Letting go

If there is every any lesson I have been learning through out all these times... and still learning. I am not sure when the time would be for the lesson to be finally learned; yet, since the psychic told me I have a long life to live, I guess I am in no rush of graduating from this lesson, for, otherwise, what else is ever so important to be learned?

At this point, one theme I could identify is the idea of letting go, or, more specifically, letting go of my control.

I thought that I have been my own guinea pig on the wheel for all these years.... on never ending-- the testing of my own limits and my control over some life's minor inconveniences. Only to realize that--- idiot, it's the limits that have been testing me, rather.

In fond memory, I could recall all the meaningless hard work I put into testing my own limits and the pushing of the envelopes...

The passionate belief that, with one's own will and hard work, all obstacles could be conquered, all goals could be accomplished and all uncontrollable could be controlled for.

Such hopelessly romantic notion of my dumb dumb youth...

Some examples...

The fight against depression...

The fight against my delusions and hallucinations...

The fight against the relapse of all conditions...

The fight against the side effect of the medications...

All the way into the fight against pain, disability, psychosomatization and all else otherwise not classified ending with a -tion.

So I started from testing my limits till, when the table turned around, finding it is actually the limits that are bigger than me. 8-O lol

Than, the following insight magically occurred to even a stubborn dumb ass like me...

I could fight with all my might against whatever I want to fight and make believe that I eventually would have the control over them all.... one day...

Yet, at this point, what I have seen so far... have I any control and does the sense of control exist only in my imaginary world? 8-O lol

On the other hand.... can't quite remember and understand now why, in the first place, I wanted myself to take up the responsibility of proving that God-knows-what thing called "control".... like these are things so very important though they don't seem so important now... or like I got nothing better to do or maybe I really have and had nothing better to do... 8-O lol

Guess this could be accounted as some reflections I have about the late Ratology: Down with Meds... (amen...) and, I guess, and indication of the educational implications of an eportfolio about ratprincess at fight, if not at war.... 8-O lol