PTSD

Of course, just when I thought I might be able to finish collecting all documents by today and at least send them all out by tomorrow...

And... after waiting for phone calls...

I finally called again to check to see whether the document from one source is ready.... only to find out 15 minutes from closing time... I won't be able to get there to give this stupid initial...

Here comes the loop....

I got irritated...

"Why didn't they tell me I need the initial when I was there?"

"They didn't know until they reviewed it."

"Is there any other way where I can give my initial?" For God's sake, it's a patient requesting her own information! 8-O

"No... you have to wait till Monday."

"Would it be possible to get it by Monday since Tuesday is the optimal deadline?"

"There is no telling?"

"Shit!" So I heard myself over the phone... time to apologise....

So I said to the nice lady on the other end... "I am sorry... I am not saying shit to you... it is the situation..."

The matter of the fact is that....

It is a tiring and trying process... especially when what you are asked to go back and confront is a past you do not wish to look back.... Other than my not liking to talk on the phone....

This is more than somebody else's documentation you are gathering...

This is a whole mess filled with God knows why complications for an utterly simple being.

And... if you don't know... it is ok... because I did not realise it until seconds ago...

So, as I was all tired and trying to drag myself back home with all documents in the backpack, I felt the bag was heavy...

It surely is heavier than my ordinary load....

Yet, at the same time, let's put it... psychosomatisation... its weight on me seems to make it even more heavy....

Perhaps, what I was reacting to was the vast bureau of indecision.

The prolonged process of a strange pursuit.... with the ups and downs of meds adjustment as one major theme through all these years... what I happened to scan through when photocopying a copy of the documents for myself.... what I once noticed when scanning through all my blog postings so far...

The documents so very confidential that it would require an extra initial of mine to get released... apparently... even more sensitive than those for the others...

So I thought of the comment I made right after the phone call...

"If one diagnosis they have failed to assign so far... that would be PTSD..."

Except for... where does the stress originate from? Could it be that "me" unless it is too presumptuous to, again, be me-centric?

And.. unless it is not only "mes"... it's simply human?

Sort of like what junior said after seeing what all my trials and hearing my side of conversation..... "I would have blow off myself..."