Detach mode

What a beautiful day outside!

Earlier on, I went out for a walk with my mama to do my daily exercise-- walking and climbing up and down the hills.

Then, I told my mama... "let's sit under the sun to get some sun tanning."

So I sat there and hang...

I came home after grocery shopping with mama.

We had lunch and, after lunch, I explained to her why I go sit under the sun.

I told her I am now reducing the dosage of Depako, which is causing my head to be sort of not quite know the condition. 8-O

I told her the drug is making me feel really hungry all the times. Based on my naive theory, I think the increased appetite is related to the lowered metabolism rate. Maybe food is being metabolise so slowly that the brain is getting the message that I am not eating enough and send to me the message that I am really hungry by mistake (regardless whether it is right or wrong since I don't really care).

The battle zone in my head, also makes it more difficult for me to handle stress since stressful is the adjective for the default mode inside of my head now.

After lunch she wanted to take a nap, I told her I wanted to go under the sun again and I went-- to let sunshine help my bones grow, my aches and pains fade, and, the poor neurochemicals to find a equilibrium state.

At some points, I opened my eyes and looked all around....

I felt well rested from resting under the sun.

I also felt detached from the world around, which, despite of the occasionally positive symptoms, shows me I am still too drugged out-- which means-- the dosage could still go down more to cut down the side effects even more without imposing too much more of delusions and hallucinations.

If the light (sunlight) therapy these two days works, maybe I could decrease another 250 mg of Depako a day earlier (tonight) instead of tomorrow night? (just don't tell my shrink until I tell him... lol)

So that.. sooner, I will be able to feel the alive-ness experienced by people.

I want to live-- yet, such is not what I mean by living--- in detach mode.