sometimes I think... essentially is like... 閉關... really go along with da monk kinda theme... though still ain't quite right for me to be a nun... especially when I have been trying so hard to run away from da nun kinda thoughts.
Nothing wrong being a nun... just I ain't no nun kinda material... and somehow I have this feeling that... no god of any religion want me to be their nun... 8-O lol
On my bus trip to visit my sister, as I was coping with the discomfort all over my body on the bumpy trip, this thought occurred to me...
Why do I try so hard to learn to put everything down as an attempt to recover my body and mind?
One alternative reason...
Burden....
My existence might have needed quite a bit of accommodations and help from people surrounding me up to this point...
Hopefully, I am not yet nobody's burden...
To fix myself well or as well as I could...
I am immunizing myself from becoming a huge flop of burden on the others...
My family..
My friends...
The society as well...
And, leave the precious resources to people who really need it.
Like everyone else, I would still gratefully accept people's support and help... but... I ain't gonna be nobody's burden if I can...
Vanity or not...
This is why I am trying my best to put everything down in pursuit of my holly grail.... health.
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