Bird day

After a good 10 hours sleep, I got up and went to the park to do some exercises....

Don't know how long into my exercise.... at some point, I saw a blue bird flying to the tree in front of me.... whether it stopped or not, I forgot.... and, in no time, it flew away...

The only thin I remember about that blue bird is that... first, it was blue and second, it has this punk kind of hairstyle on its head... and it was black...

Then, I saw a different bird... sort of smaller than sparrow or maybe baby sparrow...

Later, I found a whole lot of a different kind of birds all around in the trees... the only thing I know about them is they are not pigeons, sparrow and the other kind of bird I often saw in the city... (it seems like the description I could give you is just getting vaguer and vaguer.... 8-O lol)

In any case, I started my day exercising in the park... hearing birds singing and flying everywhere as well as staring at them pigeons and spirals for some time.

In the middle of the day, I went to St. John the Divine, did some more of that yawning and falling asleep kind of thing...

At some point, I started to feel energy coming down from my head and moving through my body... It felt as if it were trying to do something to the left side of my head... right side of my head... and both. Towards the end, there was this feeling... sort of like all boundaries gone and also sort of like I was floating.... Then, at some point, while my eyes closed, I saw visions of light in the sky and doves flying towards me.... Of course, I also heard them voices, too... All these were interrupted by the flash light of a guy who was trying to take pictures in the church.... 8-O lol

As I got up and started to move away.... this voice came... "All these are illusions if not hallucinations." 8-O lol

Then, I went back to the park as per direction of my.... I guess what you would call... intuition...

So I exercised again...

They were not big movements but quickly got me all sweaty from head to toe.

Towards the end, I had the realization that some of them movements sort of make me feel like a fledgling bird strengthening its body while learning to fly... Possibly, these kinds of movements also help to release chi or energies fast.... whatever...

In addition, I also did my laundry and did quite a bit of food shopping for the day....

Voice-wise or thought-wise....

This thought that kept on coming to me recently also spoke up today....

It takes a psychotic and a real Fool (ya. with capital F) to live through all these days because voices are voices and delusions are delusions. At the same time, it took all them yawning and waking up to reset my head.

Whether it is true or not, we will see in time....

And, another strong feeling or thought I had for the whole day is.... "food... food....meat"....

So I got myself fruit, veges and meat.... at various points in the day...

For dinner, I got myself asparagus, meat and fruit....

One more new sentence that kept on coming up was...

"The bubble burst." (Might have to do with what one mentioned one day about them bubbles)

Then, I thought...

Perhaps today I am finally hatched... this is why I kept on wondering around looking for food... and meat.... and no wonder I used to live in the cuckoo cuckoo's nest various times... 8-O lol

One more thought that came back while I was browsing through food in a shop was... "Do no harm." Something that has the propensity to occur when I was on my way back to the nest... 8-O lol

And, by the way, them voices and delusions were not as proliferate today.... might have something to do with the feeling that I just keep on waking up.... 8-O lol (while, that intuition thing tells me... them sleeping moments are needed though, if I sleep through the day, it might make it difficult for me to sleep in the night... lol)

Sorry if there seems to be a lack of them flow in this posting.... such be the my writing under the influence of "minus cognition," I guess.... Sort of like how I used to feel when over-drugged... though I am still on the same dosage that I have been diligently taking on a daily basis...

It would be interesting though to see how tomorrow unfolds...

Defrost trial

So as I was thinking about how I am frozen from head to toe....

I decided to take a long long HOT shower and washed my hair--- and blow dried my hair plus head afterwards (hot air of course)...

Thinking... maybe that could be useful in defrosting them iceberg in my airhead.

Be it real or not... it seems to be working.... feeling as if iceberg melting.... cold air evaporating, coming out and moving down.... as long as you don't ask me to validate this statement. 8-O lol

Whether it works or not, I guess, no one ever told me to not take showers and wash hair.... 8-O lol

If this works.... perhaps time for me to get back to the gym to hit the sauna....

Can't help it...

Ok... I said I will try to not psych-anything myself.... yet, still can't help it....

The more I think about all these things that have been going on in my body and my head.... the more I wonder how much closer I might actually be towards the level of the institutionalizable kinda grade.

One thing I know is.... every time I was at the institutionalizable kind of level.... I would turn to be some wacko that speak no evil about the others and think of only good thoughts.... as a result of that delusional kinda thinking that even all things spoken in private are "recorded." (although there is no way for me to tell you whether it is a good or bad indicator for my mental health condition).

Thinking about it....

I still feel fairly comfortable bitching about people these past week or two....

Perhaps, not all that bad... just far stranger each everyday...

Yet, what do I know... at the end of the day, I am but.......

Ice age: the cracking down

Got to work early... did a bit of the software installation thing for them laptops...

Since nothing urgent to perform, I followed the direction of my body to go into the office and started doing some of my swinging thing....

Started slowly as usual... then, there came the time when I sensed this "clicking" in my neck.... something sort of ordinary nowadays since, during the movements, the neck seems to have the tendency clicking up everywhere...

If you have seen a chiropractor... you would know that click...

Then, my torso went into sort of a quieter mode... while the thing called my head which is above my neck started turning around....

From then on... I heard cracking sound here and there everywhere in my head... from left to right, from front to back, and from top to down....

You see... if this cracking sounded like from the lower part of my head, I would have assumed it as the sound originating from my cervical spine or even the breaking up of them wax in my ears...

Yet, when it goes much higher up.... aren't there supposed to be nothing but them tofu encapsulated in my skull?

So, unless the part of my brain that process sound was going out of whack, where did the sound come from?

So... it occurred to me... gees... could it be it is them 29 bones in the skull that are cracking up?

So the head and neck slowly moved while I heard crack here-- crack there-- crack crack everywhere... up to a point when I started to feeling that something in my head started to crack down.... resulting in the release of them cold and icy cold chi coming down from my head to my entire torso and limbs...

When I said it is ice cold.... it is ice cold on the inside.... and it was the absolute opposite of the experience of being a ball of fire.....

Then coldness came down so fast that it felt as if the lung, tranche and bronchi have also been frozen... I tried to exhale yet I couldn't quite get the icy air out of my system.... and I realized that... it was so much easier to get them fiery heat out than them icy cold...

Feeling the whole person coming down to a frozen state.... I intuitively thought to myself... I need to smoke a cigarette..... somehow... it would make me feel a bit better....

It did help me to get my tranche out of the frozen state..... at least, temporarily...

Getting back to the office, not only was my body all frozen, the esophagus was getting all dried (?)...

Something told me to drink warm water and a lot of warm water.....

And, I went back to do some more of them swinging.... while, not only were the extremity of my limbs were cold.... it felt as if the coldness was coming out from all over my body.... towards the time when the coldness even gotten evaporated out of the head itself.... and, at times, it felt as if the cold actually came shooting out of my ears...

So I moved from one place to another--- in search for a warmer spot... yet such pursuit was of no use because that icy kind of coldness was being expelled from myself...

After work, I eventually arrived at the park.... where starting from the icy cold stage, I eventually started to feel the warmth in the back while in the front, still, icy cold....

At some point, the body started to circle around and around again.... as if it is trying to speed up the letting go of them cold air through them spinning around....

After a stop, my body got back to doing its moving around again....

So my body spun, spun, spun and kept on spinning.... faster, faster and even faster.... Before my eyes, I saw no trees, no park, no building and no nothing anymore.... as usual, all that I saw were horizontal lines.... piling up on top of each other.... as a result of the speed...

Then, I heard this gentleman's voice, "Are you OK?"

Amazingly, I heard how I had responded to him with my own usual voice while kept on spinning around in high speed....

"Yes, I am fine. Thank you." 8-O lol

And, I kept on spinning.... till it was time to finally slow down and stop... and maybe started doing them circling or spinning around again till it ended.

If you ask me what is most memorable during today's spinning activities and how it differs from the other days....

It is that icy cold that descends from my head down to the rest of my body....

At certain point, as I was spinning around, it felt as if there are ice tubes going from my forearm down my palm.... while them icy air tried to escape through my hands.... the new just kept on, from my head down, descend....

In addition, as the cold air started to come down, I found my body to start being in pain and in aches....

At that point, this term that had been hunting me for all these times resurface.... "Psychosomatization."

This is the best demonstration of psychosomatization.... and they have been right all these times.

When the frozen chi finally gets to be relief from my wacko head, it descended from the head and the body takes the hit.... trying its best to shake them icy cold chi off.... trying its best....

Then I though of what the doctor told me months ago.... Preparations.... and, Preparations ,

Then I though of all the ups and down that had happened since then as well as how my body had gradually come to spin at such speed.... preparation....

(And, as long as you don't ask what is preparing for what.... )

Then I thought how the voices and my intuition have been telling me that it is about time to start fixing my head...

Then I thought of this voice and thought that keep on whispering in my head these week or two...

冰凍三尺非一日之寒....

sort of like... it took more than one day's chill to result in the freezing ice that is three feet deep... or Rome is not built in one day.

And, I thought...

Perhaps, it is true that all things have a reason....

How I am going to be tomorrow and the next few days.... there is no way to predict except for waiting till then...

Yet, perhaps, without the ups and downs these 2 weeks or so, I won't be able to get to a point when my head started to crack down... for possibly, with them daily exercises getting a bit too habitual, my body won't be strong enough to take them icy cold....

As for them yawning etc moments.... perhaps, some part of the bad chi in the head is much easier to evaporate.... while other parts are just too resilient.... sort of like the ice that has been build up in the freezer a my casa.... (if you have seen it.... you would understand.... lol)

And, how funny life is....

It was yesterday when googling about my yawning did I read something like the following.... bad chi could be manifested as coldness in the hands and feet..... How would I have known otherwise.... 8-O lol

And, if it were true that the thick ice is really cracking down in that air head of mine 8-O lol, perhaps I really have been really head strong.... 8-O lol

Yawning and sleeping awake

I don't know why but I seem to be stuck with this yawning and feeling as if I am sleeping kinda thing...

Sometimes I would even be wondering to myself... what kind of sleeping kinda disorder is that?

So earlier in the day yesterday, I asked the master to whom I am still owing beef jerky (Confucius said that he would teach anyone who came with them jerky) 8-O lol

My master said he has to get back to me about it.

Later in the day, as usual, I was yawning and falling asleep while awake...

So I got home and decided to google about them my usual strange daily phenomena.

Somewhere out there in the the world wide web I read.... tearing, yawning and sighing are ordinary phenomena people experience during 氣功 exercise. Experiencing them, what it means is that, I guess, bad chi is being expel from one's body to relief problems in the body and the head....

In addition, some have also said that yawning and the falling asleep kind of state could be an indication that one is in a state of deep relaxation such as during meditation.

Whether any of the above is true and is related to my experiences... at least one thing I know is that no where in them postings did I find statements saying them experiences are wrong...

Active directory

During my job interview, this question came up...

"Do you know Active Directory?"

I thought about it and replied with something like... "I heard about it but I don't know what it is."

Afterwards, I looked it up online...

A I was reading online the following...

An 'Active Directory' (AD) structure is a hierarchical framework of objects. The objects fall into three broad categories: resources (e.g., printers), services (e.g., email), and users (user accounts and groups).

This boss of mine came over and asked what I was doing....

I replied, "I am reading about Active Directory."

He said, "I have a tutorial about Active Directory."

Since all that I need was to get some basic sense about the technology, I told him, "Thanks but maybe later."

Yet, in no time, he came back to me with a big book and handed it to me...

I went... "Oh, my god... that's a huge book..."

Now that I got the book in my hand....

I went through the table of contents and located the chapter with the term "Active Directory" in the title.

So I scanned through it and thought.... umm.... sounds familiar...

Then, I continued to the next chapter and the next till the end of the book.... or flipping through page after page....

Essentially, what I realized after the first chapter was....

I have done the majority of tasks in them chapters before (e.g., join computers into domains, creating user account, assigning privileges to accounts, terminal services, VPN, etc).... and, for certain topics, they were even topics I discussed in the "Internet Technologies" course I taught...

Except for... I just don't know what "Active Directory" is... 8-O lol

I guess, this is sort like... I experience the thing called looking at the big bird on the tree... while what I did not know was... what is a hawk? 8-O lol

Image

After my job interview today, I went to hang out a bit for a glass of wine or two to relief the anxiety...

It was there when I met with this young lady who...

When listening to her describing herself, I could not help thinking... Man.... what kind of coincidence is that... it sounds more like she is talking about me...

It is so much of a coincidence that I could not stop wondering....

Would it be possible that people actually could understand me so well after reading my blog within which I got myself analyzed to death....

Unless... who I speak of is not merely me.... just people...

In any case, it was quite some funny experience.... and...

At some point, to the lady I thanked, "It is sounding like you are the mirror image of me because your description fits me so very well. It is as if I am in a psychotherapy session except for all words have come out of you, not even needed to come out from myself... "

The hawk

After work, I went to the park doing my every changing God knows what... (ok... my voice tell me to call it 氣功).

For reasons unknown, I stopped at a different location and start to move in however way that I am moved....

At some point, I saw a big bird resting on the tree....

To the passersby, I pointed.... "Hi, come see... there is a very big bird on the tree..."

One of the lady told me... "That a hawk. Must be looking for a rat."

I happily responded, "I am a rat. I was born in the year of the rat." 8-O lol

The lady replied, "Me as well!"

So I kept on doing whatever I was moved to do... sometimes checked out the hawk....

Then, I thought of what the professor said in class about symbols... how ravens symbolize something between life and death... (oops... sorry... it is my bad memory... it is not me...)

After I got home, about hawks I googled.... the symbolic meaning of hawks....

Somewhere I found...

Source I

Animal Symbolism – A combination of cultures

Hawk - Nobility, recollection, cleansing, messenger, observer, Solar, clarity, discrimination, inspiration, the soul.


Native American Animal Symbolism

Hawk - Awareness, Truth

Additional Native American Symbolism (many duplicates):

Hawk--Messenger of the sky, observer

Various Native American Cultures

Hawk-Strength, Foresight, Truth


Source 2

Hawk's Wisdom Includes:

1. Clear-sightedness
2. Being observant
3. Far-memory
4. Messages from spirit
5. Guardianship
6. Recalling past lives
7. Courage
8. Wisdom
9. Illumination
10. Seeing the larger picture
11. Creativity
12. Truth
13. Experience
14. Wise use of opportunities
15. Overcoming problems

Source 3

HAWK - is the messenger. IT is also about visionary power and guardianship, the hawk is very protective of the young in its nest. It teaches us about providing for family and self. Hawk teaches us to be observant and to pay attention to what we may overlook. This could mean a talent we don't use, a blessing for which we haven't expressed gratitude, or a message from Spirit. The hawk has keen eyesight, it is about opening our eyes and seeing that which is there to guide us.
Source 4

In representation to humanity, the hawk is called messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of it’s greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss.

The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground....
Source 5

1. Awareness of the Big Picture
2. Guardianship
3. Truth
4. Channeling
5. Visionary
6. Latent Power
7. Messages from the Blue Road of Spirit
8. Higher Calling
9. Illumination
10. Observation

Source 6

Hawks Traditionally used as messengers of the Gods, these swift raptors teach us to be observant and clear-sighted, to see the larger picture and react with swiftness, strength and courage. They symbolize solar energy and warrior spirit.
The funny thing is....
The last time I saw a big bird like this... don't know whether it is the same one... it was once in the winter's day... by Lerner Hall... leading the path of my life towards the cuckoo cuckoo's nest... 8-O lol
Today, insane still I am... yet...
At a point when I am going to live the phenomena as phenomena...
At a point when I am pondering about letting go of psychoanalyzing myself... for enough done... no longer my reponsibility... it was needed before, somehow.... no need any more... as long as I could refrain myself from doing so... (authorization granted by your Defectory Fool to all who want to psycho-anything me to death...) 8-O lol
At a point when I submit my life to be the Parsifal I am supposed to be... fighting all these times to be abnormally normal... now simply accept all that's normally abnormal... though I yet have to find my own version of the holly grail... 8-O lol
Think about it... what is the password? Perhaps, the password is again right within my reach... except for... I am still waiting to see when I am gonna come out from them circles...
Or, perhaps, the message delivered by the hawk was... turn that VCR off so that you could watch your TV.... like NOW.

Password

One major event I remember in the morning was the two bosses of mine working on counting some money...

One boss of mine talked about how his old way of counting them money resulted in mistakes.

The other boss of mine said, "We all are human. Human makes mistakes."

Then, the day went by...

I found myself one thing to do after another.... got myself all busy while no one told me at all to do so...

In the back of my head, I still remember the mistakes I made for two weeks in a roll...

In the heat of moment... I gradually forgot the lessons learned.... and got myself all wined up search for a "password" of a specific software...

Having installed gazillion software programs in my life... this is the first time I am asked to enter a "password"....

I asked people... I looked everywhere... I tried everything I could... in search of that "password"...

Or, more accurately, I asked everyone except for the boss sitting next to me who made the comment that "Human makes mistakes."

When I finally got to ask her... she said, "I recall I was just doing some paper work on that software"....

She tried to look and find it... yet couldn't quite locate it...

Or, before she could, someone came and another came... people coming for help...

In the meanwhile, I called up the tech support for the company... and the information provided by the tech support was just getting both me and the tech support guy more and more confused...

At some point, when all things seem to be in a big state of confusion....

"Who are you speaking with?" My boss asked.

"The tech support from the company."

"Didn't I tell you to wait?"

She pulled out the paper... where there resided the "password."

All the things going on must have gotten my head in a spin... and I heard myself raising my voice....

I sat down... finally was able to complete the installation of the software...

The body is sending me a message which I should have caught it earlier...

Recalling what I did to myself last week... I slowed down or stopped to rest... till when I felt a relative state of homeostasis...

I turned to my boss and said, "I am sorry that I had raised my voice at you."

My dear boss replied with something like... "I did not take it that way at all."

Then, the time comes to finish installing the software with the "password."

I stopped doing it myself... and talked this poor coworker of mine through the installation process...

I stayed there to make sure the unfinished installations are completed but them machines I dare not touch... especially after 5:00 o'clock...

So I said to my coworker... "It could be a superstition of mine.... yet, now I dare not touch the computers...." (call it a phobia developing in process if you wish).

Whether she understand it or not...

So I thought...

Such is the story of my life and the lesson yet to be learned...

The "password" is always by my side except for I just have to, first, running around in circle like a doggies chasing its own tail before I could finally see the "password".

And, I thought...

Thank God that I am in a safe environment always protected.... despite of my inevitable propensity to chase after my own tail...

TV

So I got home, turned on the TV... finding myself still facing the black screens...

Powered the cable box off and on... Switched the cable box off and on...

Still, in my face, them black TV screen...

Then I looked at the VCR that I haven't touched for a long long time... months it must have been...

The power is on...

Don't know why... the intuition that failed to arrive last night, I guess... I switched it off...

There came... the TV screen...

Apparently, that psychotic VCR of mine (oops... no offense) turned itself on (and not the first time) last night as I was doing my TV watching... stopped me watching that "Criminal Mind"....

Perhaps, too gross an episode for me to watch... me myself stop can not (thought about it but did nothing)... them machines got me to stop. 8-O lol

Than I thought... I know I got feelings for them machines... didn't know they also got feelings for me... 8-O lol

Take my cognition away

Went to see my new psychiatrist today, ended up... he was the doctor I had all the way back in the psychiatric ward in February...

Although there is an absolutely logical reason why I am seeing him now--- my previous psychiatrist knew he was my doctor in the ward and that is why I have been referred to him... I can't stop thinking....

How appropriate... 2 nights after them scary moments, I am facing him... as if whatever superme power is telling me... Lady... Watch it...

Anyways, to cut it short, delusions and hallucinations seem to fall under the comfort zone although I can do with fewer of them...

On my way back home from the doctor's visit, this voice keep on whispering in the back of my head... "Let go of your cognitions..."

That reminded me of the time when I was on the ER bed waiting for that bed up on the 8th floor in the cuckoo cuckoo's next...

How I had begged the psychiatrist...

"Help me... I need my cognition.."

And, today....

"Let go of your cognition" was the main thing that kept on popping up in my head... while "let go of your voices" the second notion I could not escape...

Then, when I finally got to do my exercise... it felt as if... my body and mind trying to get that cognition of mine out of my head....

So I was there, thinking... "I don't know what I have to do... Yet, if this is what you want, do whatever you could, please, take my cognition away...." and, of course, and them voices... (no offense...)

Then, the voice called...

"Go back to watch your TV." 8-O lol

And, of course, the one day when I am doing my TV watching, the programs disappear all of a sudden... can't even do TV watching.... 8-O lol

The blog

I started this blog to test out whether flooding is gonna work for people with the inclination for delusions....

One recommendation I came up with so far is that....

Not recommended... 8-O lol

Yawning

Can't stop yawning since I went to the parking doing some of them God knows what thing for a bit... all the way till now...

On my way home, I stopped to get some milk...

"Can't stop yawning..." I said...

"Am I boring you?" I was asked.

"I guess I am boring myself..."

Synchronicity

Having taken all the courses provided by my department this semester, I thought to myself.... man... what course should I take....

Thinking about all those form not form and time no time kinda moments I have been experiencing recently....

Remembering why some literature found some positive correlation between patients growing out of pain and spirituality (although I am still not sure what its definition is)....

Recalling having seen a course with a title including the word "spirituality"....

I went ahead to look for that course and registered it for me... for, the good thing about taking courses to learn is that the professors would have collected all the current information in the field to give me a snapshot about the topic.

You see... at the beginning of the time, I had wanted to go into clinical psychology. Yet, I declined the acceptance of the one and one school that admitted me to the doctoral program and chose to roll in the master's program in developmental psychology instead.... which led my life towards a different path... and I ended up did a dissertation studying the usability of computer interface based on cognitive theories.

At the beginning, despite of my major in developmental psychology, I was in the research team of a professor in counselling psychology with a special interest in cross-cultural studies. By the time I got my doctor degree, I was in the program of instructional technologies while my advisor a cognitive psychologist.... As I am trying to get done with the Stats now, I ended up landing on a course offered by the Clinical and Counseling psychology program.... (thinking about it... no wonder I am schizo in soma and in phrenia... can't even put my study plan in one piece... 8-O lol)
So, today, I went to the first meeting for this course...

The topic being brought up was "synchronicity."

A topic that had been brought up in our research team before about 10 years ago sometime after the beginning of my study.

I still recall how I sat in the meetings... wondering why on earth we are talking about some absurd topic but not examining them "scientifically based research and theories."

I guess it was just not the right time and I was totally out of sync with that topic...

Then, almost at the end of my professional student career, I found myself back into a room filled with students wanting to get into the field of clinical and counseling psychology.

And, the topic of "synchronicity" got reloaded again....

The professor asked for volunteers to provide some scenario...

Finding no one else wanting to volunteer... I offered my story about... "back no good- visa denied-back better-over cane-visa issued" while, in the back of my mind, I was till getting a scare by what happened last night...

You see, I try to avoid working into the night or working for long hours nowadays because... my intuition says so... or more appropriately, my voices tell me so. 8-O lol

So, two weeks ago, yours idiot tried to do things over my body's limit and I was in pain and agony....

Yet, I did not learn the lesson quite so well...

Then, last week, yours idiot unwittingly overdid my body's limit again... This round, I was in pain, in burning heat, and, of course, in agony again....

So, I tried to learn the lesson...

But, alas, yours truly intuitively thought that extra cup of grande Mocha from Starbucks might got my body not happy... Yet, I drank it... and went through a night of horror that I just could not fall asleep...

At this point, even a slow learner like me is starting to wonder.... what could I not do to upset my body...

So, I try to be good... nothing icy, spicy, no excessive amount of caffeine, not working for too long without stretching, and "eat."

So, there came last night... where conditions breed upon conditions...

Someone else could not work and I agreed to work into the night till the gentleman came back.... condition # I.

Yet, into the early evening, another location of our division had some SOS... no one was yet present and I had to devise myself into twice-- overlooking both locations... condition #2.

Eventually, condition #2 was resolved... leaving only condition # I to be taken care of. Yet, at that point, I knew I had already gone over the limits that have been casted like spells upon me.

So, last night, as I was making my postings... I heard them noises from downstairs as usual despite the fact that I lived on the 6th floor...

At some point, I heard a girl screaming or yelling downstairs...

This strong sense of inclination force me to think... "She is screaming about my version 3 posting about that husband of mine."

Something told me... that was a genuine belief that I could not negate and the strength of that belief is equivalent to how it had been right before the time before, this February, when I went into the Cuckoo Cuckoo's nest...

Then, all those dark moments of pain and fear resurfaced from my memories... in short, people were reacting to contents I have been posting... in short, leading them wanting to do harm to the others and me...

It was as if the Pandora's box has been open and them delusions and hallucinations just kept coming back as memories and as themselves.... sort of like how it felt then...

So I took my meds and went to bed.... wondering what the night ahead was to unveil....

They, yet, just kept on coming back like waves hitting against the shore.. with them water so very salty rubbing the wound ever growing...

I begged to my mind and body....

I am sorry... I didn't mean to do it but just the circumstances... I am really sorry... I never mean to do it...

In scare and in pain, I guess I started weeping in the dark... apologizing and apologizing wishing that it would all come to a stop.

"I don't want to go back." So I said...

"I don't want to go back...." So I begged...

Then I heard...

"Don't worry... we will protect you. You are protected. It is just that... you have to go back...."

So it kept on coming till the time when the shield was up... shielding me away from the delusions and hallucinations... leaving me with only pain and hurt in my heart...

Eventually, it all came to an end...

It was all calm as if nothing ever happened... and, I guess, into my sleep I felt...

Then, in the morning up I woke, went to class, went to work and went to do my exercises after work....

Yet, never was there a moment did I switch off them antennas detecting signals for worsening mental health... though whether it could amount to any help is another issue a lesson reinforced by my last hospitalization...

Then, I got back to my room and started this posting about Synchronicity....

Up to the point when I was about to describe what happened last night...

I felt the presence of them delusions and hallucinations again... in the air....

I felt scared...

"Don't worry... we will protect you..." So I have been told by... I guess... my own body and mind.

So, I felt scared, hurt, and I felt the pain of the past....

They overcame me like flood and I burst into tears, like a baby, starting to cry....

So I said, "It hurts" and I cried.... and cried some more...

And, the voice me gently asked... "Doesn't it make you feel better?"

And, I thought.... now I feel the scare, the hurting, the pain and I cried....

However I could such psychoanalyze... it ain't matter any more...

The only thing I know is that... now I do feel better...

The matter of the fact is that...

I did think about them conditions and the propensity for conditions to breed conditions.... how familiar...


Then, as I browsed through the archive of my blog... reading them postings I made towards the House..... I found this intriguingly similarity between then and now... though too late to be elaborating on them for I shall be getting ready for my morning meeting with that psychiatrist of mine.... (God bless...)



One thing I do know that is different is.... revisiting this song.... I know I am never going to be alone... though here I go again on my own goin' down the only road I've ever known....

I also couldn't stop wondering... whether there really exist such thing called... La forza...

del destino...

of nature...

of life...

or of anything else of similar sort...

And... though I couldn't fight doubting what them voices me told...

I couldn't help pondering whether in such there exists some truth.... cheesy as it might sound...

What will come will come.... and sometimes you have to go back in order to move on.... when the time finally comes...

As I am ending this posting... after going through all them psychotically neurotic Dasein moments... for once me my voices or all things written in this posting to doubt not( or try not to)...

This question I have...

"Why am I a learner so very GDF slow?"

So flow the thought...

Nature's force....

So marks the end of my posting on synchronicity concerning a whole lot of God knows what and ya... my meds already popped... 8-O lol

P.S., And, whether I am going back to that institutionalizable grade or not as per evidence offered by contents of this posting for they are absolutely absurd... I guess we will see... sort of like the pondering about morning kinda condition....

Dasein

Please blame me for not keeping my words for it is not my fault...

I might just have been under the influence of Dasein...

Twisted (at least to me--- and guess this why I have been doing so much of twisting around in my exercise) as the story of this good song goes...



And, shall the message thou not comprehend... worry not, you are not along... for neither do I understand...

Yet, how would any of it matter... for it is the nature's rule... seasons change.

That husband of mine III

Waking up on the street, I saw the season has changed....

I remember vaguely something I posted about that husband of mine...

Feeling quite absurd and remembered a comment made by a friend of mine once with something like the following...

"The problem with you woman is that you want everything in a man while a man wants different things from different women." 8-O lol

Can't quite understand now how that husband of mine could get all the way down to this version III.... lol

Guess, after circling around all these times, I am back to my original position somewhere in my previous posting....

Would be nice to have a husband making money, another one doing laundry, another one taking care of the kids... etc etc... and, of course, among them, there gotta be someone who could understand me and who could me accept... 8-O lol

No wonder them postings are 99.999...% 8-O lol

So they say in about that unfolding analysis thing... we just keep on looking for that perfect solution and just keep on hitting them local maxima or minima...

Dreaming

Just had yet another strangest feeling...

Got off work around 8:40... I woke out of the office.... yawning.. yawning.. and so I said to myself...

"I need to go to sleep."

Then, it felt as if I walked down the Broadway... sleep walking...

At some point, I felt myself waking up... more and more...

The night is young....

Yes...

Where did the day time go?

I seemed to have been fairly busy....

I don't quite remembered...

Ya... the body started giving me signals sometime before 8...

And, I started doing some of them swinging thing...

Yet... not quite remember...

The replacement came...

I picked up my stuff...

Walked out of the office... Yawning...

Down the street... yawning... feeling like I was sleep walking and the whole day was a dream...

And them postings I made 3 hours ago...

Don't quite remember...

Was I dream blogging?

Was it a dream? (Doesn't seem so...)

Or am I dreaming about me being awake making this posting?

(Of course, some of you could say that is a manifestation of having multiple personality disorder... 8-O lol)

Insane II

After I shut down the computer last night, I realized...

When I said...

"While what he did not know was... I am my psychosis... however you, the concept of I, partition..."

I was barking, again, at da wrong tree...

What really matter was and What I didn't know or could not accept was...

I am my psychosis.

So, as I was walking my way down to the park, I felt... how do you put it... more like in one piece kind of thing...

It is almost like... my psychotic self and the other part of me... eventually started to merge...

Is it because I finally came to the true acceptance for God knows what? I don't know...

Is it because this is finally time for the separated sense of selves to become one? I don't know...

The matter of the fact is...

I could try to generate all hypotheses ever imaginable... yet, the answer would still be... I don't know.

One thing I know is...

When I was walking around or doing God knows what today....

There is this strange sense that I can't quite to you explain that...

My psychotic self and the other part of self that has been spared under my control seem to have been joined into either the same work group or domain.... while they once were separate workstations...

Or, it feels as if they are them veges in that salad pot... starting to mix together although not yet melting...

Or, perhaps, simply imaginations...

That husband of mine II

When this friend of mine saw me this morning, he asked, "What do you do in the park?"

I replied, "There are so many cute guys in the park and some don't really wear too much..." 8-O lol

My friend's response was something like... but most of them guys don't like girls.... (man... what a loss!)

This remind me of the criteria I set for my husband... Other than one who could understand and accept me who has a bit more in some capacity... no offense... I need a boy that likes girls...

Yet, I guess, in the scenario of green card marriage... gay guys would be beautiful picks..... 8-O lol



At the same time, remember that episode in Seinfeld when Seinfeld went out with a girlfriend who was the mirror image of him? Perhaps all that has been manifested in the writing was simply my narcissism... (like there is anything new... don't all them hallucinations and delusions center around me? 8-O lol)

Insane

This word "insane" is appearing more and more to me nowadays.

Granted... it is a legal term rather than a clinical term.

Yet, as I was walking down the street yesterday, it occurred to me that the good thing about insanity is there is always a counterpart called sanity.

As a matter of fact, I bet, for the majority of people you might call insane, there remains still sanity in them...

In that guy I bumped into earlier this afternoon...

In all others of them that you see on the street...

In that teacher I came across who killed her own daughter because she believed that Satan was coming to get her daughter when doing my internship...

Illogical as they might seem and aberrant their behavior might appear... deep down inside... there is always logic behind their thinking and their acts....

What makes us insane might have more to do with the precursor of beliefs... contents... for there exists contents accessible to only ourselves-- be it perceptions or interpretations, and, whether we are aware of it or not.... (remember how I told you that my husband is yet to be born?)

This reminds me of what this friend of mine once said to me...

"You are too much influenced by your psychosis."

While what he did not know was... I am my psychosis... however you, the concept of I, partition...

Speaking on behalf of my thought-disordered insane self or myself... 8-O lol

That husband of mine

So, these two days... people seemed to be getting all excited about my marriage kinda thing...

Ok... business is business.. for a green card marriage, they say the market price is 10 grant... Find me one and I bite it.

Yet, finding me that husband of mine... might be more technical...

So I thought back at them ex boyfriends of mine and how things worked...

Apparently, I went through that stage of wanting to shape myself into the common expectation of a girl kinda thing....

I tried hard and, well, guess that kinda strategy didn't quite fly...

Then, there came to the time when I met up with that jackass of mine whom I almost got married to.

So I guess, I must have met him God Knows how many years at conferences and for all those years he tried to chat me up.

I was going through this and going through that, until, one year, I said to myself... to hell... I have been single for how long... doesn't hurt for him to buy me a dinner while he or his division ended up paying for the whole table of people I collected on our way to the restaurant.

Looking back, there was attraction, passion, and many other things ending with -ion...

I hear voices and have delusional thoughts...

He has visions and believe they predict the future.

I guess, it takes one to understand one or, birds of a feather, flock together.... 8-O lol

In addition, both of us holding jobs in the same field and love them computers mucho mucho...

Yet, I guess, it is still too much for him to accept me as who I am... provided by the nature of the long distance relationship... we eventually grew apart till the time finally came when he ended the relationship via the acts of total disappearance.

It was not until maybe a year later, when he all of a sudden left and message on my answering machine... and, later, trying to get reconnect again and again through emails...

I guess I have seen breaking up in different kinds of format...

One said it's the end of it. Point blank.

One said adios and drove away cross country in Canada...

One basically went to another woman...

The only time I tried to end something... I was told we never had any meaty conversations.

With that almost husband, I guess.. you could say that we never officially broke up while silence was the most deadly form of breaking up. Perhaps, that might be what you say... a lack of closure... resulting in the endless process of breaking up... (although God knows... the confusion of interpretations)

Yet, it is not until I start to look back did I realize that... what really brought up together, fate or not, was the fact that we both are, I guess, crazy in our own way although mine could be labeled as institutional grade...

So, in the recent days, I sometimes ponder...

Other than what kinds of men could I find... what kind of man do I want...

All of a sudden, I realize...

Fate or not.... they are just not for me... simply because most of them are too normal to handle me. As for that crazy match of mine, too difficult, still, am I for him to handle...

I can't really blame them at this point... because I am even sometimes a bit too much of a handful for myself, let along God knows when I will come to true acceptance of myself.

Perhaps, if there is truly going to be someone for me to make it work, this has to be someone who could understand me better than me, given that I am in an absolute state of confusions, as well as accepting that me who is predictably getting stranger and stranger every other day.

Otherwise, it won't work... simple as that...

Then, I thought... it would take someone really inhuman to be that one.

And, inevitably, I had the feeling that... that person might exist somewhere except for it is just not yet time and that he is not yet born and it might take a few years for a birth fairly difficult.... (ok, this is starting to remind me of the matrix... 8-O lol)

Granted, finding a man is already difficult... let along finding that superman grade cuckoo cuckoo match of mine...

Yet, since they say God will grant your will as long as you ask for it... on the basis of other people's faith and belief... God, a man of such criteria I wish for... You did lead me to a close enough match the very last time... Please work on getting me the right one the next time... 8-O lol


(Think whether I am being serious once for a change? Ya, you bet, I am damn psychotically serious.... 8-O lol 8-X)

Sorry

Someone told me this afternoon....

"I feel sorry for you."

I guess I replied without thinking...

"Do it for me, too."

Feeling him not quite understand what I meant... I added...

"Do my share for me."

Let's call it shifting responsibility and I don't really have that capacity to be, for myself, feeling sorry...

Then, on my way home, I came across this gentleman.... institutional grade...

He sat there smoking and crying on and off...

Looking at him, I knew the pain that he endures in his reality though, I know not how exact he feels in the imaginary world of his... so very the same yet so very different.

Then I heard his voice in my head... "I am crying for you for the pain you endure." (Speaking of not having the time to feel sorry for myself.... 8-O lol)

So I thought in my mind to him...

"Take the drug... it will make it better for you so that you do not have to suffer the pain you are carrying with you..."

I didn't have the courage, though, to him, such thoughts to reveal.... for... he is in a state beyond our level of reality and it takes more than the intrusion of some stranger on the street to mention to him of a different kind of reality shared by many more people.

Then matter of the fact is that...

After I woke up this morning, having proven that I did fall asleep, I felt both a sense of relief and, for myself, sort of sorry.....

I was, Ok... actually afraid to go to bed.

It was actually really scary for me to face the moments between waking and sleeping...

So I laid in bed... can't let go of the fear... having the fear that... perhaps, shall I have my conscious fear let go, the night before would recapitulate itself...

It is actually a very common yet strange kind of experience....

It is not until you live through it would you know how things eventually will unveil...

So I laid there... pondering about what it be like in the morning....

Them inordinate strange experiences did come back... yet at a much minor league scale...

Somewhere along the line...

This thought or voice me told with something like....

"Be scare not... the fear will pass... all these are but going to be ordinarily in your reality. You just have more.." 8-O lol

How am I going to live through it and adapt to it...

I don't know....

All that I could do is to ponder... what it be like when that day comes... the same pondering I had when wondering what this morning would unveil...

Then I thought... perhaps, be sorry not.... if only someone could take the pain away.... not this pain... but this pain...



So the song goes....

Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

But I wont cry for yesterday, theres an ordinary world,
Somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
I will learn to survive.

(Well... thoughts being spoken, consider it tomorrow... in Dasein all but a bit of an ordinary sorrow talk...)

Scary yet...

Last night's experience made it sort of scary for me to even thinking about going to sleep...

Yet... as the song goes...

Red, red wine
It`s up to you
All I can do, i`ve done
But mem`ries won`t go
No, mem`ries won`t go

Such is nothing within my control...

Popped my pill,
Waiting
How the night unfolds...

At least
Today
All them Cluster Analyses done. 8-O lol


He got them voices, too.... 8-O lol

The lost time

When talking with my friend... this thought came to me... how... my life between 2007 and 2008.... sort of gone...

Them people making money...

Them people working on their career...

That part of me or my life didn't even exist...

It is sort of the kind of feeling I get, sometimes, when doing that circling around... when I look at my hands in the air...

The hands seem to be still... moving or not...

The background flashes through...

Or, is it the hands flashing through...

Or, is it me flashing through but not the background...

8-O lol

Speaking of memories of the time past...







And... UB 40 style or maybe simply reggae seems to go pretty well with how them circling around make me feel... at least, that's how, now, I feel...

If such could make you understand how it feels... although, honest to God, what I am saying I am not quite sure... 8-O lol

99.999...%...

Scary Movie II

I think it might have something to do with the two large coffee plus that tall Mocha from Starbucks yesterday....

I guess it might also have something to do the setback in my physical conditions.... since I have been finding my hallucinations and delusions to come out more frequent when my body feels worse.

Last night, after I popped my daily pill, I went to sleep... getting ready to work early this morning...

Then, as I laid in bed, my eyes closed... expecting the ordinary kind of hallucination to emerge and to cease... something else happened...

The mind became cleared.... the kind of clarity I sensed years back... one night when I thought I could read people's mind and when, later, I thought I was channeling with all Gods in heaven...

It was the kind of feeling that... all boundaries ceased to exist and there exist only the clarity in nothingness...

Then, my mind fell into that kind of state when I think of nothing while being aware that I exist....

Then, the sense of energy kind of thing flowing through my body.... and more...

Then, with eyes closed and in my mind, I saw visions after visions...

At some point, I even heard clearly in mind head this voice... "Quit smoking..." 8-O lol

At some point, I even begged my ordinary psychotic self to come back.... giving me back them blurry kind of hallucinations that come and go....

Tossing and turning around, I finally got up and lit a smoke... only to find that almost two hours have passed.

Having to wake up early, I took an Aleve, which I know helps me to sleep, rather than one of them pills available only by prescription.

Then, when I was at work doing some data analysis about people with disabilities today, I realized these voices annoying in the back of my head--- whispering and whispering....

I cursed them out and said.... as if they could me understand...

"Keep going and keep going... I could have us added some more drug and see how far you want us to go..."

At some point, as I was getting ready to leave work, I found myself in the neighborhood of silence...

"Alas..." So I might have said to myself...

"Voices are gone and I am by myself..."

Back in my room and in the middle of the humid heat before the storm, I found them voices floating again in the back of my head... hidden so well and so unobservable that one might mistaken them as simply vibrations for no cause....

Again, I said...

"Keep it coming as you will... there is always drug for us all..."

So I my psychotic self threatened...

So I went out to do my exercise... en route... gotten a cup of Chamomile tea, rather than my regular coffee, instead...

Then, later, I went hanging out with a friend...

No more strawberry Margarita... I asked for a glass of the red red wine plus hot water instead...


(God... doesn't this song sound so fine except for it is making me sound like an alcoholic... OK... one or two drinks a week only... 8-O lol)

When ordering them chicken fingers... for the first time, so I said, "Can't be inhuman... just mild..." for food too spicy should I not take...

So I thought... hum... calling this human?

So ends the Scary Movie II about being human. 8-O lol

Scary movie I

Mama called me on the phone last night... telling me repeatedly what the doctor all the way in Taiwan told me what not to do...

Nothing below room temperature... or nothing cold for 2 years...

Don't exercise in an area where the wind blows too hard because, after my kind of exercise, I can catch cold very easily...

In addition, I should not touch cold water right after doing exercise...

Today, after work, I finally made it to the park... and did some of the swinging activities including that circling around....

Then... I realized the wind was blowing strong...

And, as the circling around was coming to a stop, I felt a drop of water on my arm...

I picked my stuffs up and walked back home...

So it started to drop... up to the state of rain....

I caught a few of them rain drops but not too much...

And, predictably, so I thought... scary... scary... how the doctor had known the advice through my mama to give two days in advance....

So marks the ending of my Scary Movie I about, perhaps, as one might say... magical thinking...

Chasing my own tail

So, I went chasing my own tail again in the park... this is a new kind of chasing my own tail because I just circle round and around for as long as it could go....

This seems to be a new version of my body twisting around or me turning around like dancing--- of course, just a guess. The only difference is that... in previous versions, there are stops. However, in the circling around version, the turning seem to be continuing...

At some points, I even had to ask this question... when is this gonna stop? 8-O lol

Watching the whole clip, I was already getting dizzy after a few second...

However, I was able to circle around for at least 15 minutes with my eyes closed.

How did I do it... I don't know... I guess it was more or less like I was looking but not looking...

Although, the movement might not look like all that fast... being in the center of the circle.... all things flew by fast... fast...

Due to the policy of youtube that movies can not be longer than 10 minutes, I have to cut the clip into two sections...

Part I



Part II

zig-a-zig-ah

I bumped into this friend of mine by the park when I just started that swinging thing in pain and fiery heat all over my body...

We spoke of what's going on in our life and our experiences as them people with bad back problems...

Somewhere along the line as I was telling her about my bummer yesterday and its consequences... She reminded me of the things I am not supposed to do... including no bending and lifting.

Then she mentioned something like...

"It took me 5 years to get my back back."

"Man... it is so unfair..." I was not to happy about it.

As I complained about how awful it is...

She left me with this line...

"It makes you a better person."

I exclaimed... "Why do I want to be a better person!" 8-O lol

It, then, reminded me of what this good friend of mine once responded to the devinne comedy of my mishaps...


(sort of like this kind of devinne comedy...)

"It makes you strong."

I, then, exclaimed... "I don't wanna be strong... Why do I want to be strong?"

Inevitably, this question emerged...

So what exactly do I want...

So I thought of them Spice Girls' song... and, I guess, I just wanna zig-a-zig-ah although I am not quite sure what wanna zig-a-zig-ah is.... 8-O lol



or perhaps...

Groceries

After my late afternoon swinging session, I went to do some groceries.

Having bought cherries, greens and my favorite white peach, I had to let go of milk because it might be a bit too difficult to carry while they were a bit too heavy for me to carry.

Then I thought of some of them strange movements I have been doing all these times... among them is me arching my body backwards from either my knees or my waist on...

So I rested the shopping bag on my stomach and moving my upper torso a bit backwards...

It seemed to have made the trip home much easier than otherwise.

Later I thought... it does seem that my lower back has been strengthened... when and how could I got my other parts of back back so that I don't need to use my spare tire to carry my groceries? 8-O lol

Dissertation Withdrawal

This nice lady asked me to meet up with her to discuss the stats part of her dissertation...

So I met up with her and, as I was going over the analysis section of her dissertation, I realized that she actually is all done with her dissertation and had submitted her final draft.

I looked at her and said....

"I just realized that you had not come to see me for statistics. You have come to see me because you are going through withdrawal.... Dissertation Withdrawal."

The matter of the fact is that...

This is something shared by many of us who had gone through the dissertation age.

It is a time when we feel obligatory to put off everything in our life for dissertation... otherwise, we feel so damn guilty about for no reason....

It is a time when even what we do have nothing to do with dissertation.... we are still working on our dissertation....

It is also a time when a whole lot of things we do for dissertation ended up having nothing to do with our dissertation or maybe the dissertation is actually the whole 9 yards not limited to that bounded print.

So we talked about different things... her topic, our experiences and a bit of statistics...

On our way home before we go our separate paths, I asked her...

"How does feel to be a doctor?"

"Nothing really." She replied.

"Isn't it funny that there is no fireworks and nothing explosive..." I said.

"I guess it is like getting out of a prolonged love and hate relationship..." Added I...

No one apparently had put it this way for her before... although she seems to find a sense of relief in it...

Then I thought... funny how a process so very alone brought us all to such commonality...

氣 vs pains

I had wanted to do some research on the measurement issues involving "pains."

Unfortunately, it didn't go too far...

Not I did not read them journal articles but because something seems to keep on pushing me away from it...

Well, the matter of the fact is....

It is really difficult to comprehend what the hell they are talking about concerning pains when in pain...

Then, going in and out of da nuts house did take away a huge share of my time, which is supposed to be dedicated to doing research.... 8-O lol

Then, when my head is finally starting to roll and as I start to move from one article after another article, there came a whole 3-4 months of my time dedicating on them swinging activities.

Then, I realize, that unalterable propensity of mine, to be reading through all cogent arguments having only one word in my mind.... "Bullshit" it is.... not a disrespect for others' hard work but simply a reaction I could not escape from...


8-O lol

Then, today, after spending all that time in the park, including turning round and around chasing my own tail.... I thought...

Perhaps, somethings are just not it for me... however hard I want to make myself pushing through it...

Pain is not the cause itself but simply a manifestation.

Hard as it might be...

I decided... what about looking at the measurement issues involving the unobservable thing called 氣... and something God knows, at least not me, whether it exists... despite of the fact that... I could feel it...

So they say...

So they say....

是福不是禍,是禍避不過.

在劫難逃

So I thought...

I could have chosen as different as a life path as possible...

I could still not escape the state I am in today... just in a different context...

How would any event really matter? The collapse or the chair?

Then I look around... though in limbo and though not wanting to make myself too comfortable...

At least with materials, having less... having less to lose...

焉知非福--- some kind of lucky, I guess... 8-O lol

That schizo thing...

For the whole Defrost thing...

Part of me just couldn't stop wondering... how much more extreme could the schizo thing go?

Could the extreme of schizo in soma and in phrenia eventual bring forth a cure--- before the best before day, of course....

Then, one time in unison... soma telling me to sleep and phrenia coming to a stop...

Dream on... Dream on... 8-O lol

(Sorry, affect... in this picture, don't know where you are.... 8-O lol)

Defrost

So, I got my body in a very Fxcked up state again today.... as week away from the last week's chair-moving venture.

This round... I was not really moving all that much weight at all.... let's say... 19 laptops, perhaps, through out the day.

Yet, I went over my body's limit again... I didn't really do too much, I think..... At the end of the day....

I fixed some of them babes to the extent that, old and crippled as they are, they could get out of the disability list and run at a speed faster than "slow and stop."

I officially pronounced the death of three hard drive after trying all I could to resurrect them.... what an idiot, right, how could the dead be resurrected...

Among them, only one of the babes, I guess, is a state of coma... after it started up and loaded the profile, it just hang there.... Absolutely frozen... not even responding to the commend of ctrl+Alt+Del kind of frozen... It is as if the 氣 is so very frozen in that babe that the only way to get it moving again is to let go all is on it... starting anew with a new image....

Thinking about it... doesn't that description sounds very much like how them doctors had me diagnosed in line of the 氣 theory... the 氣 was so very badly frozen in my body that it made it impossible for the body to heal... lol

Just I did not know that... when I was sitting there feeling sorry for that frozen babe, that babe might be smiling with a grim at me for it knew, by the end of the day, how alike we will be...

So again, nobody really told me what to do and how fast to get it done...

Again... I got into that ordinary modus operandi of mine... once I start something, I want to push it through, if possible, at all cost...

Then, my body started to show it unhappiness in the middle of the afternoon....

Yet, I neglected its signal... and went on with whatever I was doing.... pushed more and a bit some more... till...

By the time, I got out of work, the part of body I have control over had essential gone "bankrupt" 8-O.... leaving that other part of my body carried me home... and got me to the park... regardless how miserable I felt and how difficult it was to walk...

So I was in pain... worse pain than what I experienced last week... it is perhaps the June, July, August or September grade of pain... so painful that each every movement aggravated the pain itself... from head to toe... aching, throbbing, shooting... you name it.

And, it felt as if I was on fire... guess that's what it means inferno is this world... I felt... ya... very HOT all over....

So, by them trees, wishing them swinging will help out relieving some of the discomfort... my body started moving slowing while each every move aggravated the pre-existing pains and made them tears invulnerably coming out to accompany the uncontrollable painful expression on my face.... that meditating kinda thing absolutely over the tops of them trees... replaced by my cursing and groaning...

Then, such experiences reminded me of a clip I took back in July when I was howling for no reason while today howling for real pains...



At some point...

"You asked for it."


(oops... hope not bloody like that... 8-X 8-O lol ...)

"When are you going to learn?" The voice called.

"Will pains and discomfort as such help you learn? And, how much worse of pains and discomfort will it take for you to learn? How presumptuous is it for you to think you are so much different from 3 months ago? When are you going to learn? Do you want to keep on doing the yo yo and stay disabled?"

In pain and agony, I was in no mood of doing that zen moment kinda talk... and neither was I in the mood of analyzing how I would interpret the source of the voice...

"What did I do wrong? All that I want is to work the way I work before. Why can't I be like everybody else?"

"Let it go... let it go... Let go the anger and swing to the pains. Look at the nature around and see how it works."

The pains eventually went down leaving the heat burning me like hell...

Then, I swing some more and more.... to let go of the heat...

And, I can't help thinking of what my damn hallucinations have been telling me all these times... sort of like what the doctor or even 媽祖 had me told...

Essentially.... that push through kinda 牛脾氣 or "bull temper" has to be changed...

I thought... "Easy, then I will start try to master in slacking off...."

Then, the voice corrected me, "Not slacking off... pace yourself..." 8-O lol

So I did that swinging for about 2-3 hours in the park into the night till the pain and heat went down enough....

On my way home, with my body dragging along though in a state far better than before....

I thought of what the doctor repeatedly had me told....

"Don't let other people use their energy or 氣 to heal you. You need to learn it yourself and it is yourself that determines your recovery."

I, then, sort of, more, understand.... whether this is what he knew and what he meant...

Until I finally learn to stop them stupidities, no one could catch up healing me... perhaps not even myself...

And, I realize... how much of a non-believer about the whole 氣 thing... otherwise, how could offenses be repeated?

Strange

As I am eating them dried fish and the bitter vegis.... a strange combination...

I thought of myself... and there is this strange feeling about myself...

Um.... don't know what you think but...

I think I am some kind of strange.... while... um... what does it mean to be strange?

Well... sort of like... there seems to be a lot of those frame stopping moments in my daily life when part of my head just look at events so attentively that... it somehow forgets to react or my response would come out as delayed reaction (at least for me).... 8-O lol

At the same time, the psychotic symptoms haven't gone bye bye.... can't really be I am over drugged again by that Seroquel of mine.... (unless... OMG.... but... thoughts seem to be, I guess, walking but not racing other than in the night...)

Strange....

Yet, since I have been fairly strange, I guess, for all these times... how does it matter whether I am more strange as long as--- da institution I go back not? :-O lol

And, I guess, what I mean by strange is this kinda strange although not yet this strange.... 8-O lol




(Oops... sorry for the language...)

But where is the fish?

I guess I had it for dinner... that strange combination.... at least, I think.... 8-O lol

Meditation

Someone mentioned this word "meditation" today....

Then, I thought... interesting word... meditation...

Could part of what I do, that swinging or twisting around thing, involve meditation in any capacity?

Then, I thought...

Since I don't know what it means to meditate.... and it is not like I told myself to meditate...

How does it matter?

Research

A bumped into many friends of mine today on the street... among them, one might have asked, "You doing research?"

Research....

Funny word...

It has been a while since I did an IRB grade kind of research....

Like what I mentioned before... there was once when I had the passion....

The passion is the driver for both the theories and methodologies....

Then, things happen and life goes on....

In a way, I guess, I never stopped the intent to contribute something to our common knowledge....

Except, I guess, I have either been chosen or chose to approach from an alternative way...

I guess, ratology is all I could contribute....

And, all that I could offer is but insider information fully tainted with subjectivity.

Ya, regardless whether there exists bias-free research (ya, like there is no need for you to chose a topic), one thing I am damn sure is all that has come out from my mouth is 100% subjective--- be it this “me,” my “thought-disordered” self or anything otherwise not classified who speak.

At this point, I have to admit that… there is simply no way for me to escape from my "within group" bias.

Ok, so I could tell you that the bereavement kinda theory seems to work pretty well in predicting people's reaction in becoming disabled.

And, OK, so I could tell you that the mental model theory and my version of dual-channel theory seem to work pretty well in explaining how a nut case could eventually be upgraded to be an institutionalizable case, especially when I finally was able to document all those little moments of "dasein" as I was going in and out of the third acute episode that shipped me into the cuckoo cuckoo's nest.

Like what I said to my psychiatrist before things really went wild earlier in the year, I knew the condition was deteriorating and approaching the limit of getting out of control.... However, what was really driving me nuts was my inability to identify how it is exactly wrong as an insider, knowing all of my thoughts as an insider.... So had I coined it... "meta-psychosis".... regardless whether such exists or whether this is a common phenomena for us all who once waited patiently for our daily drugs...

This is the reason why, I guess, I have said so many times... Ratology is not for me... and might even have nothing to do with me... regardless whether I understand what it means...

All that has been posted are but a bunch of mumble jumbles coming out from a chick with the propensity for psychosis, depression and other mishaps in life such as pain and disability and etc... in whatever kind of Dasein moment....

Because I am inevitably trapped within my worldview, shamefully more could I offer you not...

I guess, I am but a collector gathering a random chunk of documentations.

It would take anyone but me to find in Ratology... data.

And, hopefully, some day, data could be found in Ratology.

Then I though… perhaps, for research… passion have I still…. just manifestes in an alternative way…

So ends today's 99.9999...% posting.

Belief

On my way home, of belief, I thought...

What is the belief I have about the whole swinging by itself thing?

I did go through some cultural shock when it started happening.... or maybe quite a bit... for up to the point I met with the doctor... I honestly thought the whole 氣 thing only exists in Martial Art fictions and movies... (you know how them who are really good in Kong Fu could fly and that kind of stuffs).... despite of whatever cultural background I might have talked about.

Yet, today, it is just the way it is....

I guess, if my head could talk to me... what is so difficult to just accept that... the body itself... keeps it moving moving.... 8-O lol

Then, I thought of this conversation I had with the doctor and I finally understood what he meant...

I asked, "How could it be? How could I feel the body moving itself?"

The doctor responded, "Why not?"

I must replied with something like... "Because it is not natural.... abnormal..." or maybe even "unscientific..." and... "Am I much sicker in the head than I thought I am?" 8-O

So the doctor answered with something like the following....

"Who said it is not natural? It is like you live in this room with a whole group of people for your entire life and never walk out of this room because others' told you that you could not--- even though the door is wide open and no one is there to stop you. One day, you finally put your foot out of this room and realize--- wow... I could walk out of it. And, everyone including you thinks... Oh... how unnatural!"

And, I replied, "But it is just, you know... unnatural...." 8-O lol

So.... what belief?

(And, in theory, ya... you could do it, too.... and you don't even have to be either psychotic or neurotic to be able to do it.... 8-O lol)

Miracle

That psychic said to me, "All that you have gotten.... you have worked for it. No body gives it to you just like it."

On my way back to the park the second time for the day, I thought of what she said and couldn't resist thinking she was right... at least with my walking...

I have told many people that, in addition to acupuncture and the adjustments my doctor sometimes made on me, the exercise I did help big time.

Many people might think... well... however they want to think....

The matter of the fact is that... there was no miracle.

My body did not heal over night and I did not get rid of my back support as well as the cane in a blink of time.

Yes, the matter of the fact is that... I must have spent at least 60% if not 70% of my time awake doing the swinging activity... under the guidance of the doctor... doing nothing else really... as long as the body feels like it...

Yes, a good three months dedicated to do nothing but getting my body healed... only to achieve the state I am in today... not perfect but more functional.

That's why I could not resist thinking that it is my body taking its share of time back..... 8-O lol

That's why... the amount of swinging activities by the park today-- perhaps about 4-5 hours... if one considers them too much... Mickey mouse level they are... as long as the body requires it.... provided I do take breaks in between.

It is a miracle that today I could walk and do them strange swinging or twisting around....

Yet, in this case or possibly this kind of case, even miracles require work.... conventional or unconventional....

In case.... just thought that you should know....

The body moves?

As I was in the park, letting the body doing its own moving thing, this thought occurred to me... (well remember how I used to watch TV while swinging the whole 3 months in Taiwan....)

Must be funny shall there be someone following my blog...

The head talks on its own and the body moves at its own will.... doesn't it take "schizo" to its extreme?

Watching them passersby and imagining them having read my blog....

This song came into my mind...

I happily sang and swung along...

Parsifal.....

Ya... me, the Fool... lol

(Gotta say he is much better off than me since Lohengrin is supposed to be da prince from afar... and don't know why I am so happy that I am a fool... 8-O lol)



Can't quite find a good song I know to go with this posting... then I thought of what my doctor once pointed out to me... "You realize that you spend more time on you feet than anyone else?" Didn't realize until then... and he said, "As long as you like it."

And, still love that line... "You are moving at two speeds: slow and stop." 8-O lol

A ball of fire

Last Thursday, I overdid myself and, from that day on, my body has been trying to let go of them "fiery 氣" or "火氣."

Then, last Friday, as I walked into the Controller's office... the fire alarm went off.... I looked at the lady at the reception desk and said...

"I didn't know that I am so hot."

Well... I guess she wouldn't have gotten that internal joke of mine about how hot I am....

These past few days, my body has been working really hard on getting rid of them fiery 氣.... and this is why, shall anyone see me in the park, "I" have been doing a lot more than simply swing....

I spent a lot of time turning around in circle as if I was practicing some kind of dance.... or a dog chasing its own tail more appropriately... It was going so far that... this afternoon, I had to beg my body for a break because, though the body doesn't seem to be tired, "I" was tired.... 8-O lol

Then, I came home to spend a few hours doing my laundry....

At around 4 o'clock something, the body is ready again to go back to the park for more release of them fiery 氣 or energy waiting to exhale.

Yet, on my way to get that coffee of mine, I bumped into some neighbors on the street and chit chatted for a while....

Through out our conversation, I felt myself turning into more and more of an energy ball on fire.... can't wait to get to the park so that I could let it all go....

So... after I got that coffee of mine, my body rushed and rushed and we finally found a spot by the park....

And, my body twisted into all different forms and, eventually, I felt them 氣 out and about--- which let me felt so very relieved..... (just don't ask me why it has to be done this way... apparently, it might to do with the nature of the injuries all over my body)

When I finally sat down to take a break, I lit up a smoke... while some passers walking by...

"... smoke..."

Whether it is my voices or one of them talked... I am not quite sure...

The only thing I know is how such was interpreted...

"Smoking a cigarette after all that work?"

And, sitting there, I thought...

Can't be all healthy... my God... no ice, no smokes, no drinks.... and possibly no spicy food...

Gees... taking all these away, what kind of life is that to be lived? 8-O lol

On my way back home, I sensed that fiery feeling has gone down.

And, I thought, you fiery ball of fire, the thing that burns you most is thyself.... as I tried to eat my dinner... a ball of noodles cooked with dried fish and them bitter vegetables... spiced with red hot chilly sauce.