friend.

Back home, so thought mama and I... nice to be able do someone something nice despite the fact that I might be like a b-from-hell.

Especially when people are nice.

Runaway bride

Watched the movie "Runaway Bride" with my mama as our Saturday night entertainment...

It could have been me... could it? Especially when I have no idea what I am.

So I thought... 8-O lol

Fear

Sometimes I think many of the delusions I have might be the representation of issues I am not yet capable of processing... including things such as fear for death or tramatic kinda stuffs from the past.. etc...

What could I do about it?

Tired

I started getting tired at around 3:00 o'clock today.

The head started to move a bit earlier... but feel more tired earlier when comparing to yesterday.

Gotta say though there are improvements that I observed earlier...

Now I am capable of composing sentences if not ideas based on what I have read.

Obscene

Now I am capable of reading up text contents and try to understand longer texts with the topic I am reading being... obscenity, which is not protected by the First Amendment.

I can even try to explain to my friend the differences between nudity and obscenity... such as my dear David...

Paraphrase

At this hour, I am capable of reading through sentences. I am also capable of paraphrasing the sentences I read.

Camera

There were this reporter and camera lady who were here earlier today...

It is very interesting because it looks like what they show on TV...

Lack of motivation?

A question I have...

How do you motivate yourself when you know you are having difficulties to get yourself motivated?

Find one thing that you could do and keep doing it... I guess...

Like this note... at least I can type them words down...

Lighter

Was trying to do some reading and writing....

Yet, after I read about a line of text, I started feeling it gets all tightened at the top of my head and my forehead as well.

It feels very uncomfortable and it is difficult to move on reading more words.

Mood is more elevated now through still more on the flat side.

In addition, I could start feeling this thing that you might call motivation budding a little...

As a general, the whole body feels a bit lighter.

Back down

The energy level started to crash down about 5:00.

After five, I started to feel tired...

Not too much thought at this point... through there still the sense of flow in my thinking...

Can't tell you why...

Though... thank God... it is not as if my head is going all the way to the other side... 8-O 8-X

private blog

Was thinking...

All these little notes I have been written down for myself... should have placed them in my private blog...

On a second thought, who gives a rat's ass about what I have to say...

Ain't no difference... privat or not... 8-O lol

How

As I am plowing away with them reading and summarization...

So I thought...

How could it take so much work to get to do something so... seemly... simple?

I can't understand...

Ok shall no one else understand... since if I don't even understand, how can I ask people to understand?

At the same time...

So I think...

The ability to think is a privilege... not a right... perhaps?

Motivation

I am back to reading about laws concerning education.

I was actually capable of telling my boss about the litigation history of COPA...

Motivation level is back up and I am plowing away reading... so as to finish my analyses for school policy.

The scary thing is... I seem to be more on the high side... with the potential for overflowing thoughts and energy... 8-X

3:00 PM Update

Wow... my head is working...

Now I could start do some reading and writing...

Implications

Since now my head is moving a bit, maybe what I should do now is to figure out how to go about trying to use my head in the face of the constraints.

tight head

The head is moving now...

Affect is less flat and I could engage in conversation more or less like a person.

However, when trying to read, after a few words, it would feel like the top of my head is all tightened up and causing a sensation sort of like tension headache.

Stall

When attempting to read, it feels as if the brain tightens and causes tension when attempting to read.... or simply staring at a word document filled with words makes me feel cognitive overloaded.

Affect is flat... or more on the low side...

Make me succinct I guess..

Office for Windows

Was thinking about this incidence that took place this afternoon.

Someone came looking for "older version of office for windows."

I first got the office part...

Then, I heard Windows....

So... I reached for Windows Xp.... already forgotten the beginning part of it.... and what the guy really wants... Office.

This took place... about 10 hours ago.... when sentences... I could not yet compose...

Cognition

I just sent out an email in writing.

Almost 10 PM now and finally I could compose sentences and start to sense the thing called flow in my writing if not thinking...

Regarding analytical ability... I am not sure whether such has been granted to me yet until I go back after this posting to analyze some policy statements for public schools using the lens of law...

So many things in life... I have no control over... including accessing my cognition at my own will...

Time... something I have not and the only thing I have...

The only thing I could do now is to wait till the time comes.

In the meaning while, gonna go back to do some more work that is supposed to be due today.... while I have cognition.

At the same time, the one thing I am concerned of... in addition to many others... the possibility for the symptoms to intensify....

So I think... cognitive capacity is like water.... which could either carry a boat or sink a boat... How do you know which way it might go and what could you do about it?

Nice to feel that I am writing in sentences than putting words together in sequence...

A lesson I relearn... cherish what you have while you could.... because, once it is gone, chances are... it takes work to recover what is once lost.... if recoverable...

ideas

OMG... now I am able to read sentences and modify them.

I am very happy and... mark this... be able to feel I am feeling happy, too...

Wow...

Big progress...

Moving

Wow... now I could read and take notes... can't compose ideas quite yet still...

At least some progress...

Comprehension

Third day into 300 mg, I feel more lightened up today although still flat in general...

I tried to read this thing about Fair Use and try to summarize it... However, after sucessfully finished reading the first paragraph, the head started feeling tight and when I try to read more words, the head hurts.

"One of the rights accorded to the owner of copyright is the right to reproduce or to authorize others to reproduce the work in copies or phonorecords. This right is subject to certain limitations found in sections 107 through 118 of the copyright law (title 17, U. S. Code). One of the more important limitations is the doctrine of “fair use.” The doctrine of fair use has developed through a substantial number of court decisions over the years and has been codified in section 107 of the copyright law." Link

It feels as if the processing of the first paragraph took over all memories and the new things have trouble entering my head.

I try to release the above paragraph so that I could input new info. However, I am not sure how to do it.

Closing my eyes did not work...

Shifting my attention by looking at somewhere else also did not work...

Unless my head needs a reboot? 8-O lol 8-X

Also feels sort of like I am back to learning to read and write in English...

Neurotransmitters and words

I don't know what my neurotransmitters are doing nowadays...

I figure they are having a field day... lining up trying to cross the synapses like triathletes swimming their miles... wishing to reach the end... Unfortunately, still too many of the receptors are blocked.

So they call them.. L-dopa...

My head was sort of starting to run later in the day... but the adjustment of the meds make me feel tired...

So after my daily swinging exercise, I sat down trying to type...

I was able to type a few words if not sentences.... and I was tired...

Mama told me not to kill myself over the homework.

I said I have to finish what I have started.

I tried to get back to type...

Then, I know I have to listen to my body and I went ahead to take my daily drug.

Before I go to bed, I decided these few words to type...

Since there are nothing too much going on and this is not how I would like my life to go and this is not the reason why I stay in America, I might as well type out some sentences for the day.... for the sake of documenting for myself how I am cognitive constipated and how I eventually would come out being this grade of cognitively constipated.

As I type, so I think...

OMG... Don't how these words might sound to the others... block block block... ain't no flow... block block block...

How funny them tiny neurotransmitters my head block block block...

Half/half life

They said that the half life of Seroquel is 6 hours....

Now the head is much lighter and it feels as if I could think...

The flat affect thing is less severe...

I can even read through paragraphs like the following...

According to CIPA, schools must adopt and implement an internet safety policy to address issues such as: a) inappropriate use of the internet; b) the safety and security of minors using emails, chat rooms and other communication methods; c) hacking or other illegal activities; d) unauthorized trafficking of personal information for minors, e) measures designed to restrict minors’ access to materials that might be harmful to minors. More importantly, it is the schools’ discretion to determine what is “appropriate” for the minors.

OMG... There is hope in life... I might be able to finally restart doing some work tonight...

First day 300

Affect mostly flat...

Still feel heavy...

Head feels not as tight...

Get a headache when trying to use my head such as reading...

Listen to mama... take care of your health first... can't use your head... don't use your head...

cognitive constipation

Although the dosage of Seroquel has gone down by 50 mg since last week again, I have been finding myself to become more and more drugged out.

As of last week, my comprehension was still intact and I was still able to work on the academic kinda writing... at least the art of summarization.

These past few days, though, I am finding my head to turn slower and slower... so slow that it feels as some part of my head is not moving at all.

So, today, during the day time, I tried again to work on this homework assignment involving the analysis of school policies based on case laws.

At some point, I came to realise that... forget about writing.... even when simply reading a sentence, by the time I get to the end of a sentence, I have already forgotten the beginning...

In other words, it feels as if although my ability to attend is still intact, there is something wrong with the central executive... where information is held and processed.

I also found myself staring at sentences at times... The words were perceived as words themselves. I tried hard to "comprehend"; yet, it feels like there is concrete inside of my head... The head is tight and I simply can't mobilise it.

This is why I decided to call my shrink and requested to have the dosage go down another 50 mg.

It is not as if I am all for dosage reduction without any reservation.

I am actually afraid of dosage adjustments due to the plausible increase in psychotic symptoms.

Unfortunately, I can not lead a life like a walking zombie.

This is why... after I spoke with my shrink today, we decided to go down by another 50 mg on Seroquel.

Hopefully, soon the thoughts could start to stall less and eventually to flow.

About time for my meds... now is the time, the best, the thoughts "flow".

It is ok if you don't understand. I don't either.

So it is... the manifestation of cognitive constipation.

The drug

Was thinking to myself...

Sorry to say this but the dosage has to come down because this is not functioning.... This ain't no way to function.... 8-X

Words

It is pretty annoying that my head is running slower and slower day by day despite of the fact that we have tried to cut down the dosage of seroquel by another 50 mg.

Every day, I try and try to work on these homework which requires me to analyse school policies based on educational laws.

I am able to read.... in other words, I could comprehend.

I am capable of finding relevant laws for specific parts of the policy statements--- seems like my ability to draw references is still there..

However, I have been staring at the outline for all these days because writing is difficult... more or less like... generative thinking is turned off.... It is difficult to put things into words...

Don't know how else to explain or describe it to you... except for, even more limited, my words...

Will get back to trying one more night....

Boyfriend

Last night when I was hanging out, we saw this young couple making out at the bar...

At some point so I was told something like...

"You haven't done it for a long time, have you?"

Funny enough... that comment reminded me of the crazy night when, after my Arizona dream proposed and we went to the same bar....

Today I took mama to Flushing. Instead of taking the subway back, we took a bus to La Guadia to catch M60.

We got off at the Northwest and Delta wing....

So I told my mama with something like...

"I used to take Northwest and this was used to be where I pick up my last jackass..."

"It's been almost 4-5 years." So commented my mama.

"Ya, it's been almost 4-5 years and I don't know why I simply can't find no boy friend since." So I responded.

"It would be nice if you could find a boyfriend and go out with him-- instead of going out with me." So added mama later.

So I thought...

"It would be nice if I have a boyfriend and we all go out together like today to Flushing." (Buy one get one free I guess... 8-O lol)

Then I thought of this boyfriend thing again a bit later... and I thought about them days of turmoils when loving someone to death and waiting them to love me in return.... Unfortunately, this kind of bidding is as good as playing da slot machines....

So I thought...

Perhaps mama was right... perhaps... it is better to be loved than to love.

(And, as I am typing these sentences out... so I thought... 50 mg down... stuck with me still... cognitive constipation.... 8-O 8-X)

A wife at home

Just when I was thinking about my "no income"-- rather than "low income" yesterday, I got some free food from a function at the school...

"Perfect... since I got a wife to be fed at home--- my daddy's wife..." 8-O lol

Engine

Sitting here in front of my computer trying to get done with some homework involving the education laws...

"Great."

So I thought to myself...

"Even though now the dosage is down by 50 mg, with the 350 mg, the engine of my head still doesn't turn..."

Man... oh... man...

So I switch back to Mafia War...

350

Today is the first day for the dosage of seroquel to go down by 50 mg.... due to the fact that my affect is mostly flat, I feel pretty dissociated and, when I go to bed every night, my body would involuntarily do the run-away-horse thing....

The difference I found today is that... it feels lighter... not as heavy....

It also feel as if my brain is sort of running....

Free drink

As I was hanging out tonight, this young man behind me apparently dropped a beer... and, the beer splashed all over my back... sort of...

The immediate response I had was...

Umm.... that was funny...

It was like I just had a beer shower for the first time in my life even though I actually already took a shower before I got out...

So I thought...

Ya... I might have complained about nobody even buying me a free drink....

Ain't no free drink as such.... 8-O lol

Then I thought of how I had wished to take a year off after I am done with trying to get the green card thing...

Although I did not get the Green card, I did take a whole year off due to the disabilities... 8-O lol

So they say...

Beware what you wish for especially when your wish might be granted a bit off from the perfect scenario.... 8-O lol

At the same time, don't know what exactly is strange about it.... yet... sort of strange... my reactions to some strange situation.... 8-O lol

凡人歌

After all these times, this remains to be a classic....




你我皆凡人　生在人世間　終日奔波苦　一刻不得閒
（你）既然不是仙　難免有雜念　道義放兩旁　（把）利字擺中間
多少男子漢　一怒為紅顏　多少同林鳥　已成（了）分飛燕
人生何其短　何必苦苦戀　愛人不見了　向誰去喊冤
問你何時曾看見　這世界為了人們改變
有了夢寐以求的容顏　是否就算是擁有春天

Ya... what is the point of killing yourself over falling in love3 since... 多少同林鳥　已成（了）分飛燕... 8-O lol

Husband

Was listening to this song with my mama....



Ya... ya... ya... my youth is fading...

Dear husband, you don't need to be filthy rich as long as we make sure I don't get too 白白又胖胖..... 8-O lol

阿美阿美幾時辦嫁妝 我急得快發狂 今天今天你要老實講 我是否有希望
雖然我是個窮光人又長得不怎麼樣 但是你要想一想 看看自己的長相
阿美阿美不要再彷徨 少女的青春短 今天今天你不要倔強 快做我的新娘
雖然我沒汽車洋房 吃得粗茶又淡飯 只要你陪我作伴 包你白白又胖胖

stand by your man

Just completed the following quiz on facebook and got the following results...

Ratprincess completed the quiz "Which "Gone With The Wind" Character are you??" with the result Melanie Hamilton.
You are the touchstone, you make people see others through your eyes and one can more clearly see the struggles of the other. You attempt to understand the people, and the world around you without passing judgment. You are a caring, kind, gentle southern bell with great manners and a good heart. You care deeply for those you love and respect and honor them. You are sweet, understanding, helpful, and a little on the submissive side. You offer comfort and people are drawn to you for that reason. You are modest and shy and you tend to prefer life to be simple and traditional. When it come to love: You are a traditional, stand by your man kind of women. You love with your whole heart and your soul becomes one with his.

OK... although I had to be forced to choose a least unlikely answer for some questions...

Funny enough.... there is something pretty true to it...

I had always been standing by my men until finally I get dumped.... 8-O lol 8-X

Lost in translations

I took my mama out for dinner tonight to have some burrito and quesadilla...

Ended up, I found myself working towards the end of the night busy translating till I was lost in translations.... 8-O lol

Now I know what job I shall consider not... brain dead... thank God there is still the land of peace in Mafia War-ing... 8-O lol

Dates

So I went to the supermarket with my mama and told her that I was going to get some dates because "dates" are like "dates".

Mama was very happy about the thought that I was getting myself some dates.

So we got home and I had a date or two.

Mama looked at me and said, "Aren't you gonna have some more (dates)?"

Since I love eating in general, maybe I will marry a chef instead?

Or, I don't have problem with having a lot of money, maybe I shall marry a millionaire?

lol

Milk

Mama likes to drink me and likes me to drink milk as well...

When I went to get some milk a bit earlier, I found that the 1 gallion milk we just bought is almost all gone.

After mama woke up from her nap, I made a suggestion...

"Didn't we just get some milk two days ago? It is almost all gone. What do you think we go get a cow so that we can milk our cow everyday for fresh milk?"

"Sounds like a good idea." So replied mama.

"Except for where are we going to keep the cow? Maybe in this tiny spare space in my room?" 8-O lol

So reminded me of that husband of mine who is supposed to be a baker...

In my much younger years, I used to love eating bread and other baking goods. So I had thought...

"I think I am going to marry a baker so that I could have bread and other stuffs everyday." 8-O lol

worries

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in people's mind and what kind of concerns or worries they might be carrying with them each step at a time....

It is as if my asking myself.... what it be like shall I have none of the concerns and complaints that I have in life....

What if I were in their shoes, them passersby...

How could their concerns and complaints be defined? By volume, by intensity and by nature of the contents?

Among them, whose concerns and worries are more like real problems and how do we judge it?

In addition, how many of the concerns and worries are man-made issues? What does it mean for issues of concern to be man-made? Who is to say man-made issues are any less or more when comparing to the authenticity of them non-man-made worries?

Pause... for a minute... for them thoughts unfolding already in slow motion if not... stalling...

How bad is that... to be driving ourselves crazy with issues considered moot by at least one other person on this planet?

Overdosed?

Last night when I went to bed, and, of course after taking my daily pills, there was this need for me to tighten my muscles all around my body so as to relax them and to gain some sense of relief...

That reminded me of the run-away horse scenario.... where my fellow patient in the psychiatric ward had me told... "Tell the doctor. You are overdosed."

Then, I thought of my recent state of being... nothing going on upstairs.... as evident by the lack of postings in my blogs....

Could it be and how could it be that... I might be overdosed? 8-O lol

Alternative

So my other girlfriend said...

"If you can't find a man for too long... try the other side of the fence. Then the men will talk to you." 8-O lol

Good point, speaking of diversification.... lol

Where are dates?

This girlfriend asked me...

"Do you have a boyfriend yet?"

"Nope." So I responded...

Quite puzzled by this prolonged state of single hood since it ain't quite like I am so very ugly... Just don't get no date...

Maybe I am gonna go to the supermarket to get some dates today and to buy me some dates... at least, such would count for some dates... 8-O lol sigh... 8-X

New words

I can say this pro se that I am moot and my modus operandi is non sequitur.

Wonder whether this sentense makes sense... 8-O lol

Mental model or script

Yesterday I watched the movie Fight Club again.... at the very end, as I was getting very confused about the plausible diagnosis for the main character, I was told that...

"It is a love story!"

"Really?"

First time in my life to be thinking of Fight Club as a love story.... 8-O lol

Then, I was reading the supreme court ruling of the "VERNONIA SCHOOL DISTRICT 47J, PETITIONER v. WAYNE ACTON."

As I was reading through the document, I found myself starting to get lost in the complex information system....

At the very end, the author provided one sentence to conclude everything...

"Taking into account all the factors we have considered above--the decreased expectation of privacy, the relative unobtrusiveness of the search, and the severity of the need met by the search--we conclude Vernonia's Policy is reasonable and hence constitutional."

So I thought... why didn't you tell me this at the very beginning?

Then, I rethink both incidences...

Interesting implications of scripts or mental model....

Schooling

So my mom and I have been engaging in this conversation about education.

The conclusion?

It ain't quite really matter whether one is good at school or not. At the end of the day, all that really matters is whether one has enough (of course, gotta be able to perform the tasks required to be a modern civilian) to be holding a job and, at the age of retirement, there is pension.

Good looking guys

My mama and I were speaking of the concept of good-looking guys...

So I said, "Good looking guys might have the propensity of running off..."

So my mama added...

"Your sister was complaining about how her good-looking husband is now losing his hair big time. I told her that... everyone gets old... why don't you take a look at yourself?" 8-O lol

Permanent damages

My worker's com lawyer thought it is time for us to close the case up.... and today I was sent to see this doctor as the IME....

I got to the clinic like a nice girl and waited there quietly...

Finally, the doctor came in...

"You know we are not looking at your back or knees. We are looking at your shoulders today."

So I have been told... there are no compensations for broken back and pain...

"Do you have shoulder problems?" So I was asked.

"I don't know. The doctors would know the best." So I replied.

"Shoulders? How would I be evaluated for shoulder problems? I had thought that it would be the knees." So I might have thought to myself...

So, the doctor told me to do some simple movements...

"Rising you arms all the way up...."

Oops... I found myself incapable of doing so on the left side and on the right side... regardless whether I tried to do it from the front or from the side...

At some point, the IME doctor told me...

"You know you have permanent damages to your shoulders? This is the reason why you would not lift your arms all the way up."

"Do I?" So I asked.

"Yes, you do. Nobody ever told you?" So asked the doctor.

"Nope. Nobody ever told me." So I replied.

"And I never knew because I never had to raise my hands other than I still can not lift weight."

"So what do I do?" I asked further.

"You don't want to do operations. Just keep on trying to do exercises."

Eventually, I got out of the clinic....

I decided to keep on walking on... part of my daily exercise routine...

Although most of the times, there is nothing upstairs... some thoughts did emerge while I was strolling down Broadway....

Isn't it funny.... It was not until I experienced the hit-by-a-train kind of unconventional ear ringing did I come to realise that I have been experiencing ear ringing for all these years. It is not until I went to see the IME did I come to realise that there are permanent damages to both of my shoulders.... 8-O lol sigh

Then, this thought occurred to me...

Now it sort of make sense... why it is so difficult to lift weight... or does it?

Observing my own reaction towards the news...

I found it even more intriguing...

"Blunt affect? Or isn't it?"

Another thought emerged...

"Am I like a psychopath who hear the sound but not the music? How would I be feeling so calm facing this permanent diagnosis?" 8-O

Unless, what else could I say, they are just some additional damages that had came in with the same package?

In addition, it is not as if the naming itself could have made any differences to the conditions since the conditions are the conditions... 8-O lol sigh

Sort of like what I said to the doctor... you just live through one day at a time... keep on trying...

Then, earlier in the night, as I was rethinking about the image of people lifting weights.... or maybe even me who used to be so very self-sufficient even with the lifting of extremely heavy weight....

"Wouldn't it be so nice..."

I guess... even though I still walk around like any other ordinary people... and regardless how blunt the affect would be... wouldn't it be so nice to reverse the condition of my body to right before the accident... where, theoretically, less is, at least, found to be damaged.... 8-O sigh

At the same time, does the naming really have no impact at all?

So I got home and I told my mother the news....

Mama couldn't quite grasp the story I was telling and I assume it might have something to do with her checking the market stories online while I was doing my story telling...

So she got off the computer and, in her comment, I realised that she had no idea at all what I was talking about...

"You have no idea what I am talking about." So commented me annoyingly and with apparently a heightened sense of irritability.

As I made the observation...

So I thought, there do exist impact... da naming...

In the morning

When I was trying to fall asleep last night, I found the usual suspects reconvene again...

I laid there trying to fall asleep but can't fall asleep... while facing da hammering sound in the back ground of the right side of my head...

That sound I have no control over might have gotten me a scare because, thereafter, I found this sense of fear rising....

Could this hammering sound and da train station be alternative versions of auditory hallucinations? I don't know... Yet, they surely are distressing...

Then, that tightening of the esophagus thing came up again... Might have some thing to the merging sense of anxiety or did it?

Adding one more pillow seemed to work yet only so much... for... at some point, I was hit by da dry mouth thing again...

I got up, took a piece of dried peach, down some more of the water, resisted to pop da sleeping pill, and, went back to bed wishing the sleep will arrive eventually since I have to make it to my class today...

Although sleeping is essential in maintaining my health, especially mentally, I usually do not resort to sleeping pills unless I am tossing and turning for at least 2-3 hours in bed...

After getting up twice and some more tossing and turning with hammering in the head, esophagus spasm and extreme dry mouth on the side, I guess... I must have fell asleep since I did wake up this morning... 8-O lol sigh

Could I be overdosed again? I suspect but I am absolutely not sure since the dosage did get lowered less than 2 months ago... Yet, I do feel that I am walking around feeling much detached from the external world... which usually is an indicator for overdose....

At the same time, all these night time activities are starting to lead me to wonder... more...

Why the night time dramas of my boring life?

And, I thought of those days of Jackal and Hyde... when I was walking around looking like any ordinary person during the day but couldn't shake the habit of experiencing the delusional nightmare awake in the night....

Why in the night?

Why between awake and sleeping?

Could it be true all them psychoanalytical talks?

Could it be that part of my psychic is really being blocked so well that it could only have itself, in the night, when all control is let go, manifested?

Then I sat through the class... talking about segregation, desegregation and resegregation.... poverty and low SES....

Then I sat there hearing about the challenges involved in teaching when the learners speak no English...

And, with the scenarios presented, I saw in my mind this five-year-old being handcuffed-- taken to the precinct...

To myself I thought... I did wake up in the morning...

Hammering

Weeks ago... I lived through those days and nights with my brain running a subway station on the right hemisphere of my head.... which eventually graduated into the sound of wind...

And, thank God, it eventually ceased...

Then, last night, I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason...

Right after I woke up, I found myself listening to this hammering sound in the right side of my ear...

It was as if someone was doing some real hammering except for the sound originated from the inside.

As it seemed to be becoming more and more pronounced in the relative quietness in the evening... I thought of something I read when dealing with the subway station in my head...

Focus on some other sounds... so that you could stop focusing on da inner sounds...

I tried to focus on the sound of the fan...

Yet, the processing of inner sounds seemed to take precedence before external stimuli... some observation I have talked about gazillion times...

All of a sudden, there came this loud truck sounding kind of noise from downstairs...

It might have been the unloading of stuffs for the supermarket down there...

It used to be so very annoying because of the noise it made...

However, all of a sudden, I realised that such noise was to me... music from the heaven.. because it was so loud that it actually covered up da hammering sound inside of my right ear...

Then, all of a sudden, it felt as if something had my head reset...

And, da hammering sound on the inside disappeared...

That was... to be honest... a real scare because so I thought to myself...

Not again...

ATM

There was this class that I was supposed to take 2 years ago... then... there was the accident... which took a huge chunk of my life away.... a shake up... literally to both my mind and body...

Two years later, I finally have the chance to attend the class...

So I sat in the classroom... listening to people talk and happily taking my note...

I thought to myself... this is so nice... I am finally finishing what I was supposed to have started two years ago... when the only thing really matter was the last miles to the house in slow motion... 8-O lol sigh

At some point, this thought came up to me... I wouldn't have been able to do it two years ago... This time I am sure...

It was such a surreal feeling...

It felt as life happens in asynchronous transfer mode...

I am eventually living some part of my life that was supposed to have taken place two years earlier...

It also reminds me of what I described in my thought in process.... finally... that piece of dasein is brought in to the time line of my life...

Gratitude

I was doing some writing earlier on, which led me to this thought that came up a few nights ago and today again...

Gotta thank those exs for bringing an alternative dimension to my life...

I guess... they opened up my eyes to some experiences otherwise inaccessible... a thought that finally emerges in sort of the most chaotic state of my life... so far....

At the same time, it seems sort of ridiculous for me to be doing the bumble jumble about relationship etc... Sort of like watching criminals continue to commit crimes while the meteors are on their way down to destroy the planet.... 8-O

If you ask me why... please don't blame it on me... I am supposed to have cognitive impairment and my head has the propensity to do its own thing.... In other words, it's not me... it's my head etc... 8-O lol sigh...

Marriage

I was speaking with this girlfriend of mine the other day about marriage...

Funny enough, like my girlfriend, I never really dream about things like getting married or imagine about me in a wedding dress... up to today... 8-O lol

Yet, it is true that I have been asking to see whether some guys I know would marry me recently.... and this seems to be giving them a scare and some even seem super alertive when seeing me... based on my alternative worldview... oops... lol

So I thought...

Don't worry... me ain't gonna superimpose myself on nobody...

You don't wanna marry me then tell me you don't wanna marry me because who says that I have to marry you. Duh... 8-O lol

Alternative hypothesis: Stress vulnerability model

When reading about the following in an article I reviewed today, I thought of the strange state I am in... sane as a piece of rock... although, theoretically or based on common sense, I should be in a elevated psychotic state filled with anxiety...

8-O

Decreased behavioral pain expression and stress vulnerability model

The experience of pain results in stress. In ordinary people, the reactions to pain stimuli could be released through normal pain behavior, psychologically or physically. Patients with schizophrenia, on the other hand, can not release the invoked stress through normal reaction channel. As a result, stress might get built up and results in the worsening of psychotic conditions.

OMG... So... how can I go more psychotic to ensure I don't go even more psychotic? Sort of like how people would set up small fire where there is a big fire... I guess... 8-O

Once upon a time national anthem

No wonder this was once upon a time national anthem...

All else I have been or have been not... one thing I know is that, with the best of me... I tried... although certain things in life are just not within your control and it ain't gonna help even if you try to push hard and harder....

And, yes... regrets... I have a few... but so what else could I do about them?

Might as well making sure I make a graceful bow at the final curtain.....

My Way...

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which I'm certain.

Ive lived a life that's full.
Ive traveled each and every highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

Those who once hit on me

Last night I spoke of my shattered dream... that dropped dead gorgeous guy I dated who is not simply another guy in mid age...

Tonight to my friend I spoke...

"Wouldn't it be so scary if guys who had hit on me decades ago see me today?!" 8-O lol

Dream man

Watch "You've got mail" again tonight...

What a wonderful movie with a happy ending...

So I said to my friend...

"Isn't it so romantic?! Old people could also be romantically in love!"

Only to realise that...

Oops... I think I am at least older than Meg Ryan then... 8-O lol

Later on, I was told...

"Go out and look for your dream man..."

So I thought...

Ain't no need to be looking for a man of my dream no more...

Perhaps, there was once upon a time when I would be dreaming up how the men of my dream were.... and they all end up being someone else and wanting something else... because, duh... a dream is a dream... You hold on to your dreams too much... You get a nightmare... 8-O lol 8-X

At this point, all that I want is a sturdy man who would want something like me... so is that the current version of the man of my dream... I guess... 8-O lol sigh

Ain't no nothing any complicated...

No more them head-over-heel kinda stuff...

Been there... Done that... and guess... tired of it... if not too tired for it...

More like.. this shop doesn't want me... let me take the business somewhere else... 8-O lol

Simply a paradigm shift in my preference....

Or, unless, like what this girlfriend of my said to me...

Many times bitten, today shy...

In addition, people say I am choosy... What right have I chosen before? As evident by my still being single... 8-O lol sigh

Moreover, I guess I got enough at hand... CPU usage 200%...

Gotta say, it was nice, though, having felt I have found the men of my dreams and tried to hold on before.... (speaking of elegantly wasted...) 8-O lol 8-X

Betrayed

So I was speaking with my girlfriend about the once-cuter-than-Danzel Washington guy...

So I said...

"Among all guys, he is the one with the most perfect physique... How can he betray that perfect image?! What did you do to yourself?! Man... he was so yummy!!" 8-O lol

Then one of us brought this up...

"Don't know what people from the past would think when they see us today..." 8-O lol

Ye, chances are... the perception ain't quite distorted... Rather... over 12 years apart... we are just going through the natural process of aging.... shh... 8-O lol

And, it is as if... nice looking boys, oh, nice looking boys... if you can't stop running off, at least stay drop-dead beautiful..... 8-O lol

Insanity

Walking down the street and on my way home, this thought occurred to me...

This is absolutely insane for me to feel so sane...

The thing called immigration status is supposed to be something so very distressing given its consequences....

I am still in status and will be short out of status in a few days...

Yet, even after the decrease of Seroquel as well as the contextual influences, the amount of positive symptoms remain to be lower than before and I am finding the delusional beliefs such as people know me gradually dissolving one bit at a time...

I find myself coping with the situation in the same manner as I do my comparison shopping for groceries...

Surely, it could be that I am still so drugged that I am failing to sense and express my affects...

It could also be the manifestation of the negative symptoms...

Regardless...

So I walked down the street...

With this thought in mind...

I've been reading about psychotic in pain...

Next week... I will need to switch to learn more about things such as the disability law and education... to finish this class I haven't been able to attend the last two years due to life's circumstances... while, working to move through all that I could do with da immigration status since there ain't no nothing I could do about things with what I have no influence over...

And I kept on walking... with this thought in my mind... the insanity of sanity...

Or, am I starting to lose sight of my insanity? An alternative hypothesis.... 8-O

Their loss

I love how my friend had it put after my last jackass disappeared into the ether of limbo....

"That's his loss... He doesn't know what he is missing..."

Then I thought of those men I once-upon-a-time loved so dear to the extent that I might have loved them to death... and who dumped me so easily... ouch... 8-O lol

So, to ease da boo boo in my injured ego...

"It's their loss..."

Especially when I am such a great house-wife material...

3 dollar for all provided purchased in Upper Westside Manhattan.... 8-O lol

At the same time, I pondered... what kind of points does it entail to try so hard clinging to them relationships that never really gone anywhere and to get myself stuck with them guys who didn't really quite care too much of a bag of beans about me?

Then I came across this pop quiz on face book.... which led me to rethink what is important to me in a relationship in addition to love...

So I thought... companionship.... since I am sort of very much done with the madness associated with crazily in love given that I am already insane by default....

While searching for my Mr. Goodbar... those short in beans... their loss... 8-O lol

Distorted perceptions

So I thought of this short-term ex of mine... someone once-upon-a-time much cuter than Danzel Washington...

I remembered his name... Brian... something...

Yet, I have no picture of him...

So, I did some research for him... something I tried before to no avail...

Brian in crystalogy...

I got lucky this round and actually found him...

Clicked through da link leading me to his page... with a big smile on his face in the picture shown...

"Shxt!" So I thought to myself... "He ain't looking as cute as I have remembered..."

So they say... the state of being in love is equivalent to a chaotic state of imbalance in your neurotransmitters...

What it be like... distorted perceptions? lol

And... speaking of vanity fair... so vain as I am... no wonder I am pneumocephalic... 8-O lol

MO

I spoke of the fine lines I have been noticing on my face and my enlarged pores after seeing the beautiful and smooth skin on this girlfriend's face...

She picked up the candle to take a good look of my skin... and commented...

"Don't be so tough on yourself."

So I thought about this incidence just now...

It does sort seem to be my MO....

MJ

What I have learned so far about MJ's passing is that... remember the good and cherish the living.... and, most importantly, love for all...

Pain in psychosis

After browsing through the abstracts of over 400 articles (and, of course, only really scan through the abstracts with the key words pain and schizophrenia highlighted), I found two articles which provided reviews on pain perception in psychotic patients....

Hypoalgesia in schizophrenia is independent of antipsychotic drugs: a systematic quantitative review of experimental studies. (Potvin & Marchand, 2008)

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18160219

Pain Insensitivity in Schizophrenia: Trait or State Marker? (Singh, Giles, & Nasrallah, 2006)
http://journals.lww.com/practicalpsychiatry/pages/articleviewer.aspx?year=2006&issue=03000&article=00004&type=abstract (sorry for the long link)

The references used in these two articles would be a good starting point for whoever interested in research concerning the perception of pain in patients with psychotic symptoms.

The engine

After the dosage of seroquel went down by 100mg, for a few days, I was feeling so happy because I could sense the engine of my head to be moving... instead of getting caught in a state of my wanting to turn the engine but the engine doesn't turn...

Yet, nowadays, weeks after the dosage is adjusted, I am having this feeling again that the engine seems to go back to the state of not wanting to start up again...

So, when I met up with my shrink this morning, I asked him for his opinion concerning lowering the dosage a bit more because the engine of my head doesn't seem to be moving much again.... or.. I would like to go back to experience the head moving kind of feeling...

Since it's only been about a month since the dosage came down, I knew we have to wait and see a bit more....

At some point, the shrink asked with something like...

"Haven't you been doing all those equations earlier on in the year?"

He was speaking of the algorithms I was studying in spring when I took the course "Item Response Theory."

I thought about it and replied...

"The equations are simple because it is all logical. Sort of like 1+2=3... all that you have to do is to follow the mathematical logic... With the papers I have been reading, for instance, they are more complicated because there are so many components involved that you have to follow and comprehend."

And... let alone the complexity of tasks it involve to, first, comprehend the things writers talked about in their writing, second, reflect on the relevance of the writing, and, lastly, generating questions based on what I read...

On my way back from the visit, this additional thought occurred to me...

Perhaps it is just an excuse... no wonder that all that I took and I was capable to take was one class and only... since, at the point, my CPU usage was 100% already... Couldn't have been able to do more than one class anyway...

Then, later on in the day, I found myself in this situation.... within which I was required to attend to multiple tasks at one time...

So I stopped doing what I was doing because something else came up and another thing came up. There were only 3 tasks involved... Yet, after I switched my attention to the two new tasks, as I was trying to get back to what I was doing seconds because... I found myself staring away and asked myself, "What am I doing?"

Of course, one might say that this happens... except for, I have been observing this type of occurrences really frequently although I can't quite remember what I have been observing... 8-
O lol sigh

More specifically, it feels as if there is constant process of memory dump in the short term memory.... or the linkages to the activated schemata cease much easier....

Yet, the next question to be asked is that...

How could it be so very easy for me to draw references upon information processing theory in my monologue?

Duh... it might have something to do with the fact that my dissertation was based on cognitive theory and, after reading similar articles again and again, all these tiny little schema eventually gets encoded in my long term memory... In addition, after talking about the same thing again and again all these years, the path to such info might have become far more strengthen and makes it much easier to access these types of information....

If you don't believe it... think about it...

What else is new that I have been talking about recently other than the reporting of observations as well as the ensuing analysis based on nothing more than my naive theories? 8-O lol sigh

This, then, reminds me of what I came across this afternoon... the concept of ibuprofen induced pseudodementia.... http://www.theannals.com/cgi/content/abstract/37/1/80

Hopefully... and let all be pseudo and reversible...

Anti-inflamatory drug and psychosis

I have been researching for literature concerning pain and psychosis (e.g., schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder)... more specifically... looking to see what kind of pain measures are used for the researchers to perform the assessments....

Then, today, as I was going through the abstracts, I encountered several articles discussing anti-inflammatory-drug-induced psychosis....

1. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10468178
2. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8707453
3. http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/159/9/1606-a
   

It sort of got me all excited because what this line of research tells me is that... I am not crazy-- or, ok, I am crazy, yet it was actually sort of normal for me to become institutional grade kind of abnormal... (what kind of logic is that... 8-O lol 8-X)

Isn't life strange? How could what be so right be so wrong?

Sort of like what this old psychiatrist said to me one time after I provided him with observations concerning the increased level of psychotic symptoms...

He said, "It is positive."

I asked, "It is good?" 8-O

He explained, "Positive symptoms." 8-O lol

Psychological Causes of Schizophrenia (MacPherson, 2009)

MacPherson, M. (2009). Psychological Causes of Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia Bulletin, 35(2), 284-286.

As I try to look for articles concerning the assessment tools used to evaluate pain in patients with psychosis, I came across this article based on the first person account of a schizophrenic patient in the academic journal titled "Schizophrenia Bulletin."

In this article, the author shares with us the lessons he or she learned for the past 32 years. Through his accounts, the author provides us with a positive example about how patients actually could lead an independent and eventful life through consciously and constantly working on developing coping skills in general as well as in managing additional demands imposed by being a schizophrenic.

It was stated in this article: "In the discharge planning process, I made a conscious decision to return to work." In addition, "One needs to grow in life's experience and cognitive functioning. The help and support of a specialized vocational program…" I cannot agree more.

Ever since the onset of my psychosis about 10 years ago, my psychiatrist and I have been working on keeping me "vocationally functional" if possible. One thing people might not understand is that, the impacts of all health conditions are generally two-folded. One the one hand, you deal with the symptoms associated with the disorders; on the other hand, you also have to deal with the side effects of the treatment such as medication. Interestingly, over two years ago, I would have told you that the above is applicable to mental health condition. It was not until I became a handicapped in chronic pain did I realized that such is applicable to all health conditions.

I have been very lucky in this perspective because my employers have been very accommodating and I have always been able to return or remain at work even when I just got discharged from the psychiatric ward… sustaining high level of psychotic symptoms such as hallucination and delusions as well as having limited cognitive capacity due to both the symptoms and the side effects of the high-dose medications.

However, I do not quite agree with the author concerning the role of parents in the development or maintenance of schizophrenia. Personally, this sounds a bit too much like the classical attachment theory to me… What I believe, instead, is that the development and maintenance of our symptoms are very much dependent on our modus operandi in dealing with all relationships including those with our parents.

I also do not really agree with the statement that "Paranoia and paranoid states and reactions are simply child-like sates similar to a child's temper tantrum." While it is true that some parts of our delusions and hallucinations might have a more childish presence, others do take on a more adult presence. At the same time, some part of the interactions in our delusional worlds might simulate the characteristics of adult-child relationship. However, I don't feel that "a child's temper tantrum could sufficiently explain all symptoms.

I do agree with the notion that "delusions are also based in fear and paranoia and represent a false belief but have a basis in reality." I would also add "guilt" as well. Such opinion is based on my personal experiences. Coincidentally, I have come to this conclusion myself earlier this year or late last year after realizing the "horror" components of my visions, hallucinations and delusions. I have been since pondering about where to start from to resolve issues in me which might have contributed to the manifestation of my psychotic symptoms. Unfortunately, I have yet to find out how to go about doing it.

One thing I cannot stress enough is that… the psychotic symptoms we experience are or could be idiosyncratic to us. For instance, my immigration status to remain in the United States has been an issue for me for a long time, and, the immigration status has also been a major theme in my psychotic symptom. Apparently, such might not be one of the themes for those who are American or who are not aliens wishing to stay in the US.

Most importantly, I am only a fledgling psychotic in that I have only spent about 10 years of experiences dealing with psychotic symptoms etc. There is a high possibility that, as the time goes on and as the learning progress, I might eventually come to fully appreciate what the author tries to convey.

In addition, I am mostly appreciative to both the author and the editors of the journal Schizophrenia Bulletin in the efforts they put forth to publish a case study base the personal account of a Schizophrenic patient. So has it been one of my most deep-seated bias… at point, patients might have something to offer…. at least for the fellow patients...

This writing is cross-posted in my Disability in Ratology blog.

Beauty and Youth

So it was last night when I thought this dude was being pretty nasty towards this woman... whom I assume was his girlfriend...

At some point, as I looked at this lady, it looked as if she was in tears...

So I thought and said...

She should never let any man treat her like that...

She should not allow any man to treat her like that...

Than, I came to the realisation...

What I saw in her was a younger version of me...

So they say... youth is beauty except for, all too often, it is so very elegantly wasted I guess...

In my much younger and more vulnerable years... I had spent all those nights and days aching, waiting, and, mourning over those men of my dreams or nightmares... So I have had those portion of my beautiful youth elegantly wasted...

Then, when encountering that young and beautiful lady... silently taking what she was not supposed to take... in my version of her reality....

I thought to myself...

So shall I remember... refrain from wasting away my youth this way again.... for any version of the me lived will always be the younger version of myself at any given point...

Madness

When I take my daily walk, sometimes, I would drop by Barnes and Noble... These past few weeks, I discovered some books written by authors who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and personality disorder.

One of the book I have been browsing through is titled "Madness by the writer Marya Hornbacher. http://www.tower.com/books/preview/isbn/0618754458

One thought I have so far is that... OMG... tough life she has led so far...

And, at some point, when she was speaking of how she thought people knew that she was broken...

Ya... regardless the condition, the fear or the amount of courage it might entail to face our intrinsic brokenness...

Proposal-ing

Recently, I have been trying really hard to come up with a project concerning the assessment of pain...

At the beginning, I wanted to do a review on the relevant literature...

Then, at certain point, I came to the realisation that... thank God, there are pain experts out there and I will let them be the ones to voice their expert opinion because... it will be another dissertation for me shall I wanna do a complete literature review provided I need to learn enough so as to narrow the topic down... 8-O lol

So... instead, I decide to work on a proposal focusing on looking into how the experts in the field have come up with the idea that patients with psychotic symptoms are less sensitive to pain and have higher threshold for pain...

Although the proposal is still in the most drafty form and, shall I be the evaluator, I would assign the "a piece of crxp" kind of grade, I think the basic ideas are there... although the bad English could be better corrected and more literature could be added...

Perhaps, one day, I will be able to share with you what I have done...

Today, in its raw state, it just has to be kept in the file drawer for a bit longer until I have something more meaty to add...

However, the good thing about having a deadline is that... otherwise, I could still be keeping on-- reading on... Sort of like what I did when I was trying to come up with a research proposal for my dissertation... It took this good friend of mine to tell me to... "stop reading; start writing"... for me to start doing the writing process...

So, shall you ask me what I have been up to this past week and more...

I have been doing proposal-ing... 8-O lol 8-X sigh