Through out the day yesterday, there seems to be more occurrences of thoughts...
This morning, as I was taking a small walk before coming to work, it feels as if there are more 雜念 or random thoughts if not hallucinations floating around. I, yet, still have the ability to switch off listening to or decoding these signals into hallucinations most of the time.
Usually, when I started walking, within seconds, it would start to feel as if my whole body quiets down from the top of my head down immediately, all things slow down and thoughts dwindles even more although there ain't not much in my ordinary days nowadays anyways.
I am not quite sure whether this might be what you call as meditation since I still don't understand what it feels like to meditate although it has been suggested by a guy who started talking me after seeing the movements of mine while walking one day.
I have observed myself getting into this kind of states when engaging in two other kinds of activities: when I do my swinging exercise and when I play Mafia War... 8-O lol oops...
Sometimes I ponder, in addition to my getting too drugged out my Seroquel, this kind of state of have something to do with the act involving concentration.
However, today, it seems to have taken a much longer time for me to become 進入狀況 or of getting into the state. It took about 30 blocks of walking distance for me to start feeling it.
Another interesting observation I find today is-- I have affects (Is this even the correct way of putting this word in sentence?)
My head actually allows me to stay in a more relaxing state.
Used to be, affects are luxury items and it takes much work if not processing power to have or show affects. The processing of affects and cognition seem to compete with the same resources. It is as if, when the resources are scarce, one part has to be sacrificed in order for the other processing to work.
To be honest, most of the times and especially during the day time, it would feel as if my head would go into this energy conservation mode within which the processing of affect would be switched off. Sometimes it might decide to reactivate this process. When it does, it usually occurs when it involves people I personally know... At times, it feels as if, when people I know, there seem to be a lower barrier involving the switch-on of my affect.
Interestingly, it was last Friday when my coworker told me that someone complained about plausibly my bitchiness, which I suspect might have something to do with the poker face of mine in a state of affect-less.
So the following verbal diarrhea flew out of my mouth--- something like...
"You normal people don't know what it means to have not enough brain power to work with. You don't know what it means to have lack of affect and you complain about my not having a smiley face when trying to dedicate my head power into the cognitive channel so as to help you. It is like... 'we don't have bread' and 'why don't you eat cake?' That is discrimination."
Today, after my being all emotional from my mama's departure and after my head was running wild the whole day yesterday, interestingly, the collateral gain... shall it be legit to call it a gain... is the ability for me to feel affects. It is as if my entire being became less heavy... lighter... perhaps...
Guess this is the reason why I always say... them strange people including myself at times... it is a blessing to be able to smile and why are them squandering away their precious right to smile with a ship-high-in-transit face... 8-O lol oops...
I should mention it though that, strangely, when I am focused, such as when listening to people and, perhaps, when there is an expectation that I need to access information in my long term memory to perform tasks, the processing power seems to become even more constrained. This leads me to wonder whether some part of the processing power is reserved automatically for the anticipated tasks.
Something else I have observed these past few months...
When engaging in chit-chatting kind of conversation, it is much easier to show affects and communicate with people at the same time provided usually it is later in the day when the effects of Seroquel start to wear off.
This leads me to ponder whether the observed differences are simply due to the processing power that might have been reserved for the anticipated tasks mentioned above or whether there are simply different processes involved.
In addition, it seems like things just comes out from my mouth... literally verbal diarrhea... This leads me to wonder whether the censoring of our speech also requires dedicated resources. As a result of the conservation principle, the censoring mechanism somehow was turned off as well to conserve energy.
Another observation to be shared is my speech pattern or the form... it is brief, nothing decorative and sometimes contains only keywords. For instance, when I want people to come with me, I find myself say "Come." When asking people to sit, I say "Sit."
Somehow I think that it is not as if I intend to speak not in full sentences or with elegance, it is just want I am afforded with. It is also like there is nothing more in the head and all you have are the simple words like... come... sit... which are essentual to carry on the required tasks.
Another thing I am not quite sure whether is relevant to what I have mentioned so far is comprehension. For instance, when people asks questions when I am at work, sometimes they would go on and on talking about many things and I would have this experience of cognitive overload because too much information is entering the system and it does not leave much space to do anything. Guess it is sort of like running short of both memory and CPU power.
I don't know whether any of these make sense at all.
Just some key observations I make about myself these past few months when head power is low.
By the way, it took me the whole day to compile these sentences. Energy wasted or not. God knows.
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