It's been an interesting day...
The day started ordinary.... I could walk and actually could do some work...
In the afternoon, I took off early for my
IME meeting...
The doctor examined my knees to check for injuries...
When he was asking me all those questions, I had no idea what to say... During the trip to the IME, somehow, my cognition decided to shut down.... leaving nothing running in my head at the point.
However, after he did all the bending and poking around and after the meeting ended, my knees started to hurt and became locked... and I could barely walk out of the clinic...
I should have gone back to him. Yet, I did not...
So I limped out of the premises and walked down the street like a big bad bug again...
Things did get a bit better after I throw everything down on the floor and started to do my swinging exercises for an hour or two.
Strangely, I was able to walk better.
After I got home, I had to take my mom out to meet up with some old friends for dinner...
The trip was exhausting because of all the stairs I have to traverse up and down the subway stations. I could barely do 2-3 steps a time be it going up or down the stairs.
When we finally met up with my friends, I was a piece of complete wreck.... moving slowly with da funny walking....
Later into the night, as we were slowly moving towards Times Square, the wife, who is like a big sister to me, carefully tried to engage in a conversation that must have been difficult for her to start....
It started with something like... "Your parents must have expectations for you."
I laughed and said, "Expectations?! All that I want know is to just have a job that pays the rent, allows me to go on vacation and affords me a good enough life after retirement. My mom agrees with that, too."
I don't quite remember how exactly the entire conversation went.
One thing I remember is the efforts she made in spitting out the following...
"If I have guidance earlier in my life, I wouldn't have done many things different. Don't be too stubborn and plan for the long term."
So I thought to myself... Isn't it amazing that, although we haven't hang out for a while, they still are so very concerned of me and would even try to make an effort as such?
So I have replied...
"Like what I said before, all that I want is to have a job and settled down. After all these years and especially after the past two years and more, I have come to realise that there is nothing more important than health. In my even younger years, I want to be the guru and the expert of everything. Always fighting to achieve more and more... and wanting to be 'someone'. Then, there came the fall. A stupid fall. A fall that shattered the entire 'existence' of mine.... leaving me still trying to recollect them broken pieces including my lost soul." 8-O lol sigh
Of course, our conversation did not constitute only my monologue.
She shared with me many more things including how she realised today that there is something more than the dreams and expectations that we could not accomplish.
My response was, "I just want to be happy. What I have learned so far is that... my head does its own thing and my body does its own thing... At some point, you start to wonder... what exactly is there left as me and what is me."
In addition, my realisation that, given my talent to attract all them strange scenarios in life, the only way to keep me in a good condition is to ensure I got get myself to stress out. Or, histories are likely to repeat themselves and I would be speeding up them inconvenient inevitable.
It was funny... the thought of one country, two governments, with me being the governee... Both of us laughed.
Yet, something tells me that all the words might be abstract. That was when I decided to volunteer some supporting materials.
And, for the first time, perhaps, in my life, many of the things I have documented in this blog became verbalised.
I spoke of the past... many of the things I have lived through in the past few years...
Starting from the breaking down of my mental health to the inclusion of the physical problems into my profile til all the other blah blah blah.
At some point, I also brought up them thoughtless days and nights when all that I yarn for is to catch that small window where I could peep to see how thoughts could flow.
It was much more later into the night and into our conversation when she, all of a sudden, said to me, "I didn't understand what you mean earlier. Now I understand."
I did not ask further which part of my verbal diarrhea it was then....
Yet, before pondering further, I realised that would have been an inconsequential question anyway.... Perhaps, it's only about how all these scenarios could help us making sense of thoughts and ideas so many other people have so much more elegantly put into words before.
Nothing I have written so far is new. Just old wine in new bottle...
It is a crappy day and it is a bad time.
So spoke the jargon... the perfect storm.
Don't we all start developing permanent damages or conditions as we age....
Perhaps, life is but taking pity on me... leveling me out if not up sooner then I would like to be...
Perhaps, after all the pain and suffering and blah blah blah.... one thing I gain is that...
How da life to lead... now I have an alternative choice-- an option to live for simple happiness.
Be it the "right" choice or not....
I could try so much... Other could try for me so far... Still others could ponder whether they would try or not...
I might make the wrong choice and have to take risks.
However, the choice is mine and I am willing, I think, to take risks to be happy.
In any case, life has a habit of doing the thing called "unfolding"... at the expense of time...
And, perhaps, so I thought, this is the reason why I someone got back to the United States after the visa got denied last year....
I have pondered many a time why God or else has let me back....
Perhaps.... so that I could, in this strange time, in my strange way, sort of... how do you put it... grow or heal? 8-O (Think about this... where else can better foster someone like me to grow and recovery in this strange way other than in New York City? 8-O lol sigh)
And, I think God does look down and check on me at times and thinks.... well... rodents survive and she seems to be still kicking.... 8-O lol
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