First day 150 mg: Presence

After the phone called, it was as if the whole 9 yards simple fell off on me and I had to step out for a smoke especially when I forgot the patch at home...

Stepping outside of the building... I came to the realisation....

"Oh shit! I am reacting!"

First day the dosage down to 150 mg of Seroquel....

I could feel the presence of me... that me that could feel and could react to situations like a human being... rather than hiding behind rationalisations and terminally seeking to use understanding to avoid entertaining either accessing or the inability to access emotions (just don't ask me what exactly I am talking about...)

That me that has the capacity to blow things off while it is small... react and forget... rather than building things up and explode like a volcano...

Somehow I think it is healthier that way...

In other words, by using meds to drug me down so far... is it really all that healthy or not? The inability to feel and to react although, granted, meds are necessary to counteract the effects of the symptoms?

I, then, took a step back...

First day into another round of adjustment...

I can't let me driving myself up the wall...

Would the whole 9 yards be stressful to the others as well?

Perhaps and perhaps not... yet such is not the correct question....

The question, perhaps, should be... what can you get out of it other than testing your own stress management skills under the influence of medication?

I might love feeling my own presence... but... some part of it has to change... and I have to let go... except I have no idea what and how...