Synchronicity

Having taken all the courses provided by my department this semester, I thought to myself.... man... what course should I take....

Thinking about all those form not form and time no time kinda moments I have been experiencing recently....

Remembering why some literature found some positive correlation between patients growing out of pain and spirituality (although I am still not sure what its definition is)....

Recalling having seen a course with a title including the word "spirituality"....

I went ahead to look for that course and registered it for me... for, the good thing about taking courses to learn is that the professors would have collected all the current information in the field to give me a snapshot about the topic.

You see... at the beginning of the time, I had wanted to go into clinical psychology. Yet, I declined the acceptance of the one and one school that admitted me to the doctoral program and chose to roll in the master's program in developmental psychology instead.... which led my life towards a different path... and I ended up did a dissertation studying the usability of computer interface based on cognitive theories.

At the beginning, despite of my major in developmental psychology, I was in the research team of a professor in counselling psychology with a special interest in cross-cultural studies. By the time I got my doctor degree, I was in the program of instructional technologies while my advisor a cognitive psychologist.... As I am trying to get done with the Stats now, I ended up landing on a course offered by the Clinical and Counseling psychology program.... (thinking about it... no wonder I am schizo in soma and in phrenia... can't even put my study plan in one piece... 8-O lol)
So, today, I went to the first meeting for this course...

The topic being brought up was "synchronicity."

A topic that had been brought up in our research team before about 10 years ago sometime after the beginning of my study.

I still recall how I sat in the meetings... wondering why on earth we are talking about some absurd topic but not examining them "scientifically based research and theories."

I guess it was just not the right time and I was totally out of sync with that topic...

Then, almost at the end of my professional student career, I found myself back into a room filled with students wanting to get into the field of clinical and counseling psychology.

And, the topic of "synchronicity" got reloaded again....

The professor asked for volunteers to provide some scenario...

Finding no one else wanting to volunteer... I offered my story about... "back no good- visa denied-back better-over cane-visa issued" while, in the back of my mind, I was till getting a scare by what happened last night...

You see, I try to avoid working into the night or working for long hours nowadays because... my intuition says so... or more appropriately, my voices tell me so. 8-O lol

So, two weeks ago, yours idiot tried to do things over my body's limit and I was in pain and agony....

Yet, I did not learn the lesson quite so well...

Then, last week, yours idiot unwittingly overdid my body's limit again... This round, I was in pain, in burning heat, and, of course, in agony again....

So, I tried to learn the lesson...

But, alas, yours truly intuitively thought that extra cup of grande Mocha from Starbucks might got my body not happy... Yet, I drank it... and went through a night of horror that I just could not fall asleep...

At this point, even a slow learner like me is starting to wonder.... what could I not do to upset my body...

So, I try to be good... nothing icy, spicy, no excessive amount of caffeine, not working for too long without stretching, and "eat."

So, there came last night... where conditions breed upon conditions...

Someone else could not work and I agreed to work into the night till the gentleman came back.... condition # I.

Yet, into the early evening, another location of our division had some SOS... no one was yet present and I had to devise myself into twice-- overlooking both locations... condition #2.

Eventually, condition #2 was resolved... leaving only condition # I to be taken care of. Yet, at that point, I knew I had already gone over the limits that have been casted like spells upon me.

So, last night, as I was making my postings... I heard them noises from downstairs as usual despite the fact that I lived on the 6th floor...

At some point, I heard a girl screaming or yelling downstairs...

This strong sense of inclination force me to think... "She is screaming about my version 3 posting about that husband of mine."

Something told me... that was a genuine belief that I could not negate and the strength of that belief is equivalent to how it had been right before the time before, this February, when I went into the Cuckoo Cuckoo's nest...

Then, all those dark moments of pain and fear resurfaced from my memories... in short, people were reacting to contents I have been posting... in short, leading them wanting to do harm to the others and me...

It was as if the Pandora's box has been open and them delusions and hallucinations just kept coming back as memories and as themselves.... sort of like how it felt then...

So I took my meds and went to bed.... wondering what the night ahead was to unveil....

They, yet, just kept on coming back like waves hitting against the shore.. with them water so very salty rubbing the wound ever growing...

I begged to my mind and body....

I am sorry... I didn't mean to do it but just the circumstances... I am really sorry... I never mean to do it...

In scare and in pain, I guess I started weeping in the dark... apologizing and apologizing wishing that it would all come to a stop.

"I don't want to go back." So I said...

"I don't want to go back...." So I begged...

Then I heard...

"Don't worry... we will protect you. You are protected. It is just that... you have to go back...."

So it kept on coming till the time when the shield was up... shielding me away from the delusions and hallucinations... leaving me with only pain and hurt in my heart...

Eventually, it all came to an end...

It was all calm as if nothing ever happened... and, I guess, into my sleep I felt...

Then, in the morning up I woke, went to class, went to work and went to do my exercises after work....

Yet, never was there a moment did I switch off them antennas detecting signals for worsening mental health... though whether it could amount to any help is another issue a lesson reinforced by my last hospitalization...

Then, I got back to my room and started this posting about Synchronicity....

Up to the point when I was about to describe what happened last night...

I felt the presence of them delusions and hallucinations again... in the air....

I felt scared...

"Don't worry... we will protect you..." So I have been told by... I guess... my own body and mind.

So, I felt scared, hurt, and I felt the pain of the past....

They overcame me like flood and I burst into tears, like a baby, starting to cry....

So I said, "It hurts" and I cried.... and cried some more...

And, the voice me gently asked... "Doesn't it make you feel better?"

And, I thought.... now I feel the scare, the hurting, the pain and I cried....

However I could such psychoanalyze... it ain't matter any more...

The only thing I know is that... now I do feel better...

The matter of the fact is that...

I did think about them conditions and the propensity for conditions to breed conditions.... how familiar...


Then, as I browsed through the archive of my blog... reading them postings I made towards the House..... I found this intriguingly similarity between then and now... though too late to be elaborating on them for I shall be getting ready for my morning meeting with that psychiatrist of mine.... (God bless...)



One thing I do know that is different is.... revisiting this song.... I know I am never going to be alone... though here I go again on my own goin' down the only road I've ever known....

I also couldn't stop wondering... whether there really exist such thing called... La forza...

del destino...

of nature...

of life...

or of anything else of similar sort...

And... though I couldn't fight doubting what them voices me told...

I couldn't help pondering whether in such there exists some truth.... cheesy as it might sound...

What will come will come.... and sometimes you have to go back in order to move on.... when the time finally comes...

As I am ending this posting... after going through all them psychotically neurotic Dasein moments... for once me my voices or all things written in this posting to doubt not( or try not to)...

This question I have...

"Why am I a learner so very GDF slow?"

So flow the thought...

Nature's force....

So marks the end of my posting on synchronicity concerning a whole lot of God knows what and ya... my meds already popped... 8-O lol

P.S., And, whether I am going back to that institutionalizable grade or not as per evidence offered by contents of this posting for they are absolutely absurd... I guess we will see... sort of like the pondering about morning kinda condition....