Suffering

So, I thought to myself... oh, lord, how I have suffered and, dear mama, why can't you understand how much I am suffering because of you.

Then, I thought of how Roland Barthes had eloquently elaborated on all those sufferings that young Werther (The Sorrows of Young Werther or Die Leiden des jungen Werther) had underwent for Lotte.

Essentially and if my vague memory is correct, all the suffering was in Werther's head and Werther himself was the source of his suffering.

The matter of the fact is that... the above reminds me greatly of my aka sufferings as a result of my positive symptoms (e.g., delusions and hallucinations).

Take the sleepless nights for instance, actually, it was more than painful to believe that mishaps happened to all those I love and care about because of me.

While nothing in reality had happened, in my imaginary world, I had to kept on believing that those bad things did not happen to them, or, even so, they would live.

In my delusions, the stories are not always straightforward. It is more or less like what you would expect from the storyline of Kafka's writing.

[Beginning of the loop]
I would be in one point hearing and believing that some people are "gone" and, shortly, hearing and believing that they are still alive although sustained some suffering or all but a hoax. Just when I thought that things should be fine with them now, new incidents would occur and scenarios along similar themes would occur and reoccur.... while, inside of me, I constant underwent the real pains associated with the bereavement of losing the ones I love and care for.
[Ending of the loop]

In addition, those who meant the most to me were the ones who sustained most suffering in my delusions and, as a result, causing the most suffering in me... while all was but in my head and these people I love and care for had nothing to do with anything with the soap opera running in my creative mind.

For me, all that I could do, at some point, was to hold on to the thinking that all will be fine with them all.... until, at some point, I finally felt asleep briefly.

And, guess, this is what it means that love could drive you crazy... lol sigh