Gone crazy and love

I finally got the insight why, in the college, I went along with many of my friends to audit the class in 詮譯學 or Hermeneutics-- and the reading of Marcel Proust, the unter weg zur sprache by Heidegger, and, a lover's discourse by Roland Barthes.

I guess it might have something to do with my attempt to convey to you the process of "going crazy" through the means of narratology all these years.

Regardless how I little I have accomplished, what I am trying to do is to use text and multimedia to present to you some phenomena otherwise unexplainable.

Then, I thought of a lover's discourse by Roland Barthes and the similarity of the process of falling in love and building up a delusional system in one's imaginary world.

We all have these experiences...

Why doesn't he call and why didn't he respond to the call?
Why doesn't he email me and why didn't he respond to the email?
Am I interpreting what he said right?
Is he just playing with me or does he genuinely care?
What and why does he care?

These are all questions in our head and it is through these questions do we start creating scenarios to torture ourselves and build up our obsessive compulsive thinking about the one we think we love.

After all the scenarios built up, possibly, like one of the stories in the invisible city, nothing has happened, except for, we have virtually lived through the remaining of our life span with that person--- dated, kissed, had sex, broken up, or, married, possibly had children, divorced, or, kept each other company till either one died and the survivor lived through live without the other one again.



All is done while nothing ever happened because all are but the scenarios tested in the imaginary world.

At some point, even if there is really a man you invest your attention on, with the scenarios in your head, what you have done is but kept on building an image of a person you thought the other person should be like in your own mind. The one you are in love with or you love might no longer be that person.

Similar is the development of a delusional system.

You hear auditory hallucinations or you are exposed to actual stimuli. What could you do to explain these things...

So, you select a scenario in your head to explain what you have heard.

You hear the siren from the street down below. The loved one is injured or dead because the computer exploded 8-O or because he was hit by an accident.

"The suicidal." and "Fire." You heard.

The man you though you love is suicidal and died because his house somehow got caught on fire.

On the street, you hear people talking about "Saturday."

You interpret it as the man you thought you care for is to do something for you on Saturday because the laws and regulations will be lifted.

To break down the process and visually represent how delusions are form... think of the building of a powerpoint slide show... you have text written down-- you looked into a bank of images and videos to help you interpret the preexisting text.

Nothing ever happens but everything happens constantly in your own mind.

And, at some point, you start wondering, am I myself the suicidal in my own imaginary world and are those the fear I have for myself... following the psychoanalytical doctrine.

While at the same time, all the thoughts surrounding that person you care for lead the falling in love part of you kept on falling in love. lol

One day I might further edit this posting...

Today, just the sharing of the unfolding of delusional thinking or going crazy through the lens of love. lol