Gifted

I have a gift... the gift to not able to understand what to do with a lot of things I have and I learn until I finally know what to do with them.

In my much younger days, I tried really hard to understand physics, organic chemistry, biology, math, statistics, or even cognitive, abnormal and biopsychology.

However, regardless how hard I try, I still fail to learn them well as reflected in my grades... lol

The counseling psychology department at UBC, if I could recall more correctly, is more align with the attachment line of theory.

Young like me, over 1 decade ago, I thought I knew many things under the sun based on the assigned readings and lectures.

Then, one day, I attended a conference held for parents or caregivers of autistic children.

The woman hosting the conferences was one speaking of the implications of holding time--- call it the implication of the attachment doctrine.

I recall that the room was full or filled with caregivers and their children.

I was an young gun and I also raised my hand and made my comments--- academically sound to me.

Later in the session, someone raised his or her voice with comments like, "This is our real concern because we have to care for our autistic children." Ending with some statement like the rest including the intellectual ones please keep quite (that was my pre-psychotic era).

I came out up set, mad, and maybe embarrassed.

I have learned my lessons and did my homework.

What they talked about would not have been the first thing listed under any of the textbooks I have read.

I just want to help because this is what they need to know.

How did I so very obnoxiously assumed that they had such known not?

What youthful and useless ignorance?!

So, after I come back out from the hospital, I started walking up and down the streets of Manhattan with webs of delusions and hallucinations coming from all directions.

"Thought stopping."

I said to myself.

The textbooks have restated it again and again and how could I such yet master not?

Three years ago, I started my ratology blog with down with meds-- only to find out today that-- perhaps, I actually am not as down with meds as I thought I was. Otherwise, I would have been popping even more of all those pain killers, antipsychotic drugs, and antidepressants, which all work on pain and such might have spared me fewer months on trying to cope without taking too much more meds.

Except for, months later, today, I am on record high dosage on them all... forget about lungs... think about liver... 8-x

How could I have thought myself to have learned the lesson and fail it again and again unwittingly?

In my imaginary world, some people are still stuck with the concept of psychosomatic, somapsychotic (Ratology, 2008 lol), neurotransmitters and all those esoteric themes related to pain perception and spasm.

It still concerns me why after all the trials, people could not understand, despite all these are but or could be but my delusions.

Then, it occurs to me... useful lessons will be learned and useless lessons are needless for people to learn... analogous to synaptic pruning... regardless whether it is imaginary or not.

Why would people without the concern about herniated discs need to know about what it takes to live with 6 herniated locations, 3 stenosis and 4 locations of impingement?

Why would normal people need to know about what it means to be the garbage bin diagnosis case in DSM?

Just like, I did not quite understand the concept of row-conditioning in MDS until two years later, resitting in the class---

I thought of how they always asked me to measure pain from a scale of 1 to 10 while you know what it means to feel 100 or 1000. I thought of how strange it felt like to be just giving out a number without a pain-a-meter to measure things objectively. I thought of how we are to compare one person's perception of pains from those of the others.

Then, I now know what it means "row-conditioning" because it now means something to me.

If I have a gift, perhaps, such is my gift... 8-O lol


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