Run away them run-aways

Today is the 4th day since my head started operation a Ratology train station inside of itself... the run-away trains still comes and goes... However, when comparing to what it feels like on Friday, the experiences are more bearable....

On Friday, I actually had to take off from work in search of a way to get rid of them scary trains running through the right hemisphere of my brain...

Every time the train goes by, I had to stop doing whatever I was doing for.. in addition to hearing the 轟轟轟 kind of sounds fading in and out, it also feels as if the right side of the brain would become tightened and somehow vibrates along with the sound as well...

When it is very loud, I actually had to use my hand to attempt to block sounds perceived by the right ear... Well, although the sounds coming from the inside is unblockable... at least I could sort of block out the sounds coming from the outside so as to reduce the amount of sensory stimuli the right ear has to be process... I guess...

These two days, the sounds have become more bearable...

Is it because the loudness has gone down or is it because I am learning to deal with it? I have no idea... since there is no reliable measure for it....

Yet, one thing I could tell you is that... in general, I am finding myself to be in a better state than before now that the tinnitus seems to be more bearable....

Today, I am finding myself very much coming out of that depressive state of mind.... and, while being able to acknowledge the issues I have in life, I am able to see things from a more realistic and positive perspective...I am no longer entrapped by a catastrophic worldview within which anything Mickey mouse grade could turn into catastrophes.

I am finding the sense of motivation emerging again... Something I have been trying to reclaim for the past months or two....Let it be an excuse... Yet, after being good in reducing my daily cigarette consumption to 4 a day, I have fallen out of the wagon and got back to my smokes after falling victim to that amotivated state of being...

So, it was Friday when the right hemisphere of my brain was constantly run over by them run-away train....On that day, both my doctors suggested me to go back up 100 mg to 500 mg again on Seroquel...

I politely refused and requested my doctor to give me a bit more time to see whether the impacts of the vertigo and run-away trains would eventually become lessen if not cease.

So I told my shrink...

It took me all these time to eventually come out of the crying for no reason grade of depression as well as to see my brain working a bit better than how it has been throughout all these times as evident by my ability to process texts....Since I have not observed increase in the level of delusions and hallucinations, I would like to stay with the current dosage and wait and see whether vertigo and tinnitus would eventually fade...

Then, this lady in a discussion board shared with me about the fact that she also experiences increase in tinnitus in the form buzzing or a very high pitched pressured ringing every time she has to go through the adjustment of meds such as Seroquel, Zyprexa... and... they would eventually become less annoying if not going away...

That gives me a sense of hope… for… perhaps… eventually the train station in my head would go somewhere else…

At least, thank God, there is no honking involved...



張秀卿 - 車站

火車已經到車站，
阮的心頭漸漸重；
看人歡喜來接親人
阮是傷心來相送。
無情的喇叭聲音聲聲彈，
月台邊依依難捨心所愛的人
火車已經過車站，
阮的目眶已經紅；
車窗內心愛的人，
只有期待夜夜夢！