Insanity

Walking down the street and on my way home, this thought occurred to me...

This is absolutely insane for me to feel so sane...

The thing called immigration status is supposed to be something so very distressing given its consequences....

I am still in status and will be short out of status in a few days...

Yet, even after the decrease of Seroquel as well as the contextual influences, the amount of positive symptoms remain to be lower than before and I am finding the delusional beliefs such as people know me gradually dissolving one bit at a time...

I find myself coping with the situation in the same manner as I do my comparison shopping for groceries...

Surely, it could be that I am still so drugged that I am failing to sense and express my affects...

It could also be the manifestation of the negative symptoms...

Regardless...

So I walked down the street...

With this thought in mind...

I've been reading about psychotic in pain...

Next week... I will need to switch to learn more about things such as the disability law and education... to finish this class I haven't been able to attend the last two years due to life's circumstances... while, working to move through all that I could do with da immigration status since there ain't no nothing I could do about things with what I have no influence over...

And I kept on walking... with this thought in my mind... the insanity of sanity...

Or, am I starting to lose sight of my insanity? An alternative hypothesis.... 8-O

Their loss

I love how my friend had it put after my last jackass disappeared into the ether of limbo....

"That's his loss... He doesn't know what he is missing..."

Then I thought of those men I once-upon-a-time loved so dear to the extent that I might have loved them to death... and who dumped me so easily... ouch... 8-O lol

So, to ease da boo boo in my injured ego...

"It's their loss..."

Especially when I am such a great house-wife material...

3 dollar for all provided purchased in Upper Westside Manhattan.... 8-O lol

At the same time, I pondered... what kind of points does it entail to try so hard clinging to them relationships that never really gone anywhere and to get myself stuck with them guys who didn't really quite care too much of a bag of beans about me?

Then I came across this pop quiz on face book.... which led me to rethink what is important to me in a relationship in addition to love...

So I thought... companionship.... since I am sort of very much done with the madness associated with crazily in love given that I am already insane by default....

While searching for my Mr. Goodbar... those short in beans... their loss... 8-O lol

Distorted perceptions

So I thought of this short-term ex of mine... someone once-upon-a-time much cuter than Danzel Washington...

I remembered his name... Brian... something...

Yet, I have no picture of him...

So, I did some research for him... something I tried before to no avail...

Brian in crystalogy...

I got lucky this round and actually found him...

Clicked through da link leading me to his page... with a big smile on his face in the picture shown...

"Shxt!" So I thought to myself... "He ain't looking as cute as I have remembered..."

So they say... the state of being in love is equivalent to a chaotic state of imbalance in your neurotransmitters...

What it be like... distorted perceptions? lol

And... speaking of vanity fair... so vain as I am... no wonder I am pneumocephalic... 8-O lol

MO

I spoke of the fine lines I have been noticing on my face and my enlarged pores after seeing the beautiful and smooth skin on this girlfriend's face...

She picked up the candle to take a good look of my skin... and commented...

"Don't be so tough on yourself."

So I thought about this incidence just now...

It does sort seem to be my MO....

MJ

What I have learned so far about MJ's passing is that... remember the good and cherish the living.... and, most importantly, love for all...

Pain in psychosis

After browsing through the abstracts of over 400 articles (and, of course, only really scan through the abstracts with the key words pain and schizophrenia highlighted), I found two articles which provided reviews on pain perception in psychotic patients....

Hypoalgesia in schizophrenia is independent of antipsychotic drugs: a systematic quantitative review of experimental studies. (Potvin & Marchand, 2008)

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18160219

Pain Insensitivity in Schizophrenia: Trait or State Marker? (Singh, Giles, & Nasrallah, 2006)
http://journals.lww.com/practicalpsychiatry/pages/articleviewer.aspx?year=2006&issue=03000&article=00004&type=abstract (sorry for the long link)

The references used in these two articles would be a good starting point for whoever interested in research concerning the perception of pain in patients with psychotic symptoms.

The engine

After the dosage of seroquel went down by 100mg, for a few days, I was feeling so happy because I could sense the engine of my head to be moving... instead of getting caught in a state of my wanting to turn the engine but the engine doesn't turn...

Yet, nowadays, weeks after the dosage is adjusted, I am having this feeling again that the engine seems to go back to the state of not wanting to start up again...

So, when I met up with my shrink this morning, I asked him for his opinion concerning lowering the dosage a bit more because the engine of my head doesn't seem to be moving much again.... or.. I would like to go back to experience the head moving kind of feeling...

Since it's only been about a month since the dosage came down, I knew we have to wait and see a bit more....

At some point, the shrink asked with something like...

"Haven't you been doing all those equations earlier on in the year?"

He was speaking of the algorithms I was studying in spring when I took the course "Item Response Theory."

I thought about it and replied...

"The equations are simple because it is all logical. Sort of like 1+2=3... all that you have to do is to follow the mathematical logic... With the papers I have been reading, for instance, they are more complicated because there are so many components involved that you have to follow and comprehend."

And... let alone the complexity of tasks it involve to, first, comprehend the things writers talked about in their writing, second, reflect on the relevance of the writing, and, lastly, generating questions based on what I read...

On my way back from the visit, this additional thought occurred to me...

Perhaps it is just an excuse... no wonder that all that I took and I was capable to take was one class and only... since, at the point, my CPU usage was 100% already... Couldn't have been able to do more than one class anyway...

Then, later on in the day, I found myself in this situation.... within which I was required to attend to multiple tasks at one time...

So I stopped doing what I was doing because something else came up and another thing came up. There were only 3 tasks involved... Yet, after I switched my attention to the two new tasks, as I was trying to get back to what I was doing seconds because... I found myself staring away and asked myself, "What am I doing?"

Of course, one might say that this happens... except for, I have been observing this type of occurrences really frequently although I can't quite remember what I have been observing... 8-
O lol sigh

More specifically, it feels as if there is constant process of memory dump in the short term memory.... or the linkages to the activated schemata cease much easier....

Yet, the next question to be asked is that...

How could it be so very easy for me to draw references upon information processing theory in my monologue?

Duh... it might have something to do with the fact that my dissertation was based on cognitive theory and, after reading similar articles again and again, all these tiny little schema eventually gets encoded in my long term memory... In addition, after talking about the same thing again and again all these years, the path to such info might have become far more strengthen and makes it much easier to access these types of information....

If you don't believe it... think about it...

What else is new that I have been talking about recently other than the reporting of observations as well as the ensuing analysis based on nothing more than my naive theories? 8-O lol sigh

This, then, reminds me of what I came across this afternoon... the concept of ibuprofen induced pseudodementia.... http://www.theannals.com/cgi/content/abstract/37/1/80

Hopefully... and let all be pseudo and reversible...

Anti-inflamatory drug and psychosis

I have been researching for literature concerning pain and psychosis (e.g., schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder)... more specifically... looking to see what kind of pain measures are used for the researchers to perform the assessments....

Then, today, as I was going through the abstracts, I encountered several articles discussing anti-inflammatory-drug-induced psychosis....

1. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10468178
2. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8707453
3. http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/159/9/1606-a
   

It sort of got me all excited because what this line of research tells me is that... I am not crazy-- or, ok, I am crazy, yet it was actually sort of normal for me to become institutional grade kind of abnormal... (what kind of logic is that... 8-O lol 8-X)

Isn't life strange? How could what be so right be so wrong?

Sort of like what this old psychiatrist said to me one time after I provided him with observations concerning the increased level of psychotic symptoms...

He said, "It is positive."

I asked, "It is good?" 8-O

He explained, "Positive symptoms." 8-O lol

Psychological Causes of Schizophrenia (MacPherson, 2009)

MacPherson, M. (2009). Psychological Causes of Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia Bulletin, 35(2), 284-286.

As I try to look for articles concerning the assessment tools used to evaluate pain in patients with psychosis, I came across this article based on the first person account of a schizophrenic patient in the academic journal titled "Schizophrenia Bulletin."

In this article, the author shares with us the lessons he or she learned for the past 32 years. Through his accounts, the author provides us with a positive example about how patients actually could lead an independent and eventful life through consciously and constantly working on developing coping skills in general as well as in managing additional demands imposed by being a schizophrenic.

It was stated in this article: "In the discharge planning process, I made a conscious decision to return to work." In addition, "One needs to grow in life's experience and cognitive functioning. The help and support of a specialized vocational program…" I cannot agree more.

Ever since the onset of my psychosis about 10 years ago, my psychiatrist and I have been working on keeping me "vocationally functional" if possible. One thing people might not understand is that, the impacts of all health conditions are generally two-folded. One the one hand, you deal with the symptoms associated with the disorders; on the other hand, you also have to deal with the side effects of the treatment such as medication. Interestingly, over two years ago, I would have told you that the above is applicable to mental health condition. It was not until I became a handicapped in chronic pain did I realized that such is applicable to all health conditions.

I have been very lucky in this perspective because my employers have been very accommodating and I have always been able to return or remain at work even when I just got discharged from the psychiatric ward… sustaining high level of psychotic symptoms such as hallucination and delusions as well as having limited cognitive capacity due to both the symptoms and the side effects of the high-dose medications.

However, I do not quite agree with the author concerning the role of parents in the development or maintenance of schizophrenia. Personally, this sounds a bit too much like the classical attachment theory to me… What I believe, instead, is that the development and maintenance of our symptoms are very much dependent on our modus operandi in dealing with all relationships including those with our parents.

I also do not really agree with the statement that "Paranoia and paranoid states and reactions are simply child-like sates similar to a child's temper tantrum." While it is true that some parts of our delusions and hallucinations might have a more childish presence, others do take on a more adult presence. At the same time, some part of the interactions in our delusional worlds might simulate the characteristics of adult-child relationship. However, I don't feel that "a child's temper tantrum could sufficiently explain all symptoms.

I do agree with the notion that "delusions are also based in fear and paranoia and represent a false belief but have a basis in reality." I would also add "guilt" as well. Such opinion is based on my personal experiences. Coincidentally, I have come to this conclusion myself earlier this year or late last year after realizing the "horror" components of my visions, hallucinations and delusions. I have been since pondering about where to start from to resolve issues in me which might have contributed to the manifestation of my psychotic symptoms. Unfortunately, I have yet to find out how to go about doing it.

One thing I cannot stress enough is that… the psychotic symptoms we experience are or could be idiosyncratic to us. For instance, my immigration status to remain in the United States has been an issue for me for a long time, and, the immigration status has also been a major theme in my psychotic symptom. Apparently, such might not be one of the themes for those who are American or who are not aliens wishing to stay in the US.

Most importantly, I am only a fledgling psychotic in that I have only spent about 10 years of experiences dealing with psychotic symptoms etc. There is a high possibility that, as the time goes on and as the learning progress, I might eventually come to fully appreciate what the author tries to convey.

In addition, I am mostly appreciative to both the author and the editors of the journal Schizophrenia Bulletin in the efforts they put forth to publish a case study base the personal account of a Schizophrenic patient. So has it been one of my most deep-seated bias… at point, patients might have something to offer…. at least for the fellow patients...

This writing is cross-posted in my Disability in Ratology blog.

Beauty and Youth

So it was last night when I thought this dude was being pretty nasty towards this woman... whom I assume was his girlfriend...

At some point, as I looked at this lady, it looked as if she was in tears...

So I thought and said...

She should never let any man treat her like that...

She should not allow any man to treat her like that...

Than, I came to the realisation...

What I saw in her was a younger version of me...

So they say... youth is beauty except for, all too often, it is so very elegantly wasted I guess...

In my much younger and more vulnerable years... I had spent all those nights and days aching, waiting, and, mourning over those men of my dreams or nightmares... So I have had those portion of my beautiful youth elegantly wasted...

Then, when encountering that young and beautiful lady... silently taking what she was not supposed to take... in my version of her reality....

I thought to myself...

So shall I remember... refrain from wasting away my youth this way again.... for any version of the me lived will always be the younger version of myself at any given point...

Madness

When I take my daily walk, sometimes, I would drop by Barnes and Noble... These past few weeks, I discovered some books written by authors who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and personality disorder.

One of the book I have been browsing through is titled "Madness by the writer Marya Hornbacher. http://www.tower.com/books/preview/isbn/0618754458

One thought I have so far is that... OMG... tough life she has led so far...

And, at some point, when she was speaking of how she thought people knew that she was broken...

Ya... regardless the condition, the fear or the amount of courage it might entail to face our intrinsic brokenness...

Proposal-ing

Recently, I have been trying really hard to come up with a project concerning the assessment of pain...

At the beginning, I wanted to do a review on the relevant literature...

Then, at certain point, I came to the realisation that... thank God, there are pain experts out there and I will let them be the ones to voice their expert opinion because... it will be another dissertation for me shall I wanna do a complete literature review provided I need to learn enough so as to narrow the topic down... 8-O lol

So... instead, I decide to work on a proposal focusing on looking into how the experts in the field have come up with the idea that patients with psychotic symptoms are less sensitive to pain and have higher threshold for pain...

Although the proposal is still in the most drafty form and, shall I be the evaluator, I would assign the "a piece of crxp" kind of grade, I think the basic ideas are there... although the bad English could be better corrected and more literature could be added...

Perhaps, one day, I will be able to share with you what I have done...

Today, in its raw state, it just has to be kept in the file drawer for a bit longer until I have something more meaty to add...

However, the good thing about having a deadline is that... otherwise, I could still be keeping on-- reading on... Sort of like what I did when I was trying to come up with a research proposal for my dissertation... It took this good friend of mine to tell me to... "stop reading; start writing"... for me to start doing the writing process...

So, shall you ask me what I have been up to this past week and more...

I have been doing proposal-ing... 8-O lol 8-X sigh

Book

Recently, I found some books in BN written by patients with bi-polar disorder...

You see, at certain point, I had wanted to write a book, too.... and, perhaps, I still want to write a book... except for...

The longer I live, the less I know, and, how would any part of the writing ever be of any use since all that I have written and thought of must have been written and thought of by someone else already?!

Ya, what is the point of retelling the same story that has been told over and over again? Or, what would be the point-- especially when all of my own stories have been told out loud in my blogs... ain't no nothing so meaningful that I can contribute....

On a second thought, since there is never any proof that anyone really reads my blog... perhaps, there is a chance for something to be new... 8-O lol

Paradox

Something strange that has been happening lately is that, after the dosage of Seroquel went down, I have actually observed a decrease in my delusions and hallucination.... 8-O

So I thought...

I must be losing it because how is it possible for one to have fewer positive symptoms on lesser dosage of antipsychotic medication? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Unless such naive assumption is wrong?! 8-O 8-X

Assume not

A new lesson I learned or relearned recently is that...

Never assume... simply assume...

Having dealt with the ups and down of medications all these years... I have sort of come up with this assumption that....

The common side effect I experience during the decrease of meds is that the symptoms would go up and eventually go down...

So, this round, I assumed the symptoms would primarily be psychological or psychiatric....

Yet, this time, other than the fact that it did take quite a bit of work to carry myself out of the depressive mode, the increased level of annoyances has been mostly physical....

The neck and back pains have gotten worsen...

The vertigo...

And, more recently, the ear ringing that started like a train running over my right brain and finally now sounding more or less like tropical storm.... in addition to the increasing occurrences of the more conventional high pitch ringing... (It was suggested that perhaps it might be migraine... since the head does hurt at times either in the format of tension headache or needling kind of pain... might be some truth to it especially when the neck pain does seem pretty bad....)

I had my expectations and my expectations were apparently very much off...

So spoke my recent encounters to me... assume not for there is never any telling how things shall unfold...

Constipations

When the meds go down, the processing power of our brain goes up.... Yet, it usually would take a change in the dosage before you could tell the differences...

At the onset and when I had my first acute psychotic episode, I was prescribed zyprexa... and experienced all the side effects including weight gain as well as both physical and cognitive constipation...

I actually was able to be drug free for a while until, at a certain point, I realised that I was starting to have hallucinations and delusions....

When my shrink then was about to prescribe zyprexa again, I asked for an alternative because it was the time I was working on running the experiment for my dissertation and zyprexa made it impossible for me to move my head...

That was the reason why I started taking Seroquel... although, despite the early headstart, I still eventually landed in the la la land of cuckoo's nest after all...

So I thought that my head was working under the Seroquel until the time came to decrease the dosage of the meds...

It was afterwards did I come to realisation that...

Seroquel also gives me cognitive constipation except it is in a different form...

Speaking, again, of comparing apples with oranges.... both are fruit though.... 8-O lol

My head is running

After I spent hours putting up this Twitter in Education page... these two days...

I think to myself...

OMG... How amazing that my head is moving... finally... over 2 weeks after Seroquel went down by 100 mg, leaving me still on 400 mg, and despite all that I have to go through...

Then, that part of me which sees the empty part of the glass thinks....

Wouldn't it be nice if, one day, I do not need to take them meds anymore! What it be like to have my head running like it?

At the same time, I pondered... isn't it amazing that I actually manage to finish the classes I was taking? 8-O lol sigh

And, if you ask me what I mean by the head is moving... I guess, it is the feeling that thoughts actually could flow better especially when comparing to how it has been....

And, this makes me feel... despite of the wind tunnel in my ear and everything else... life is wonderful!!!

Run-away horse

Recently, I have been sort of hanging out at this website, which host a range of discussion forums for people with chronic pain, disability, depression and all other kinds of conditions....

The wonderful thing for forums as such is that... you have patients helping patients by drawing references from their own experiences....

This reminds me of this experience I had when I was in the psychiatric ward years back...

I had really tough time trying to fall asleep every night because it was as if the body has excessive energy that could not be released and... every night... my torso twitched and twitch and with my legs... I had to kick... kick... and kick...

Such is no nothing they had taught me about in the textbook...

Then, one day, I asked this fellow patient of mine who might have come in because she was more on the manic side of the being...

I asked her...

"Have you every had the feeling that you have to kick your legs in the night?"

Without hesitation, she replied with something like...

"Like a house kicks and kicks right? Tell your doctor that you are overdosed on the medication."

So I spoke with the doctor and they lowered the dosage....

And, if I recall correctly, no longer did I have to be a run-away horse in the night.... might still be a horsey at times although I was able to get rid of the running-away component of it... 8-O lol

Loving people

Every so often... I need to remind myself...

I am lucky as I am and as I have been...

Never lacking in my life and never let me forget... loving people and them people I love!!

And, the longer I live-- the more, I, them loving people encounter...

God knows how I could be so lucky....

And, at times I wonder, how could someone like me feel so... how do you label it... like... secure? 8-O lol

Unless, while some people's sense of security is defined by their wealth and fame, my sense of security nowadays is defined by my ability to see loving intentions... even though it would not hurt to be filthy rich as well... 8-O lol

Old wine in new bottle?

It was not until my head starts operate a train stations did I realize that I actually have been dealing with ear ringing all these years except for I simply just deal with it while not knowing that I have been dealing with it.... 8-O lol sigh

For instance, while I was in the psychiatric ward last year, it was much easier for me to fall asleep partially because clonzaepam was part of my daily pills. After I came out, I was only on risperdal and dapakote... Every night, after I took risperdal, it would feel like there is this magnetic field scanning through my brain... and I would hear this really really loud sounds of statics...

Don't quote me... Yet, I believe that that loud statics in my head eventually got tuned down much after I got off risperdal because the unwanted side effect such as uncontrollable drooling and involuntary shaking of body parts such as my legs in addition to the fact that I was having problem sleeping because risperdal is less sedating than Seroquel...

Afterwards, I have continued to experience the ringing in the ear especially bad during night time.... and at times, it would get so loud that it is almost unbearable and all that you could do is to pray to God to make it not so loud so that you could fall asleep...

However, all these have just been the ordinary part of my bedside encounters…

Funny enough… it was not until the train started running over my right brain did I realize that I have had tinnitus throughout all these years although they have been in a different form... 8-O lol

And, if you ask me, is it better to have high pitch ringing or statics kinda buzzing or to have them run-away train kinda annoying sounds?

I can’t really tell you since each kind of experience has the Dasein moments affiliated with it….

Then, yesterday, as I was hanging out with some friends, I was asked something like… at least it is ear ringing—not hearing voices…

Without thinking, I found myself responded with the following comments…
“(with voices), at least you are listening to people talk…”

On a second thought… again… it is sort of difficult to make comparison between apple and orange even though they both are fruit… 8-O lol

In any case, as the song goes... OH!啥咪攏不驚 OH!向前行... However bad or foolish it might seem... you just gotta keep on walking on... keep moving on... 8-O lol



作詞：林強 作曲：林強 編曲：羅紘武
火車漸漸在起走 再會我的故鄉和親戚
親愛的父母再會吧 到陣的朋友告辭啦
阮欲來去台北打拼 聽人講啥物好康的攏在那
朋友笑我是愛做暝夢的憨子 不管如何路是自己走
OH!再會吧! OH!啥咪攏不驚 OH!再會吧! OH!向前行

車站一站一站過去啦 風景一幕一幕親像電影
把自己當作是男主角來扮 雲遊四海可比是小飛俠
不管是幼稚也是樂觀 後果若按怎自己就來擔
原諒不孝的子兒吧 趁我還少年趕緊來打拼
OH!再會吧! OH!啥物攏不驚 OH!再會吧! OH!向前走

台北台北台北車站到啦 欲下車的旅客請趕緊下車
頭前是現在的台北車頭 我的理想和希望攏在這
一棟一棟的高樓大廈 不知住有多少像我這款的憨子
卡早聽人唱台北不是我的家但我一點攏無感覺

Run away them run-aways

Today is the 4th day since my head started operation a Ratology train station inside of itself... the run-away trains still comes and goes... However, when comparing to what it feels like on Friday, the experiences are more bearable....

On Friday, I actually had to take off from work in search of a way to get rid of them scary trains running through the right hemisphere of my brain...

Every time the train goes by, I had to stop doing whatever I was doing for.. in addition to hearing the 轟轟轟 kind of sounds fading in and out, it also feels as if the right side of the brain would become tightened and somehow vibrates along with the sound as well...

When it is very loud, I actually had to use my hand to attempt to block sounds perceived by the right ear... Well, although the sounds coming from the inside is unblockable... at least I could sort of block out the sounds coming from the outside so as to reduce the amount of sensory stimuli the right ear has to be process... I guess...

These two days, the sounds have become more bearable...

Is it because the loudness has gone down or is it because I am learning to deal with it? I have no idea... since there is no reliable measure for it....

Yet, one thing I could tell you is that... in general, I am finding myself to be in a better state than before now that the tinnitus seems to be more bearable....

Today, I am finding myself very much coming out of that depressive state of mind.... and, while being able to acknowledge the issues I have in life, I am able to see things from a more realistic and positive perspective...I am no longer entrapped by a catastrophic worldview within which anything Mickey mouse grade could turn into catastrophes.

I am finding the sense of motivation emerging again... Something I have been trying to reclaim for the past months or two....Let it be an excuse... Yet, after being good in reducing my daily cigarette consumption to 4 a day, I have fallen out of the wagon and got back to my smokes after falling victim to that amotivated state of being...

So, it was Friday when the right hemisphere of my brain was constantly run over by them run-away train....On that day, both my doctors suggested me to go back up 100 mg to 500 mg again on Seroquel...

I politely refused and requested my doctor to give me a bit more time to see whether the impacts of the vertigo and run-away trains would eventually become lessen if not cease.

So I told my shrink...

It took me all these time to eventually come out of the crying for no reason grade of depression as well as to see my brain working a bit better than how it has been throughout all these times as evident by my ability to process texts....Since I have not observed increase in the level of delusions and hallucinations, I would like to stay with the current dosage and wait and see whether vertigo and tinnitus would eventually fade...

Then, this lady in a discussion board shared with me about the fact that she also experiences increase in tinnitus in the form buzzing or a very high pitched pressured ringing every time she has to go through the adjustment of meds such as Seroquel, Zyprexa... and... they would eventually become less annoying if not going away...

That gives me a sense of hope… for… perhaps… eventually the train station in my head would go somewhere else…

At least, thank God, there is no honking involved...



張秀卿 - 車站

火車已經到車站，
阮的心頭漸漸重；
看人歡喜來接親人
阮是傷心來相送。
無情的喇叭聲音聲聲彈，
月台邊依依難捨心所愛的人
火車已經過車站，
阮的目眶已經紅；
車窗內心愛的人，
只有期待夜夜夢！

Run-away train again

This train station in my right ear, if not the Right hemisphere of my head, was making it very difficult for me to fall asleep....

The problem associated with them sounds of training running inside of your own ear is that... the ear plugs wouldn't work... sort of the same dilemma one has to face when your auditory hallucinations are talking your ears off... from the inside...

Since I was also experiencing some swallowing problem, I used two pillows to lift my head a bit higher up.... and, if I recall correctly, though the run-away train still came and went... I eventually woke up this morning....

The only challenge I am expecting to face is that... falling asleep tonight without having too many trains coming by the station....

At some point after the whole running train kinda thing started happening, I thought of this comment made by this friend of mine about the TV show "House"...

Essentially, the show is to sad to watch because, most of the times, House could always get to the correct diagnosis and patients would get all cured.... Yet, such is not necessarily the case in real life...

Wouldn't it be so nice shall it be real life?!

Yet, one thing I have to say is that... it is sort of more bearable today when comparing to yesterday....

Hopefully, eventually, the train would go away.... and soon....

Then, I pondered... after the dosage went down by 100 mg for Seroquel, I was actually expecting a bit of over activities in my delusions and hallucinations.... Yet, so far, I haven't really experienced too many of them and, in reality, I actually seem to have been experiencing fewer psychotic symptoms--- although don't quote me... 8-O lol

What it be like shall them run-away train be an alternative version of my hallucinations? 8-O OMG... except for... these sounds could actually be triggered by activities such as drinking water or even simply swallowing saliva?! 8-O

Ratology Train Station update

After I got home from my doctor's visit about the train station I am operating in my right ear, I continue to do my swinging exercise... After a while, I decided to take a Naproxen since my back and neck condition seems to have lead to this thing called headache condition...

At this point, the sound of train passing by has tuned down much and the frequency has gone down as well...

One rationale I have about my new found talent is that...

I got all wet when trying to take my daily walk in the pouring rain yesterday morning.... by the time I got home, my jeans were soaking wet all the way up to my thigh and my jacket was wet as well... In addition, I was handling the glacier when trying to defrost the freezers...

In other words, the cold and the ice might be two of the culprits... Both might have contributed to the train station phenomena... as well as the worsening of the pains here and there...

The moral of the lesson... don't play with ice and avoid walking in the rain... especially in the monsoon kind of rain which could get you all wet.... (and, man, didn't my doctor tell me to avoid water and wind while doing my swinging thing?!)

In addition, as I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep last night, there was this strange sensation that, instead of having the qi flowing from head down... Strangely, I actually felt the energy coming from my feet up...

Apparently, this posting is operated under the qi hypothesis...

As the train goes by

After the dosage of Seroquel went down by 100 mg, I have been having fainting spells left and right every time I move my head a bit and every time I close my eyes... such as in the shower or when going to bed... (strange concept to feel dizzy when in bed already... 8-O)

Then, something started to change yesterday...

The fainting spell seemed to be fading...

However, I started to hear this ringing in my ear... when the ringing starts, it feels as if the brain on the right side becomes all tightened up and vibrates as the sound of a train passing by or a river flood...

This experience makes me wonder... am I having a seizure or spasm in the head?

Since these symptoms occur after the dosage of Seroquel went down... I have to assume some association between the adjustment of medication and ensuing symptoms...

At the same time, how true might these assumption be?

Housework

I spent a majority of today trying to defrost the freezer with my mom....

Finally, after a whole lot of struggle with the glacier, we were able to get all them ice out and clear up a whole lot of space for the storage of food.

After I got the last chunk of ice out, I happily announced to my mom...

"Never done so much housework in my life... Now I can go get married..."

Mama responded...

"Absolutely true that you have never done so much housework in your entire life.... and you were already marriable the day you learn to cook beef with the oven."

8-O lol

So they me taught

Although I am not working, everyday I go to work on schedule... It was an intuition that tells me to do so... (once for a change when I know da ist not delusions 8-O lol sigh)

It has remained a naive theory of mine until I came across the following summarization of work-related literature today... something I might have come across earlier on as I was out of work due to my temporary total disability...

"...research have found that regardless the level of medical condition, it is better to keep people at work for when people are separated from their workplace, they and their families are at a higher risk of suffering from outcomes such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, social isolation, family dissolution… etc (Atkinson, Liem, & Liem, 1986; Hammarstrom & Janlert, 1997; Kaplan et al., 1987; Mrazek & Haggerty, 1994; Rahmqvist & Carstensen, 1998)." link


To be honest, from the very beginning, some part of me knew this is what I need to do to survive all the strange encounters such as esophageal spasm, dry mouth, mood swing, anxiety attack kinda symptoms etc...

So I thought... I am lucky... for, at least partially, my health saves by work... and, perhaps, what they, in school, had me taught.... 8-O lol

Discrimination

I just came with this brilliant idea today about my mourning and groaning about all that I could conceive of...

All of a sudden, the light ball went off and I realised that...

OMG... Am I discriminating people by the length of the itemised list of their problems and conditions?! 8-O lol

Then I thought of a comment made by a friend of mine when I mentioned to her the thought of my not being good enough for no one since I am... blah blah blah.... when I was going through some bad depressive times experiencing symptoms such as uncontrollable weeping if not crying attacks last week...

My friend looked at me and laughed... and replied to me with something like...

"You can't be serious about making your judgment based on double-checking how many problems people have? It's like.... ok... your list is not long enough... please take the list and go somewhere else.... And, of course, they would be happy to take their list and go somewhere else..." 8-O lol

So this thought came to my head earlier this morning...

OMG... That is discrimination against people based on their health status.... 8-O lol

That ain't so nice and... God... so I have sinned.... 8-O lol

At the same time... I guess... I could settle for guys with less... 8-O lol

What have I done lately?

I don't really know what I mean by lately...

How do you define lately? Should it be measured by the day, week, month or year?

Then I looked back and looked past one of the major bench mark in my life... June 19th, 2007... the day a strange fall took my life apart... and, in strange ways, pulled myselves together...

In retrospective and when rereading my own writing, I came to the realisation that... the entire journey is about recovery if not healing....

On a bad day, I vent and I complain...

On a good day, I feel my life is worth living....

On days in between.... mixed feelings...

So if some part of the purpose of my life has to do with my experimentations and observations, the one and only study I have conducted through out all these years affords me only some case study with these few plausible conclusions in the following....

Disordered as them thoughts might be... neurotic or psychotic in nature... it is not necessary that we lose our metacognition....

Regardless how normal or abnormal one might seem, coping is coping and having the intent to cope itself is encouraging.... let along there doesn't seem to be any standard way for coping...

In addition, don't be too harsh on yourself if you don't think you are coping ineffectively or inefficiently.... because you are the patient and God created doctors for a reason... 8-O... speaking of the power of social loafing...

One last thought... although excessive writing without meaning is a characteristics of psychosis.... regardless that intrinsic fear that someone else might read your writing.... it ain't so bad for you to write because, although there ain't no nothing under the sun that has not been written before, you are entitled to do it in ways that you could call your own... even if no one gives a rat's ass about your thoughts.... 8-O lol

Then, on a day like today when I am less depressed, I think to myself... perhaps, away hasn't my life been squandered whether anyone else believe it or not... disordered or not such a thought... 8-O lol sigh

In addition, what is normal without the contrast of them abnormal? In other words, without people me and alike... there won't be you and shall you ever exist who consider yourself absolutely normal.... because we are the (error) variances-- the essential ingredient for statistical analyses... 8-O lol

Beware

The movie Looking for Mr. Goodbar came into my friend and my discussion the other night...



Then, I came across the movie American Psycho tonight...



The moral of the lesson... even though there might be a lot of nice people out there, you always need to be careful because some people could be bad like them in the movies....

Always gotta beware of them scary bad wolfies out there like the one in the little red ridding hood... and this is why we have to be careful...

On a second thought, them hyenas in Lion King seem to be scarier.... 8-O lol

My portrait

More exactly, this is my portrait when in psychiatric ward last year... a nut-case with a walker.... 8-O lol

At the same time, metaphorically, it also describes my current state of being... a realisation I just came up with earlier today....

Despite the ups and downs associated with the change of dosage in Seroquel, one thing remains... sort of like how the song "one head light" goes... with my head... I turn the engine but the engine doesn't turn...

Yes, I try to motivate myself to read them articles and to write them papers....

Yet, the engine of my head just wouldn't turn and the fountain of motivation just won't flow...

Could anyone ever understand how it feels and might anyone else out there wonder, like me, that I am simply lazy and that is all?

Subject

Every so often when I read research paper concerning conditions I am affiliated with, I would wish that I could be one of the subjects included in the study.... to help us all gaining a better understanding in whatever condition it might be...

For instance, I actually had asked this friend of mine who is sort of a big shot in radiology who does clinical research on patients with schizophrenia.

Unfortunately, the response I got from him was a big negative...

One of the study he mentioned to me was that, as a participant, I would have to go off my meds for some duration of time to clean the meds out of my system... Knowing my own condition.... I went... no way Jose... already difficult enough to keep my head together while medicated... ain't quite make sense for me to lose my already pretty loosed head for some study that might get file in the drawer...

On a second note, I wondered to myself... how does this kind of study ever pass the IRB considering it requires patients who need drugs to control psychotic symptoms to go off their meds... 8-O

Essentially, I don't really fit the criteria for the selection of participants.... while one major problem involved in conducting research studies is the recruitment for participation...


Leaving me with only one thing to offer... anecdotal... 8-O lol sigh

Lorenzo's Oil

Quotes from a part of the movie "Lorenzo's Oil"...



“Let’s have a show of the hands..”

“No. No. That would be misleading. Now the medical folks call this kind of evidence anecdotal.”

“What is wrong with the show of the hands?”

“It wouldn’t have any meaning…”

“May I say something? The only way the doctors could get useful results is with strict protocol and and statistical sample in the control group “

“And proper timeframe… Doctors have to be very careful… clinical trials must withstand a tremendous amount of scrutiny.”

“This is the way the medical science works… This is the only way scientist could get the useful information that they need.”

Interesting how the context of the discussion would lead us into different interpretations... so speaks the theories about script and the priming effects...

The following is the playlist for the whole movie...



Also check out the The Myelin Project @ http://www.myelin.org/

Nice song...

Just heard this song... and thought... what a nice song... expect for... no.. no playing with fire... burning no good...

unfortunately... doesn't allow for embedding...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLqOwiZ8n5I

Wallflowers
Bringing Down the Horse (1996)
One Headlight

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

Chorus:
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end-it's just her window ledge

(chorus)

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me

(chorus)

Weeping moments

Despite the decrease of Seroquel dosage, them moments of weeping and tearing for no reason remains.... I only hope that the day would come soon for it to come to an end.

It's been a while since I last experience depressive symptoms as such....

You do cry for no good reason and the tears were ready... on stand by...

It seems like the decrease of the dosage actually allows the depression to manifest itself....

And, apparently, I was too drugged out to feel its impacts... 8-O lol sigh

And, least, thank God, I am building no delusional ideology about whether them weeping dasein moments.... (knock on wood...)

For the time being and since I have no intention of getting myself back on antidepressant, I just have to keep on walk and doing my swing exercises as well as taking them Vitamins....

One thing I could say is that... just gotta wait till it past... and it shall past...

Strange world.... Strange life... 8-O lol sigh

By the way, something new this round of trying to lower the dosage of Seroquel... from this morning on... I would at time feeling light-headed... wonder whether this could be the symptoms of withdrawal... Will see how it goes tomorrow...

Life, love and work

So said Freud... "Leben, Lieben, arbeiten"...

Was having this talk with this friend of mine earlier on today....

Spoke of work and, later, life and love... and health as well as sickness and the ultimate threats to destroy it all...

So I said... them nights fearing for life with them esophageal spasms and them certain kinds of delusions...

It was those experiences and a bit more that lead me to this conclusion....

Ain't no nothing more important... in life... health...

And, deal with whatever shall befall.. and.. live life one day at a time... loving the people you love.... Simple as that.... Guess that's all...

(And, most of times, I've got no idea what the heck I am talking about... this... I am quite sure... I think...)

In Pain and Of Mental

I have a dream... one day, I am going to find a world of literature showing chronic pain could lead to the worsening of psychotic symptoms with the underlying model in human all figured out...

Yet, to date, the only thing I could find is a case study reporting how a lady who initially reported tick bites eventually had a full-blown psychotic episode... Good luck to her and wish her a full recovery and no more relapses...

When scanning through the Chapter Assessment of Psychiatric Disorder in the Handbook for Pain Assessment, the authors did a, presumably, comprehensive review of pain-related psychiatric disorders including Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorders, Somatiform Disorders as well as Substance Abuse and Dependence. Yet, there is not much mentioning about psychosis.

In line with the structure of the above chapter, when searching for literature concerning pain and psychosis, it appears to me that the consensus the experts has achieved so far is that people with psychosis are insensitive to pain and have high pain threshold..... 8-O

I do have to mention that there do exist literature looking into the the pain perceptions of pain as part of the delusions and hallucinations.

Granted, much has been written about how depression often follows the onset of chronic pain and how patients with depression have the propensity to report worse pain level in various dimensions (as long as you don't ask me how they come up with the baseline since I have not had the chance yet to go much into the original research papers).

Of course, despite of my idiopathic pain, one thing I am trying to accomplish is to understand how my psychiatric condition, namely, although Schizo (psychotic) also affective (neurotic), might have had an impact on the unfolding of my recovery process from my spinal injuries and chronic pain, and, how pain might have had an impact on my psychiatric condition, be it Schizo (psychotic) or affective (neurotic).

As you could tell through them purple texts, it appears that more studies have done and theories have been formed concerning the association between depressive symptoms and pain.

Maybe it has something to do with the garbage-can nature of da Schizo syndrome, there seems to be far less research done in examining psychotics in excruciating pain.

This leads me to wonder...

How does my being both psychotic and neurotic, or, both the propensity for insensitivity and sensitivity to pain, have an impact on my pain experiences? Is there an additive effect when they simply cancel each other out or might there be an interaction effect although I am not quite sure how they might interact? Unless, it is simply choosing the more miserable outcome effect I am pondering about and speaking of.... Or, what it be like if the pain I was supposed to perceive should have actully be more.... 8-O lol sigh

And, perhaps, the specific topic I have in mind concerning pain assessment would be around the alley of the assessment of pain for people with some kind of mental health condition(s).... with the pain, perhaps, neuropathic?

(This writing is cross-posted in my Ratology in Disability Blog)

I am adj1 but I am adj2

What a classic... 我很醜可是我很溫柔 or I am ugly but I am gentle by the, to be honest, sort of obeying-traffic-rule looking singer... 趙傳

Calculating the distance between dream and reality.... so the song goes...

I especially love it when he goes... "I am ugly but I am gentle..."



It is as if you could replace the word ugly with whatever adjective that could be used to define you... the very-so-often-beaten-down-left-and-right modern heros defined by the character played by Bruce Willis in "Die hard" and alike.... 8-O lol

And, yes, maybe you are like me who is like da little bird that can't seem to be able to fly high... However, as long as you try... something you do will show you the hero within you...



Simply as that... we all have our trade and we all have our voices... like the trumpet of da swan...



And, yes, grandious or not, ain't no nothing wrong to, I guess, at times, acknowledge da little modern hero within you.... (under the assumption that no one is perfect and nobody's life is perfect unless yours is... 8-O lol 8-X)



每一個晚上　在夢的曠野　我晨驕傲的巨人　每一個早晨　在浴室鏡子前　
卻發現自己活在剃刀邊緣在鋼筋水泥的叢林裡　在呼來喚去的生涯裡
　
計算著夢想和現實之間的差距　我很醜可是我很溫柔　外表冷漠　內心狂熱　
那就是我　我很醜可是我有音樂和啤酒　一點卑微　一點懦弱　可是從不退縮
　
每一個早晨　在都市的邊緣　我是孤獨的假面　每一個晚上　在音樂的曠野　
卻變成狂熱嘶吼的巨人　在一望無際的舞台上　在不被了解的另一面
　
發射出生活和自我的尊嚴　我很醜可是我很溫柔　白天黯淡　夜晚不朽　
那就是我　我很醜　可是我有音樂和啤酒　有時激昂　有時低首　非常善於等候

Never mad

On my way home, I walked past these two college kids... overheard what the guy was saying...

"...never mad."

Of course, I knew the self-referential kinda ideology was doing its work getting itself incorporated into my long term memories, possibly.... 8-O lol sigh

Then, I thought to myself... although only have my dosage down for one day, affects and emotions seem to have become more accessible to me....

"... never mad..." So I thought...

Then, my evil twin who is actually this me spoke...

"I am not ever mad... When I am really mad, I would like to choke them with my esophagus spasm, terrorise them with my delusional horror, overcome them with them seemly unfounded emotion, flood them with my idiopathic pain and bombard them with them auditory hallucinations...." 8-O oops lol...

Then, I thought... oops... not very nice.... lady.... do no harm... do no harm...

At the same time, it seems like I am getting more in touch with myself... Guess I am done with shock and denial... and here comes anger... 8-O lol sigh

Then, I thought again... one sentence summarising it all... can't be too bad... I guess... 8-O lol

In addition, it can't be too healthy to process them it can't be too healthy to process them emotions not...

What it be like.. it is because I have not yet learned the skills of dealing with 七情六慾... As a result, they have no way to get released that they have to hide into my unconsciousness and manifest themselves as my delusions and hallucinations... (Nice hypothesis yet hard to prove...)

First day 400 mg

Last night was the first night I have my Seroquel dosage down by 100 mg... 400 mg I took that is..

Whether it is the placebo effect or not, when I laid down in bed, I seemed to feel lighter... not as tight...

One more night not having to deal with the esophageal spasm that makes fear that I might choke to death one of these nights...

I was able to fall asleep without the need for ambien as well...

The day started with nothing unusual... except for the world at large seems to be more clear to me... more real to me... or... less foggy....

Then, as I was sitting in front of the computer summarising some research articles I have encountered...

I felt this vibration in my head... hallucinations they were... feeling as if they were ready to jump right out....

So I thought... the scary thing about the time of change....

Then I thought of them emotions that had me overcome...

If I am careful, so shall the emotions stabilized as well as the plausible increase of psychotic symptoms....

Have to be careful....

Overcome by..

This has been happening to me...

Out of no where, I would be overcome by this emotion feeling that would bring me to a tearing and weeping state.... out of no where....

Sad... so sad... or... moved so moved...

Then, as the emotion is released... I would get back to the more ordinary mode as if it has never occurred...

Then, yesterday, as I was speaking to my shrink about my being overcome by the emotion....

It clicked... loud and clear...

So they have mentioned so many a time... the depressive symptom of crying for no reason....

Or, for a reason....

tardive dyskinesia and Vitamins

Found this article published in the American Journal of Psychiatry online.

The authors conducted a study to examine the effects of Vitamin B-6 in treating schizophrenia patients with tardive dyskinesia. The patients were randomly assigned to either the experimental group, who receive Vitamin B-6, or the control group, who receives the placebo.

The symptom severity was measured using Extrapyramidal Symptom Rating Scale. Results seems to suggest the beneficial effect of Vitamin B-6 at the dosage of 300 mg per day in treating the tardive dyskinesia conditions. It was suggested that the observed effects might have something to do with the antioxidant and free radical scavenger activities of vitamin B6 although the authors aren't not quite sure how it works exactly....

In case you wonder, many free radicals have been found to be associated with the development of psychopathologic symptoms and movement disorders. I guess it is the free radical scavenger activities that ate up them free radicals runnin around in our systems. In addition, I can't quite tell you whether there were other studies replicating similar results since I haven't gotten the chance to do more research on the topic...

In addition, somewhere out there I read that Vitamin E might also be helpful in treatment tardive dyskinesia although I haven't had the chance to review the original articles yet....

The moral of the lesson... gotta make sure I take my vitamin Bs and E from now on.... whether the theory holds true or not in my scenario...

In addition, the following page provides a list of food high on Vitamin E.... and Vitaim B...

So... after I read about them research studies, I took a trip down to buy me some Almonds since it is on discount at Rite Aid this week... Almonds are supposed to be one of the greatest source for vitamin E... secon to Wheat Germ only...

(This writing is cross-posted in my Disability in Ratology Blog)

tardive dyskinesia

tardive dyskinesia... no wonder I am slow.... 8-O lol sigh

tardive dyskinesia and esophagus spasm

Just came back from my visit to the shrink...

Apparently, there is some agreement between my primary doctor and my shrink... and based on their simple neurological test... such as sticking my tongue out...

The side effect of Seroquel might be taking its toll on my sensory-motor coordination... and I might be experiencing the symptoms of tardive dyskinesia...

In other words, tardive dyskinesia could be the reason why I experience bad esophageal spasm at bed time after taking Seroquel before sleep...

Isn't it lovely... it just kept on coming... 8-O lol sigh

To test this theory out, sort of, today, the dosage of Seroquel will go down by 100 mg with the new dosage being 400 mg... In addition, Clozapam and Ambien would be the meds to deal with the plausible elevating level of anxiety and sleep disturbance...

Walker

For years, I do not want to use my mental health condition as a crutch... an excuse for anything at all...

Then, I am asked to provide some compelling reason for my having been a lost soul in limbo, not able to get things finished like any ordinary soul, especially, I guess, for the time past this past two years or so...

The answer is simple...

I was in pain and unable to move. At some point, I became depressed and later I was overwhelmed by the increased level of psychotic symptom... so mental that I went into the psychiatric ward... And, I try to recover one step and a time... with the recovery process moving forward and backwards at its own leisure...

Sort of like the process of working on a dissertation when, some days, all that you could afford to do is to delete two or three paragraphs...

So I sent out something like the above as the rationale.... or the compelling reason...

Then, as the email went out... dramatising or not... I felt it in my heart... cut like a knife... Ouch... and Ouch some more... (and, psychosomatisation... so it is...)

Something I would never want to do while, perhaps, it is something I need to learn to do... to accept and acknowledge the impacts...

Fight no more... acknowledge the impact and move on doing whatever else you could do to live on with your beautiful life....

So I thought... a crutch...

Then, it occurred to me... this vision of the past... both physically and mentally handicapped... my trying to move around in the psychiatric ward using a walker... not a cane... not a crutch... a walker... 8-O lol sigh

From Ratology Reloaded

Going from never using the word "suffering" and tauting the term "insanity".... today, these two words finally emerge in my dictionary... 8-O lol sigh

So I thought... this is another life's lesson for me to learn... after all these times... something unnecessary (and, hopefully, incomprehensible) for them lucky normal people...

And, like how the song goes...

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you

Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out

Helping you out

Now that all has been said and done...

So I think to myself...

Ain't no nothing so bad anyways....

Are you afraid of me?

Once in a while, we read what others have to say.... like this article...

And, some part of writing brings you back to the reality in life...

And, you wonder about things like...

Are people or could people be afraid of me even though I don't think that I am all that scary? 8-O lol

Then, I pondered...

The last jackass from hell that I had was the only jackass from hell I had after the onset...

Perhaps, I might be afraid that people might be afraid of me... and, that fear, could very well be my own projection.... 8-O

And, I thought further...

Perhaps, I should stop calling that jackass a jackass... because at least he accepted me as mes regardless whether he knew or not what he was accepting... especially when I don't even know what exactly I am accepting about myself... 8-O lol sigh

Then, this thought came to my mind...

What it be like... this is the reason why he had disappeared all of a sudden? 8-O

Oopsy... it hurts... da boo boo... Gotta say....

Yet, shall it be true... how could I blame him for it for how could I blame someone else for not knowing how to do something I have absolutely no idea about... such as accepting myselves? 8-O lol sigh...

And, shall you ask me where my fear resides... might have something to do with the uncertainty about all the things I have no ideas that I have no idea about....

Signs

I came across this listing of warning sign of schizophrenia....

Well, I was never really diagnosed with schizophrenia... the closest it could get is schizoaffective... 8-O lol sigh...

Among them, two really stands out...

Excessive writing without apparent meaning.... 8-O

So this is the reason why the blog is populated so often.... 8-O lol

And... Unusual sensitivity to stimuli (noise, light) ..

No wonder sounds so very easily perceived as noise.... 8-O

Except for, if I recall correctly, before the onset, I used to be a big time party girl and I used to go clubbing on a weekly basis having no problem dealing without loud sounds... considering them not as noise?

The proposal

As I was cooking my noodles for dinner, I heard this question....

"Will you marry me?"

This is great... a proposal in hallucination.... apparently, I really have marrying myself off in my mind... and it's gotta have something to do with the thing called the biological clock calls... lol 8-X

This kinda hallucination and delusion reminds me of the time when I was a psychology intern in the inpatient ward back in College. There was this lady who always hang out by the station asking for her husband... the resident doctor who has been assigned to her.

She actually was a very nice and happy lady other than having pretty strong delusional system and, I guess, experience a whole lot of hallucinations.

At certain point, it was decided that perhaps it would be a good idea to switch to another doctor. It apparently did not make this lady happy... towards the end, they had to assign her back to her husband doctor.

The auditory hallucination I heard somehow leads me to wonder...

What could have been in the mind of da lady in the cuckoo cuckoo's nest almost two decades back?

Perhaps, at some point, she also heard in her head the doctor proposing to her which led her to believe that she and the doctor was a pair... and perhaps in love with each other.... 8-O lol 8-X

Unfortunately, at that point, I simply found it funny... and did not take the chance to ask her... what make you think the doctor is your husband.... whether she would share it or not... 8-O lol 8-X

My fine eggs

During a conversation with someone yesterday, I spoke of how it would be nice to get married and make some babies since my perfectly fine eggs are getting old with me...

"You know you could adopt..." So he replied.

"But I want to have some kids of mine." So I replied.

"How vain!" So he responded...

And, I went... 8-O lol

First time encounter an interesting perspective as such... I gotta say.... 8-O lol

My response?

"I just wanna make a few little me running around... that would be so nice..." 8-O lol

And, speaking of egocentrism... 8-O lol

Then, I thought ago...

Oops... already a handful handling one me, would be some tough job to handle even one other me... OMG... 8-O lol

Cutie pies

Back awhile ago, one day I was sitting hanging out with this lady friend of mine...

She looked at the cutie pie and made a comment... something like..

"What a pretty boy... would like to take him home except for I don't know which way he goes... "

I remember how I went... 8-O lol

So I thought... it must be nice to be delusional not or to be older because you can say anything you want to say and worry not.... 8-O lol

Da esophagus

When I went to sleep last night, as I laid there in bed, I had this funny feeling that the esophagus seemed to be getting to do something funky again... and I was awake wondering when I could eventually fall asleep again..

So I got up, took a bit of a pear and drink some water...

As I was going to pop one more of da pills, something told me not...

I went back to bed....

Thinking about the hypothesis of the spasm might have something to do with acid reflux...

Pondering about the fact that I could only identify the spasm when I lay down...

I put another pillow on top of the one I always use to elevate my head....

And, that seemed to have solved the problem at least for last night....

Uninhibited and legal

So I went and hang out a bit...

Towards the end of the night, there came this gentleman who looked sort of out of the place sitting next to me...

My first intuition was...

This guy is not really in the right place...

After sort of engaging in some conversation with him... and realising that he had come from DC...

I thought... with my latent-uninhibited mind...

What about it... the guy had come from the department of homeland security to check on what the hell I am doing at the bar...

So I thought...

Thank God almighty...

Ain't no nothing I have done is illegal.... and all things I have done so far I have abided to law... including, the most scary thing, the laws of nature..

Then I thought again...

Oops... so speaks da mind latent-uninhibited.... Isn't it so nice to simply acknowledge the flow of da latent-uninhibited mind as long as I remember to bring it back?

So they say... better than fiction... 8-O lol

Defeats

It was a funny day...

The day I came to senses with myself....

It was last night... when I made the posting about how we might take a detour in life to reach where we might come to be... in terms of being able for people with mental health condition to achieve what they want to achieve...

Today, I still believe in the comments I have made the day before...

Then, today, I revisited this posting made by someone who stated that he or she has to quit school for some time...

I rethought about it and I realise...

It was one of the lesson that I have never learned... or mastered...

It is my MO to push things through...

Continue living my life... regardless how my condition might be...

I push it through and I didn't want to look back...

Yet, like how the song goes...

It take more strength to cry and admit defeat...

I have never really had the strength to come face to face with myself and face the defeats in life....

I simply push through and did not want to look back.

Then, when rethinking about the statement of that other person, I came to the realisation...

Why does it take so long a time for me to come to such a realisation?

All these years of, perhaps, grilling... why couldn't I simply admit that those have been the bad times?

What is so difficult for me to admit them as the bad times?

Why did I have to insist on being strong and break?

Why couldn't I simply let myself be in touch of the circumstance, let myself bend and admit to myself that...

So the time is...

The bad time....

Could this be one of the optimal lessons that I shall grasp?

And, why does it take so long... the realisation to find...

The time, presumably, wasted away in disability and pain... within which my life was put to a stop... in addition to the ensuing worsening of my mental state...

Why couldn't I grasp, even remotely, a life lesson simple as that?

To summarise today's finding...

Shall you unfortunately be one with the propensity for some kind of breakdown in whatever propensity...

It is OK to admit the defeat and step down temporarily....

Ain't no nothing wrong about it...

Regardless where you are and who you are...

It is a lesson I finally come to grasp... after all these years of trying to stand still in the face of ups and down...

A lesson afforded by life and its circumstances....

So I thought of this comment someone made when I asked this question...

"Why is it so hard for me to move on and live a life everyone else's lead? What does God want from me?"

Such was the response I got...

"Perhaps God is not quite sure what to do with you..." 8-O

So I pondered...

Perhaps, it might have something to do with my inability to learn to admit them inconvineinces in life....

Perhaps, so is the reason why Ratology has to reload and the same reason why ratology is reloading.... wherever I am and wherever I might be....

The most important thing is that...

Today, I shade a tears or two... Tomorrow, I know I will be fine...

Today, I ponder about where to find someone who could love me so that I could get married and get da green card.... Tomorrow, I know somehow I shall be fine... 8-O lol

Or, is there ever a lesson to be learned?

Why pain now

As I was taking the shower, I tried to think of the plausible reason why I, all of a sudden why be in such much pain... above and beyond the contribution of da theory that I might have slept wrong two night ago...

1. One theory would be that this is a form of psychosomatisation.... the pain has come back out because I am undergoing high stress level....
2. Another theory would be that I am more studious than I know... Since I have to go back to the pain literatures, my body and mind or my conversion disordered self decided to bring pain back out as the supplementary learning materials... 8-O 8-X lol sigh

And, if you ask me, what about them pains running around different places...

1. The first theory would be it is the manifestation of psychomatisation... whatever that means...
2. A second theory I have is that it has something to do with the qi moving....
3. The third and last theory would be... my prefrontal cortext is going out of wack and it is interpreting signals that might not even exist...

8-O lol 8-X

Da model to assess pain

I am reading this chapter in the Handbook of pain. Although I have yet to finish the chapter, I came up with thoughts in purple texts when trying to understand the above based on my painful mental model... 8-O lol sigh

In this chapter, the authors adopted the pain context model within which pain is considered as a latent construct, similar to depression or anxiety, that cannot be observed directly and can only be inferred. At the same time, when it comes to the measurement of latent constructs, all too often, even the best measures or indicators might not be closely related. It is because the components of the same construct might not always occur synchronously or in the same configuration.

For instance, some people might report pain but not manifest non-verbal pain behavior; other people might manifest non-verbal pain behavior but do not report pain; still others might show non-verbal pain behavior and report pain at the same time.

Due to the multidimensional nature of pain, we have to identify the relevant dimensions before we could proceed with its measurement. Despite the discrepancies among the different measures available in the market, four dimensions are currently assessed in all patients including the intensity (e.g., 7 on a 10 point scale), affect (e.g., distress), quality (e.g., dull, sharp) and location (e.g., cervical, lumbar, finger) of pain. Among these four dimensions, pain affect is possibly more complex than the rest. It is because pain affect is a mental state triggered by the individual appraisal of the threat; it, thus, could be manifested as a heterogeneous group of emotional reactions.


This reminds me of a conversation I had with my workers’ com adjuster. I called her while I was really in pain and found myself inable to lift my feet or something like that. So she talked and talked… till I had to tell her to slow down because I was in really bad pain and could not process what she was saying when she was speaking so very fast. She replied, “I didn’t know because you sound fine.”

Take, also, for example, my day today. Other than the occasional verbal cues such as “Ouch”… People couldn’t really tell that I am in pain despite the fact that the pain seemed to be flowing at their will—weak or strong, sharp or dull, in my neck, back or finger tip.

In addition, it also reminds me of the story Jan told me about this patient who was highly sensitive to pain. After she was administered global anesthesia and when the doctors were trying to apply local anesthesia on her eye lid, even when she was absolutely out of it… she actually still showed non-verbal painful expression. 8-O

Pinching and throbbing

Just thought I might mention this...

A different kind of pain I experienced today.... it felt as if there are needles pinching my fingers from inside out...

The pinching kind of sharp pain... kept on pinching for no good reason....

At the same time, also really annoying was them throbbing pain along my cervical area... throbbed... throbbed... throbbed... at its own leisure..

So I sat there trying to apply for jobs while it pinched... pinched... pinched... speaking of the pain takes its own life....

While I do my thing, it does its own thing.... 8-O

Something compelling

I was informed today that I need to provide a compelling reason for not having finished my studies....

Funny enough, last night, as I was lying in bed, praying to God that the neutral vision in head won't turn sour and the seeming pending anxiety attack kinda feeling won't turn into reality... in addition to them nerve pains springing up left and right totally without any sense of courtesy...

After an hour, when that attack seemed to be turning more and more real, I got up and took one of the clonazapam....

It was somewhere during the whole big nothingness did I have this thought...

Rereading the posting of the past, to be honest, in pain and in dasein for the symptoms of psychotic and neurotic, I thought to myself...

How did I get here...

The whole process of recovery, if not healing.... body and mind, intertwined...

Could such be something compelling?

Life as it is...

How could I ever claim it as anything compelling?

Like... ya, I was in and out of the psychiatric ward, got caught in Taiwan for the whole summer trying to get rid of the cane, and, spent the whole fall trying to stay at large while institutionalizable grade, my mental health condition.... 8-O lol

So shall I do not...

So I think.... 8-O lol sigh

Then I thought...

I had no problem using my pain and disability as the compelling reason...

What is wrong with the mental health condition?

At the same time.... what exactly does it mean... compelling?

Zu Hause sein: Being at home

I have been spending some time in this online social networking place and, today, I found this discussion forum titled "The Mental Ward"...

No offense to my normal people... However, as I was browsing through the postings... I had this strange feeling of... Zu Hause sein: Being at home...

It was then did I realise that... I have been Andrew in the movie Bicentennial man who spent all these years for the others like him and finally find them....

Following is what I posted in this forum:

Just want to say that this feels like heaven to find somewhere where people also have psychosis and/or neurosis as their profile....

Wonderful sense of belonging...

It is as if I have been Andrew in the movie Bicentennial man who spent all these years for the others like him and finally find them....

Following are my responses:

1) Where are you from? Originally from Taiwan, Now in NYC

2) What's your diagnosis? Through out the years, I have been given many different labels, ranging from depression, delusional disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, panic disorder... a neurologist I went to see for my back problem and inability to walk suspected that I might have conversion disorder, a type of psychosomatisation although I have never been officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist with this label

3) Are you on any meds? If so which ones? Through out the years, I have taken zoloft, wellbutrin, zyprexa, risperdal, dapakote, clonazapam and Seroquel. Currently, I am on 500 mg Seroquel daily and Clonazapam whenever I have something like a panic or anxiety attack.

4) Are you under psychiatric care? yes.

5) Do you seek counseling? I used to see a therapist. Nowaday, no because I don't have the money for it.

6) Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes. Three times.... three full-blown psychotic episodes.

7) What other methods do you actively employ for your recovery? Vitamins, walking and qi kinda exercise (the only exercise I could do due to my back condition)as well as a web of social support from family and friends

In addition, my psychosis is late onset... it was not until I was in my 30s when I first experienced psychotic symptoms. I went in and out of the psychiatric ward twice when I was working on my dissertation. Moreover, I was running the experiment for my dissertation all the way till I got locked up and went right back to run my experiments right after I was released... and, I eventually, living with symptoms that never cease, got my doctoral degree...

In other words, neurotic or psychotic, although we might need to take a detour at times, we can do it!!!

Risperdal in the news

Risperdal was the med I was prescribed when I went to the cuckoo cuckoo's nest lasts February (2008).

Although this med is newer than Seroquel (if I have recalled correctly), after consulting with my psychiatrist then, we decided to switch back to Seroquel because of the side effects I have to cope with... namely, drooling (regardless in public or in private), the shaking of my legs (which reminded me of what I grew up observing in my uncles who were diagnosed with early onset schizophrenia), sleep interruption (because it is less sedative than Seroquel) as well as bowl (and possibly gas) problems... in addition to the inability to use my head

In addition, apparently, I had some difficult time during the switching period due to the plausible Risperdal withdrawals... and some pretty bad withdrawals (click here for all Risperdal related posts)...

Then, I came across this piece of news and realised that... what I had was only some Micky mouse grade of inconveniences...


Watch CBS Videos Online

Pain

Recently, I have to go back visit the concept of pain....

As I woke up this morning, I felt this extremely bad pain on the right side...

Could have something to do with the change in the air pressure....

Might also have something to do with my slept wrong somehow the night before...

This bad pain is mostly on my right side that goes from the shoulder down.... and, eventually migrates through the lumbar area to my thigh and going down to my legs if not my feet... In addition, the pain also travel down to my arms and hands as well...

It is extremely sharp pain... nothing dull.. (and, so this is what they meant by sharp pain I guess although I am still not quite sure... 8-O lol 8-X)

The 7-8 on a scale of 10 kind of pain...

The lidoderm grade kind of pain because even naproxen doesn't even help too well..

The kind of pain that makes your muscles tense up all over till it further aggravates da painful sensation...

The kind of pain so bad that you could hardly reach, stretch and pick up or carry anything at all...

The pain that, at times, throb and throb... taking its own pace... at its own leisure... 8-O

The kind of pain that makes you think...

Pain, oh, Pain
Shall you take on your own life...
What don't you take yourself going somewhere else...
Go visit the zoo..
Take a walk by the park..
Or go down to the beach by the boardwalk...
As long as you leave me alone...
Pain, oh, pain...
The greatest pain in the neck down of all...
8-O lol

So I put some drops of peppermint oil in the water... and drank it down... hoping peppermint oil as a natural muscle relaxant could, somehow, help...

And, later, before another naproxen pill, gonna go emerge myself in a tube of Epsom salt as wel...
No wonder I try to shy away from the topic of pain...

Guess them strange body and mind of mine must feel that I have forgotten what bad pain is really like and decided to bring myself back to the phenomena of pain so as to remind me what pains really mean as I have to revisit them pain literature... 8-O lol sigh

Ironic

The longer I live... the more I find, appropriate, words to this song...

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out



An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic... don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic... don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

Husband

Someone told me something like the following today...

"Aren't you supposed to be out looking for a husband?"

Good point... except for, if I could have found a husband all the way till now so easily, I would have been married by now... 8-O lol

On a second thought, what is wrong with me that I just can't find no husband? 8-O lol oops..