To love and to be loved

Complaining about my mom makes me feel like a no good daughter and such a self-perception doesn't quite go along with my cultural value... as a result, adds more stress to myself... which is no good for both my mental and physical health.

After my visit to my psychiatrist today, as I was strolling down the road doing some of my walking exercises, I looked at the heavy clouds in the sky... which might have contributed to my feeling of depressed... and that depressed kinda felling makes me feel even more guilty about being a daughter at my current state.... and blah blah blah...

I caught myself as this starts to become some run on kind of pattern and I thought, "I have to break this feedback loop of our worries about each other causing even more worries to each other."

My conservative description about my mobility issues must have led my mother to imagine my condition is much better than what she is seeing now which might have caused in her adjustment problem equivalent to cultural shock, and, much pain as a result of her unconditional love for her daughter.

Everyday, mama tries to cook all different kinds of Chinese herbal kinda thing to help me recover and everyday she says to me, "After that herbal thing, you are walking much better I think."

Every time I hear it, despite the fact that I know she meant well and she wants to encourage me, I could not but feel such cut like a knife inside because I have been waiting for miracle to happen for all these times, too. It would be nice for her comment to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.... if possible...

Yet, I try my best everyday for the past 10 months and many days... Yet, the progress of my rehabilitation hasn't been as smooth as I could like it to be.

In addition, since my mobility seems to be something more visible and I walk around like any other non-mentals, I suspect my mama might have forgotten the reason why she came into town 1 month earlier was because she wanted to take care of me after my hospitalization in the coo coo's nest.

Then, I thought to myself...

I could try to pretend I am taking it all fine and there is nothing not so constructive... but, it will not help...

So, I decided to say something about it... to my mama...

I know it will make her feel hurt and it will hurt me, too.

However, I guess, sometimes, we need to be given feedback on whether we are doing it right to love someone, at least this is how it works for ratprincess. lol

So, I got home and I told my mama, "I need to tell you something."

I told her that her worries about me turns into my worries about her and stress me out, which might further the amount of things she has to worry about. 8-O So, please learn to not worry so much.

Believe me... the above paragraph is short but it took a lot of courage for me to speak out my mind.

Mama didn't say a thing and she decided to go out to buy some tomatos on her own.

I let her go on her own as per her request because even my mama sometimes need times for herself.

I thought to myself... now she possibly feels both worried and hurt... so what shall I do?

Since she didn't want to go out for dinner, I took her to do grocery shopping and, later, cooked a huge pot of Taiwanese veggie dish...

She was so proud of the fact that I could cook that dish that she made the comment, "Now you could make shake n' bake and this veggie dish. You could go be a house wife!" 8-O lol

I knew, then, the hurt etc has now mostly gone out of the window and sooner or later would be over the rooftop.... what I am waiting for is a sign of confirmation that, too much, mama stress me out not--- through the worries originated from her maternal instinct.

In reflection, I think it is a lot of work to love and to be loved. It also takes a lot of courage etc. (like it is no common sense...) lol

(And, by the way, God knows whether I am loving her the right way.... 8-O)