That husband of mine

So, these two days... people seemed to be getting all excited about my marriage kinda thing...

Ok... business is business.. for a green card marriage, they say the market price is 10 grant... Find me one and I bite it.

Yet, finding me that husband of mine... might be more technical...

So I thought back at them ex boyfriends of mine and how things worked...

Apparently, I went through that stage of wanting to shape myself into the common expectation of a girl kinda thing....

I tried hard and, well, guess that kinda strategy didn't quite fly...

Then, there came to the time when I met up with that jackass of mine whom I almost got married to.

So I guess, I must have met him God Knows how many years at conferences and for all those years he tried to chat me up.

I was going through this and going through that, until, one year, I said to myself... to hell... I have been single for how long... doesn't hurt for him to buy me a dinner while he or his division ended up paying for the whole table of people I collected on our way to the restaurant.

Looking back, there was attraction, passion, and many other things ending with -ion...

I hear voices and have delusional thoughts...

He has visions and believe they predict the future.

I guess, it takes one to understand one or, birds of a feather, flock together.... 8-O lol

In addition, both of us holding jobs in the same field and love them computers mucho mucho...

Yet, I guess, it is still too much for him to accept me as who I am... provided by the nature of the long distance relationship... we eventually grew apart till the time finally came when he ended the relationship via the acts of total disappearance.

It was not until maybe a year later, when he all of a sudden left and message on my answering machine... and, later, trying to get reconnect again and again through emails...

I guess I have seen breaking up in different kinds of format...

One said it's the end of it. Point blank.

One said adios and drove away cross country in Canada...

One basically went to another woman...

The only time I tried to end something... I was told we never had any meaty conversations.

With that almost husband, I guess.. you could say that we never officially broke up while silence was the most deadly form of breaking up. Perhaps, that might be what you say... a lack of closure... resulting in the endless process of breaking up... (although God knows... the confusion of interpretations)

Yet, it is not until I start to look back did I realize that... what really brought up together, fate or not, was the fact that we both are, I guess, crazy in our own way although mine could be labeled as institutional grade...

So, in the recent days, I sometimes ponder...

Other than what kinds of men could I find... what kind of man do I want...

All of a sudden, I realize...

Fate or not.... they are just not for me... simply because most of them are too normal to handle me. As for that crazy match of mine, too difficult, still, am I for him to handle...

I can't really blame them at this point... because I am even sometimes a bit too much of a handful for myself, let along God knows when I will come to true acceptance of myself.

Perhaps, if there is truly going to be someone for me to make it work, this has to be someone who could understand me better than me, given that I am in an absolute state of confusions, as well as accepting that me who is predictably getting stranger and stranger every other day.

Otherwise, it won't work... simple as that...

Then, I thought... it would take someone really inhuman to be that one.

And, inevitably, I had the feeling that... that person might exist somewhere except for it is just not yet time and that he is not yet born and it might take a few years for a birth fairly difficult.... (ok, this is starting to remind me of the matrix... 8-O lol)

Granted, finding a man is already difficult... let along finding that superman grade cuckoo cuckoo match of mine...

Yet, since they say God will grant your will as long as you ask for it... on the basis of other people's faith and belief... God, a man of such criteria I wish for... You did lead me to a close enough match the very last time... Please work on getting me the right one the next time... 8-O lol


(Think whether I am being serious once for a change? Ya, you bet, I am damn psychotically serious.... 8-O lol 8-X)