At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we observe whether psychotic and neurotic people could amount to something. Then came the spinal disc herniation and impingement, bringing forth the stage of physical disability. Could someone like me go anywhere or amount to anything is the question. After the official ending of the second psychotic episode lasted for five years, I am ready to move on to the next phase of Ratology- as the solutions unfold.
In reality, I already called my dad and mom in Taiwan wishing them the best for the New Year...
So, I walked around today having the strange feeling that this is already the day after... the New Year's Day...
Then, as I walked back to Broadway after this rehearsal of a concert that is supposed to take place tonight, which hasn't started yet, I found myself all frozen.... and having the feeling that something no good is about to come down.... and... time to go home to fix something to kick this bug....
So I am now at home... watching them replayed episode of Seinfeld after speaking with some home-bound friends on the phone.... thinking...
Maybe, once for a change... I am just going spend this New Year's Eve, TV watching at home.... though not quite sure how long this thought is to hold.... especially when there doesn't seem to be any good show on TV.... 8-O lol
Got no idea why.... yet... this had happened before and happened again...
Somewhere during my swinging activities.... I started humming.... although, like how the body moves itself... I have no idea why I started to hum.... 8-O lol
I had wanted to finish writing up this report based on the cluster and MDS analyses I ran the past few days...
Then, my head got me side-tracked... or, perhaps, I am destined to get side-tracked from looking at the data as data and analyses as analyses... with the sole purpose of my efforts on finding a way to show them wrong... 8-O oops..
So...
After I made my last posting, I thought of how drained I was after the afternoon's work....
I also recall how miserable I was starting to feel about the approaching New Year....
In my mind, another year in limbo... accomplishing nothing...
"What a depressing time while one, in theory, is supposed to be happy and festive...."
So was the mindset of mine...
Then, I took a seat on the bench outside of the deli next to the people that I have come to know during my days of disability...
Still all grumpy...
Then, they reminded me how far I have come so far.... how I was an old lady with a cane... struggling to move one step at a time... and... struggling some more to move some more steps again...
"I would not have imagine myself to be getting out of that state..."
I must have responded with something like it...
That was a state when there didn't seem to be any chance to see light at the end of the tunnel... or... when I wasn't even quite sure whether I was in the tunnel yet... 8-O lol sigh
I was getting more and more psychotic each everyday, haunted by the possibility that all pains and disability I experienced was but the manifestations of psychosomatization while simply failing to see improvements in my stop and slow kinda tempo in my mobility...
Worse of all, after the winter arrived when the temperature dropped, like nowadays, the condition deteriorated to my moving 2-3 steps a time even when I attempted to cross Broadway...
I suppose they are right...
Although I have not moved to far, I have gone farther than I could have imaged in some strange way... and, again, I wouldn't have imagined my level of mobility today back only, say, 5 or 6 months ago...
Then, the gentleman reminded me again... about how it was the best thing I could have ever done to bring my sorry body, if not mind, out to the world outside everyday all along.... Ya, rather than keeping myself in my little room-- drowning myself in my self-pity and depressive thoughts...
So... we sat there on the bench conversing about the past, the present and the future.... till...
All of a sudden, I came to the realization that I am recharged with happy energy.... through loving intentions...
And, Happy New Year is a passage from me to all... for, however little I have amounted to this year to pass... I am seeing myself blessed in all different ways I could not have imaged before...
Surely, at times, I can't wonder whether there is a reason for anything at all... still... I prefer to think that things happen for a reason when I have a choice... and I now know that there is always a choice...
I guess that, the closer it gets to the new year, the more antsy and blue I get...
So, I spent the majority of time today trying to work on this dataset about disability and functionality... A project I started working on after I returned to New York in August and got put off by my brain as a result of the deterioration in that mental state of mine.
So, I spent the remaining amount of this year that is soon to past trying to get my head and body together... one day at a time... or... one night at a time, more appropriately...
Then, three days ago, I woke up with my mind setting on nothing more than this set of data I found online...
This dataset would not have captured my attention shall I had not fallen victim to the weak G.... an incident that took a huge chunk of the prime time in my life away, which, up to this day, leaves me wonder whether there have been people whose only response was how bad it might have looked as I fell freely to the ground after the chair collapsed in front of the whole crowd.... be it a delusional thought or not...
Unfortunately, such sentiment of losing face has not been and has never been my concern... for, I had my own big fish to fry... pain and diminished functionality was more or less the issue I have to deal with.
In any case, I woke up in the morning... into another day closer to the beginning of the new year... into another day to be wasted away...
And, I woke up to go back to finish analyzing this gigantic dataset... about the once foreign concept of functionality and disability....
So, people were asked whether they had problems in... eating, getting in/out of bed, getting around inside, dressing, bathing, getting to the bathroom or using toilet, doing heavy house work, doing light house work, doing laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, getting about outside, traveling, managing money, taking medicine, and, telephoning...
With 16 indicators they had functionality and disability defined... with 1 representing disabled and 0 representing healthy...
Then, the longer I stared into the dataset or the analyses I conducted, the more the forgotten past started to flash by....
And, I realize... no longer do I need to create a third space on such simple indicators deeply to empathize... for that space is inside...
I did not really have it easy... though I know I did not get it all that bad....
At least, one thing I know is that... my condition has been on its track towards recovery... except for when the temperature drops below the 30s... my conversion-disorder grade of slow and stop would still find its way back to me... (which makes me wonder... why isn't that a good man rather... 8-O lol)
Then...
I thought of people responded with 1 to all of the 16 items... and all that I could think of is that... it must be tough and I wish them all the best...
I also thought of people with 0 as their default response... and I wish them keep it that way...
For those responded to the 16 items with different combinations of 0s and 1s... like me and many people I have conversed with, and, when recalling our conditions at different points in time, good luck, kept your spirits up and wish you the best in finding the best way to deal with and better your conditions....
So...
I recall what I have been hearing all this time...
"Take it outside of yourself..."
So... to myself I thought... let it be my new year's wish... for us with them 1s turning them 1s back to 0s...
If you have not noticed, my brain works in really strange way... with the majority of time I have no control over it...
So, for about 3 if not 4 weeks, I went into this crafting if not arty mode... something I had intended to do while I was going out of work due to my nerve pains and the inability to move to much...
It started from my building little paper houses... something I have never really done in my life so far.. It suddenly came to a stop after I came up with the thought in process...
Then, the holiday came, all that I wanted to do everyday was making cards for holidays... with each card taking me a long long time using the jelly pens to create the 3 d texture with some of them involving my drawings... something else I have never really done in my life...
In addition, I also made small boxes or baskets for gifting purposes.... something else I haven't done in my life before...
The dedicating my whole life doing card making stage all of a sudden came to a stop... with the first 2 cards I made using a rubber stamp... with the following the first object I made with a rubber stamp... a project that took over an hour to complete...
Then, all of a sudden, as I woke up the morning after, my head dived into data analysis on a dataset relating to the topic of disability.... this lead to the creation of some tree looking kind of craft... 8-O lol
A the same time, I do continue to make cards while doing this thing called TV watching... switching to making cards primarily involving the use of glue and stickers... instant noodle grade of card making which could be done within seconds without having to pay much attention.
I thought of this pickup line used by this guy, who was absolutely toasted, at the bar the other night...
When he came approaching me, he said something like...
"I am brilliant and I think you are ignorant."
And, he kept on repeating the thesis on his brilliance and my ignorance...
Never have I had anyone approaching me with a line so very out of the line... 8-O lol
Out of curiosity, I started engaging in conversations with him... until I finally had my share of ignorance exposed.... and I told him off... oops...
Then, as I was going through the things in my drawer, I found this picture I took with this once-upon-a-time man of my dream whom I would do dishes and laundry as well as cooking for. (ya... that was big in my early 20s).
If it were today, would I have fell for him? I am not even quite sure...
Why did I fall so hard and so freely for him? Similarly, I am not quite sure as well...
Then, I thought of da pickup line of my Mr. House Chore...
"I wish I could book you everyday on my calendar..."
Cheesy or not....
That line, for me, works better and it absolutely did work... 8-O lol
I never really watched sex and the city since my basic cable provides me with such channel not.
Then, the other night, I got to watch one of the episodes...
So, someone tried to match up Miranda with another woman... while Miranda was simply a single woman in search of THE MAN. When she saw that it was a woman her coworker was trying to match her up with, she realized that... people thought she was gay while she was only single...
I was going to send all my exs an ecard... no need for bad feelings no more...
Then... the process got stalled...
Brian... there was this cute guy called Brian who was much cuter than Denzel Washington... (OK... call me Ms. Vain... yet, it doesn't seem to make any difference whether the guys are cute or not cut... they all end up being exs... words of wisdom granted to me by a friend years older than me when I was many many years younger... 8-O lol)
Then, I found myself in the scenario depicted in Friends.... when Rachel realized that she didn't even know the family name of the guy she had a fling with...
So I thought.... Brian what? OMG... I don't even know his last name or did I simply forget? 8-O lol 8-X
As I was going though my files.... I encountered this writing dated back to 1998...
How shall I put it in words... the man is gone but the dasein remains....
Sort of like the dasein brings forth by this song... last Christmas
Waking up in the morning, I saw the weather had changed. I was wondering how cold it would be this year. Would it be colder or milder? I cannot choose nor do I have the power to decide the weather condition. The only thing I could do is to decide my own attitude towards the conditions. I am no pan-determinist but I apprehend that the truth that human being is not omnipotent.
Likewise, falling in love was just a state of mind. It made me anxious and somehow spoiled my life. Should I have stayed cool and calm, no extreme disturbance would have occurred and so much more work could have been done. Flirtation does no harm inasmuch the heart does not become involved. However, I betrayed my best interest and fell into a chaotic phase.
If I wanted to protect myself from being hurt by the same old scenario, I should have held back my affection, blockaded my emotions, and kept you away from my sight. Yet, I refrained from withdrawing. I refused to regress to the infantile stage of "out-of-sight-out-of-mind". I saw that, in the distant future, our fates would converge: not referring to our together-here-after-happy-life, but rather the inescapable end of our life journey. I could not bear seeing myself regretting when it is too late, the words I could have said and the things I could have done.
Some said that my thoughts are morbid and a smile is the response. For I always know that, if life is mortal and nothing lasts forever (not even diamond), I had better strive to live my life for significance. This belief gives me the strength to hold on. Out of the question, you or anyone else could not comprehend what could have and still sustain my faith in love, because neither could I. A friend of mine once questioned me, "How is it possible for you to be in love this way?" There is no easy answer. The only thing I can say, is......
Value does not push men to do a deed; it can only pull one to towards an action.
I have to be the one in charge of my fate, at least partially. Since the day that I realized the insufficiency of my being, I made up my mind to be what I want to be with all my might, disregarding the inevitable agony and distress. I want to be with you and it will always be the statement of my life. It reveals my cathexis in you, regardless my realization in the ultimate destiny, not death but aloneness. I know for sure that, before death, we can never avoid being alone. We will be sitting under the sunset, precipitating our demise. We might be surrounded by people, but still deemed to be alone, just like those in a nursing home.
You always asked me why I volunteered in places like the hospital where bereavement and suffering takes place. The scene might not be pleasurable yet insightful. There, I saw how ephemeral life could be and I learned how precious our infinitesimal life is. Such experiences might have reinforced my fixation in you. Thus, I promised myself that I would always cherish the time with you.
You know something? I am the one who is responsible for the inconsolable situation in which I am trapped. I did not withhold my feelings and just let it flow. I have to take my share of responsibility for the free-running emotion of mine. As a human being, I have the freedom to choose. The price I paid for this freedom is the obligation to commit myself to this engagement. Therefore, when I said to you that "I will be waiting for you", it was also a commitment to myself. I did not and still do not regret it, and, I surely will not. As long as I give myself this try, whatever the cost may be, I am making effort to authenticate my life. I would not be beshamed to confront myself and will not regret in the future having nothing done.
However, in bearing the responsibility, I am also making effort to prevent myself from being vulnerable. When I am responsible, I have the control to make the next movement rather than waiting for the stars to fall. It helps me be stronger. Thus, my days would not be like hell.
I am not like a tyrant. You have your own existence and you make your own choice. I could not force you to accept my affections as they are. I had set no ultimate goal for my trials since no one has power over his own destiny. I am no pan-determinist; however, I believe in fate. I had managed, and, will continue to push my fate some more, although I still do not know where it will go.
Last Christmas Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day you gave it away This year To save me from tears I'll give it to someone special
Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day you gave it away This year To save me from tears I'll give it to someone special
Once bitten and twice shy I keep my distance But you still catch my eye Tell me baby Do you recognize me? Well it's been a year It doesn't surprise me "Merry Christmas" I wrapped it up and sent it With a note saying "I love you" I meant it Now I know what a fool I've been But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again
Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day you gave it away This year To save me from tears I'll give it to someone special
Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day you gave it away This year To save me from tears I'll give it to someone special
ooooo oh oh baby
A crowded room Friends with tired eyes I'm hiding from you And your soul of ice My god I thought you were Someone to rely on Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart A man under cover but you tore me apart oh oh Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again
Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day you gave it away This year To save me from tears I'll give it to someone special
Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day you gave it away This year To save me from tears I'll give it to someone special
SPECIALLLLLL
A face on a lover with a fire in his heart ( Gave you my heart) A man under cover but you tore me apart Maybe, Next year I'll give it to someone I'll give it to someone special. special.
So, after my mumble jumble, I took the card I made for this friend of mine because she is leaving town for the holiday...
Amazingly, while, after exercise, I was able to move around indoors like any ordinary people, as I walked into the cold, I found myself starting to walk like a big bad bug... limping, stopping, and feet dragging....
When my friend saw me at her door, she was very surprised by how badly I move... 8-O lol
The trip home was no easier then my trip out.... or... even worse...
So...
Forget about da billing game...
Forget about all the bs about the end and the beginning...
Forget about da getting married thing...
Forget about all else not mentioned....
As I inched along the sidewalk and crossing the street, trying to move myself back home...
All things ceased to matter except for... regardless how it might look.... the each and every step I was capable of making... in my mind... that there was and is....
Big bad bug again... ummmmmmmm.... sort of, I guess, funny.... 8-O lol sigh
Sometime last night.... this feeling came up to me....
I will get married this year and will have a girl...
That made me feel really happy even though I haven't had a date for... God knows... say... 3, 4 or 5 years... and have no idea to whom I am going to get married 8-O lol
That funny head of mine... seems to be missing in my imaginary world some useful component called "a man" for the thing called marriage while usually it starts from finding oneself a boy friend... 8-O lol
I think it was around May last year that my computer died...
I had upgraded and upgraded this desktop of mine so many a time... from hard drive to video card to memory...
When the power supply gave up, this desktop of mine just won't wake up again... however hard I tried... forget about slow... it simply remained in a state of "stop"... (which I am finding myself to do fairly frequent nowadays as the temperature drops to below 30... 8-O lol)
So, I took the second hard drive out for this friend of mine to check and see whether the hard drives were fried.
The good news I heard then was that... the hard drive was still alive...
It was a time when I was still running around working 24/7.... and, I never had the chance to go over to my friend's office to back up the data on da hard drive...
Then, around the middle of June, I became the victim of the weak G... and entered into the arbeitslos era...
No longer was I working 24/7... yet, too far for me to reach... them data on da hard drive...
After I was locked out from the US and after I finally returned, my friend has left for a different job.... leaving me wondering around... looking for da hard drive among all other hard drives in one of the desktops in her old office...
That hard drive of mine was once-upon-a-time state of the art technology.... that's all that I recall.... its size, its maker and what's on it... already forgotten...
The only thing I knew for sure was... it is my hard drive...
Finally, today, I caught this new coworker who took over my friend's job... He had brought in a kit to help us read the data on the drives...
So, he chose one of the hard drive from one of the computer... He plugged the cable in and powered the hard drive on...
When the drive finally appeared on the machine, we went into the drive and found a folder with my name on it...
Alas! After over a year and half, and, at the first trial, I finally reclaimed the core of my past.... (8-O lol) so I thought...
Call me crazy if you want to and I authorize you to do so...
Yet, looking back... it felt as if that the sudden death of my desktop was the prelude of a beginning to an end and an end to another beginning....
It is as if it was the pre-quake before a major earthquake except for I did not see the sign...
It is as if, just when I thought a part of my past was dead, long gone and irreclaimable, I found out that, in reality, today, the memory remains, the memory finally became accessible, and, after all these time, I have finally found and I am ready to pick up what I had left behind....
Seeing it from the perspective of tag language, it is as if the death of the desktop opened the tag for all things happened in between while the retrieval of the data from da hard drive closes the tag...
And... so I thought...
Here comes the turning points... when orders restore where old projects can finally be completed-- paving a path for new projects to unfold...
Got this letter from my insurance company stating that they have denied the payment for my hospitalization in February this year.... (ya, when I was locked up in the cuckoo cuckoo's nest...)
This bill of a bit over 10 grants is actually much cheaper than my previous bill for the St. Luke's visit...
So I stared at the bill...
Same reaction I got when the insurance company sent me a bill over 30 grant the previous time and when they stated that they have denied the payment... 8-O 8-X
At that point, my whole family was all worried because no one has that money to spare.... A conclusion made by my sisters, my mom and I was that.... run run run away from the US since I was about to go out of status anyway.... (God, have I just sinned... 8-O lol 8-X)
So, I, again, sat along in my room, stating at a bill that seems to be with a much smaller amount.... when comparing to 30 grant plus... and, I thought...
May is coming soon... if no nothing happens.... I don't even have to run... I would be shipped back to Taiwan.... 8-O lol
Looking at the bright side.... all of a sudden, I find myself worth of over 10 grant more.... 8-O lol 8-X
So, just as I was starting to do them remembering the time past kinda thing... speaking of the remembrance of the time past... in pain and in spasm...
Oops... the winter storm arrived and the temperature dropped to below 30....
On my way back from work, I found my body started to tighten up.... and, as a result, legs can't move as well as they have been...
So I sort of struggled to get home, did my hour-long exercise before eventually getting out to the cold again-- on a mission--- on my way to a friend's party....
A trip that ordinarily should take less than 10 minutes turned into a half-hour long journey...
As I was approaching my friend's place, I found myself slowing down further and further more... till eventually, I needed to start doing that stopping thing to let the pain go and let the body reset...
By the time I arrived at my friend's place, I was back to dragging my feet, sort of limping-- at the pace of slow and stop... 8-O
The trip home got cut short by the taxi ride.... yet, in addition to slow and stop, I am sitting here feeling the pains starting growing.... while thinking to myself....
How on earth could the weather affect me this way just when yours Ms. Weather Station thought that--- the past tense is most appropriate--- when speaking of pains and immobility? 8-O lol sigh
On my way back home, I felt engulfed in happiness.... for no reason at all....
This is a strange state of being that could be easily classified as mood-related symptoms such as elevated mood state or euphoric... my feeling of being simply happy.... sort of like this kind of happy... and... God-knows-why kind of happy.... 8-O lol
Perhaps, if I were leading an alternative life and achieving my all-god-knows what potentials-- with money, a house or two, a car or two, a child or two, and, my own family--- I won't be able to understand this strange sense of happiness... 8-O lol
So I thought... perhaps... this is some kind of happiness only one so well-endowed with nothing and nothingness like me would experience...
As I was floating in the air of happiness and the sense of being content, so I thought to myself...
I think this is an absolutely fabulous birthday to celebrate....
It is funny, though, that, in Taiwan time, the accident that led to my being really in pain and disabled took place 6 month before or after my birthday in Taiwan time.
It was my birthday last year-- the time when the workers com stopped authorizing treatment and my disability checks was cut down to cover only half my rent- after IME ...
Is there really some significant correlation between the two? I don't know and, perhaps, I would never know....
One thing I do know is that...
By this birthday... I am able to move far enough to see my dentist in Flushing and rush back for the office party... (Rushing.... a concept I had thought that I would never grasp again... even if it were only 6 months ago...)
By this birthday... I am working to pay my room and board... SES didn't change much but, at least, my life is no longer dependent on anyone else's authorization anymore...
This is the birthday that I will always remember.... and, I think, one that I can make people who care about me to be proud of me as well....
Back a while ago but I don't remember when, this friend of mine made a comment about the topics of discussion.... somewhere during the conversation, the thing called sex came up...
I don't quite remember now what exactly he said... something like I am asexual based on my writing... or else
I do remember the response I had for his comment... something like...
"How would I know if you don't ask?" 8-O lol
Especially when... me ain't got enough data points to beat da Kinsey Reports.... 8-O lol
I think that it was this past Sunday when someone asked me this question--- something like.... "What do they think about girlfriends in Taiwan?"
I had absolutely no idea what the question was about and asked.... "You mean cohabitation or premarital sex?"
So I went on speaking of how cohabitation or premarital sex is more common now than when I was growing up (Cow heads don't match with horse mouths... as Taiwanese might say....).
It was not until, I think, last night did the light ball go off.... when I realized that it might be my sexual preferences he was asking about rather than the topic of cohabitation or premarital sex.
So I thought... it is not my fault that no one asks me out for a date since I broke up with my last jackass from hell with his disappearing into the ether of da Arizona dream....
So I thought... perhaps we shall try out that thing called picking guys up....
Then, I thought... no way Jose... in no mood to find that Mr. Goodbar...
Even if it is not Mr. Goodbar I found (thank God), I am accident prone... not yet ready to raise children along.... 8-O lol
As a result, shall anyone think that the reason why I can be a real b from hell is because I don't get laid...
Till you find me my ideal husband... you might just have to be settled with this b from hell... 8-O lol
I had this insight today that, for me, men come in a uni-dimension which constitutes of two collapsed if not entangled dimensions....
Essentially, cute guys are gay.... of no use to me... others with other preferences...
The belief system is so strong that, even though I know someone is married with children, such as Hugh Jackman and Patrick Dempsey, I simply can not stop thinking... them boys too cute to be straight..... 8-O lol
I have no idea how this worldview or mental model had come about....
The only thing I know is that it is an absolute complement from me shall I think.... man... that cute guy is gay... 8-O lol
Life's gains and losses... hopefully average to a zero sum game... given the abundance of concurrently evolving universes and their own scenarios... in whatever a form...
So speaks a victim of the weak G---- wondering, after her fat butts fell down to the floor, which made her not too able to move for a year or so and still recovering... whether the impact was strong enough for some gravitons from her atoms to escape this brane to places otherwise unimaginable... 8-O lol
Today was the last day of the class that I am taking on spirituality in psychotherapy....
I would have loved to come up with words of more eloquence to pair with these things I built, including my castle... with the buildings representing the concurrently evolving universes that we could tap into through out our life... with some closer to "reality" and others imagination by default...
Unfortunately, like what I kept on repeating when presenting my project....
"I am sorry.... thoughts in process.... I can't quite find the words yet...."
So... as I was taking a shower, I thought of this voices I heard later in this afternoon... "She is building a wormhole..."
"Thank you..." So I said to my hallucinations and delusional thoughts... possibly the externalization of my unconsciousness... or simply random mumble jumble generated by them electrical firing in my mis-wired low latent inhibited head-- no meaning attached at all....
The reason why I am thankful is because, perhaps, part of what was missing in forming thoughts was the word... "wormhole..."--- the links between what I called as universes... or, more accurately, the links between the universes and my life...
Then, I realize that...
If all that I have experiencing so far are but a collection of "tapping into different moments in them universes"....
What are universes to life then?
Could life be just like the history list recorded by browsers on your whereabouts?
Then, I sat down, started to type and decided to upload a picture of my universes represented as buildings...
Then, as the picture was refreshed and appeared in this textbox, I thought.... perhaps... life is but a box....
And the life's experiences I once thought to be so linear are but random collections of my tapping into different universes available...
This is especially true when... thinking back at the year and half past... all that I could recall are incidences... and it even requires me to construct a timeline to keep my own memory straight... 8-O lol
Then, again, I thought....
How much of the aforementioned thoughts are motivated by my delusional thoughts and how much of the style represents thoughts-- disordered? 8-O lol
Some days words are no show... good news... sort of... drug at work... 8-O lol
Alternative methods could be used to explore my own world... an alternative universe, residing in which, my own castle... ask me not why Neuschwanstein though... 8-O lol
Now the castle build.... time to clean up my room tomorrow... oops... 8-O 8-X lol
After some wait, the bus finally arrived and I luckily got a seat.
It must have been the stop after when I saw this lady with a cane got onto the bus.
I stood up happily to give the seat away.
As the next lady with a cane got on, the lady with silver hair, who was sitting next to me, also got up and gave away her seat.
As the bus moved on, I found myself engulfed in the sense of happiness...
I thought of the scenario that took place many a month ago. As I was struggling to get off the bus to go to my doctor's appointment, this overwhelmingly enthusiastic lady shouted out loudly to inform people that... "Handicapped getting off!!!" 8-O lol
Today, I could stand on my two feet and give away my seat...
Then, the lady next to me was getting off the bus. I padded that lady with silver hair so that she could take that seat.
It has nothing to do with altruism or any other kinda blah blah bla at all.
It is all about selfishness... for... no longer do I need to be the one to be given seats to...
Now, I can be the one to give the seat away...
Then, after I got home, I had my usual Friday night conversation with my mama on skype...
I was so happy to tell her that...
"I am so happy that I had given my seat away on my way back."
Mama was also very happy for me... and she added something like...
"It is wonderful that now you are grateful about the everyday things..."
I only knew that I felt really happy up to that point...
It was then did I realize that...
I am grateful.... for the things I could do in my own capacity....
I am grateful.... for all those people, me, love, care for and who could actually put up with me...
I am grateful... for all the gratefulness I could sense and I could see...
So I thought...
Perhaps, the best gifts of all that have been bestowed upon me after all these time.... in things... gratefulness... I see...
So, in last night's posting, I posted this question...
Did what I just heard somehow get transmitted to the head of that me years back on the ER bed facing the end of THE world? 8-O lol
Then, tonight, as I am building some paper model houses, I heard scientists proposing ways of making it possible...
It seems like that... the safer way to do it would be sending thoughts only while leaving yourself rooted in your own universe....
This further reminds me of this passage I wrote back on March 9th which I did not made public until now...
Then... this further bewilders me... this this me sitting her typing out all non sense, among all, the latest version of me or just another concurrent version?
And, I thought... since telepathy is a type of psychotic symptom, what it be like to start the Q chip from simulating them psychotic minds? 8-O lol
While I was posting my blog about the fear of, one day, drugs work no more and I could only wish for magical power me to support, I felt I was visited by myself... a much calmer, older, and wiser version of me... How old I don't know but I know it was when I were much older... (other than my bad English... yes, it was the past tense I have intended to use because that version of what I perceived as the future had occurred and, as a result, was the past. At the same time, some might think the provision of the footnote is non-sensical since delusions are but delusions... 12/17/2008)
I kindly and understandingly told me (the current version)....
Just kept on doing what you have done so far because it will be for a good cause and along the way, someone, somewhere will get something out of it.
You will be able to do crafty and really experience the nothingness kinda thing except for this is not yet your time.
It was as if I were visited by myself while the current me in front of the laptop and the future version of me at the desk.
Then, I felt someone came to get the future me... that gave me a sense of relief... some man loves that I and cares for that I at that age...
OK... I am really going crazy while... which part of I am crazy am I not understanding? 8-O lol
So.. I have not stop doing them strange body move itself kind of exercises even though I have not mentioned much about them...
Since the change to the day light saving time and the no good weather, I have moved the location of my exercise to the hallway in my building since there is not much room to move, literally, in my room.
I have also continued to upload segments of my exercise up to youtube so that my doctor in Taiwan could see how I am doing...
Then, the other day, this guy send me a message about this clip he viewed...
At the end of his message, he said... "seems you kundalini has awakened."
So I stared at that word... "kundalini" for a while and googled it...
Based on my limited understanding, it has something to do with the energy from the energy central now comes out to play....
Then, as I read on, I came across the world of freight and bliss....
My low-latent-inhibited head thought... I do have them scary images as well as delusion...
At the same time, this strange bird called me, a neumocephalic, does walk around happily with a big smile for no good reason for the majority of the day while the happiness seems to come out from the place where you could either call heart or chest---- despite of the propensity for depression.
Regardless what the theory might be, one thing I have to say is that... if it were me having to use my head to move my body the way I did in the clips, I won't be able to do it...
It is funny that how flexible my body is when I simply allow it to move however way it would like to move...
At the same time, although you might not be able to hear the details in the videos, as I moved along, a lot of times, I would be hearing my bones cracking from head to toe... More or less like, smoothly my body move to the music of bone cracking.... 8-O lol
So, I did think about the concept of Kundalini....
And, I wondered... how does it have anything to do anything shall the hypothesis hold true and my Kundalini has awakens? Not quite sure what I can and should do about it?
I came up with the brilliant idea of wanting to find a paper folding model that would allow me to build a 6-d object... one that is similar to the 6 dimensions that are so small that we could not observe them based on string theory...
Unfortunately, the closest thing I could find is a computer generated simulation picture below...
Interestingly... so beautiful and so confusing.... at least to me... one lacking the thing called spatial ability.... 8-O lol
So... this is the part of 6 dimensions that is hidden from us in our 10 (string theory) if not 11 (m theory) dimensional world...
(Wonder within of these dimensions that husband of mine is hiding... 8-O lol) Please absolutely feel free to let me know what the alternative versions might be....
As I was trying to let go of some of them crafty supplies in my room today, I leisurely moved to the following clip on youtube with the topic of discussion concerning whether there is an end of time... and, of course, theoretically...
So, if I recall correctly, after the degenerate state of the universe where all matters decade and after the later state when even the black holes evaporate, there comes to the final stage of the universe.... where there exist nothing but the photons running around like headless chickens... 8-O lol
That reminded me of that version of terminal death after the Apocalypse--- in my delusional imaginary world... at the high noon (or night) of my second acute psychotic episode...
I must have mentioned that experience of mine numerous a time... could have simply linked to that posting except for I can't find them right at this moment...
Essentially, all orders broke down... there was earthquakes, tsunami, volcano eruptions, and all other deadly events everywhere....
Up to a certain point, I could still communicate with the deceased... for they were the spirits... with whom I could still channel with...
Then, not only was Purgatorio (Purgatory) doomed..
No longer existed were Inferno (Hell) and Paradiso (Paradise)...
All Gods, spirits, human, ghosts, devils, etc were dead.... leaving only THE demonic forces in charge...
It was at that point when all dead came through my body and, into the big abyss of nothingness... evaporated into particles... leaving, for me, no trace...
Ok...
So, I was leisurely listening to the topic concerning the terminal death of the universe...
And I thought... what a match...
So I thought... are you telling me that da demonic forces in my imaginary world is actually la forza of nature?
Did what I just heard somehow get transmitted to the head of that me years back on the ER bed facing the end of THE world? 8-O lol
Of course, so we could say... them delusional thoughts... nonsensical.... and... looking for senses in nonsense... non-non-sensical?! 8-O lol
It is supposed to be helpful for people like me with back problems...
Yet, at some point during the exercise, this thought came to my mind.... be easy with it...
However, afterwards and a bit later, I realized that there seemed to be some problems in the flow of chi, qi or xi in my body...
How did the realization come about? Through the observations I made on my bodily movement during my smoking break...
That brought me back to the comment made by my doctor in Taiwan... no physical therapy and no gym workout for me allowed...
What I did not know was... like physical therapy and gym workout... even Yoga was not for me either...
So, I let chi move around and felt the energy coming down through my arms to my palms while heading back to work....
It was then did this thought occurred to me again...
So much of a control freak.... I have no control over my body and mind... 8-O lol
What I have is what is granted to me by my body and mind...
And, how funny.... the only exercise I have tried so far that provides sustainable effect is the one and only exercise that requires me to let go of control over my body and mind.... so that I could simply let it carry me...
Isn't life strange? The way we were-- me and my sense of control..... only to realize that... the control is long gone somewhere in life's battlefield... leaving me to look back in fond memories... me and my control...
Even stranger is that this song was a hit the year I was born... 8-O lol
As I finally got to watch the following clip about time... a concept I recently came to feel curious about...
At around 3:12 into the clip, I realized that... what I thought of in the previous posting...
"Is it really true that the past is the cumulative mass of the once-upon-a-time present, the present as moments fleeting away- never at hand, and, the future as the big unknown?"
... Of course, someone else had put it much more elegantly before...
Then, I moved on to the next clip... at around 5:33... I saw the Mary-go-around....
And... it reminded me of what my body used to do during September... when I would just be circling around like a doggie chasing its own tail... and the strange sensations.... including, at times, the sense of time seemed to disappear while the movement continued... (OK... this could be classified as time distortion, a type of psychotic symptom, unless I am my own black hole... 8-O lol)
In any case, the more I read and/or watch, the more it makes me feel that.... there is nothing new that I could contribute at all... what writing? What book? 8-O 8-X lol
For this class I am taking, I thought of working on a project about my experiences so far since my chair collapsing accident that took place on June 19th of 2007.... from the perspective of comedy... or... dark comedy...
Gotta make it fun is the only mission I had and still have in mind...
To begin with... I tried to recall all the artifacts I have collected so far... for instance... my painful expressions at the beginning of the journey...
At some point, I decided to switch my attention towards the events that had taken place during this period of time.
Intuitively, I decided to create a timeline including events between June 19th of 2007 to present... with example components as those listed in the following diagram....
So, just as I was taking down all these events on the paper.... this feeling started to boil inside...
In addition to thinking.... such representation is so very boring.... same old... same old...
This thought occurred to me... linearity... I could not escape it... my worldview is so very linear...
I had this feeling that I am entrapped by time and the view that time is linear.... Yet, I was still not quite sure what exactly is killing me inside about time and linearity...
I tried to ask this new friend of mine questions but I couldn't quite understand what the questions were that I was supposed or intended to ask...
All that I knew was that... I am entrapped by my worldview, my mental models, etc... and I could not escape this sense about time...
All that I knew is that... there is something not quite right but I don't know what it is...
I must have started with this question... "What is your worldview?"
A bit too vague...
Yet, another strange question might have been...
"How does your background as a musicologist have an impact on your worldview in relation to time?"
He tried to provide me with some thoughtful responses.... while, like me, not quite sure what exactly the question is...
At some point, I must have told him something like.... the problem I was feeling was...
"I am trapped in time..."
Though I didn't quite understand what I meant by I was trapped in time...
Later, I tried to imagine that each of the components in the 2-D timeline above as an universe to themselves with me, within each every of them, experiencing my versions of reality....
It was not until much later, as I went outside having a smoke, as I was looking leisurely as them passersby in their own versions of reality.... this thought occurred to me...
Back a few days ago, one night, as I was getting home from work, I saw this lady in red coat walking towards me... while she was still in a distance, I had this thought... "Where is the red flower on her head?" This could have been classified as a simple delusional kinda ideology except for... as I walked past her, I saw over her head the exact red flower I was thinking of...
At the same time, the whole line of psi research and stories I heard from other people seem to be telling me that... such occurrences are nothing magical... though... classified as paranormal...
Events like me thinking of the red flower on that lady's head before I saw it were what were driving me crazy...
And, it was then when that low-latent-inhibition head of mine granted me this epiphany...
I had phrased it wrong when I said... "I am trapped by time."
Rather, the question that was really boiling inside of me has nothing to do with time itself at all... instead, the question was... "Is my view of how 'time' works simply a manifestation of conditioning?"
Is it really true that the past is the cumulative mass of the once-upon-a-time present, the present as moments fleeting away- never at hand, and, the future as the big unknown?
So they said... you can't see what you don't know...
What it be like shall the unfolding of time represent in orders more than the usual sequences of past-present-future? What if the only reason why we see the alternatives not is because we are conditioned the same way them doggies had been--- those of Pavlov?
One more time... I brought myself back to the above video starting from 2:08... 8-O lol
I had some interesting conversation with this couple last night...
At some point, the topic of our conversation was why I am so old and still single...
Somehow, the lady decided that it is highly plausible that I prefer to be single because I want my freedom... and that is why I am single...
At the same time, the gentleman decided that I just haven't found THAT ONE that could tie me down...
An alternative hypothesis I had was... perhaps, one who doesn't know where the hell one is going to be in 6 months doesn't really have the right to get involved...
As I was watching the lady and the gentleman defending their own beliefs about why I am single...
I had in my head this image... the uncertainty principle governing my life...... theoretically both at the micro and macro levels... 8-O lol
Someone mentioned to me the other day the phrase "String theory" while checking out this book I am reading about quantum mechanics and reality....
The last time I heard this term "String Theory" was perhaps last Halloween when I was watching an episode of CSI: Las Vegas.... I tried to look into this theory then but the info on wikipedia was a bit to dry for me...
After I heard this term again last Saturday, I decided to start looking for educational kinda program on youtube to give me a sense of what string theory about... layman kinda level of understanding, so to speak...
Then, funny things started to happen....
On Sunday night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I had this feeling that there were some kind of energies hovering above me... with their shape sort of like rays.... (ya, my psychotic symptoms are most overactive when I am trying to fall asleep)
One thing you need to know is that I was only able to finish about 1 and half hour of the program "Elegant Universe" as of Sunday night.... and I think it was not until Monday did I finally encounter the segments of the program discussing the M theory, which involves the introduction of membrane or brane. http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/elegant/program.html
Then, as I was watching the program and looking at the animation of the branes... this thought occurred to me...
Them strange thing hovering above me weren't rays... it is more or less like... they are branes! 8-O lol
So, the magical thinking part of me wondered... how did those vision kinda thing knew that brane was to come next?
So, something I learned on Monday was... graviton could the only thing that could escape from the brane we are stuck on...
Then, Monday night, when I was in bed and thought of them ray-looking branes, this thought occurred to me... could these have something to do with the graviton escaping from some other brane, if not branes? Could it be that we psychotic are just a bit more gifted in tuning to frequencies of other dimensions either from this brane or other branes? And, with the inter-brane communication, is graviton the medium? In addition, I have heard from numerous sources (other than from yours psychotic) about their experiences in seeing things before things actually take place.... Could it be the macroscopic manifestation of them subatomic jiggling where even the dimension of time is sort of... zerbercht....
Of course, Tuesday afternoon, I heard this fine lady from Harvard speaking of the escape of graviton from other branes into ours....
Speaking of the cultural impacts on the development of delusional systems.... Don't want to be self-inflated... Yet, I sort of wonder.... maybe I am one of the first psychotic to have strings and branes as part of the delusional system... (though, given that the M theory has been out for about a decade, the Chance for me to be the forerunner seems to be very slim...) 8-O lol
(BTW, dear experts everywhere in physics and math.... this is but the attempt of a Parsifal grade of psychotic trying to figure out the implication of my attempt to learn about the simplified version string theory and M theory... Nothing disrespectful at all...)
Last night, I had some real struggle falling asleep... must have something to do with the green tea I drank after meal...
In any case, as I was going to bed, I felt this harming kinda delusions were gonna emerge...
Tocking myself into bed, I prayed to God or whatever it is... Do me a favor... I don't need them delusions...
So I closed my eyes and, at some point, there is this sense that I am dead... in the coffin... with faces popping up left and right viewing yours truly stucked in the coffin...
Then, for almost an hour, I felt I was sort of dozing off, all was clear in mind head.... no hallucination or delusions... Yet, I just could not fall asleep... until I finally got up to take one of them prescription grade sleeping pill...
When I woke up this morning, I knew I did fall asleep and there were only a few of them images come for the viewing.... and I know none of them... 8-O lol
Then, after I got to work, as I was munching on my sandwich, I bit into a piece of really hard material.... only to realize that one of my tooth that got the fillings filled about 2 decades ago finally cracked with a piece of my dead tooth falling out of the place...
Then, I thought....
Being on the dentist chair does make me feel like on the death row at times...
No wonder them people coming for the viewing were like having their face right over mine... a bit too close.... for this is how dentists work..... And, no wonder I was feeling all wierd having people viewing me alive.... 8-O lol
And, I thought to my head... what the hell... why don't you just let me imagine myself on the dentist's chair... wouldn't it be it so much simpler and rid them strange interpretations once and for all? Isn't it in my long term memeory, the quote of Maxine Greene, "the confusion of interpretations?!" 8-O lol
At the same time, please don't ask me how them annoying visions at bed time would "predict" my tooth cracking experience today.... Also please don't ask me whether such experience really was a prediction of the death of the falling out piece of tooth... for... live is wonderful and I am still looking forward to live much longer... Gott sei dank (speaking of choosing the lessor evil...8-O lol)
Last night gave me a scare... too much of da voices is scary... 8-O 8-X
Tonight it seems to have die down... Thank God... or whatever it is...
Something new and strange recently, though not so frequent... seemed to start seeing things that shouldn't be there...
One day I saw someone in two places... the 3-D one busy at work while a 2-D kinda image resting by the shelf... (on a second thought... that what I thought as 2-D images might actually be a representation of n>4 dimensions...)
Another day, I woke up in the middle of the night, seeing two flowers on stems coming out from my desk. So I closed my eyes, they disappeared. So I opened my eyes again, they reappeared. Then I did more times of closing and opening my eyes and them flowers disappeared and reappeared many more time.... Until I must have got up and turn on the light... they finally disappeared permanently.... 8-O
So I think...
OMG... auditory hallucinations are enough... you could save them visual hallucinations for someone else.... 8-O lol 8-X
At the same time, what could be done with them visual hallucination kinda thing (though, since I have never had experience with visual hallucinations, I am not quite sure whether these could be classified as visual hallucinations or not)? Would still be on the same thing I am on... antipsychotic drugs... 8-O lol
Whit
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Whit sounds like wit and according to dictionary.com, it means
a particle; bit; jot (used especially in negative phrases).
I have changed not a whit. I do...
A dream: Backpacking
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On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an
extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the
Narita Air...
Ratprincess in Technology not lost?
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Given my sick-in-the-headness, sometimes it's hard to trust my LTM. Did
Ratprincess in Technology really exist or was it my false memory?
As I was marv...
Traces of the past
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A link I found that has been live online from the Down with Meds age.
Apparently, the past has always been there whether I knew it or not.
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