moments

Today marks the second day when I take 200 mg of Seroquel and 1250 mg of Depako.

With Depako going down, I could sense the increase level of anxiety and its earlier arrival in the day. At the same time, I am still coping with that craving for food although meat product or not is no longer essential. The body is still shaking and sometimes it shakes worse than other times. In addition, hallucinations seem to occur more frequent yet only sort of annoying later in the day...

Today, for instance, the anxiety level reach its higher point at around 5-8...

Used to be, I could use exercise to compensate it, except for now, the speed at which I pace does not really allow "exercising" to take as much edge as I would like it to.

Mama doesn't like me to eat too much cuz she thinks I am gaining too much weight... oops...

Neither does she want me to smoke too much and so I agree.. except for it does calm me down.

So I thought of meditation---

Psychotic as I am, I actually would absolutely refrain myself from doing the meditation thing nowadays for fear that my head gonna be flying to another planet. lol 8-X

The closest alternative I found was to post some more stamps for sale for my ebay store.

Although, at the beginning of the time, I started my ebay experiences from digging a hole, later on, as time progress, under unemployment, putting things on ebay for sale was one thing I could cling on to feel a sense of "getting something done out of nothing."

So, tonight, like many other days and nights, when I try to limit the amount of cognitive processing in my head, I turn to making listings for my ebay store.

The process is simple and allows me to force myself concentrate on the simple tasks.

1. Take digital pictures
2. Download pictures
3. Upload pictures
4. Using a third party company called auctiva to create my listing
5. Schedule the listing for the future

In between, I moved around my room looking for other stuffs and going back to perform the same iteration of the menial process.

Then, two hours later, I really had to get up to see what I could do with the craving...

I smoked another cigarette and thought to myself...

When will the time come when I could finally take my drug?

When will the time arrive when I could, like before, use my brain, live with the symptoms, and, stop coping with the minor inconveniences related to the change of the drug?

Before those days come, I might just have to sell more things at a loss to gain my moments of concentration and "global trading" experiences through my ratology ebay store (shall I have amounted to nothing the last 10 months, at least I opened a store I guess...)... lol sigh