Normies

Some days, I have no idea what is going on in the head of them normal people...


The normal people with a family, in good health and have money.... who seems to have it all....


So I got a phone call tonight.... after I finally dragged my own sorry ass back home from school... slow and stop... provided doing them strange way of walking that could give people a laugh...


Except for... that's ok... it would be nice if I can make everyone laugh and I will laugh along as well as long as my processing doesn't get too tied up by the attempt to move forward...


You see, one day this snail if not turtle will get well and would have live through the reversed engineering process of growing in and out of retirement.... I might not be able to run marathon but I will get back to walk my walk... and I would have learned what the process might entail by the time when I am really getting retired... (And, could there be people so very idiotic or stupid that they would be making fun of people with disabilities? God knows... just entertaining some of my self-referencing ideologies...) 8-O lol



In any case, today is the first day to go without a cane because the cane seems to be trigger my shoulder problems... and I have the feeling that the left shoulder is starting to break down...


Then, there were a few occurrences of self-referencing ideology as well as them dasein moments lurking around... I had this thought in my mind... wanting to be functional or wanting to stay in this state... thin ice... thin ice...


Let along the whole documentation things... man-made problems...


Then, I got the phone call....


Complaints, complaints and even more complaints...


Despite the fact that I said I was dead tired because I had a long day...


"Oh.. you are tired?"


Complaints... complaints and even more complaints.... god knows what the hell are you talking about kind of complaints...


Some part of me came up.... attempting to interrupt the venting spree.... in a state when it was as if I did not even exist when all that I felt was.... the speaker simply vent vent vent and dump dump dump.... regardless...


I finally said...


"Stop. Like I have already told you before. There are two options for the problem. Move or stay. Simple as that. Nothing more."


The speaker intended not and continued... without insurmountable amount of energy... while me over here all drained....


I had to tell her even more frankly again....


"Stop. I AM tired and I can not deal with it."


It ain't quite matter who said what when about whatever...


What I thought of after getting off from the phone was....


"OMG... Did I just cut her off like that? And... she's gotta be mad at me."


That's really awful and selfish... regardless how bitchy I might be... 8-O 8-X


Yet... something told me it was necessary because I need to retain my energy to survive my own life...


This reminds me of this Asian lady that I came across in the psychiatric ward last February and this very something she told me one day...


She was a technician in some bio- or neuro-science lab.... or something along that line...


So she said, "This hospitalization leads me to realize that I have to start taking care of myself. I have spent my entire life so far trying to take care of the others and forgot myself and this is the reason why I kept on coming back."


Then, this voice came up to me....


You have to change.


Do you want yourself telling another younger Asian girl 10-20 years from now in the Psychiatric Ward: "What I have learned so far... I have to start taking care of myself."


Yes... all signs points to the need for me to change... including the doctor who treated me back in Taiwan... including the medium in the temple....


Everyone is so damn sure that I need to change and how the speed of my recovery is dependent on my ability to change or break away from the whatever it is of my past...


However, no one could give me an answer what to change and how to facilitate da change...


One thing I do know is that... normies are sometimes difficult to understand...


It is like.... all else controlling for or partialling out... for God's sake... YOU HAVE HEALTH... while, for them, they couldn't understand what the hell I am talking about.... so what? Health? Just trying to imagine....


(And... damn... how I love late night hours when my head does work and how many times have I reiterated da observation of mine... pain and psychotic symptoms...)