At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we observe whether psychotic and neurotic people could amount to something. Then came the spinal disc herniation and impingement, bringing forth the stage of physical disability. Could someone like me go anywhere or amount to anything is the question. After the official ending of the second psychotic episode lasted for five years, I am ready to move on to the next phase of Ratology- as the solutions unfold.
Some information I found on wikipedia about exercises like what I do everyday...
Not quite sure whether this is really what I do though since the only thing I know about what I do is just do it and, in terms of stopping.... I stop when I feel it is time to stop.... 8-O lol
Doesn't quite matter as long as I feel the body is getting better...
I have started a new blog, Ratology at Heal, that is private to the invitees only. This blog will contain contents for my personal growth only in my chaotic state of being that still requires more time to reveal more of its unfolding....
This blog is nothing more than the journal of my random thoughts etc.... The contents are not all that different from what I have written in both Ratology Reloaded and Down with Meds... as a result, I don't really think there is any need for people to read more of the same mumble jumble about them sort of redundant Dasein moments of hallucinations and delusions... Nothing special...
If anyone is interested in viewing the blog.... all you have to do is to contact me and ask for access to it.....
I have not forgotten about my own words concerning keeping this blog up... and will continue to update this blog with things I learn when appropriate....
Went to see my psychiatrist today.... told him that I have already upped my dosage of Seroquel for a few days....
Well.... gotta admit to myself that... during the time when I went back to Taiwan and came back to the States... I got myself off Zoloft and Depakote.... first time though being bad with my drugs.... 8-O lol
Blame it on... oops... bad girl bad girl.... shouldn't play with fire... I know... and no wonder everyone kept on telling me to be good... 8-X lol 8-X
Yet, didn't really make any difference anyways earlier on since there doesn't seem to be anything in the head most of the times.... 8-O lol
Well... I guess, the point I am trying to make is that.... in theory, once the disorder is formed... conventional treatment is still needed in addition to the exercises... so the experts say...
I have always loved the writing of Italo Calvino.... especially the story about Zobeide, a City of Desire, in the book "Invisible Cities"....
To cut the story short.... following is the retell of the story based on what I remembered...
A bunch of men dreamt of a woman running naked through a town. All of them started a journey looking for that city to no avail...
Some of them met with each other and decided to build the city up themselves based on what they remember.... and also included mechanisms to trap that naked woman....
Other men with the same pursuit came and recognizes how some part of the city resembles what they saw in the dream... So.... they stayed and joined in to build and modified the city of dream...
So the city underwent a constant (re)building process based on the piece meals of recalls--- without a blueprint...
At some point, some people with no idea about that naked woman wondered in to the city.... and they went....
"Jesus Christ.... what a ugly city...." 8-O lol
Then I thought.... the building of Zobeide, a City of Desire... the building of delusions....
Before I went to see the rehab doctor, my dad took me to see an energy healer...
So it was on a, I think, Sunday afternoon, when she told us to meditate even though I am still not quite sure what meditation means...
Anyway, before we all start, she reminded us something like the following.... "sometimes you hear voices and see visions.... just leave it along because they are but illusions or hallucinations."
Thereafter, I started to see my rehab doctor, I started doing the exercises, I also started hearing all kinds of things as well while I was doing my exercises... as you could see in postings from the past few months....
Then, one day, as I was reading about 氣.... I also came across this term "氣功 psychosis"..... which apparently was an official term in DSM....
Then, I thought... this might have something to do with them voices that came up while I was doing them exercises....
As I was coming back home from the park this afternoon..... I thought to myself....
"How lucky I am to be, of no doubt, a psychotic!"
If the theory holds true and if both my body and mind could undergo the process of reparation..... and... if I could come out of it in one piece....
I might have to owe it to the fact that I am 100% convinced of.... I am psychotic.... Thank God! 8-O lol
I am not trying to make it sound like 氣功 kind of practice is bad for you. On the other hand, I have been recommending people to find good teachers for themselves and start doing the 氣功 practice.
However, the moral of the lesson... this is why one needs to have a good master on one to mentor... for instance, for students like me...
I know I am getting better.... just need more work....
And, concerning my mentor.... I have had or have a good one...
I went back to the 200 mg Seroquel last night.... having the feeling that I should have a good night sleep...
I was right.... I must have slept for a good 11 hours or so.... 8-O lol
The symptoms were at a fairly low level even though I could still observe them self-referencing kind of ideologies.... yet... to hell... here come... there goes...
Of course, symptom level went higher when I went to church.... hearing these words over and over again.... see no nothing hear no nothing.... blah blah blah....
That voice that went like broken record when I was exercising? Forgot....
This has been happening today... as I was exercising in the park... at some point, I would find my feet, hands, and the torso started shaking and shaking involuntarily.....
If you see it in person, you might even think that I am possessed or being attacked by God knows what.... like what I used to think...
When it was happening today.... what came up in my head was.... the body is trying to let go of the chi that is blocked at around my chest area... this might have to do with all them chi that have been migrating down from my head recently....
Then, I thought.... this is the vertical version of what happened the other night when them body, arms, limbs etc just won't stop jerking around... ..... 8-O sigh
Sort of like the movements you see in this previous clip...
Imagine yourself lying in bed while your body does the above movements for the entire night without the mental model about what the hell was going on..... Don't know about you.... No wonder I went into the cuckoo cuckoo's nest thereafter.... 8-O 8-X
Last night I went to bed at around 11:00... getting ready to wake up early to go to work....
Yet.... I laid there... couldn't get to sleep.... for might be 3-4 hours....
The occasional occurences of visions, voices, delusions and the noise from them people screaming up a storm--- one after another--- on the street....
They didn't quite help...
Worse of all.... there was nothing in my head for, I guess, the majority of time just--- damn.... I have to wake up early but why can't I get my sleep?
So... I woke up to take an extra 100 mg of Seroquel... to see whether it is going to help me sleep...
Tossing and turning around..... man... it didn't help....
Then.... I get up to take a prescription grade kinda sleeping pill.....
Somewhere in time... sleep finally sinked in... since I knew I did wake up this morning.... 8-O lol
So I think.... God... please give me a good and long sleep today..... for beauty sleep I like and need.... 8-o lol
Just came back from hanging out with some friends... with this topic of honesty brought up by me....
When speaking of honesty last night, it was more than about being honest to the others.... most important of all, it is about our ability to be honest to ourselves because that self of ours could not be fooled...
That's why, perhaps, it is all about me... or you.... the extreme of narcissism... as you might say...
Honesty and not be greedy might be the answer to end it all 顛倒妄想-- delusions... illusions... etc while remaining to be who I am.... (of course, plus the meds 8-O lol)
I have wanted to be extraordinary or special up to this point.... yet... such will I learn not wanting to be....
Something I finally learned after all these months if not the whole life....
All that I could say today what I have to continue learning about while I am still sticking to my 99.999....% policy....
I gotta say that I had some pretty tough kinda God knows what to call it last night after I went to bed....
I laid down trying to go to sleep.... then I knew the past is coming back...
There were not too much of "perceivable" visions, hallucinations and even delusions... other than these four words kept on going on in my head the whole time like broken record... "無量壽佛"...... Just don't ask me why....
Essentially, what I went through was what I had experienced the night before my second hospitalization....
I was laying in bed.... receiving attacks from the darkest of the demonic forces for the whole night...
Other than all of the things that went on in my head, there were all those real bodily movements... involuntary...
So for over an hour, off and on, that part of the past came back to me....
It was as if my body went into seizure.... the whole body just kept on jerking around in all different ways... so violent that the whole body actually would jump away from the bed...
So, I just laid there the whole time.... letting the body jump up and fell back down.... again, again and some more times...
At points, I could still feel in my heart the deepest sorrow and wept...
The whole time, I begged to God... "Don't let anyone be exposed to what exactly is going on..."
Yet, most of the times, there is nothing cognitively going on other than the sound of "無量壽佛" in all different ground... It was as if the chanting of "無量壽佛" is to provide me with a safe haven to go back to the past I would never want to revisit again.... It was if it is the prayer for God's mercy to spare me from trials unnecessary....
At times, I could vaguely have the vision and remembrance of the past... then, there would come this whispering.... "Let go of your cognition...."
The Dasein itself.
Other times, as I inevitably wondered whether there is a shortcut to end all these... so I heard... "There is no shortcut."
The Dasen remained real... despite of the lack of deligent cognitive processing weaving up them webs of delusions that feed on each other...
At some point, I had to make this request....
"Do me a favor... remember that I still have to wake up early to go to work...." 8-O lol
Eventually I fell asleep and slept right through the night...
Waking up in the morning, I pondered to myself.... how much more insane am I going to be... indicators being them voices and delusions?
Then I walked out of my room... into the world.... only to find...
Man... where are they--- the excessive amount of psychotic symptoms? 8-O lol
Then, I started working on them software programs the whole day.... till towards the end of the day.... observing that slow yet symptom-minus head of mine...
I couldn't help but say....
"What an insane life...."
The insane sanity of life... I guess...
After work, on my way home and later towards the park, the self-referencing kind of propensity got stronger and, at some point, this voices said, "Time to be psychotic...."
Having spotted the hawk flying past, the might have made me feel a bit more settled....
So they say... hawks watch over the small ones and I am a spring chicken (although sort of old)... so I thought... 8-O lol
So I was prepared.... come what may... let it run...
Yet, nothing unusual....
The body moved and moved slowly till there came the time when I went into this dancing kind of mode...
So I thought... "Dance to my psychosis...."
Then, I danced on and danced on... and... happier and happier with my psychosis we danced....
I was happy... Absolutely happy...
It felt calming... really calm....
And, there was nothing but joy... to feel... I guess... in sync... somehow...
Then this old poem came to my mind and in my heart I recited...
I woke up in the morning with this thought in my mind....
I am going to work on the software.... putting them in better order and getting the records straight....
So I did some recall for them babes who are out, getting the records double checked and got the bad records out, putting them in the places they belong and made many beautiful labels for those missing them....
It made me feel so very happy that they are getting the order they deserve... 8-O lol
Then, I realize...
Such must be the externalization of the universe within me.... lol
Now that... as I guess... the processing is in place to fix my head.... resetting my head to nature's order and get the records straight.... as much as possible.... 8-O lol
Then, I recalled this voice that kept on going on and on while I was doing them exercises the other day....
"無極生太極，太極生兩儀，兩儀生四象，四像生八卦，八卦生六十四卦"....
Then, at some point, it went...
"混沌初開"....
No better way to describe how I am feeling nowadays....
Absolutely clueless about no nothing except for in a state of 混沌.... lol
Yet, one question I have is.... when is the state of 混沌 going to be open up and show me them order in life? 8-O
Arriving at work in the morning, I tried to get a software program installed...
Yet, I was having problem getting the password right for the second time that is needed for the installation.... 8-O lol
Then I thought... Thursday should be changed to be the Password Day because this is the second Thursday in a roll when I am running around looking for the password.
Having learned my lesson from last week's pursuit...
After the software failed to install, I checked with the boss of mine who was working on the paperwork for the software...
I, then, asked my big boss for a digital version of the password...
Thinking... now I have consulted with both sources and both types of info needed seemed to be fairly complete... I shouldn't have any problem gotten the software installed on them computers...
But, it still didn't work...
I, then, asked my coworker to try to figure it out... sorry that I also got him busy running around in circle while I, honest to God, did not know that I have shifted my running around in circle thing to him...
Finally, I mentioned to him... "I think we might not have the password yet. "
I suspected that the password might still be at the source... the company itself...
So... we all stop running around in circle looking for the password...
And, I waited patiently like a good girl for the time to come when my boss finally get the password from the Source.
Then, as I started typing this post, I thought of the message I saw this round.....
The message shown on the screen after I entered that password was something like...
"This appear to be the password for the previous version...." 8-O lol
God knows... just a word coming out of my mouth....
If I am to guess... I guess it might have something to do with the healing cycle.... while the end of the cycle means nothing more the beginning of recovery.... and there will never be an absolute cure...
All that I have done in my life up to these few months, I guess, is, possibly, a constant process of preparation.... partially, aiming to prepare me to complete the cycle.... at least for this round...
This is why... all them triggering events are but triggering events.... except for, although I love the department I work for to death.... I still got a "HUGE" beef with the institution that threw me out of the window after I got disabled.... oops... zen moment... zen moment... lol
As I was finishing up my posting about them Circle last night... I paused a bit as I was typing out the sentence....
"what else in my head could be taken away other than air?"
There is apparently an essential component that is missing in all these internal dialogue...
After all them spinning around surrounding them abstract and obscure concepts, it is time to be grounded... in carne and in ozzo... facing the material world within which we reside.... such as revisiting the Dasein associated with the jobs I have never landed on in potentials and in imaginations...
So I was in some strange situation within which dialogues were "codified"... sort of like the the externalization of mine delusions in real world... 8-O lol
This is, yet, the perfect situation shall it be the missing link leading towards the completion of the cycle.... and it is the perfect test for all that I have been blah blah blah about all these times...
It is about a job while I am at work... 8-O lol
Taking all things into consideration, if what I think is true, it would be the perfect solution for the scenario.
(Now I guess you understand what I mean by codified... 8-O lol)
Then, there came this sense of great relief and happiness.... for something tells me that it is all about myself... (although I can't quite tell you what it means yet... 空: 反觀諸己)
On my way out for a smoke, I heard this voice... "Time to complete the cycle."
On my way home, I started to feel the coldness coming down through my palms...
And, later on, as I was getting down to the park, the voice officially announced, "Time for a full blown psychotic episode and the remaining is simply recovery."
and...
是福不是禍, 是禍避不過.
So I started to let the body move....
Feeling the coldness coming down throughout... while living myself in the Dasein moments of blood, death, pain, voices, delusions... etc.... and, thank God, now I sort of acquired a mental model about how them Desein moments work... 8-O lol
On my way home was the time when I was told... give it some time to let it run through before upping them dosage...
So I thought later... perhaps and hopefully, this is what they called 瞑眩反應 ..... while the coldness is still coming out...
And, this is why I thought... think I am crazy? You got me wrong.... for what an Understatement with a capital U... 8-O lol
Went to see my shrink today... talked about the majority of thing that have come out of my typing before plus maybe a bit more details and needed to supplement them with a bit more analysis...
So the topic about upping the dosage of my Seroquel if I continue to get into them Dasein moments through the flashback kind of feelings....
I asked to wait one more week... something tells me to do so....
At the same time, the matter of the fact is...
It doesn't really matter all that much to me these days... not like I am running at 200% processing power 8-O lol....
To be more accurate.... it is starting to feel like it is my body and "mind" that grant me the minimum amount of functionality I have--- to perform whatever tasks at stake... including holding my job (ya.... or who is gonna make them money to pay rent for the room that host "us all"... they ain't so stupid either I guess... oops... 8-O lol) and typing them words out in this blog....
Therefore... drug me on and drug me on.... especially when I am in an absolute state of cluelessness about what the hell is going on--- other than, Thank God, I know I am psychotic (what a relief).... 8-O lol
At the same time, believe it or not, as per suggestion de my voices.... it is necessary for me to get back to the state of full blown psychosis... in order for me to heal, to complete the full cycle and to move on.... Yet... if the lingering effects get too annoying... I should simply take more of them drugs since it doesn't make sense of me to experience too many of them voices and hallucinations anyway... and especially when I have been hearing this faint voice "narcotics" fairly frequently recently on and off... 8-O lol
So I thought.... you think I am crazy?
Man... you got me totally wrong... that is a such an understatement... 8-O lol
As for them dosages? Give it another 2-3 days... perhaps.... sort of like... why don't you take pain killers when the nerve pains are really bad? Idiot... 8-O lol
All these recurrent events that seem to run so very parallel with my past experiences... to be honest... are starting to make me feel sort of like them spinning or circling activities....
Since the posting I referred to in the previous blog had occurred on Feb. 8th, about 4 days away from my getting into the ER and the psychiatric ward there afterwards....
Can't quite tell you how sane or how insane I am at this point.... other than voices have really gone down as well as delusional thoughts.... (guess it is sort of difficult for the head to generate them when not running too much and kept on getting resetting....)
Whether I could cycle out them circles.... well... one thing I am damn sure is that....
In time... the answer will unfold....
And... to hell... seeing my psychiatrist again tomorrow.... and... ya... that one I already went to see in the psychiatric ward.... 8-O lol
Thinking about it... now that much of the cognition seems to have been taken away... feel sort of sorry now to God knows what since---- sort of confused about what else in my head could be taken away other than air?
And, if it the leftover air that is wanted.... Take it... Take it... Absolutely help yourself and I can't show enough of my gratitute for it.... 8-O lol 8-X
I was in a situation which made me wondered... is that "sleeping disorder" I recently acquired contagious? 8-O
Could it be true that I really have acquired some known talent through them swinging activities?
Then, I thought with a relief... even shall that be true... so what? Nature has set its policy on me... and I could do no harm.... 8-O lol
This thing... I guess I would call "intuition" came up to me...
It was not me.
Perhaps, there truly are people with "special talents".... and it is them... I didn't do it... 8-O lol
Then, I thought again... since now nature is bounded by the policy it set on me... my existence could result in no harm to anyone....
I felt happy.... and....
Hopefully, this time, the whole harm thing is not gonna ship me down to the cuckoo cuckoo's nest....
Of course, this belief that there are someone else out there.... was another belief I developed before my last institutionalization in February....
And, as I was reading the above link... for the first time did I realize that... I seem to have been doing that sleep walking through for longer than I am aware of...
Once every so often, as I am doing whatever I do in the park, this thought would come up to me...
Thank God I live in the modern era.... otherwise.... witch hunt?! 8-O lol
Then, I thought what the doctor had told me repeatedly.... it is all about 氣--- the vital energy that makes up the universe including you and me. It has nothing to do with ghosts, witches, spirits, Gods etc.... in the conventional sense.
What I learned recently through my hallucinations and delusions is... perhaps, it is simply about nature and the power of nature if I could call it this way.... and what I call as nature now might be what I had, once, called... God, spirit, life... etc.. I guess, naming is something that doesn't quite matter anymore for me at this point...
Another lesson the doctor could not stop reminding me was.... be good and don't try to do bad things... especially things that could get me into conflicts because conflicts beget conflicts.... manifested not necessarily in the "just in time" manner....
That brought me back to last night's experiences..
That was the experience that some other forces were trying to invade me and to attack me because they thought I had some special kind of "power".... I laid there--- having the feeling that I am all protected from all angles... with the only concern in my mind.... I have no control over anything... just do no harm....
Some recurrent theme... whenever I am approaching the gate towards the cuckoo cuckoo's nest...
It did not last long and then it ceased...
In dasein... they felt real... while, yes, they are possibly just my delusions, hallucinations, and, the chi that didn't flow quite so smoothly...
Then, as I was doing my exercise in the park this afternoon, one voice I could not shake or one thought that followed me from beginning to end was...
"Do no harm."
The matter of the fact is... well, it is for pure selfish reason... since, I have no control over anything, at least one thing I could do is to rest my faith in nature's forces... to protect me from harming the others... and, thus, myself.... (and, to be honest, at this point of time, if there is anyone I am most afraid of... it would be "myselves".... 8-O lol)
At perhaps, nature has been trying to teach me the same lessons repeatedly... except for... I just kept on missing its points...
So ends my posting on the day I saw that Mr. Hawk hovering in the sky... and, yes, its tail is red... 8-O lol
For more information about what ancient Chinese said about 氣 Chi (Qi) or Qi Kung.... feel free to check out chapter 23- QiGong by Lee, C. & Lei, T. in the book Essentials of Complementary and Alternative Medicine (Eds. W.B. Jonas and J. S. Levin).
After a good 10 hours sleep, I got up and went to the park to do some exercises....
Don't know how long into my exercise.... at some point, I saw a blue bird flying to the tree in front of me.... whether it stopped or not, I forgot.... and, in no time, it flew away...
The only thin I remember about that blue bird is that... first, it was blue and second, it has this punk kind of hairstyle on its head... and it was black...
Then, I saw a different bird... sort of smaller than sparrow or maybe baby sparrow...
Later, I found a whole lot of a different kind of birds all around in the trees... the only thing I know about them is they are not pigeons, sparrow and the other kind of bird I often saw in the city... (it seems like the description I could give you is just getting vaguer and vaguer.... 8-O lol)
In any case, I started my day exercising in the park... hearing birds singing and flying everywhere as well as staring at them pigeons and spirals for some time.
In the middle of the day, I went to St. John the Divine, did some more of that yawning and falling asleep kind of thing...
At some point, I started to feel energy coming down from my head and moving through my body... It felt as if it were trying to do something to the left side of my head... right side of my head... and both. Towards the end, there was this feeling... sort of like all boundaries gone and also sort of like I was floating.... Then, at some point, while my eyes closed, I saw visions of light in the sky and doves flying towards me.... Of course, I also heard them voices, too... All these were interrupted by the flash light of a guy who was trying to take pictures in the church.... 8-O lol
As I got up and started to move away.... this voice came... "All these are illusions if not hallucinations." 8-O lol
Then, I went back to the park as per direction of my.... I guess what you would call... intuition...
So I exercised again...
They were not big movements but quickly got me all sweaty from head to toe.
Towards the end, I had the realization that some of them movements sort of make me feel like a fledgling bird strengthening its body while learning to fly... Possibly, these kinds of movements also help to release chi or energies fast.... whatever...
In addition, I also did my laundry and did quite a bit of food shopping for the day....
Voice-wise or thought-wise....
This thought that kept on coming to me recently also spoke up today....
It takes a psychotic and a real Fool (ya. with capital F) to live through all these days because voices are voices and delusions are delusions. At the same time, it took all them yawning and waking up to reset my head.
Whether it is true or not, we will see in time....
And, another strong feeling or thought I had for the whole day is.... "food... food....meat"....
So I got myself fruit, veges and meat.... at various points in the day...
For dinner, I got myself asparagus, meat and fruit....
One more new sentence that kept on coming up was...
"The bubble burst." (Might have to do with what one mentioned one day about them bubbles)
Then, I thought...
Perhaps today I am finally hatched... this is why I kept on wondering around looking for food... and meat.... and no wonder I used to live in the cuckoo cuckoo's nest various times... 8-O lol
One more thought that came back while I was browsing through food in a shop was... "Do no harm." Something that has the propensity to occur when I was on my way back to the nest... 8-O lol
And, by the way, them voices and delusions were not as proliferate today.... might have something to do with the feeling that I just keep on waking up.... 8-O lol (while, that intuition thing tells me... them sleeping moments are needed though, if I sleep through the day, it might make it difficult for me to sleep in the night... lol)
Sorry if there seems to be a lack of them flow in this posting.... such be the my writing under the influence of "minus cognition," I guess.... Sort of like how I used to feel when over-drugged... though I am still on the same dosage that I have been diligently taking on a daily basis...
It would be interesting though to see how tomorrow unfolds...
So as I was thinking about how I am frozen from head to toe....
I decided to take a long long HOT shower and washed my hair--- and blow dried my hair plus head afterwards (hot air of course)...
Thinking... maybe that could be useful in defrosting them iceberg in my airhead.
Be it real or not... it seems to be working.... feeling as if iceberg melting.... cold air evaporating, coming out and moving down.... as long as you don't ask me to validate this statement. 8-O lol
Whether it works or not, I guess, no one ever told me to not take showers and wash hair.... 8-O lol
If this works.... perhaps time for me to get back to the gym to hit the sauna....
Ok... I said I will try to not psych-anything myself.... yet, still can't help it....
The more I think about all these things that have been going on in my body and my head.... the more I wonder how much closer I might actually be towards the level of the institutionalizable kinda grade.
One thing I know is.... every time I was at the institutionalizable kind of level.... I would turn to be some wacko that speak no evil about the others and think of only good thoughts.... as a result of that delusional kinda thinking that even all things spoken in private are "recorded." (although there is no way for me to tell you whether it is a good or bad indicator for my mental health condition).
Thinking about it....
I still feel fairly comfortable bitching about people these past week or two....
Perhaps, not all that bad... just far stranger each everyday...
Yet, what do I know... at the end of the day, I am but.......
Got to work early... did a bit of the software installation thing for them laptops...
Since nothing urgent to perform, I followed the direction of my body to go into the office and started doing some of my swinging thing....
Started slowly as usual... then, there came the time when I sensed this "clicking" in my neck.... something sort of ordinary nowadays since, during the movements, the neck seems to have the tendency clicking up everywhere...
If you have seen a chiropractor... you would know that click...
Then, my torso went into sort of a quieter mode... while the thing called my head which is above my neck started turning around....
From then on... I heard cracking sound here and there everywhere in my head... from left to right, from front to back, and from top to down....
You see... if this cracking sounded like from the lower part of my head, I would have assumed it as the sound originating from my cervical spine or even the breaking up of them wax in my ears...
Yet, when it goes much higher up.... aren't there supposed to be nothing but them tofu encapsulated in my skull?
So, unless the part of my brain that process sound was going out of whack, where did the sound come from?
So... it occurred to me... gees... could it be it is them 29 bones in the skull that are cracking up?
So the head and neck slowly moved while I heard crack here-- crack there-- crack crack everywhere... up to a point when I started to feeling that something in my head started to crack down.... resulting in the release of them cold and icy cold chi coming down from my head to my entire torso and limbs...
When I said it is ice cold.... it is ice cold on the inside.... and it was the absolute opposite of the experience of being a ball of fire.....
Then coldness came down so fast that it felt as if the lung, tranche and bronchi have also been frozen... I tried to exhale yet I couldn't quite get the icy air out of my system.... and I realized that... it was so much easier to get them fiery heat out than them icy cold...
Feeling the whole person coming down to a frozen state.... I intuitively thought to myself... I need to smoke a cigarette..... somehow... it would make me feel a bit better....
It did help me to get my tranche out of the frozen state..... at least, temporarily...
Getting back to the office, not only was my body all frozen, the esophagus was getting all dried (?)...
Something told me to drink warm water and a lot of warm water.....
And, I went back to do some more of them swinging.... while, not only were the extremity of my limbs were cold.... it felt as if the coldness was coming out from all over my body.... towards the time when the coldness even gotten evaporated out of the head itself.... and, at times, it felt as if the cold actually came shooting out of my ears...
So I moved from one place to another--- in search for a warmer spot... yet such pursuit was of no use because that icy kind of coldness was being expelled from myself...
After work, I eventually arrived at the park.... where starting from the icy cold stage, I eventually started to feel the warmth in the back while in the front, still, icy cold....
At some point, the body started to circle around and around again.... as if it is trying to speed up the letting go of them cold air through them spinning around....
After a stop, my body got back to doing its moving around again....
So my body spun, spun, spun and kept on spinning.... faster, faster and even faster.... Before my eyes, I saw no trees, no park, no building and no nothing anymore.... as usual, all that I saw were horizontal lines.... piling up on top of each other.... as a result of the speed...
Then, I heard this gentleman's voice, "Are you OK?"
Amazingly, I heard how I had responded to him with my own usual voice while kept on spinning around in high speed....
"Yes, I am fine. Thank you." 8-O lol
And, I kept on spinning.... till it was time to finally slow down and stop... and maybe started doing them circling or spinning around again till it ended.
If you ask me what is most memorable during today's spinning activities and how it differs from the other days....
It is that icy cold that descends from my head down to the rest of my body....
At certain point, as I was spinning around, it felt as if there are ice tubes going from my forearm down my palm.... while them icy air tried to escape through my hands.... the new just kept on, from my head down, descend....
In addition, as the cold air started to come down, I found my body to start being in pain and in aches....
At that point, this term that had been hunting me for all these times resurface.... "Psychosomatization."
This is the best demonstration of psychosomatization.... and they have been right all these times.
When the frozen chi finally gets to be relief from my wacko head, it descended from the head and the body takes the hit.... trying its best to shake them icy cold chi off.... trying its best....
Then I though of all the ups and down that had happened since then as well as how my body had gradually come to spin at such speed.... preparation....
(And, as long as you don't ask what is preparing for what.... )
Then I thought how the voices and my intuition have been telling me that it is about time to start fixing my head...
Then I thought of this voice and thought that keep on whispering in my head these week or two...
冰凍三尺非一日之寒....
sort of like... it took more than one day's chill to result in the freezing ice that is three feet deep... or Rome is not built in one day.
And, I thought...
Perhaps, it is true that all things have a reason....
How I am going to be tomorrow and the next few days.... there is no way to predict except for waiting till then...
Yet, perhaps, without the ups and downs these 2 weeks or so, I won't be able to get to a point when my head started to crack down... for possibly, with them daily exercises getting a bit too habitual, my body won't be strong enough to take them icy cold....
As for them yawning etc moments.... perhaps, some part of the bad chi in the head is much easier to evaporate.... while other parts are just too resilient.... sort of like the ice that has been build up in the freezer a my casa.... (if you have seen it.... you would understand.... lol)
And, how funny life is....
It was yesterday when googling about my yawning did I read something like the following.... bad chi could be manifested as coldness in the hands and feet..... How would I have known otherwise.... 8-O lol
And, if it were true that the thick ice is really cracking down in that air head of mine 8-O lol, perhaps I really have been really head strong.... 8-O lol
I don't know why but I seem to be stuck with this yawning and feeling as if I am sleeping kinda thing...
Sometimes I would even be wondering to myself... what kind of sleeping kinda disorder is that?
So earlier in the day yesterday, I asked the master to whom I am still owing beef jerky (Confucius said that he would teach anyone who came with them jerky) 8-O lol
My master said he has to get back to me about it.
Later in the day, as usual, I was yawning and falling asleep while awake...
So I got home and decided to google about them my usual strange daily phenomena.
Somewhere out there in the the world wide web I read.... tearing, yawning and sighing are ordinary phenomena people experience during 氣功 exercise. Experiencing them, what it means is that, I guess, bad chi is being expel from one's body to relief problems in the body and the head....
In addition, some have also said that yawning and the falling asleep kind of state could be an indication that one is in a state of deep relaxation such as during meditation.
Whether any of the above is true and is related to my experiences... at least one thing I know is that no where in them postings did I find statements saying them experiences are wrong...
I thought about it and replied with something like... "I heard about it but I don't know what it is."
Afterwards, I looked it up online...
A I was reading online the following...
An 'Active Directory' (AD) structure is a hierarchical framework of objects. The objects fall into three broad categories: resources (e.g., printers), services (e.g., email), and users (user accounts and groups).
This boss of mine came over and asked what I was doing....
I replied, "I am reading about Active Directory."
He said, "I have a tutorial about Active Directory."
Since all that I need was to get some basic sense about the technology, I told him, "Thanks but maybe later."
Yet, in no time, he came back to me with a big book and handed it to me...
I went... "Oh, my god... that's a huge book..."
Now that I got the book in my hand....
I went through the table of contents and located the chapter with the term "Active Directory" in the title.
So I scanned through it and thought.... umm.... sounds familiar...
Then, I continued to the next chapter and the next till the end of the book.... or flipping through page after page....
Essentially, what I realized after the first chapter was....
I have done the majority of tasks in them chapters before (e.g., join computers into domains, creating user account, assigning privileges to accounts, terminal services, VPN, etc).... and, for certain topics, they were even topics I discussed in the "Internet Technologies" course I taught...
Except for... I just don't know what "Active Directory" is... 8-O lol
I guess, this is sort like... I experience the thing called looking at the big bird on the tree... while what I did not know was... what is a hawk? 8-O lol
After my job interview today, I went to hang out a bit for a glass of wine or two to relief the anxiety...
It was there when I met with this young lady who...
When listening to her describing herself, I could not help thinking... Man.... what kind of coincidence is that... it sounds more like she is talking about me...
It is so much of a coincidence that I could not stop wondering....
Would it be possible that people actually could understand me so well after reading my blog within which I got myself analyzed to death....
Unless... who I speak of is not merely me.... just people...
In any case, it was quite some funny experience.... and...
At some point, to the lady I thanked, "It is sounding like you are the mirror image of me because your description fits me so very well. It is as if I am in a psychotherapy session except for all words have come out of you, not even needed to come out from myself... "
After work, I went to the park doing my every changing God knows what... (ok... my voice tell me to call it 氣功).
For reasons unknown, I stopped at a different location and start to move in however way that I am moved....
At some point, I saw a big bird resting on the tree....
To the passersby, I pointed.... "Hi, come see... there is a very big bird on the tree..."
One of the lady told me... "That a hawk. Must be looking for a rat."
I happily responded, "I am a rat. I was born in the year of the rat." 8-O lol
The lady replied, "Me as well!"
So I kept on doing whatever I was moved to do... sometimes checked out the hawk....
Then, I thought of what the professor said in class about symbols... how ravens symbolize something between life and death... (oops... sorry... it is my bad memory... it is not me...)
After I got home, about hawks I googled.... the symbolic meaning of hawks....
Somewhere I found...
Source I Animal Symbolism – A combination of cultures Hawk - Nobility, recollection, cleansing, messenger, observer, Solar, clarity, discrimination, inspiration, the soul.
Native American Animal Symbolism Hawk - Awareness, Truth Additional Native American Symbolism (many duplicates): Hawk--Messenger of the sky, observer Various Native American Cultures Hawk-Strength, Foresight, Truth
Source 2 Hawk's Wisdom Includes:
Clear-sightedness
Being observant
Far-memory
Messages from spirit
Guardianship
Recalling past lives
Courage
Wisdom
Illumination
Seeing the larger picture
Creativity
Truth
Experience
Wise use of opportunities
Overcoming problems
Source 3 HAWK - is the messenger. IT is also about visionary power and guardianship, the hawk is very protective of the young in its nest. It teaches us about providing for family and self. Hawk teaches us to be observant and to pay attention to what we may overlook. This could mean a talent we don't use, a blessing for which we haven't expressed gratitude, or a message from Spirit. The hawk has keen eyesight, it is about opening our eyes and seeing that which is there to guide us. Source 4 In representation to humanity, the hawk is called messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of it’s greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss. The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.... Source 5
Awareness of the Big Picture
Guardianship
Truth
Channeling
Visionary
Latent Power
Messages from the Blue Road of Spirit
Higher Calling
Illumination
Observation
Source 6 Hawks Traditionally used as messengers of the Gods, these swift raptors teach us to be observant and clear-sighted, to see the larger picture and react with swiftness, strength and courage. They symbolize solar energy and warrior spirit.
The funny thing is....
The last time I saw a big bird like this... don't know whether it is the same one... it was once in the winter's day... by Lerner Hall... leading the path of my life towards the cuckoo cuckoo's nest... 8-O lol
Today, insane still I am... yet...
At a point when I am going to live the phenomena as phenomena...
At a point when I am pondering about letting go of psychoanalyzing myself... for enough done... no longer my reponsibility... it was needed before, somehow.... no need any more... as long as I could refrain myself from doing so... (authorization granted by your Defectory Fool to all who want to psycho-anything me to death...) 8-O lol
At a point when I submit my life to be the Parsifal I am supposed to be... fighting all these times to be abnormally normal... now simply accept all that's normally abnormal... though I yet have to find my own version of the holly grail... 8-O lol
Think about it... what is the password? Perhaps, the password is again right within my reach... except for... I am still waiting to see when I am gonna come out from them circles...
Or, perhaps, the message delivered by the hawk was... turn that VCR off so that you could watch your TV.... like NOW.
One major event I remember in the morning was the two bosses of mine working on counting some money...
One boss of mine talked about how his old way of counting them money resulted in mistakes.
The other boss of mine said, "We all are human. Human makes mistakes."
Then, the day went by...
I found myself one thing to do after another.... got myself all busy while no one told me at all to do so...
In the back of my head, I still remember the mistakes I made for two weeks in a roll...
In the heat of moment... I gradually forgot the lessons learned.... and got myself all wined up search for a "password" of a specific software...
Having installed gazillion software programs in my life... this is the first time I am asked to enter a "password"....
I asked people... I looked everywhere... I tried everything I could... in search of that "password"...
Or, more accurately, I asked everyone except for the boss sitting next to me who made the comment that "Human makes mistakes."
When I finally got to ask her... she said, "I recall I was just doing some paper work on that software"....
She tried to look and find it... yet couldn't quite locate it...
Or, before she could, someone came and another came... people coming for help...
In the meanwhile, I called up the tech support for the company... and the information provided by the tech support was just getting both me and the tech support guy more and more confused...
At some point, when all things seem to be in a big state of confusion....
"Who are you speaking with?" My boss asked.
"The tech support from the company."
"Didn't I tell you to wait?"
She pulled out the paper... where there resided the "password."
All the things going on must have gotten my head in a spin... and I heard myself raising my voice....
I sat down... finally was able to complete the installation of the software...
The body is sending me a message which I should have caught it earlier...
Recalling what I did to myself last week... I slowed down or stopped to rest... till when I felt a relative state of homeostasis...
I turned to my boss and said, "I am sorry that I had raised my voice at you."
My dear boss replied with something like... "I did not take it that way at all."
Then, the time comes to finish installing the software with the "password."
I stopped doing it myself... and talked this poor coworker of mine through the installation process...
I stayed there to make sure the unfinished installations are completed but them machines I dare not touch... especially after 5:00 o'clock...
So I said to my coworker... "It could be a superstition of mine.... yet, now I dare not touch the computers...." (call it a phobia developing in process if you wish).
Whether she understand it or not...
So I thought...
Such is the story of my life and the lesson yet to be learned...
The "password" is always by my side except for I just have to, first, running around in circle like a doggies chasing its own tail before I could finally see the "password".
And, I thought...
Thank God that I am in a safe environment always protected.... despite of my inevitable propensity to chase after my own tail...
So I got home, turned on the TV... finding myself still facing the black screens...
Powered the cable box off and on... Switched the cable box off and on...
Still, in my face, them black TV screen...
Then I looked at the VCR that I haven't touched for a long long time... months it must have been...
The power is on...
Don't know why... the intuition that failed to arrive last night, I guess... I switched it off...
There came... the TV screen...
Apparently, that psychotic VCR of mine (oops... no offense) turned itself on (and not the first time) last night as I was doing my TV watching... stopped me watching that "Criminal Mind"....
Perhaps, too gross an episode for me to watch... me myself stop can not (thought about it but did nothing)... them machines got me to stop. 8-O lol
Than I thought... I know I got feelings for them machines... didn't know they also got feelings for me... 8-O lol
Went to see my new psychiatrist today, ended up... he was the doctor I had all the way back in the psychiatric ward in February...
Although there is an absolutely logical reason why I am seeing him now--- my previous psychiatrist knew he was my doctor in the ward and that is why I have been referred to him... I can't stop thinking....
How appropriate... 2 nights after them scary moments, I am facing him... as if whatever superme power is telling me... Lady... Watch it...
Anyways, to cut it short, delusions and hallucinations seem to fall under the comfort zone although I can do with fewer of them...
On my way back home from the doctor's visit, this voice keep on whispering in the back of my head... "Let go of your cognitions..."
That reminded me of the time when I was on the ER bed waiting for that bed up on the 8th floor in the cuckoo cuckoo's next...
How I had begged the psychiatrist...
"Help me... I need my cognition.."
And, today....
"Let go of your cognition" was the main thing that kept on popping up in my head... while "let go of your voices" the second notion I could not escape...
Then, when I finally got to do my exercise... it felt as if... my body and mind trying to get that cognition of mine out of my head....
So I was there, thinking... "I don't know what I have to do... Yet, if this is what you want, do whatever you could, please, take my cognition away...." and, of course, and them voices... (no offense...)
Then, the voice called...
"Go back to watch your TV." 8-O lol
And, of course, the one day when I am doing my TV watching, the programs disappear all of a sudden... can't even do TV watching.... 8-O lol
Having taken all the courses provided by my department this semester, I thought to myself.... man... what course should I take....
Thinking about all those form not form and time no time kinda moments I have been experiencing recently....
Remembering why some literature found some positive correlation between patients growing out of pain and spirituality (although I am still not sure what its definition is)....
Recalling having seen a course with a title including the word "spirituality"....
I went ahead to look for that course and registered it for me... for, the good thing about taking courses to learn is that the professors would have collected all the current information in the field to give me a snapshot about the topic.
You see... at the beginning of the time, I had wanted to go into clinical psychology. Yet, I declined the acceptance of the one and one school that admitted me to the doctoral program and chose to roll in the master's program in developmental psychology instead.... which led my life towards a different path... and I ended up did a dissertation studying the usability of computer interface based on cognitive theories.
At the beginning, despite of my major in developmental psychology, I was in the research team of a professor in counselling psychology with a special interest in cross-cultural studies. By the time I got my doctor degree, I was in the program of instructional technologies while my advisor a cognitive psychologist.... As I am trying to get done with the Stats now, I ended up landing on a course offered by the Clinical and Counseling psychology program.... (thinking about it... no wonder I am schizo in soma and in phrenia... can't even put my study plan in one piece... 8-O lol) So, today, I went to the first meeting for this course...
The topic being brought up was "synchronicity."
A topic that had been brought up in our research team before about 10 years ago sometime after the beginning of my study.
I still recall how I sat in the meetings... wondering why on earth we are talking about some absurd topic but not examining them "scientifically based research and theories."
I guess it was just not the right time and I was totally out of sync with that topic...
Then, almost at the end of my professional student career, I found myself back into a room filled with students wanting to get into the field of clinical and counseling psychology.
And, the topic of "synchronicity" got reloaded again....
The professor asked for volunteers to provide some scenario...
Finding no one else wanting to volunteer... I offered my story about... "back no good- visa denied-back better-over cane-visa issued" while, in the back of my mind, I was till getting a scare by what happened last night...
You see, I try to avoid working into the night or working for long hours nowadays because... my intuition says so... or more appropriately, my voices tell me so. 8-O lol
So, two weeks ago, yours idiot tried to do things over my body's limit and I was in pain and agony....
Yet, I did not learn the lesson quite so well...
Then, last week, yours idiot unwittingly overdid my body's limit again... This round, I was in pain, in burning heat, and, of course, in agony again....
So, I tried to learn the lesson...
But, alas, yours truly intuitively thought that extra cup of grande Mocha from Starbucks might got my body not happy... Yet, I drank it... and went through a night of horror that I just could not fall asleep...
At this point, even a slow learner like me is starting to wonder.... what could I not do to upset my body...
So, I try to be good... nothing icy, spicy, no excessive amount of caffeine, not working for too long without stretching, and "eat."
So, there came last night... where conditions breed upon conditions...
Someone else could not work and I agreed to work into the night till the gentleman came back.... condition # I.
Yet, into the early evening, another location of our division had some SOS... no one was yet present and I had to devise myself into twice-- overlooking both locations... condition #2.
Eventually, condition #2 was resolved... leaving only condition # I to be taken care of. Yet, at that point, I knew I had already gone over the limits that have been casted like spells upon me.
So, last night, as I was making my postings... I heard them noises from downstairs as usual despite the fact that I lived on the 6th floor...
At some point, I heard a girl screaming or yelling downstairs...
This strong sense of inclination force me to think... "She is screaming about my version 3 posting about that husband of mine."
Something told me... that was a genuine belief that I could not negate and the strength of that belief is equivalent to how it had been right before the time before, this February, when I went into the Cuckoo Cuckoo's nest...
Then, all those dark moments of pain and fear resurfaced from my memories... in short, people were reacting to contents I have been posting... in short, leading them wanting to do harm to the others and me...
It was as if the Pandora's box has been open and them delusions and hallucinations just kept coming back as memories and as themselves.... sort of like how it felt then...
So I took my meds and went to bed.... wondering what the night ahead was to unveil....
They, yet, just kept on coming back like waves hitting against the shore.. with them water so very salty rubbing the wound ever growing...
I begged to my mind and body....
I am sorry... I didn't mean to do it but just the circumstances... I am really sorry... I never mean to do it...
In scare and in pain, I guess I started weeping in the dark... apologizing and apologizing wishing that it would all come to a stop.
"I don't want to go back." So I said...
"I don't want to go back...." So I begged...
Then I heard...
"Don't worry... we will protect you. You are protected. It is just that... you have to go back...."
So it kept on coming till the time when the shield was up... shielding me away from the delusions and hallucinations... leaving me with only pain and hurt in my heart...
Eventually, it all came to an end...
It was all calm as if nothing ever happened... and, I guess, into my sleep I felt...
Then, in the morning up I woke, went to class, went to work and went to do my exercises after work....
Yet, never was there a moment did I switch off them antennas detecting signals for worsening mental health... though whether it could amount to any help is another issue a lesson reinforced by my last hospitalization...
Then, I got back to my room and started this posting about Synchronicity....
Up to the point when I was about to describe what happened last night...
I felt the presence of them delusions and hallucinations again... in the air....
I felt scared...
"Don't worry... we will protect you..." So I have been told by... I guess... my own body and mind.
So, I felt scared, hurt, and I felt the pain of the past....
They overcame me like flood and I burst into tears, like a baby, starting to cry....
So I said, "It hurts" and I cried.... and cried some more...
And, the voice me gently asked... "Doesn't it make you feel better?"
And, I thought.... now I feel the scare, the hurting, the pain and I cried....
However I could such psychoanalyze... it ain't matter any more...
The only thing I know is that... now I do feel better...
The matter of the fact is that...
I did think about them conditions and the propensity for conditions to breed conditions.... how familiar...
Then, as I browsed through the archive of my blog... reading them postings I made towards the House..... I found this intriguingly similarity between then and now... though too late to be elaborating on them for I shall be getting ready for my morning meeting with that psychiatrist of mine.... (God bless...)
One thing I do know that is different is.... revisiting this song.... I know I am never going to be alone... though here I go again on my own goin' down the only road I've ever known....
I also couldn't stop wondering... whether there really exist such thing called... La forza...
del destino...
of nature...
of life...
or of anything else of similar sort...
And... though I couldn't fight doubting what them voices me told...
I couldn't help pondering whether in such there exists some truth.... cheesy as it might sound...
What will come will come.... and sometimes you have to go back in order to move on.... when the time finally comes...
As I am ending this posting... after going through all them psychotically neurotic Dasein moments... for once me my voices or all things written in this posting to doubt not( or try not to)...
This question I have...
"Why am I a learner so very GDF slow?"
So flow the thought...
Nature's force....
So marks the end of my posting on synchronicity concerning a whole lot of God knows what and ya... my meds already popped... 8-O lol
P.S., And, whether I am going back to that institutionalizable grade or not as per evidence offered by contents of this posting for they are absolutely absurd... I guess we will see... sort of like the pondering about morning kinda condition....
Waking up on the street, I saw the season has changed....
I remember vaguely something I posted about that husband of mine...
Feeling quite absurd and remembered a comment made by a friend of mine once with something like the following...
"The problem with you woman is that you want everything in a man while a man wants different things from different women." 8-O lol
Can't quite understand now how that husband of mine could get all the way down to this version III.... lol
Guess, after circling around all these times, I am back to my original position somewhere in my previous posting....
Would be nice to have a husband making money, another one doing laundry, another one taking care of the kids... etc etc... and, of course, among them, there gotta be someone who could understand me and who could me accept... 8-O lol
No wonder them postings are 99.999...% 8-O lol
So they say in about that unfolding analysis thing... we just keep on looking for that perfect solution and just keep on hitting them local maxima or minima...
After I shut down the computer last night, I realized...
When I said...
"While what he did not know was... I am my psychosis... however you, the concept of I, partition..."
I was barking, again, at da wrong tree...
What really matter was and What I didn't know or could not accept was...
I am my psychosis.
So, as I was walking my way down to the park, I felt... how do you put it... more like in one piece kind of thing...
It is almost like... my psychotic self and the other part of me... eventually started to merge...
Is it because I finally came to the true acceptance for God knows what? I don't know...
Is it because this is finally time for the separated sense of selves to become one? I don't know...
The matter of the fact is...
I could try to generate all hypotheses ever imaginable... yet, the answer would still be... I don't know.
One thing I know is...
When I was walking around or doing God knows what today....
There is this strange sense that I can't quite to you explain that...
My psychotic self and the other part of self that has been spared under my control seem to have been joined into either the same work group or domain.... while they once were separate workstations...
Or, it feels as if they are them veges in that salad pot... starting to mix together although not yet melting...
When this friend of mine saw me this morning, he asked, "What do you do in the park?"
I replied, "There are so many cute guys in the park and some don't really wear too much..." 8-O lol
My friend's response was something like... but most of them guys don't like girls.... (man... what a loss!)
This remind me of the criteria I set for my husband... Other than one who could understand and accept me who has a bit more in some capacity... no offense... I need a boy that likes girls...
Yet, I guess, in the scenario of green card marriage... gay guys would be beautiful picks..... 8-O lol
At the same time, remember that episode in Seinfeld when Seinfeld went out with a girlfriend who was the mirror image of him? Perhaps all that has been manifested in the writing was simply my narcissism... (like there is anything new... don't all them hallucinations and delusions center around me? 8-O lol)
This word "insane" is appearing more and more to me nowadays.
Granted... it is a legal term rather than a clinical term.
Yet, as I was walking down the street yesterday, it occurred to me that the good thing about insanity is there is always a counterpart called sanity.
As a matter of fact, I bet, for the majority of people you might call insane, there remains still sanity in them...
In that guy I bumped into earlier this afternoon...
In all others of them that you see on the street...
In that teacher I came across who killed her own daughter because she believed that Satan was coming to get her daughter when doing my internship...
Illogical as they might seem and aberrant their behavior might appear... deep down inside... there is always logic behind their thinking and their acts....
What makes us insane might have more to do with the precursor of beliefs... contents... for there exists contents accessible to only ourselves-- be it perceptions or interpretations, and, whether we are aware of it or not.... (remember how I told you that my husband is yet to be born?)
This reminds me of what this friend of mine once said to me...
"You are too much influenced by your psychosis."
While what he did not know was... I am my psychosis... however you, the concept of I, partition...
Speaking on behalf of my thought-disordered insane self or myself... 8-O lol
So, these two days... people seemed to be getting all excited about my marriage kinda thing...
Ok... business is business.. for a green card marriage, they say the market price is 10 grant... Find me one and I bite it.
Yet, finding me that husband of mine... might be more technical...
So I thought back at them ex boyfriends of mine and how things worked...
Apparently, I went through that stage of wanting to shape myself into the common expectation of a girl kinda thing....
I tried hard and, well, guess that kinda strategy didn't quite fly...
Then, there came to the time when I met up with that jackass of mine whom I almost got married to.
So I guess, I must have met him God Knows how many years at conferences and for all those years he tried to chat me up.
I was going through this and going through that, until, one year, I said to myself... to hell... I have been single for how long... doesn't hurt for him to buy me a dinner while he or his division ended up paying for the whole table of people I collected on our way to the restaurant.
Looking back, there was attraction, passion, and many other things ending with -ion...
I hear voices and have delusional thoughts...
He has visions and believe they predict the future.
I guess, it takes one to understand one or, birds of a feather, flock together.... 8-O lol
In addition, both of us holding jobs in the same field and love them computers mucho mucho...
Yet, I guess, it is still too much for him to accept me as who I am... provided by the nature of the long distance relationship... we eventually grew apart till the time finally came when he ended the relationship via the acts of total disappearance.
It was not until maybe a year later, when he all of a sudden left and message on my answering machine... and, later, trying to get reconnect again and again through emails...
I guess I have seen breaking up in different kinds of format...
One said it's the end of it. Point blank.
One said adios and drove away cross country in Canada...
One basically went to another woman...
The only time I tried to end something... I was told we never had any meaty conversations.
With that almost husband, I guess.. you could say that we never officially broke up while silence was the most deadly form of breaking up. Perhaps, that might be what you say... a lack of closure... resulting in the endless process of breaking up... (although God knows... the confusion of interpretations)
Yet, it is not until I start to look back did I realize that... what really brought up together, fate or not, was the fact that we both are, I guess, crazy in our own way although mine could be labeled as institutional grade...
So, in the recent days, I sometimes ponder...
Other than what kinds of men could I find... what kind of man do I want...
All of a sudden, I realize...
Fate or not.... they are just not for me... simply because most of them are too normal to handle me. As for that crazy match of mine, too difficult, still, am I for him to handle...
I can't really blame them at this point... because I am even sometimes a bit too much of a handful for myself, let along God knows when I will come to true acceptance of myself.
Perhaps, if there is truly going to be someone for me to make it work, this has to be someone who could understand me better than me, given that I am in an absolute state of confusions, as well as accepting that me who is predictably getting stranger and stranger every other day.
Otherwise, it won't work... simple as that...
Then, I thought... it would take someone really inhuman to be that one.
And, inevitably, I had the feeling that... that person might exist somewhere except for it is just not yet time and that he is not yet born and it might take a few years for a birth fairly difficult.... (ok, this is starting to remind me of the matrix... 8-O lol)
Granted, finding a man is already difficult... let along finding that superman grade cuckoo cuckoo match of mine...
Yet, since they say God will grant your will as long as you ask for it... on the basis of other people's faith and belief... God, a man of such criteria I wish for... You did lead me to a close enough match the very last time... Please work on getting me the right one the next time... 8-O lol
(Think whether I am being serious once for a change? Ya, you bet, I am damn psychotically serious.... 8-O lol 8-X)
Feeling him not quite understand what I meant... I added...
"Do my share for me."
Let's call it shifting responsibility and I don't really have that capacity to be, for myself, feeling sorry...
Then, on my way home, I came across this gentleman.... institutional grade...
He sat there smoking and crying on and off...
Looking at him, I knew the pain that he endures in his reality though, I know not how exact he feels in the imaginary world of his... so very the same yet so very different.
Then I heard his voice in my head... "I am crying for you for the pain you endure." (Speaking of not having the time to feel sorry for myself.... 8-O lol)
So I thought in my mind to him...
"Take the drug... it will make it better for you so that you do not have to suffer the pain you are carrying with you..."
I didn't have the courage, though, to him, such thoughts to reveal.... for... he is in a state beyond our level of reality and it takes more than the intrusion of some stranger on the street to mention to him of a different kind of reality shared by many more people.
Then matter of the fact is that...
After I woke up this morning, having proven that I did fall asleep, I felt both a sense of relief and, for myself, sort of sorry.....
I was, Ok... actually afraid to go to bed.
It was actually really scary for me to face the moments between waking and sleeping...
So I laid in bed... can't let go of the fear... having the fear that... perhaps, shall I have my conscious fear let go, the night before would recapitulate itself...
It is actually a very common yet strange kind of experience....
It is not until you live through it would you know how things eventually will unveil...
So I laid there... pondering about what it be like in the morning....
Them inordinate strange experiences did come back... yet at a much minor league scale...
Somewhere along the line...
This thought or voice me told with something like....
"Be scare not... the fear will pass... all these are but going to be ordinarily in your reality. You just have more.." 8-O lol
How am I going to live through it and adapt to it...
I don't know....
All that I could do is to ponder... what it be like when that day comes... the same pondering I had when wondering what this morning would unveil...
Then I thought... perhaps, be sorry not.... if only someone could take the pain away.... not this pain... but this pain...
So the song goes....
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
But I wont cry for yesterday, theres an ordinary world,
Somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world...
I will learn to survive.
(Well... thoughts being spoken, consider it tomorrow... in Dasein all but a bit of an ordinary sorrow talk...)
Whit
-
Whit sounds like wit and according to dictionary.com, it means
a particle; bit; jot (used especially in negative phrases).
I have changed not a whit. I do...
A dream: Backpacking
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On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an
extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the
Narita Air...
Ratprincess in Technology not lost?
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Given my sick-in-the-headness, sometimes it's hard to trust my LTM. Did
Ratprincess in Technology really exist or was it my false memory?
As I was marv...
Traces of the past
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A link I found that has been live online from the Down with Meds age.
Apparently, the past has always been there whether I knew it or not.
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