Sunday, October 31, 2010

Niceness disease: Regarding others

As, somehow, I am coming out from the Niceness disease, these past year or two, I observed an increasing propensity for me to "involuntarily" speak out directly what I see, what I think and my ensuing reaction as the truth.

It also feels as if I have gotten into far more conflicts with people than I have in my entire life within such a short time frame.

This is why, at times, I thought to myself... maybe I should lock myself up till the phase past otherwise I would have had no friends left at the end... (speaking of voluntary institutionalization... 8-O lol ouch)

Amazingly, I found that a lot of people love me as I am and accept me as I am... whoever I am.

Back to da auditory form of verbal diarrhea, once I let it out to someone, it feels as if the pressure is released... leaving me only having to deal with the internal consequences.

There were times when I tried to keep it in... These were times when the upset would circle around in my mind... simply wouldn't and couldn't stop... even after a substantiative amount of time-out... It takes the verbal telling to let it go.

Such 口無遮攔 behavior at the extreme form... is more than having a big bad mouth.  So I have pondered... somewhat compulsive grade...

Of course, such might be the doing of dosage adjustment... a seemingly eternal process of upping and downing....

Such might be the doing of the psychotic symptoms whichever symptom it might be...

Such could also have to do with the sense of bodily discomfort... physical aches and pains as well as what I perceive as the flowing of qi...

At points I do wonder... perhaps, one of the reason why I could excape my psychosis not might have to do with the MO that I did not want to speak the bloody truths and I tried to pretend that I could simply let things go.

Well, in a perfect scenario, we all could simply take things in and let it out... like some people's superb digestive system I so very envy... they eat and they go to the toilette... wow... how nice... 8-O lol

People like me, unfortunately, might not have that gift and might, on the other hand, be prone to constipations.  Conventional sense of constipation, cognitive constipation... in this context... the take-shit shit can't get out kind of constipation until it PHD- pile high and deep... fomentation and fomentation... to the point of explosion... (oops... a bit gross here... 8-O lol)

Speaking of 沼氣不發無奈何.... (oops... too traumatic a scene)

I am not gonna BS you into believe that I have the best personality on earth... Duh... Who am I lying to...

Neither do I have the best temper.

However, as I have mentioned in the previous posting, I gradually came to believe that, though not all, but, a large part of my being nice could have been propelled by my psychotic symptoms... however bad it might sound and it might portrait me as a bad person.

Yet, I simply have to be honest to myself.

I want to be nice to people because I want to be nice and I believe I was born nice. (How come 曾子's 人性本善 sounds so strange in my words... 8-O lol)

I don't want to be nice because it was the doing of my psychosis.

Not because I am afraid how the entire world might condemn or praise me for what I have said or done (or not).

Not because I am afraid of how the entire world might be made known the unspoken thoughts formed or in formation in my head.

Being nice simply for a selfish reason.. being nice to the others makes you feel nice, too.

Now I learn or I am continuing to learn my lessons... the truth have to be spoken as the reality has to be faced with 100% authenticity and not be cumulated inside... and so on... provided.. to err is human.... though I shall refrain from erring (8-O is it even a word? 8-O lol)

However, please let me be nice because I want to be nice and please the phase eventually fade like all other phases I have lived through... beginning with minimizing the affected area.... while I go on conquer da can't-mind-my-own-business disorder as a broken back mountain. 8-O lol

(Some thoughts drafted in association with others.)

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