Sunday, August 3, 2008

From 英英美代子 to Duck

Psychologists once said that people with stronger sense of internal locus of control seem to fare better in not so good conditions.

The textbook version of internal locus of control, in my interpretation, means one can decide the kind of attitude towards circumstances (ya, it doesn’t mean you can control everything in all circumstances).

So I tried for so long a time to beat God’s will with my sense of aka “internal locus of control.”

One thing I know for sure now is that… my internal locus of control has nothing to do with getting a visa to go back to the US—at least to get my stuffs out of my apartment so that I can stop paying rent for the purpose of raising mosquitoes in my room.

You see… when I went for the Visa interview in June, I got all documents required plus more ready with me and the application got denied….

In other words, I was well prepared for all different weather... except for the outcome was the denial of visa.

So, people told me to get a letter from the school…. Although getting that letter might or might not have any impact on the outcome.

During my era of英英美代子, I actually have been trying and trying for weeks to get the letter except for, somehow, the letter seems to be going through a difficult birth--- sort of having troubles tracking down my prof over there… oops…

With that internal locus of control thing… haven’t I BS enough about the learning, the acceptance, and all things otherwise not classified? lol

Then, there came today, again, my mom sat down next to me.

She saw me processing two of the clips I was about to upload to youtube and said something like… “You are doing it….”--- insinuating I should be doing something more…

She then continued to tell me that I have to “work harder on the Visa thing” because I have to get back to the US…..

(Apparently, she is now done with my 英英美代子 era except that she did not know that I was long done with it although I am still trying to get it over with…. Oops…)

I looked at her…. and blew her off with something like the following….

“It was the suggestion of you and your friends that I should get a letter from the school. I emailed, I called, and I even have people onsite in New York trying to get the letter for me. All is out of my hand while I have tried my best. What else do you want me to do and what are you pushing me for?”

I am the person paying my rent in New York…. Do you think I really want to be 英英美代子 here processing videos any longer?

Do you really think that I prefer to be running on the balcony than sprinting in the field? (by the way, something new today in the clip… now I can run… 8-O lol)

Apparently, at that point 空中有氣, piety out of the window and acceptance etc flew right over the roof top… lol 8-O

I, then, came to the realization that…

The segments of thoughts I have been sharing have originated from the trances of the past.

My accounts of in 英英美代子 might have been true…

It is time to let me get out and get on… honest to God….

No longer could I speak of 英英美代子 anymore because now I am easing in to the state of 鴨子划水- a duck swimming in water…. just you don’t see how hard, underneath, I am trying to paddle….

And... only if I could be like my mom... believing I have the control--- while it is back to the time for me to figure out which loci to focus on....

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