Quotes from Mindfulness

Quotes I have found so far from the book "Mindfulness" by Ellen J. Langer...

1. Contexts control our behavior, and our mindsets determine how we interpret each context. p. 35
2. Without psychotherapy or a crisis as motivation, the past is rarely recategorized. We might from time to time call upon different episodes from the past to justify a present situation or grievance, but it rarely occurs to us to change the way the events or impressions were initially stored. P. 64
3. If exposed to patterns of stimulation that are perceived as repeated and unvarying, the sensory system often shuts down, since it is not "receiving" anything new. P. 67
4. Once we become mindfully aware of views other than our own, we start to realize that there are as many different views as there are different observers. P 68
5. Instead of living a dull, stale existence in a cell for forty-odd years, the Birdman of Alcatraz found that boredom can be just another construct of the mind, no more certain than freedom. There is always something new to notice. And he turned what might have been an absolute hell into, at the least, a fascinating, mindful purgatory. P. 74
6. If I have orange juice for breakfast every day, even though there are many alternatives available, chances are I am not making a meaningful choice. Meaningful choice involves some awareness of the other alternatives that have not been selected. Through this awareness we learn something about ourselves, our tastes and preferences.p. 85 (Ratprincess: What about prune juice? 8-O lol)
7. When we are behaving mindlessly, that is to say, relying on categories drawn in the past, endpoints to development seem fixed. We are then like projectiles moving along a predetermined course. When we are mindful, we see all sorts of choices and generate new endpoints. P. 97
8. "It is by logic that we prove. It is by intuition that we discover," said the mathematician Henri Poincare. p. 116
9. The dancer Isador Duncan, whose art is by definition motion and change, said, "If I could tell you what it meant, there would be no point in dancing it." P. 117
10. With one pre-set image labeled GRAND CANYON in their minds, blinding them to what lies below, they search for the one and only "right" spot to stand. In advising his audience that there is no such spot and that they could search instead for whatever was "meaningful" to them.... P. 117
11. Bach also spoke of the effortless flow of musical ideas. Asked how he found his melodies, he said, "The problem is not finding them, it's--- when getting up in the morning and getting out of bed--- not stepping on them." P. 118
12. Creating new categories, exploring multiple perspectives, and focusing on process all increase the possibility that a novel approach to a problem will be discovered. P. 139
13. "Take a word of advice, even from a three foot nothing. Try not to associate bodily defects with mental, my good friend, except for a solid reason." Charles Dickens, David Copperfield, P. 153 (Ratprincess: oops... what if I am both bodily defective and mental... what does it leave me with... 8-O lol)
14. Most of our labels for people tend to be global: genius, midget, homosexual, giant. Such labels tend to influence every other judgment of, or reaction to, the person who bears them. P. 155
15. Because most of us grow up and spend our time with people like ourselves, we tend to assume uniformities and commonalities. When confronted with someone who is clearly different in one specific way, we drop that assumption and instead look for more differences. P. 156
16. Sensory as well as physical handicaps create a series of hurdles that require mindful solutions. The deaf, blind, or wheelchair-bound person must approach simple activities, that others pursue mindlessly, in a more problem-solving frame of mind. P. 161
17. Ironically, the greater mindfulness generated by a handicap, or other difference, can create yet one more way in which the person differs from the majority. Greater mindfulness may lead to original perceptions that others may view as bizarre..... In combating prejudice, then, the issue is not simply how we might teach the majority to be less judgmental, but also how we might all learn to value a "disabled" or "deviant" person's more creative perceptions. P. 161-162 (Ratprincess: Thank you Langer... since I am both deviant and disabled, you have classified me as one of da group with creative perceptions. And... no wonder I am even to bizarre for myself... 8-O lol)
18. To be "deviant" means that one does not belong to this so-called "normal" group. In itself, the notion of deviance has no meaning. P. 167 (Ratprincess: so one of my prof said in the class of Phenomenology--- 偏見, 偏見, 有偏才有見... the English Translation is something like... bias bias... how could you see without bias... just like how do you see normal without the contrast of abnormal-- and the matter of the fact is that much of what we know about normal is through them abnormal...)
19. "Is there a split between mind and body, and if so, which is it better to have?" Woody Allen, Getting Even P. 171 (Ratprincess: now I know... I prefer both... 8-O lol)
20. From earliest childhood we learn to see mind and body as separate and unquestioningly to regard the body as more important. We learn that "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you."" If something is wrong with our bodies we go to one kind of doctor, while with a "mental problem" we go to another. Long before we have any reason to question it, the split is ingrained into us in endless ways. It is one of our strongest mindsets, a dangerous premature cognitive commitment. P. 171
    
21. If the lion is fear-provoking in one context and not in another, then before fear can be experienced, one has to supply the fearful context. P. 175
    
22. Contexts are learned. Thus most of what provokes emotion is learned. P. 175
23. Emotions rest upon premature cognitive commitments. We experience them without an awareness that they could be otherwise, without an awareness that this is the way we, albeit passively, constructed the experience. P. 175 (Ratprincess: schema etc and automaticity)
24. Without looking closely and noticing that the same stimulus in different contexts is a different stimulus, we become victims of the associations we ourselves constructed. P. 176
25. Our thoughts create the context which determines our feelings. P. 176
26. Robert Ulrich reported that gall-bladder-surgery patients who had been assigned to hospital rooms with windows facing brilliantly colored fall trees had shorter postoperative stays and took fewer pain reliever than those assigned to rooms that faced a brick wall. P. 179
27. "I can resist everything except temptations." Says a character in Oscar Wilde's Lady Windermere's Fan.
28. When patients are given a placebo and then get well, the illness is considered to be "Only psychological." (Here we see the old mind/body dualism, alive and well.) It is interesting that no one tests the effectiveness of active drug by telling patients that "this is only a placebo." (Is this implicit recognition of the power of the mind to change the effect of the drug?) P. 189
29. Placebo effects are real and powerful. Who is doing the healing when one takes a placebo? Why can't we just say to our minds, "Repair this ailing body"? Why must we fool our minds in order to enlist our own powers of self-healing? P. 190
30. The study about warts... P. 192
31. One reason mindfulness may seem effortful is because of the pain of negative thouhts. When thoughts are uncomfortable, people often struggle to erase them. The pain, however, does not come from mindful awareness of these thoughts, but from a single-minded understanding of the painful event. P. 202
32. The story about the hermits and the professor.... "In the lab of the hermits, no one noticed that the monkeys could talk." P. 204
    

A thought....

Mindlessness and my whole experiences concerning Microsoft..... http://ratologyreloaded.blogspot.com/2008/10/mental-models.html

Another thought de Ratprincess at this point.... it seems like mindset in my languae is mental model or script etc while mindfulness is about the multiple interpretations of the same artifact following da constructivist kinda principles...

Why why

In the last book I finished... inner work... the whole them in the book surrounds the concept of self...

In the book I am trying to finish, the whole book, so far as I could see, surrounds the concept of our worldview... or mindsets in the writer's language...

Guess this is the reason why, last night, I pondered about Why....

And, such reminds me of a previous posting I made... 空: 反觀諸己..... for, in a selfish state... shall all things "happen" are but probabilities until being observed and interpreted... it does take no less and no more than our "selves" to construe the world... at least... a lot of times...

Why

If you ever wonder how I speak not of others' story....

My mindset, my mental model and my words... too limited... like what I have mentioned before... about Your story...

And
Shall there be a reason
Anyone
my blog
to
follow

Perhaps...
somehow...
Some part of your story is told...
Though just a guess...
Though I can't tell you why....

出塞曲



作詞：席幕容
作曲：李南華
唱：蔡琴,張清芳

請為我唱一首出塞曲
用那遺忘了的古老言語
請用美麗的顫音輕輕呼喚
我心中的大好河山
那只有長城外才有的清香
誰說出塞歌的調子太悲涼
如果你不愛聽
那是因為歌中沒有你的渴望
而我們總是要一唱再唱
想著草原千里閃著金光
想著風沙呼嘯過大漠
想著黃河岸啊陰山旁
英雄騎馬壯
騎馬榮歸故鄉

The Why

So I think to myself...

I am getting stranger and stranger each every day...

Tracing myself back each everyday along them Manhattan blocks ... wondering of what I am becoming...

T's the time to revisit the Stairs towards God's House...

So I myself thought... maybe there is a reason...

Still I can't understand.... how can nothing be of anything?

A quote

Found this quote as a quote in this book I am starting to read.... sort of reminding of what I thought of in Perfect game ....


The intellectual life of man consists almost wholly in his substitution of conceptual order for the perceptual order in which his experience originally comes from.

William James, "The World We Live In"

The burden of the intellectuals..... I guess.... too much of them complications...

Contrast

Interesting contast between the voices of tenor and baritone in the presentation of Winterreise Rast", "Frühlingstraum, "Einsamkeit".

Peter Schreier (Tenor)


Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau (Baritone)

"Rast"

"Frühlingstraum"

"Einsamkeit"



"Rast"
http://www.recmusic.org/lieder/get_text.html?TextId=11887

Nun merk' ich erst, wie müd' ich bin,
Da ich zur Ruh' mich lege:
Das Wandern hielt mich munter hin
Auf unwirtbarem Wege.
Die Füße frugen nicht nach Rast,
Es war zu kalt zum Stehen;
Der Rücken fühlte keine Last,
Der Sturm half fort mich wehen.

In eines Köhlers engem Haus
Hab' Obdach ich gefunden;
Doch meine Glieder ruh'n nicht aus:
So brennen ihre Wunden.
Auch du, mein Herz, in Kampf und Sturm
So wild und so verwegen,
Fühlst in der Still' erst deinen Wurm
Mit heißem Stich sich regen!

English Translation

Now I first notice how weary I am
As I lie down to rest;
Wandering had sustained me
As I walked a desolate road.
My feet do not ask for rest,
It was too cold to stand still;
My back felt no burden,
The storm helped me blow along.

In a coal-burner's narrow hut
I have found shelter.
Still, my limbs cannot rest,
So fiercely my wounds burn.
You too, my heart, in struggles and storm
So wild and so bold,
Only now in the quiet do you feel the sharp sting
of the worm that lives within you!

Frühlingstraum /Dream of Spring
Lyrics from http://www.arcadiaplayers.org/sound/fruhlingstraum.html

(German)
Ich träumte von bunten Blumen,
So wie sie wohl blühen im Mai;
Ich träumte von grünen Wiesen,
Von lustigem Vogelgeschrei.

Und als die Hähne krähten,
Da ward mein Auge wach;
Da war es kalt und finster,
Es schrien die Raben vom Dach.

Doch an den Fensterscheiben,
Wer malte die Blätter da?
Ihr lacht wohl über den Träumer,
Der Blumen im Winter sah?

Ich träumte von Lieb um Liebe,
Von einer schönen Maid,
Von Herzen und von Küssen,
Von Wonne und Seligkeit.

Und als die Hähne krähten,
Da ward mein Herze wach;
Nun sitz' ich hier alleine
Und denke dem Traume nach.

Die Augen schließ' ich wieder,
Noch schlägt das Herz so warm.
Wann grünt ihr Blätter am Fenster?
Wann halt' ich mein Liebchen im Arm?

(English)
I dreamed of many-colored flowers,
The way they bloom in May;
I dreamed of green meadows,
Of merry bird calls.

And when the roosters crowed,
My eye awakened;
It was cold and dark,
The ravens shrieked on the roof.

But on the window panes -
Who painted the leaves there?
I suppose you'll laugh at the dreamer
Who saw flowers in winter?

I dreamed of love reciprocated,
Of a beautiful maiden,
Of embracing and kissing,
Of joy and delight.

And when the roosters crowed,
My heart awakened;
Now I sit here alone
And reflect on the dream.

I close my eyes again,
My heart still beats so warmly.
When will you leaves on the window turn green?
When will I hold my love in my arms?


"Einsemkeit"
http://www.recmusic.org/lieder/get_text.html?TextId=11809

Wie eine trübe Wolke
Durch heit're Lüfte geht,
[Wann]1 in der Tanne Wipfel
Ein mattes Lüftchen weht:

So zieh ich meine Straße
Dahin mit trägem Fuß,
Durch helles, frohes Leben,
Einsam und ohne Gruß.

Ach, daß die Luft so ruhig!
Ach, daß die Welt so licht!
Als noch die Stürme tobten,
War ich so elend nicht.

English Translation

As a dark cloud
Passes through clear skies,
When a faint breeze wafts
Through the tops of the pine trees:

So I make my way
With heavy steps,
Through bright, joyful life,
Alone and ungreeted.

Ah, the air is so calm,
Ah, the world is so bright!
When the tempests were raging,
I was not so miserable.

Passion

Was listening to this song and I went....

Wow.... that's passion..... 8-O



Der stürmische Morgen
http://www.recmusic.org/lieder/get_text.html?TextId=11861

Wie hat der Sturm zerrissen
Des Himmels graues Kleid!
Die Wolkenfetzen flattern
Umher im matten Streit.

Und rote Feuerflammen
Zieh'n zwischen ihnen hin;
Das nenn' ich einen Morgen
So recht nach meinem Sinn!

Mein Herz sieht an dem Himmel
Gemalt sein eig'nes Bild -
Es ist nichts als der Winter,
Der Winter, kalt und wild!

English Translation

See how the storm has torn apart
Heaven's grey cloak!
Shreds of clouds flit about
In weary strife.

And fiery red flames
Burst forth among them:
This is what I call a morning
Exactly to my liking!

My heart sees its own image
Painted in the sky
It is noting but winter,
Winter, cold and savage!

Strange bird

I go back to read my writing only once in a blue moon...

Recently, I have gone back to repost my old writings to the Down with Meds blog... because.... since I have to go back to them posting to figure out how to analyze the contents, I might as well get them reposted as well... two birds, one stone... I guess..

So when I do go back, it never ceases to amaze me how them strange things would have come out of my mouth....

Shall them writings be the verbal diarrhea of my unconsciousness...

I gotta say that... like this me... my unconscious is a fairly strange bird as well.... and maybe this is why 99.99999 % of the time I have no idea what the hell I am talking about.... 8-O lol

Lost

I woke up from this dream this morning.... although only could recollect the last part...

I was supposed to be going somewhere while not knowing both where I was and where I was going....

A mirror scenario of something that happened on my first backpacking trip in Europe the summer of my freshman year...

I was staying in a small town with a family where even the local train doesn't stop... to get to this town from the train station, one has to pass a forest, moved further on before making a right turn and a few more turns before I could see the light in front of their house.

I arrived at their place in the night and didn't really get a good look at the road.

When I decided to go to Lucern 2 days after, I was so very excited about the whole thing.. I was not even paying attention about how I was going to come back....

So I spent a good day touring in Lucern...

So I was getting back from Lucern so that I could make it "home" to join this family to have some "horse meat".... except for, after I got off from the express train coming from Lucern and at this station from which I needed to catch the local train.... I forgot where I was supposed to go...

I had no recollection about the name of the town I was staying at or the name of the town where the train would arrive.... worse of all, I did not have their telephone number with me, I had no idea where I was, I might have even forgotten their name, and, my passport was in my backpack in the safety of their house... 8-O

I remember that the day kept on getting darker and darker... more and more strange people started to gather around that train station...

I looked diligently into the train schedule but simply could not recall anything about the name of the town where I have to go....

I locked myself in the telephone booth... flipping through one page after another.... wishing miracle would happen and I could find the contact number of da family...

It must have been 2 hours since this young Asian girl in the suburb of Lucern locked herself in the telephone booth and, with one hand, holding on to da Swiss army knife in her pocket... also... must be looking anxiously lost...

Then, this man on the bike approached me...

I had tried to ignore him at the beginning...

Then, he revealed to me that he was once in Asian or maybe in Taiwan... Then, he asked me what I was looking for and where I was going...

I told him about my dilemma...

The two of us, then, looked into the schedule and try to get the destination figured out.... to no avail...

Then, the guy working for the station joined our venture....

I forgot how exactly and eventually we figured out where I needed to go... and the next train to arrive was some time around 8 o'clock....

When the train arrived, I kept on walking from one cart to the other... all carts seemed so empty... so I kept on walking until I found a seat not to far from an older lady...

After I arrived safely at the designated station, I got off the train.... into the dark...

There was no one by the station and it was already sometime past 9 in the evening...

In my head, I must have thought... how am I gonna get pass the forest this hour in the night in total darkness when having no idea at all how to get back to that family...

So, gripping to da knife in my pocket, I moved around in red alert....

At some time, I saw a car in the distance....

I was thrilled... thinking... maybe it is this family that had come to fetch me...

I walked closer and closer only to find out that... it was not them...

It was a man with his car...

What shall I do... so I must have thought to myself...

So, still clinging to da knife in my pocket, I walked to his window... trying to explain to that man about my problem...

The man stopped me and said something like, "I am here to pick up my daughter. She could speak better English..."

So the daughter arrived, we spoke, they put me into their car, and, we drove on...

The next problem we had to face was...

Although the town is neither small nor big.... where exact was I going?

I tried to recollect myself...

I thought of something that might be or might not be useful... a landmark that might be or might not be a landmark...

I said, "I remember a building with the word 'Floral' writing across."

So, all three of us, in the dark, and, perhaps, in rain, riding in the car... cross the dark forest... looking for Floral....

We kept on driving but did not spot it... and we kept on driving till we reached the next town...

So we turned around... with them accompanying me patiently looking all over again for Floral....

So we found that building and I asked them to drop me at the entry of the driveway towards the residential area... for I thought... I have troubled them enough...

So they dropped me there...

So I walked on... not even sure whether that was the place to be dropped off while trying to recall the turns they might have made the day they brought me to their house....

So, with my "peripheral" memory, I made one turn, two turns, and far more turns until the final turn when I was supposed to see something like a red light.... and so I saw....

I rang the bell...

The daughter answered...

The parents were still out having their horse feast...

I sat down on my sofa bed...

I was, for the first time during the whole 9 yards, in shock... 8-O lol

So she brought me a bottle of red wine.... I must have down it like there was no tomorrow...

I crashed...

In the middle of the night I woke up again... still in shock and not understanding how I made it back....

So, just when I started to type out what I really experienced in reality, I came to realize that... far more scarier is reality to life.... 8-O lol

By the way, at some point in the dream, I remember myself worrying about them three doggies not on leash might go wondering around and get lost...

How you might have this piece analyze... so they say... it is up to the device of your own mind....

For me, perhaps, the message is that... even in the most impossible situation... follow your intuition and trust the goodness in people... for when we look for the goodness in the others... even more goodness will be revealed.... even though, the goodness of people could only carry you so far... the last mile is yours to walk...

Also, expect not all under the Myst to be uncovered at once... rather... look for one resolution at a time...

At the same time... did I get lost? To be honest, I did not really get lost for... how could one get lost when one doesn't know anything about the place at all? 8-O lol

Then, I thought of da forest... I thought of this quote from Dante's Divine Comedy that I read earlier today...

In mezzo del camin di nostra vita

Mi ritrovai per una selva oscura

Che la diritta via era smarrita

E quanto a dir qualera e cosa dura

Questa selva selvaggia

In the midpoint of this journey that is our life

I found myself passing through a dark forest,

The right path through which had disappeared

And what a hard thing it is to speak of that savage forest

And, of course, me da professional lost soul in limbo.... except for... what did I lose, what have I lost and how am I supposed to prepare myself for the future?

Gift? 8-O

I have been working very hard on trying to catch up with my class readings... and finally got done with this book titled Inner Work.

It was not like I had preferred to be playing scrabble night and day whenever I had free time rather than doing my reading...

Rather, some part of me had told me that it was not yet time and I have to put these books down until the time is ready for the contents of these reading might get my alternative selves to much room to roam....

Then, it was about 2-3 weeks ago when I got the OK from... what you might call intuition or even delusions to start reading the Art of Possibility....

Then, afterwards, I started to go through the chapters in this book titled Inner Work... a book about using dreams and active imaginations to tap ourselves into the unconscious...

While reading this book, especially the part about Active Imaginations, I couldn't help but wonder... how on earth would people try to put themselves into a state that I could escape not...

For me, what is being described in them scenarios are synonymous to my delusions and hallucinations...

At the same time, the concept of having multiple selves residing in one is one I have long pondering about....

Regarding listening to the unconscious speak... didn't I postpone the readings all the way up till 2-3 weeks ago when my voices told me that it is time to start doing so?

Then, I realized... perhaps, it is a gift... in disguise... while others, presumably, have to try so hard to tap into their unconscious thought, my delusions and hallucinations simply spring up left and right on their own schedule .... 8-O lol

What delight? 8-O

Found this song "On my own" by Patti Labelle and Michael McDonald from the mid 80s...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVvsWiT6ous

and...



Geez... now I understand why the Cellist Gaspar Cassado would say to his students, "I'm so sorry for you; your lives have been so easy. You can't play great music unless your heart's been broken."

And... why Zander felt secretly delighted when this student of his was in dire straights because he lost his girlfriend.... "Now he would be able to fully express the heartrending passion of the song in Schubert's Die Winterreise about the loss of the beloved"..... (The Art of possibility, p. 31)



8-O lol

Can't stop wondering though... did anyone ever feel it cut like a knife for losing me? 8-O

And, who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

And... I know I am not the only one...

Perfect game

Despite the fact that there is usually nothing happening in my head the whole day, this thought of perfect game came up again to my mind...

So I thought....

Life itself is the perfect game... perhaps this is what Frankel was speaking of....



8-O

12 Angry men

Gotten home, I turned on the TV.... found "12 Angry Guys" being played on Channel 13.... while logging on to my email to see whether that old jackass of mine responded to my email... to make it a posthoc Proper breakup.... 8-O lol

Nope... my email might have gone into the ether of the Internet like before....

While, funny enough, the first time he tried to contact me back long after our relationship went into the ether was the night when I went with this friend of mine to see "12 Angry Men" on Broadway....

Regardless, past is past and present is present...

However tempting it might sound... the whole getting things processed thing... I supposed... just like how stocked up my room is... there is always space for more....

Another one of da 99% phenomena....



"I don't know what this song is about. When I was writing this I was going through a divorce. And the only thing I can say about it is that it's obviously in anger. It's the angry side, or the bitter side of a separation. So what makes it even more comical is when I hear these stories which started many years ago, particularly in America, of someone come up to me and say, 'Did you really see someone drowning?' I said, 'No, wrong'. And then every time I go back to America the story gets Chinese whispers, it gets more and more elaborate. It's so frustrating, 'cos this is one song out of all the songs probably that I've ever written that I really don't know what it's about, you know."- Phil Collins

Tiramisu

Before I got out today, I was told something like....

"You should have cleaned up your room before you go out because you might be able to pick up a guy at the bar tonight..."

I responded....

"Nobody gonna be coming to my place the way it is.... It would have to be me going to his place...." 8-O lol

So, I spent some time at the bar, doing the regular not doing to much kinda thing... and forgot all about the picking guys up kinda thing....

Back home I came... and saw that friend of mine who made the comment of the picking up thing...

I looked at him and said, "Where was the guy who was supposed to pick me up?"

"Maybe you are looking for the wrong guy to pick you up..." So I was told...

"Maybe the guys is at a wrong bar..." So I might have replied....

Then, I thought to myself....

I am a professional bar girl.... How come I never encounter guys who want to pick me up at the bars? See... nobody ever said to me... "Hi, there... here comes my pick up line...." 8-O lol

Or... could there have been guys who tried to pick me up just I had no idea that they were trying, me, to pick up unless them media have depicted the concept of picking people up in the bar wrong? 8-O lol

Then, I thought... interesting question.... how does one ever know that someone is trying to pick him or her up?

Perfect game

So... after my exercise in the park last night... as I was walking back to Broadway... this thought occurred to me... perfect game...

What the whole project on the ancient yet expensive Microsoft software programs represents is a perfect game....

It is as purposeful and as meaningless as any other transaction I have ever conducted except for, consciously or unconsciously, I chose to blow up the meaningless part of its features... without ever going back to check my assumptions...

While meaning... logo... a product of abstraction granted to my human fellow.... all interpretations are real and unreal....

What is real? The constipation brought forth by the 600 mg Seroquel... that is real....

By the way, I heard from some source that if one doesn't poop in the morning, one could be carry about 6 bls worth of shit load the whole day... this is why, I guess, I am so very... full of shit... 8-O lol (Just don't ask me how they came up with the estimation.... lol)

Mental models

When my mental health condition was starting to go down south back a couple weeks ago, my shrink suggested me to keep track of the occurrences and severity of my psychotic symptoms, for instance, the auditory hallucinations, the delusions, and the bodily kinda hallucinations such as involuntary kinda movements.

At that point, I must have stared into his eyes and said something like...

"But it is just the chi moving...."

There goes the bodily kinda hallucinations out of the checklist....

Speaking of mental models.... 8-O lol

So I lived on for a couple more of weeks... doing that letting the body move itself kinda exercise whenever I could find time and taking my 600 mg Seroquel nightly like a good girl...

Recovery takes its toll in time and seldom did I screw myself up like before... (at least that is what I thought...)

Yet, I guess... sort of like familiarity builds contempt... comforts begets them doings wrong...

So I got to work yesterday morning....

Since I was the only person there and since I knew there were laptops to be set up for the afternoon class, I slowly started the process of setting them equipments.... which I haven't done for the longest time....

Did I ask for help?

Nope..

I thought I could do it... as long as I take it slow....

After all was set... I sat down monkied around for a bit before I went back to this project involving filing the Microsoft software programs...

The task was absolutely simple and straight forward....

Inputting the software info into the database and put the physical copies of them in order....

Shortly after I started, I somehow stepped on the surge protector and shut all equipments down.

"Idiot!"

So I must have cursed out while turning all things back on...

Not much longer again...

Damned... how did I step again on that surge protector again and screwed how I have had the computer set up again!

"Idiot!"

Again, so I must have, to myself, cursed out...

It was a long and tedious process... that has been going on since last week...

Filing them expensive old original Microsoft software all the way back in the 1990's.... 8-O

Then, I started finding myself getting more and more impatient....

I started murmuring to myself....

"This has to be the last set of old Microsoft to be found. If I see more Microsoft, I am gonna kill myself....."

Them old Microsoft Select in Burgundy, Blue, Orange.....

I saw no meaning to it.... no one is going to get them patches for Window 98...

I saw no purpose in it... what is the point of reorganizing them all to be put to shelf?

Gradually, the sense of discontent started to build up and build up and escalated like there was no tomorrow...

Until, finally, my coworker got in... and, to her, I exploded...

"How did you have not given me all the Microsoft that you found that are unfiled? Don't you know how hard it is for me to finally got them all done only to find.... bla bla bla bla bla bla... bla bla bla bla bla..."

She tried to speak... I put her to a stop...

She came back from inside of the office after a while... I was still all edgy with my mind set that she is all that to be blamed...

I found myself about to explode about working so hard on the greatest of nothingness of all....

It was then when I said...

"I gotta step out for a smoke..."

Finally I got to the outside and lit that cigarette of mine...

Only to find that...

The body was moving at a pattern far different than them leisure movements of smoking time...

So I stood under the sun, right by the sidewalk, letting the chi guiding the bodily movement..... while coming to a realization that....

How did I, again, miss them signals?

The past had me taught that, when I go over the capacity of my body, the circulation of chi started from getting disturbed in the body and eventually leads to the disturbance of flow in the head.... and this is the time when I get myself into conflicts for no good cause!

The past had me taught and I have generously let go of the lessons learned...

I stood there letting the body move itself some more.... and....

I saw clearer and clearer how I had mistakenly using my coworker as the target to vent the fiery chi rather than swinging them out of my body.....

I saw clearer and clearer how it had nothing really to do with them software programs, Microsoft or not....

It was simply... the chi built up and where it tends to get stuck got stuck... and to me... it is the whole back and the head.... 8-O lol sigh...

Then, I walked back to the office... in a hurry...

Before I even sat back down to my coworker, I apologized to my poor baby girl for my venting on her... absolutely uncallful... and we talked it over--- issue resolved...

It was not much later did I come to the realization that...

Now my head is clear...

Now the chi is starting flowing....

And, now the nerve pains are back....

And, now the whole back hurt.... the same way it hurt all those times before...

So I took an Alleve and it sent me walking in the cloud.... and it allowed me to stay till the end of the working day till I was able to finally make it back to the park to do them exercises of mine...

The trip between the office and the park was not too much of a pleasant one...

I went back to the way I was....

I had to come to a stop whenever the spasm hit and the pains aggravated... so I walked and stopped... revisiting the usual ritual....

Arriving at the park, I let the body do its own thing and let it reset my bodily condition at its own pace.....

Over an hour later, as I was getting out of the park, already was I feeling much better though da stopping routine remained needed....

So I thought to myself again....

Now I have the mental model about how it works...

Why is it so hard for me to catch myself so that the whole cycle doesn't recapitulate itself?

At the same time, I pondered... how might have the others interpreted what had happened based on their mental models? In their eyes, how did the stories unfold?

Manhattan blocks

I missed the free shuttle at 1:40 that goes from Columbia University to the medical campus this afternoon by 1 minute....

In order for me to get to see my shrink on time... a logical alternative would be for me to take either the subway or the bus... if not... taxi...

Yet, I took it to the road... for... 50 something blocks... nowadays... I could walk... in addition to saving me the 2 dollars bus fare in the era of global economic down turn... (8-O lol)

So I walked... sometimes uphills, other times downhills and, at times, on flat road... from 116th to 168th street... a total of at least 52 Manhattan blocks.... took me a good hour or so...

While moving steadily on my two feet... jaywalking at times when opportunities knock... the memories of the past came flashing back....

How many times did I miss the closing hours of the New York Public Library while attempting to hurry to no avail across the street?

How long did it last for a Manhattan block to take me 4-5 minutes to cover--- perhaps much longer shall there be hills involved?

Then, to the never ending moments of memories flashing back I thought...

Such shall be the indication of my physical disability invoked PTSD....

So they sang...

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
'Relax,' said the night man,
'We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!'

Proper

When I went hanging out at the bar last night, I bumped into this lady who I have met a few times at the joint...

I listened to her story and tried to approximate her dasein by drawing references from my own past...

In essence, the story is about breaking up from a relationship....

At some point, this question I asked....

"Why are you still so angry when you don't want to take him back?"

Hearing these words out of my own mouth, I came to the realization that..... the question is no more directing to her than to myself....

So I sat there staring aimlessly at the happy people....

So I, myself, asked.....

"Is anger still eating me alive?"

"How would I know?"

"Why would I still be in anger if I don't want him back?"

So, I stared towards the direction where this ex of mine and I once were... the space was now occupied by two young girls sipping their beers...

Yet, in my mind, I saw da J from Hell and I drinking Apple Martini celebrating... sort of... our engagement....

Were we happy?

Ya, we were...

Were we mesmerized?

Absolutely....

I also vaguely recalled how the bartender then told us how something was supposed to be done in a certain way otherwise it would be bad luck.... perhaps... how the other thing she prepared for us was supposed to be drunken.... though I don't quite remember...

I ordered an Apple Martini before stepping down to have a smoke... aside from where we once stood... when he told me never to doubt his love and affection....

Then, I looked away...

Somewhere there.... he kneed down in the middle of the road... to me, proposed...

So, I let the old movie play.... watching the memories of the past replayed... wondering how all these might have made an impact on the future thereafter which has, so far, unfolded....

Back to the bar, I sat there pondering about the visions of the past...

I stared at the green fluid occupying the large glass....

I took a sip.... and the following quote emerging in my mind....

The Hindu saint Sri Aurobindo once said, "Why is it that when people begin to relinquish the world, the first thing they relinquish is common sense?" Inner Works P. 109

From then on, no longer was I staring at these two girls a la bar...

I was staring into the past....

And... I thought again to myself...

Am I still angry?

What would I do shall he be right in front of me?

The imaginations spoke in a far succinct fashion then words....

So I saw...

Slap him in the face and slap some more... kick him in the balls and once more... doing a few more of them Tai Quan Do kinda side, front, and back kicking some more.... (oops... loving intention... zen moments... 8-O lol)

To myself I thought...

I guess I am still angry...

Then, I pondered again....

Why am I still in anger even though I don't want him back?

And... like what the acquaintance had put it... why do I continue to feel the pain although I no longer want that once-upon-a-time the object of affection?

Could it be that I am but addicted to da sense of emotional arousal resulting from the suffering?

Could this be a simple demonstration of operant conditioning?

Or, could it be that... he just disappeared from my life and I just lived on as if he never existed though the unprocessed past holds their original space which I have been carrying on my back unwittingly all these times?

So, waking up this morning and after all these years, I sent him an email with something like...

"I realized that we never broke up properly"....

Only to be questioned by a friend of mine later that... what accounts for a proper breakup?

.... while waiting for a reply stating.... "we broke up years back" from a man to whom I will not go back....

Perfect game

Perfect games remain to be a strange concept to me.... because it takes our sitting through all these moments of nothing happening all the way towards the end before we know the game is perfect in some sense.

This reminds me of the fact that... so many a day... I won't know why exactly a day unfolds until the morning after....

Inner world

So... I got home... did my exercise....

Then, I set it up so that the clips of my swinging activities show on one corner of the screen while the other corner, clips of them classic music....

Paying no mind to either of them, I continued to read through this book I have to catch up with titled... "Inner work".... going through the chapters concerning dream analyses and the uncovering of the unconsciousness...

And... I tried to draw references from the texts to understand the dreams I woke up from this morning...

As I took a break and went to the John...

This voice to me spoke...

"Go cook your dinner...." oop... 8-O lol

So the voice commend... so I went to cook myself some asparagus and meat.... 8-O lol

Swinging playlist

When I was back in Taiwan, my doctor told me that the simple act of leaving the clips running on the computer (without paying attention to it) could help the chi to circulate better....

This is an idea that has been lingering in the back of my mind but I never made myself leaving the clips running until today...

So, I was at work and decided to start doing the leaving my swinging videos running thing...

Could the benefits be realize?

I have no idea.... since there is only one me....

Even if there is another me in the parallel universes, it might be sort of difficult for us to exchange information about the outcomes of running and not-running the video clips in the background..... 8-O lol

Mental model

I grew up thinking that conductors conduct with their hands....

Then, I came across this clip on youtube.... Bernstein apparently was conducting using his facial expressions....




Speaking of a bleach in my mental models...

Water Crystal

They say it is never a good thing to be feeling negative....

Guess this is why I feel like to strangle people who makes me wanting to strangle them... oops... only human and can't helping being a b from hell... oops... zen moment... loving intentions... 8-O lol 8-X

Following is a clip about the outcome of exposing water to messages with positive and negative connotations... something I learn in class...

Positive & Negative Energy Effects on Water Crystals


Mozart "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik"
Beethoven "Symphany No. 9"
Dvorak "From the New World"

Circle

I found this funny clip about the unknown....



While watching the animation, I could not stop seeing myself as the circle.... remember how it used to drive me crazy about the body moving itself kinda thing (e.g., Belief )? 8-O lol

Or, perhaps, the simple fact of being who I am?

Rabbit Hole

In class this week, we watched a video titled "What the bleep do we know."

This movie is supposed to have something to do with spirituality and quantum mechanics....

Unfortunately, slow as I am.... I couldn't quite understand the key points of the movie after I watched it for the first time....

Quantum mechanics itself... for instance... was something I learned over a decade ago and must have returned what I learned back to the teachers long long time ago.... 8-O lol

Then, I sat through the legendary Dr. Hans Bethe's three lectures online....

I got the quantum physics part of the ideas but could still not figure out how anything about quantum physics could have anything to do with the message they try to deliver through the movie...

Then, through youtube, I found a redux of 3 movies, including segments of the movie "What the bleep do we know"......

I watched over the redux again and had the feeling that... I am getting a bit closer to understand what the bleep is what the bleep.... 8-O lol




Please visit the following to see the playlist itself... which includes 16 video clips...
http://tw.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=3B9E22E2A26AB5C3

Quantum mechanics

I tried to do some reading about the Quantum mechanics thing for two reasons....

Quantum physics seems to be something that kept on popping left and right these past few months....

In the class I am taking....

In the chi kong kind of exercise I do...

It is a term so very scary... Quantum mechanics or Quantum physics....

Then, I tried to read about it online....

And... again I came to the conclusion... thank God that I have assumed myself to be Parsifal.... 8-O lol

Food

After class this morning, I went down to the park to do of my exercises....

10 minutes or so after I started, I found the moments stalled... something told me that I had to make the remaining 20 minutes to go get myself something to eat before starting to work....

I guess, to the parts of my body and mind that I have no control over, food is more important than exercise.... 8-O lol

Food... food... food...

So many a time these past few weeks if not months has the word "food" be the pronouncing auditory hallucination that won't stop repeating itself until I finally put food in my mouth....

So many a time, I would have to tell that auditory hallucination that....

"Do me a favor... can you please stop repeating yourself like a broken record? I have gotten our food and I just need to get back to the office." 8-O lol

Does it work or not... can't quite recall.... will try though for next time to see whether it works... lol

Then, today, after I got home, I did some "cooking."

For the longest time and for all these years, when I cooked, what I do essentially is to use my hands to break veges into smaller pieces, sometimes adding noodles and a egg.... Ending the process by putting all ingredients together into a pot of water and let all boil together... 8-O lol

After I got back from Taiwan, it remained to be the one and only cooking technique until when my body and mind started to tell me that... time to be psychotic again.... or time for my mental health condition to start deteriorate again...

I guess, this time, my body and mind decided to let me go through the process on the outside.... other than giving me the instruction to up the dosage of Seroquel all the way up to 500 and 600 mg from 200 mg... my body and mind made a point of making me eating well on the outside...

So there has to be protein... so I would be told to eat meat if not fish...

So there has to be veges... a whole range of veges I have to eat in addition to collard green...

So there has to be Vitamin C... so there has to be something included from the fruit family...

So there has to be at least 2 meals for at times I might miss breakfast when in a hurry.

So I ate guided by the order given by my auditory hallucinations and delusions.... 8-O lol

In addition, like what I said to my psychiatrist one time, I tried to match my diet as close to the food they provide in the hospital as possible.... for the amount of food and drug I consumed seem to mark the primary differences between being in the outside and the inside.

So, tonight, I decided to make things more fancy...

I stirred fried my collard green and asparagus with smashed fresh garlic... and I even used a knigh to cut the garlic open and to deskin it....

Thereafter, I cooked a piece of Salmon and beef with Teriyaki source.

And... I ate.... ate with a extreme sense of pride.... although both the fish and meat are blackened or "burnt" because...

Ya... as of yesterday, I could simply put veges, fish and meet all together in the pan... if not putting all in the same pot...

Today marks the first time in my life to be cooking a meal that involves more than one step and using Teriyaki source for myself....

Today, I cooked them separately.....

Then, I thought... what a benchmark in my life it is...

Then, I thought... how wonderful me a Parsifal to be.... to be so very genuinely proud of something--- to the others, nicht.... 8-O lol

And, I thought... didn't seem to be so much more work... why did not take all these years for me to come to this stage? 8-O lol

unknown

Recently, I start to listen to some of them things called classical music.... something I have the least idea about... 8-O lol

Well... I have heard quite a bit of arias in various opera during my party era at an opera joint....

The remaining of them classical music thing.... when comparing with the Lion King... I guess I chose to see the Lion King.... 8-O lol

Then, this friend of mine took me to a concert featuring a program starting from the creation and ending with Apocalypse....

Then, this book I am reading is written by a conductor and his ex-wife.... which mentioned many a piece of classical music...

So... on youtube, I was able to locate many of them pieces that are classical.... and eventually landed on the following clip when browsing through the work of the late master cellist "Rostropovich" whom I had never heard of until I arrived at page 124 in the book titled the Art of Possibility....



The title of the 21-second-long clip was "Rostropovich Screws Up Beethoven Sonata"....

So, the first time I played it....

I went....

first... "Where did he screw up?"

And... "What exactly does it sound like 'Beethoven Sonata'?"

After I played the clip many more times, I gave up trying to understand where exactly Master Slava made a boo boo.... for it is really difficult to pick up the wrongs in unknown.... 8-O lol

Then, I decided to go check out the comments people made about the clip..... among them, I found someone else asking the same question.....

1. WuShell: where exactly is the error?
   poinkinha: i didn't get whts the error o___o and, whtever it is, it didn't screwed up, huh?
   nazhiitoxx: hear from 0.9 to 0.12 and you will see the mistake, but is very very little
   
2. cgd147: where did he go wrong?
   tcornellvln: around :12/:13

So I went back again focusing on what went on between 9-13 seconds.... and I realized that he did sort of stopped at some point...

Guess that was where he went wrong.... while, when focusing on figuring out the wrong of the unknown, I finally got to see the plausible wrong but the Sonata remains, to me, unknown.... 8-O lol

Great lesson to myself, I thought... owing it to the mastro...

At the same time, to myself I thought.... the burden of people who know the music a bit too well to be catching that 1 second..... 8-O lol

No wonder... my ignorance is a bless... and so I pray to God.... may you Parsifal be fully covered.... 8-O lol

Imaginary world

One thing I learned so far about my disordered thoughts is that...

I am my own worst enemy because it takes me to construct an imaginary world about unfounded expectations.... no one else to blame... unfortunately...

As I have mentioned before.... such an imaginary world does have an impact in real life... such as the full time position that I had at hand which I lost.... because I thought I told the president of the school that I could not make it to work "telepathically" while I didn't realize until much later that.... the message apparently was lost somewhere in the ether.... 8-O lol sigh...

In addition, I just could not shake this unfounded feeling that, somehow, some people are accessing my private blog without me granting them the access.... Crazy does crazy does... I guess... 8-O lol


A quote from the Art of Possibility by Zander & Zander
'Nature makes no judgment. Human do. And while our willingness to distinguish good and evil may be one of our most enhancing attributes, it is important to realize that “good” and “bad” are categories we impose on the world--- they are not of the world itself.'
P. 105

Mendelssohn 'Italian' Symphony No.4 - 1st mvt. p. 143-145

Back to Time Square

Today marks the first day I got back to Time Square in my own usual way since over a year ago....

It doesn't mean that I have not stepped into Time Square since my accident last June.

The matter of the fact is that.... every time I go hanging out with this friend of mine, we would start our night of bar or restaurant hopping on the East Side and gradually move towards the West side where we say night night....

What I meant is that....

I walked around like all other people and could even walk pass other pedestrians in Time Square so as to catch one of them Broadway shows....

It must have been at least an year and half ago when I last visited Time Square my ordinary way... hopping from one box office to the next looking for them discounted tickets... standing or sitting...

And, believe me, through out the time when I was busy managing my pains and struggle to move more steps without coming to a stop.... the last thing I had in mind was to attend any events unnecessary to my daily living....

So, with the discounted tickets I got through the school, I finally got to see the Lion King....

So I saw the lions, the lionesses, the giraffes, the birds, the hyenas, the warthog, the meekest and the monkey.... dancing and singing....

Coming out from the show and as I was waiting for M 104 to arrive, to myself I thought... them hyenas are nasty....

And... one more thing done for my return to New York.... visiting Time Square the way I was and had Lion King watched....

About selfish

Selfish I thought of today and many other days...

Then, as I continued to move through the chapters in "The Art of Possibility"... I landed today on the passages concerning "Being with the way things are."

"Being with the way things are calls for an expansion of ourselves. We start from what is, not from what should be; we encompass contradictions, painful feelings, fear and imaginations and--- without fleeing, blaming or attempting correction..... We learn to soar, like the far-seeing hawk over the whole landscape" P. 111

How true is it...

At the end of the day, nothing grander than simply being with the way things are....

I am a psychotic Parsifal still sort of physically disabled....

When winds from all directions blow... swing with it and, with its departure, forget the dasein moments and move on...

And, it is almost time for me to move on and come out of a state exclusively for recovering purposes...



And, yes, so I feel.... it is almost time from me to come out of the shell...

Don't know how much longer it is going to take... yet... the time is almost there....

Selfish

When I went to see my shrink today, I said it.... something that has been lingering in my mind all these times...

How selfish I am....

Living a life focusing on nothing more but the healing of my self....

Seeing nothing grander than putting my self together... in all capacity.

Operating not on what is expected of me (or the shoulds) but what I could do to patch myself together back in one piece...

What about a career or wealth that could bring forth contributions to... say... people who me care such as my family?

But, nope...

Like what I heard when going to bed the other day....

The voice said... "Take care of your health" for there is nothing grander than being in good health and nothing could worth all that much without health....

My daily goal in practice.... getting my health together in all capacity....

All else.... forgotten in split seconds...

Guilty... am I.... perhaps, for being so selfish....

State report

If you ask me how I am doing recently....

Nothing really different from how I have been....

Totally insane kind of sane....

Plus...

Strange night time programs... 8-O lol sigh...

Scary music 8-O

Went to a concert today..... strange program I gotta say.... from the time of creation to the Apocalypse....

Darius Milhaud - La Creation Du Monde (1923) Part 1


Olivier Messiaen Quatuor pour la fin du Temps (VI)

自發功

Some information I found on wikipedia about exercises like what I do everyday...

Not quite sure whether this is really what I do though since the only thing I know about what I do is just do it and, in terms of stopping.... I stop when I feel it is time to stop.... 8-O lol

Doesn't quite matter as long as I feel the body is getting better...

http://zh.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E8%87%AA%E7%99%BC%E5%8A%9F

People in the following clip seem to be more sure about the fact that they were practicing 自發功...

My private blog

I have started a new blog, Ratology at Heal, that is private to the invitees only. This blog will contain contents for my personal growth only in my chaotic state of being that still requires more time to reveal more of its unfolding....

This blog is nothing more than the journal of my random thoughts etc.... The contents are not all that different from what I have written in both Ratology Reloaded and Down with Meds... as a result, I don't really think there is any need for people to read more of the same mumble jumble about them sort of redundant Dasein moments of hallucinations and delusions... Nothing special...

If anyone is interested in viewing the blog.... all you have to do is to contact me and ask for access to it.....

I have not forgotten about my own words concerning keeping this blog up... and will continue to update this blog with things I learn when appropriate....

Dosage

Went to see my psychiatrist today.... told him that I have already upped my dosage of Seroquel for a few days....

Well.... gotta admit to myself that... during the time when I went back to Taiwan and came back to the States... I got myself off Zoloft and Depakote.... first time though being bad with my drugs.... 8-O lol

One minor detail to share....

Blame it not on my 氣 related exercise....

Blame it on... oops... bad girl bad girl.... shouldn't play with fire... I know... and no wonder everyone kept on telling me to be good... 8-X lol 8-X

Yet, didn't really make any difference anyways earlier on since there doesn't seem to be anything in the head most of the times.... 8-O lol

Well... I guess, the point I am trying to make is that.... in theory, once the disorder is formed... conventional treatment is still needed in addition to the exercises... so the experts say...

City of Desire

I have always loved the writing of Italo Calvino.... especially the story about Zobeide, a City of Desire, in the book "Invisible Cities"....

To cut the story short.... following is the retell of the story based on what I remembered...

A bunch of men dreamt of a woman running naked through a town. All of them started a journey looking for that city to no avail...

Some of them met with each other and decided to build the city up themselves based on what they remember.... and also included mechanisms to trap that naked woman....

Other men with the same pursuit came and recognizes how some part of the city resembles what they saw in the dream... So.... they stayed and joined in to build and modified the city of dream...

So the city underwent a constant (re)building process based on the piece meals of recalls--- without a blueprint...

At some point, some people with no idea about that naked woman wondered in to the city.... and they went....

"Jesus Christ.... what a ugly city...." 8-O lol

Then I thought.... the building of Zobeide, a City of Desire... the building of delusions....

氣功 psychosis

Before I went to see the rehab doctor, my dad took me to see an energy healer...

So it was on a, I think, Sunday afternoon, when she told us to meditate even though I am still not quite sure what meditation means...

Anyway, before we all start, she reminded us something like the following.... "sometimes you hear voices and see visions.... just leave it along because they are but illusions or hallucinations."

Thereafter, I started to see my rehab doctor, I started doing the exercises, I also started hearing all kinds of things as well while I was doing my exercises... as you could see in postings from the past few months....

Then, one day, as I was reading about 氣.... I also came across this term "氣功 psychosis"..... which apparently was an official term in DSM....

Then, I thought... this might have something to do with them voices that came up while I was doing them exercises....

As I was coming back home from the park this afternoon..... I thought to myself....

"How lucky I am to be, of no doubt, a psychotic!"

If the theory holds true and if both my body and mind could undergo the process of reparation..... and... if I could come out of it in one piece....

I might have to owe it to the fact that I am 100% convinced of.... I am psychotic.... Thank God! 8-O lol

I am not trying to make it sound like 氣功 kind of practice is bad for you. On the other hand, I have been recommending people to find good teachers for themselves and start doing the 氣功 practice.

However, the moral of the lesson... this is why one needs to have a good master on one to mentor... for instance, for students like me...

I know I am getting better.... just need more work....

And, concerning my mentor.... I have had or have a good one...

That dear head of mine

I went back to the 200 mg Seroquel last night.... having the feeling that I should have a good night sleep...

I was right.... I must have slept for a good 11 hours or so.... 8-O lol

The symptoms were at a fairly low level even though I could still observe them self-referencing kind of ideologies.... yet... to hell... here come... there goes...

Of course, symptom level went higher when I went to church.... hearing these words over and over again.... see no nothing hear no nothing.... blah blah blah....

That voice that went like broken record when I was exercising? Forgot....

不知者無罪

Confucius said, "知知為知知, 不知為不知, 是知也."

In other words, the art of knowing has two parts.... acknowledging both what you know and what you do not know.

Just when I was about to think of my own idiocy... this thought came to me..

不知者無罪 or... it is not your crime not knowing what you did not know....
As long as you adhere to the "知知為知知, 不知為不知, 是知也" principle.

之乎者也 lyrics

Guess this why when "I don't know" I just say "I don't know"... 8-O lol

Another one of my 99.999...% posting.... just so that you know... 8-O lol


之乎者也
羅大佑

作詞：羅大佑　作曲：羅大佑　
知之為知之　在乎不在乎 此人何其者　孔老夫子也
知之為不知　在在不在乎 此人何其者　寒山之子也
不知為知之　不在乎在乎 此人何其者　齊人是也

很久以前我們的祖先都曾經這麼說 很久以前我們的祖先都曾經這麼說
現在看看我們的青年他們在講什麼　哇塞∼ 但是你要想想到底你要他們怎麼做

剪刀等待之　清湯掛麵乎 尊師重道者　莫過如是也
風花雪月之　嘩啦啦啦乎 所謂民歌者　是否如是也

知知知知知　乎乎乎乎乎 者者者者者　也也也也也

很久以前我們的祖先都曾經這麼說 很久以前我們的祖先都曾經這麼說
現在聽聽我們的青年他們在唱什麼　哦∼ 但是你要想想到底你要他們怎麼做

眼睛睜一隻　嘴巴呼一呼 耳朵遮一遮　皆大歡喜也
大家都知之　大家都在乎 袖手旁觀者　你我是也

lol

The jerking around thing...

This has been happening today... as I was exercising in the park... at some point, I would find my feet, hands, and the torso started shaking and shaking involuntarily.....

If you see it in person, you might even think that I am possessed or being attacked by God knows what.... like what I used to think...

When it was happening today.... what came up in my head was.... the body is trying to let go of the chi that is blocked at around my chest area... this might have to do with all them chi that have been migrating down from my head recently....

Then, I thought.... this is the vertical version of what happened the other night when them body, arms, limbs etc just won't stop jerking around... ..... 8-O sigh

Sort of like the movements you see in this previous clip...



Imagine yourself lying in bed while your body does the above movements for the entire night without the mental model about what the hell was going on..... Don't know about you.... No wonder I went into the cuckoo cuckoo's nest thereafter.... 8-O 8-X

Sleep

Last night I went to bed at around 11:00... getting ready to wake up early to go to work....

Yet.... I laid there... couldn't get to sleep.... for might be 3-4 hours....

The occasional occurences of visions, voices, delusions and the noise from them people screaming up a storm--- one after another--- on the street....

They didn't quite help...

Worse of all.... there was nothing in my head for, I guess, the majority of time just--- damn.... I have to wake up early but why can't I get my sleep?

So... I woke up to take an extra 100 mg of Seroquel... to see whether it is going to help me sleep...

Tossing and turning around..... man... it didn't help....

Then.... I get up to take a prescription grade kinda sleeping pill.....

Somewhere in time... sleep finally sinked in... since I knew I did wake up this morning.... 8-O lol

So I think.... God... please give me a good and long sleep today..... for beauty sleep I like and need.... 8-o lol

Honest

Just came back from hanging out with some friends... with this topic of honesty brought up by me....

When speaking of honesty last night, it was more than about being honest to the others.... most important of all, it is about our ability to be honest to ourselves because that self of ours could not be fooled...

That's why, perhaps, it is all about me... or you.... the extreme of narcissism... as you might say...

Lessons learned

Honesty and not be greedy might be the answer to end it all 顛倒妄想-- delusions... illusions... etc while remaining to be who I am.... (of course, plus the meds 8-O lol)

I have wanted to be extraordinary or special up to this point.... yet... such will I learn not wanting to be....

Something I finally learned after all these months if not the whole life....

All that I could say today what I have to continue learning about while I am still sticking to my 99.999....% policy....

Perhaps....

Rethinking about them poems....

However strange it might sound.... (check the assumptions... 8-O lol)

I have the feeling that what I call as my psychosis is proud of me.... somehow... 8-O lol

OK... time for my meds and to wait in bed pondering how tomorrow morning would unfold...

Dance to...

I gotta say that I had some pretty tough kinda God knows what to call it last night after I went to bed....

I laid down trying to go to sleep.... then I knew the past is coming back...

There were not too much of "perceivable" visions, hallucinations and even delusions... other than these four words kept on going on in my head the whole time like broken record... "無量壽佛"...... Just don't ask me why....

Essentially, what I went through was what I had experienced the night before my second hospitalization....

I was laying in bed.... receiving attacks from the darkest of the demonic forces for the whole night...

Other than all of the things that went on in my head, there were all those real bodily movements... involuntary...

So for over an hour, off and on, that part of the past came back to me....

It was as if my body went into seizure.... the whole body just kept on jerking around in all different ways... so violent that the whole body actually would jump away from the bed...

So, I just laid there the whole time.... letting the body jump up and fell back down.... again, again and some more times...

At points, I could still feel in my heart the deepest sorrow and wept...

The whole time, I begged to God... "Don't let anyone be exposed to what exactly is going on..."

Yet, most of the times, there is nothing cognitively going on other than the sound of "無量壽佛" in all different ground... It was as if the chanting of "無量壽佛" is to provide me with a safe haven to go back to the past I would never want to revisit again.... It was if it is the prayer for God's mercy to spare me from trials unnecessary....

At times, I could vaguely have the vision and remembrance of the past... then, there would come this whispering.... "Let go of your cognition...."

The Dasein itself.

Other times, as I inevitably wondered whether there is a shortcut to end all these... so I heard... "There is no shortcut."

The Dasen remained real... despite of the lack of deligent cognitive processing weaving up them webs of delusions that feed on each other...

At some point, I had to make this request....

"Do me a favor... remember that I still have to wake up early to go to work...." 8-O lol

Eventually I fell asleep and slept right through the night...

Waking up in the morning, I pondered to myself.... how much more insane am I going to be... indicators being them voices and delusions?

Then I walked out of my room... into the world.... only to find...

Man... where are they--- the excessive amount of psychotic symptoms? 8-O lol

Then, I started working on them software programs the whole day.... till towards the end of the day.... observing that slow yet symptom-minus head of mine...

I couldn't help but say....

"What an insane life...."

The insane sanity of life... I guess...

After work, on my way home and later towards the park, the self-referencing kind of propensity got stronger and, at some point, this voices said, "Time to be psychotic...."

Having spotted the hawk flying past, the might have made me feel a bit more settled....

So they say... hawks watch over the small ones and I am a spring chicken (although sort of old)... so I thought... 8-O lol

So I was prepared.... come what may... let it run...

Yet, nothing unusual....

The body moved and moved slowly till there came the time when I went into this dancing kind of mode...

So I thought... "Dance to my psychosis...."

Then, I danced on and danced on... and... happier and happier with my psychosis we danced....

I was happy... Absolutely happy...

It felt calming... really calm....

And, there was nothing but joy... to feel... I guess... in sync... somehow...

Then this old poem came to my mind and in my heart I recited...

起舞弄清影 何似 在人間
轉朱閣 低綺戶 照無眠
不應有恨 何事長向別時圓
人有悲歡離合 月有陰晴圓缺 此事古難全
但願人長久 千里共嬋娟

Later on... this other poem came up to my mind...

漢皇重色思傾國 御宇多年求不得 楊家有女初長成 養在深閨人未識
天生麗質難自棄 一朝選在君王側 回眸一笑百媚生 六宮粉黛無顏色
春寒賜沿華清池 溫泉水滑洗凝脂 侍兒扶起嬌無力 始是新承恩澤時
雲鬢花顏金步搖 芙蓉帳暖度春宵 春宵苦短日高起 從此君王不早朝
承歡侍宴無閒暇 春從春遊夜專夜 後宮佳麗三千人 三千寵愛在一身
......
七月七日長生殿 夜半無人私語時
在天願作比翼鳥 在地願為連理枝 天長地久有盡時 此恨綿綿無絕期

Then... I thought... so sad... the departure.... I guess... of whatever I have been fighting all these times....

The, I heard... "Take care of yourself..."

Then, I thought... take care of yourself though let's not say "see you again"... 8-O lol

I know I am not symptom free...

I know I still need my drugs...

I know.... at the same time... the core that has been with me all these times... almost time to depart....

Then, as I felt all was quieting down....

I heard this voice... "The toughest task is still ahead when you are to be taken away what you really want."

I started to ponder and ponder....

What is it that I want? Fame, wealth, career.... or.... the worse of all things imaginable... the well being of my family?

So I said to God....

"Do no harm.... you promised me... you will keep them save and sound.... You can't hurt them.... you have to keep your promise... or..."

Walking up the hill... I could not let go that fear and the ever growing thoughts...

In Dasen, "You could never catch it..." My psychosis me spoke--- back to the ground me brought.

Arriving at home, as I was working on my dinner.... this thought, to me, occured...

"What if you are but ordinary.... nothing special...."

Reminding of them pursuits... extraordinary.... special.....

Let go....

Software

I woke up in the morning with this thought in my mind....

I am going to work on the software.... putting them in better order and getting the records straight....

So I did some recall for them babes who are out, getting the records double checked and got the bad records out, putting them in the places they belong and made many beautiful labels for those missing them....

It made me feel so very happy that they are getting the order they deserve... 8-O lol

Then, I realize...

Such must be the externalization of the universe within me.... lol

Now that... as I guess... the processing is in place to fix my head.... resetting my head to nature's order and get the records straight.... as much as possible.... 8-O lol

Then, I recalled this voice that kept on going on and on while I was doing them exercises the other day....

"無極生太極，太極生兩儀，兩儀生四象，四像生八卦，八卦生六十四卦"....

Then, at some point, it went...

"混沌初開"....

No better way to describe how I am feeling nowadays....

Absolutely clueless about no nothing except for in a state of 混沌.... lol

Yet, one question I have is.... when is the state of 混沌 going to be open up and show me them order in life? 8-O

Password

Arriving at work in the morning, I tried to get a software program installed...

Yet, I was having problem getting the password right for the second time that is needed for the installation.... 8-O lol

Then I thought... Thursday should be changed to be the Password Day because this is the second Thursday in a roll when I am running around looking for the password.

Having learned my lesson from last week's pursuit...

After the software failed to install, I checked with the boss of mine who was working on the paperwork for the software...

I, then, asked my big boss for a digital version of the password...

Thinking... now I have consulted with both sources and both types of info needed seemed to be fairly complete... I shouldn't have any problem gotten the software installed on them computers...

But, it still didn't work...

I, then, asked my coworker to try to figure it out... sorry that I also got him busy running around in circle while I, honest to God, did not know that I have shifted my running around in circle thing to him...

Finally, I mentioned to him... "I think we might not have the password yet. "

I suspected that the password might still be at the source... the company itself...

So... we all stop running around in circle looking for the password...

And, I waited patiently like a good girl for the time to come when my boss finally get the password from the Source.

Then, as I started typing this post, I thought of the message I saw this round.....

The message shown on the screen after I entered that password was something like...

"This appear to be the password for the previous version...." 8-O lol

The blog

Why do I keep on blogger... shall you ask... after I recommended against it in The blog....

It is not me.... I guess... it is my body and mind that lent myself to do it.... 8-O lol

The cycle

What cycle?

God knows... just a word coming out of my mouth....

If I am to guess... I guess it might have something to do with the healing cycle.... while the end of the cycle means nothing more the beginning of recovery.... and there will never be an absolute cure...

All that I have done in my life up to these few months, I guess, is, possibly, a constant process of preparation.... partially, aiming to prepare me to complete the cycle.... at least for this round...

This is why... all them triggering events are but triggering events.... except for, although I love the department I work for to death.... I still got a "HUGE" beef with the institution that threw me out of the window after I got disabled.... oops... zen moment... zen moment... lol

As I was finishing up my posting about them Circle last night... I paused a bit as I was typing out the sentence....

"what else in my head could be taken away other than air?"

There is apparently an essential component that is missing in all these internal dialogue...

After all them spinning around surrounding them abstract and obscure concepts, it is time to be grounded... in carne and in ozzo... facing the material world within which we reside.... such as revisiting the Dasein associated with the jobs I have never landed on in potentials and in imaginations...

So I was in some strange situation within which dialogues were "codified"... sort of like the the externalization of mine delusions in real world... 8-O lol

This is, yet, the perfect situation shall it be the missing link leading towards the completion of the cycle.... and it is the perfect test for all that I have been blah blah blah about all these times...

It is about a job while I am at work... 8-O lol

Taking all things into consideration, if what I think is true, it would be the perfect solution for the scenario.

(Now I guess you understand what I mean by codified... 8-O lol)

Then, there came this sense of great relief and happiness.... for something tells me that it is all about myself... (although I can't quite tell you what it means yet... 空: 反觀諸己)

On my way out for a smoke, I heard this voice... "Time to complete the cycle."

On my way home, I started to feel the coldness coming down through my palms...

And, later on, as I was getting down to the park, the voice officially announced, "Time for a full blown psychotic episode and the remaining is simply recovery."

and...

是福不是禍, 是禍避不過.

So I started to let the body move....

Feeling the coldness coming down throughout... while living myself in the Dasein moments of blood, death, pain, voices, delusions... etc.... and, thank God, now I sort of acquired a mental model about how them Desein moments work... 8-O lol

On my way home was the time when I was told... give it some time to let it run through before upping them dosage...

So I thought later... perhaps and hopefully, this is what they called 瞑眩反應 ..... while the coldness is still coming out...

And, this is why I thought... think I am crazy? You got me wrong.... for what an Understatement with a capital U... 8-O lol

Crazy?

Went to see my shrink today... talked about the majority of thing that have come out of my typing before plus maybe a bit more details and needed to supplement them with a bit more analysis...

So the topic about upping the dosage of my Seroquel if I continue to get into them Dasein moments through the flashback kind of feelings....

I asked to wait one more week... something tells me to do so....

At the same time, the matter of the fact is...

It doesn't really matter all that much to me these days... not like I am running at 200% processing power 8-O lol....

To be more accurate.... it is starting to feel like it is my body and "mind" that grant me the minimum amount of functionality I have--- to perform whatever tasks at stake... including holding my job (ya.... or who is gonna make them money to pay rent for the room that host "us all"... they ain't so stupid either I guess... oops... 8-O lol) and typing them words out in this blog....

Therefore... drug me on and drug me on.... especially when I am in an absolute state of cluelessness about what the hell is going on--- other than, Thank God, I know I am psychotic (what a relief).... 8-O lol

At the same time, believe it or not, as per suggestion de my voices.... it is necessary for me to get back to the state of full blown psychosis... in order for me to heal, to complete the full cycle and to move on.... Yet... if the lingering effects get too annoying... I should simply take more of them drugs since it doesn't make sense of me to experience too many of them voices and hallucinations anyway... and especially when I have been hearing this faint voice "narcotics" fairly frequently recently on and off... 8-O lol

So I thought.... you think I am crazy?

Man... you got me totally wrong... that is a such an understatement... 8-O lol

As for them dosages? Give it another 2-3 days... perhaps.... sort of like... why don't you take pain killers when the nerve pains are really bad? Idiot... 8-O lol

Am I so very out of it (of what?)? lol

Circle

All these recurrent events that seem to run so very parallel with my past experiences... to be honest... are starting to make me feel sort of like them spinning or circling activities....

Since the posting I referred to in the previous blog had occurred on Feb. 8th, about 4 days away from my getting into the ER and the psychiatric ward there afterwards....

Can't quite tell you how sane or how insane I am at this point.... other than voices have really gone down as well as delusional thoughts.... (guess it is sort of difficult for the head to generate them when not running too much and kept on getting resetting....)

Whether I could cycle out them circles.... well... one thing I am damn sure is that....

In time... the answer will unfold....

And... to hell... seeing my psychiatrist again tomorrow.... and... ya... that one I already went to see in the psychiatric ward.... 8-O lol

Thinking about it... now that much of the cognition seems to have been taken away... feel sort of sorry now to God knows what since---- sort of confused about what else in my head could be taken away other than air?

And, if it the leftover air that is wanted.... Take it... Take it... Absolutely help yourself and I can't show enough of my gratitute for it.... 8-O lol 8-X

I didn't do it

Something really strange to me happened today...

I was in a situation which made me wondered... is that "sleeping disorder" I recently acquired contagious? 8-O

Could it be true that I really have acquired some known talent through them swinging activities?

Then, I thought with a relief... even shall that be true... so what? Nature has set its policy on me... and I could do no harm.... 8-O lol

This thing... I guess I would call "intuition" came up to me...

It was not me.

Perhaps, there truly are people with "special talents".... and it is them... I didn't do it... 8-O lol

Then, I thought again... since now nature is bounded by the policy it set on me... my existence could result in no harm to anyone....

I felt happy.... and....

Hopefully, this time, the whole harm thing is not gonna ship me down to the cuckoo cuckoo's nest....

Of course, this belief that there are someone else out there.... was another belief I developed before my last institutionalization in February....

And, as I was reading the above link... for the first time did I realize that... I seem to have been doing that sleep walking through for longer than I am aware of...

Mental model

What is my mental model?

A question allowed by whatever it is called...

Witch hunt

Once every so often, as I am doing whatever I do in the park, this thought would come up to me...

Thank God I live in the modern era.... otherwise.... witch hunt?! 8-O lol

Then, I thought what the doctor had told me repeatedly.... it is all about 氣--- the vital energy that makes up the universe including you and me. It has nothing to do with ghosts, witches, spirits, Gods etc.... in the conventional sense.

What I learned recently through my hallucinations and delusions is... perhaps, it is simply about nature and the power of nature if I could call it this way.... and what I call as nature now might be what I had, once, called... God, spirit, life... etc.. I guess, naming is something that doesn't quite matter anymore for me at this point...



Another lesson the doctor could not stop reminding me was.... be good and don't try to do bad things... especially things that could get me into conflicts because conflicts beget conflicts.... manifested not necessarily in the "just in time" manner....

That brought me back to last night's experiences..

That was the experience that some other forces were trying to invade me and to attack me because they thought I had some special kind of "power".... I laid there--- having the feeling that I am all protected from all angles... with the only concern in my mind.... I have no control over anything... just do no harm....

Some recurrent theme... whenever I am approaching the gate towards the cuckoo cuckoo's nest...

It did not last long and then it ceased...

In dasein... they felt real... while, yes, they are possibly just my delusions, hallucinations, and, the chi that didn't flow quite so smoothly...

Then, as I was doing my exercise in the park this afternoon, one voice I could not shake or one thought that followed me from beginning to end was...

"Do no harm."

The matter of the fact is... well, it is for pure selfish reason... since, I have no control over anything, at least one thing I could do is to rest my faith in nature's forces... to protect me from harming the others... and, thus, myself.... (and, to be honest, at this point of time, if there is anyone I am most afraid of... it would be "myselves".... 8-O lol)

At perhaps, nature has been trying to teach me the same lessons repeatedly... except for... I just kept on missing its points...

So ends my posting on the day I saw that Mr. Hawk hovering in the sky... and, yes, its tail is red... 8-O lol

For more information about what ancient Chinese said about 氣 Chi (Qi) or Qi Kung.... feel free to check out chapter 23- QiGong by Lee, C. & Lei, T. in the book Essentials of Complementary and Alternative Medicine (Eds. W.B. Jonas and J. S. Levin).