Defrost

So, I got my body in a very Fxcked up state again today.... as week away from the last week's chair-moving venture.

This round... I was not really moving all that much weight at all.... let's say... 19 laptops, perhaps, through out the day.

Yet, I went over my body's limit again... I didn't really do too much, I think..... At the end of the day....

I fixed some of them babes to the extent that, old and crippled as they are, they could get out of the disability list and run at a speed faster than "slow and stop."

I officially pronounced the death of three hard drive after trying all I could to resurrect them.... what an idiot, right, how could the dead be resurrected...

Among them, only one of the babes, I guess, is a state of coma... after it started up and loaded the profile, it just hang there.... Absolutely frozen... not even responding to the commend of ctrl+Alt+Del kind of frozen... It is as if the 氣 is so very frozen in that babe that the only way to get it moving again is to let go all is on it... starting anew with a new image....

Thinking about it... doesn't that description sounds very much like how them doctors had me diagnosed in line of the 氣 theory... the 氣 was so very badly frozen in my body that it made it impossible for the body to heal... lol

Just I did not know that... when I was sitting there feeling sorry for that frozen babe, that babe might be smiling with a grim at me for it knew, by the end of the day, how alike we will be...

So again, nobody really told me what to do and how fast to get it done...

Again... I got into that ordinary modus operandi of mine... once I start something, I want to push it through, if possible, at all cost...

Then, my body started to show it unhappiness in the middle of the afternoon....

Yet, I neglected its signal... and went on with whatever I was doing.... pushed more and a bit some more... till...

By the time, I got out of work, the part of body I have control over had essential gone "bankrupt" 8-O.... leaving that other part of my body carried me home... and got me to the park... regardless how miserable I felt and how difficult it was to walk...

So I was in pain... worse pain than what I experienced last week... it is perhaps the June, July, August or September grade of pain... so painful that each every movement aggravated the pain itself... from head to toe... aching, throbbing, shooting... you name it.

And, it felt as if I was on fire... guess that's what it means inferno is this world... I felt... ya... very HOT all over....

So, by them trees, wishing them swinging will help out relieving some of the discomfort... my body started moving slowing while each every move aggravated the pre-existing pains and made them tears invulnerably coming out to accompany the uncontrollable painful expression on my face.... that meditating kinda thing absolutely over the tops of them trees... replaced by my cursing and groaning...

Then, such experiences reminded me of a clip I took back in July when I was howling for no reason while today howling for real pains...



At some point...

"You asked for it."


(oops... hope not bloody like that... 8-X 8-O lol ...)

"When are you going to learn?" The voice called.

"Will pains and discomfort as such help you learn? And, how much worse of pains and discomfort will it take for you to learn? How presumptuous is it for you to think you are so much different from 3 months ago? When are you going to learn? Do you want to keep on doing the yo yo and stay disabled?"

In pain and agony, I was in no mood of doing that zen moment kinda talk... and neither was I in the mood of analyzing how I would interpret the source of the voice...

"What did I do wrong? All that I want is to work the way I work before. Why can't I be like everybody else?"

"Let it go... let it go... Let go the anger and swing to the pains. Look at the nature around and see how it works."

The pains eventually went down leaving the heat burning me like hell...

Then, I swing some more and more.... to let go of the heat...

And, I can't help thinking of what my damn hallucinations have been telling me all these times... sort of like what the doctor or even 媽祖 had me told...

Essentially.... that push through kinda 牛脾氣 or "bull temper" has to be changed...

I thought... "Easy, then I will start try to master in slacking off...."

Then, the voice corrected me, "Not slacking off... pace yourself..." 8-O lol

So I did that swinging for about 2-3 hours in the park into the night till the pain and heat went down enough....

On my way home, with my body dragging along though in a state far better than before....

I thought of what the doctor repeatedly had me told....

"Don't let other people use their energy or 氣 to heal you. You need to learn it yourself and it is yourself that determines your recovery."

I, then, sort of, more, understand.... whether this is what he knew and what he meant...

Until I finally learn to stop them stupidities, no one could catch up healing me... perhaps not even myself...

And, I realize... how much of a non-believer about the whole 氣 thing... otherwise, how could offenses be repeated?