Electromagnetic hypersensitivity (EHS)

I went to see my rehab doctor who also uses the Qi thing to monitor my body.

He suggested me to use 備長炭 to shield myself against radiation from the computer because I am hypersensitive to radiation.

I know I am very well-endowed.  I know I am sensitive to qi.  I know that every time I had an MRI scan my body will fall into pieces.  However, this is the first time somebody tell me that I am hypersensitive to radiation.  8-O

Came across this posting and the concept of Electromagnetic hypersensitivity (EHS), which absolutely reminds me of some experience I had earlier on in the year...

Home Wireless network:

My neighbors wanted to split the cost for my internet connections.  To save a buck or two, I set up a wireless network in my room so that they can share it.

After the neighbors were gone, I turned the wireless off and I had this feeling that something is "cleared."  Like what many others have mentioned.

Battery charger

I wanted to recharge my batteries and plugged in the charger.  When it started charging, I felt something strange... just wired and not very nice kind of feelings.  Afterwards, every time I charge the batteries, I will get out of the room, move away and some hang somewhere else.

TV

I used to be able to have the TV on in the background and do my thing on the computer.  I don't know starting from when... sometimes, I will have to turn it off and it will feel much better.

In addition, if I get too close to TV, sometimes, I will have to walk back some distance before I feel comfortable enough.

Computer

I remember vividly the day right before I went into the psychiatric ward the second time.

At some point, this voice must have told me to shut all electronic devices down... including the computer that locates right next to where my head is next to my bed.   (Bad thing... now it seems...)

My sister who also lived in Flushing came checked on me because my mom was worried.

I would not open the door.

When I finally opened the door and when she wanted to go online to check on some office work, I would not allow her to turn it on.

Maybe, she eventually got it switched on or maybe not.  Forgot already.

In retrospective, one thing I would say is... perhaps... my voices and delusions were right along the way? 8-O lol sigh

Cell phone

I am one of the last person on this planet without a cell phone and, to be honest, I don't really like handling cell phones unless necessary because there is something I could feel.

For all these years, my mother and everyone else has been trying to pursuad me to use a cellphone.  My excuse has always been... I am already in front of a landline and on the computer the entire day.  Why do I need a cellphone?  8-O lol

If I am really EHS, maybe this is a good thing that I followed my intuition and resisted the peer pressure? 8-O lol

Of course, there might be one day when I really need to get a cellphone.  At that point, guess I would have to really make sure I don't use it unless necessary.

When did it start?

Maybe I was born sensitive to begin with.  However, I suspect that it was not until the accident in June 19th, 2007 when the hypersensitivity got intensified.... guess... the change in the energy field might have resulted in some changes in the magnetic field in my body? God knows and.. whatever.... 8-O lol

So how am I dealing with using computer right now?

Before I get 備長炭, from last night on, I found this towel containing the ingredient called 竹炭, and I hang the towel right before my chest... sort of looking like what you do when trying to feed babies.... 8-O lol

Does it make me feel better?

I guess... sort of... regardless.

At the same time, another question I have...

If there really is such thing called Electromagnetic hypersensitivity (EHS), what it means is that Electromagnetic fields could have impact on people.  Does it mean the non-EHS are not affected by then just because one is not hypersensitive enough to experience its immediate impact?

Seroquel withdrawal

I have a theory-- a lot of things I experienced in the past two years have something to do with Seroquel... even with the qi theory applied...

Following are some of the physical symptoms I think might be related:

1. Esophagus spasm, 
2. Dry mouth: so dry that the walls of esophagus would stick together, 
3. The never ending coldness coming out from all over the body, the head, the mouth and ears, nose, and ears at times
4. The bouts of hot flashes... 
5. The cycling between hot and cold... provided... not yet menapause 
6. Sleep problems
7. Shaking of the body
8. Yawning and tearing
9. Sneezing

The coldness and yawning thing I still can not shake after almost 1.5 to 2 years... I think... Hope I could shake the ice-age at yawn off soon...

A google search returns many results from patients going through similar kind of complain...

At the same time, apparently, many other drugs could give you similar kind of experiences.. legal or illegal such as cocaine.

God bless us all going through or having gone through the withdrawals or dosage changes of any.

Hopefully, soon we all shall see the light in the end of the tunnel just as many others who were also in the tunnel before...

Cold chills

http://www.wellsphere.com/bipolar-disorder-article/seroquel-withdrawal/790442
http://answers.psychcentral.com/Medications/seroquel-withdrawal-scare-1/
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090223/msgs/882869.html
http://www.crazymeds.us/CrazyTalk/index.php?/topic/9839-seroquel-withdrawal-can-it-be-done/page__st__20
http://www.topix.com/forum/drug/seroquel/TRH6Q95A8IBAFRLTN/post801

Yawning
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/Excessive-Yawning-Eyes-tearing-w--OC-W-D/show/410365
http://www.drugtalk.com/seroquel/drugthread.php/t-701100.html?highlight=

The hotspring of Beitou 北投露天溫泉

Yesterday, I went with my family to 北投露天溫泉 or the blue Sulfur hotspring (青磺泉) of  Beitou... to 泡湯...

Theoretically, blue sulfur hotspring is supposed to be good for  skin diseases, gout, and muscle aches.

Nice place to hang and economical... 40 Taiwanese dollar for general admission... less than 2 US dollars that is... public bath, though, meaning... you share it with everyone else...

You have a good 2 hours to spend in there.  It should be sufficient amount of time since it is commonly suggested that one should not stay in for over an hour.

Personally, every time I sense it is over the limit of my body, I will get out of the water and do some of my swinging thing on the outside.  Might look pretty strange to the others... yet... ain't like they are gonna remember me...

In terms of ventilation, impeccable ventilation provided since it is open air...

The only issue I see with this location is... the lack of disability access.

First of all, them stairs were scary... slow and steady... I was able to move myself eventually down and up.  Not quite sure how people on wheelchair could get in.... At the same time, for the dressing room... it would have been nice if they could set up a larger dressing room for people with special needs.

Regardless, a great place to visit for your health benefits and an entertaining experience, too.

At the same time, base on commonsense, hot bath in hotspring somehow should also be beneficial for the flow of qi... 行氣... and should be good for my body conditions. 

Can't quite tell you whether it helped... though I suspect that it might have based on . One thing I could tell you is that, even though the temperature of the water is much higher than the body temperature... in that kind of circumstances... I could still feel the coldness coming out of my body at points.... 

Slightly schizophrenic 輕微的精神分裂

Went to see the psychiatrist today...

Told him that I am on a qua of 25 mg...

"So little?" So he commented.

"Ya... so little.  Do I still need to be medicated since I am taking so little meds?"

"Do you still have hallucinations?"

"Ya.  They pop up once in a while."

"You still need meds.  Maybe you should go on with the whole pill."

"No... I don't want to because, on days when the qua is bigger... I am all zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz the entire day."

"You still have 輕微的精神分裂 (mildly or slightly schizophrenic?).  Keep your meds."

Walked out from the office... so I thought to myself...

輕微的精神分裂.... mildly or slightly schizophrenic?

Wow... isn't it so wonderful... only slightly....really nice...

I was all excited and I got home happily announce the news... except for... oops... other people seem to be seeing it differently... more or less like... "Oh... so sad... schizophrenia..." 8-O

Anyways, I am happy about being mildly or slightly schizophrenic as opposed to anything more than mild or slight.

I want to try my best to keep it mild and slight.... wishing for one day... when all symptoms could go into remission all the way till I stop kicking at the age of 90+ years old living a good life and in good health... 8-O lol

Whatever it takes... even if it means I have to let go all conventional pursuit in etc.

This is a perfect example why sometimes it is better to have less.... 8-O lol

Fxck up v.s. normal: Quotes from Madness

Some quotes from Madness by Marya Hornbacher.

"My new therapist tells me that I don't know how to live without crisis. "  P. 249

"I've been a total fuckup.  I couldn't do a single basic thing that normal people do every day without falling apart or having a nervous breakdown.  Normal people just do things.  It's not a big deal."  P. 250

Who and what are normal people?

The therapist...

"See, the thing is, you've got this idea of normal that's not normal.  Normal people don't do everything  perfectly.  You don't have to do everything perfectly to be normal. "  P. 251

Then, what does it mean to be normal?

 "Your problem is that you're so used to being in crisis that your whole perception of yourself is as a fuckup, a permanent fuckup, never someone who gets to not be a fuckup, so you have to torture yourself and hate yourself just to be as good as everyone else.  You're having a hard time realizing that you're not a fuckup anymore."  P. 251

"But if you're not trying to be perfect, then how do you know if you're doing things right?"

"The best I can do is sometimes completely fail,"  I say...... "The rest of us do it all the time."

Bewildered, I wonder out to my car.

Nothing new under the sun

Speaking of there ain't nothing new under the sun...

The question of me coding my own words...

Thought of that before...

Thank God... someone iconic I could cite about methodology...

Don't ask me... go ask Frankl... 8-O lol

Dreams

"No dream, no matter how horrible, could be as bad as the reality of the camp."

-- Page 41 in Man's search for meaning by V. Frankl

Happy Six round (Why am I happy)

I might not be happy all the time but I make it my life's goal... the pursuit for happiness.

This posting marks the end of the never ending Happy Six round...

Why am I happy?(merged with why is it strange that I am happy.): In a nutshell... I am endowed with a few experiences unnecessary for ordinary people with some of which could be conceived as sort of miserable; since life's got varieties, might as well be happy since what could be the alternative... I guess?  8-O lol

Some examples in point format... what I can itemize for you:

1. psychotic with delusions and hallucinations, 
2. propensity for depression, 
3. Anxiety attacks
4. chronic pain, 
5. physical and mobile disability, 
6. can't use my head as in from 2-3 words,
7. can't work, 
8. can't feel, 
9. losing a sense of self,
10. motivation problems, 
11. dosage adjustment of antipsychotic medication, 
12. strange bodily experiences, 
13. strange life experiences but still in one piece and kicking, 
14. accomplished nothing, 
15. invisibly disabled, 
16. ice age... cold air won't stop coming out... especially from my mouth... God.... when is it gonna stop?
17. sleepless with psychotic symptoms, 
18. dry mouth, 
19. spasm in esophagus at bed time leaving you wonder whether you might choke to death in your sleep, 
20. ear-ringing like I am running a train station in my head, 
21. the body jump around like a fish on cutting board when trying to sleep night after night
22. money issues 
23. not disable according to governmental regulations in the US and in Taiwan
24. and... of course, immigration issues concerning the US

Ok... I know ain't like its all that much blah blah blah... and there are too many people far worse off...

Some references covering the above though not all of them...
Something about happiness, A loving trip, Birthday 3, Speed, Grateful, Loving Intentions, Happy New Year, pain, Ratology State Report, Assumptions, Time, Ground zero, Back to that lady, That lady, First Day back to work, Recovery, To feel, Suffering, Humor and Curiosity, Anniversary, The day after... 叫春時段, From the utilities of 英英美代子: Happiness and fear, Lost, Wish for zeros, Lazy and/or invisibly disabled, House gone psychotic, Potion, Walker, What have I done lately, Insanity, Ain't no nothing, Academic pursuits, Dial up vs gigabyte network, Life and game, Reset again, Sidekicks, Crutch, Grandma's words of wisdom, Harassment,  State, Appropriating real, 脫竅, So much more could have been done..., Another first time in my life.., Be honest-- happy?, Cracking, Motivation, Phenomenology,  Ratprincess, to be even more special, Miracle, Love, terminal death, God, Buddha or else?, Life and its unfolding: on extraordinary, Delusion of references: Part I, Dance to..

Niceness disease: Regarding others

As, somehow, I am coming out from the Niceness disease, these past year or two, I observed an increasing propensity for me to "involuntarily" speak out directly what I see, what I think and my ensuing reaction as the truth.

It also feels as if I have gotten into far more conflicts with people than I have in my entire life within such a short time frame.

This is why, at times, I thought to myself... maybe I should lock myself up till the phase past otherwise I would have had no friends left at the end... (speaking of voluntary institutionalization... 8-O lol ouch)

Amazingly, I found that a lot of people love me as I am and accept me as I am... whoever I am.

Back to da auditory form of verbal diarrhea, once I let it out to someone, it feels as if the pressure is released... leaving me only having to deal with the internal consequences.

There were times when I tried to keep it in... These were times when the upset would circle around in my mind... simply wouldn't and couldn't stop... even after a substantiative amount of time-out... It takes the verbal telling to let it go.

Such 口無遮攔 behavior at the extreme form... is more than having a big bad mouth.  So I have pondered... somewhat compulsive grade...

Of course, such might be the doing of dosage adjustment... a seemingly eternal process of upping and downing....

Such might be the doing of the psychotic symptoms whichever symptom it might be...

Such could also have to do with the sense of bodily discomfort... physical aches and pains as well as what I perceive as the flowing of qi...

At points I do wonder... perhaps, one of the reason why I could excape my psychosis not might have to do with the MO that I did not want to speak the bloody truths and I tried to pretend that I could simply let things go.

Well, in a perfect scenario, we all could simply take things in and let it out... like some people's superb digestive system I so very envy... they eat and they go to the toilette... wow... how nice... 8-O lol

People like me, unfortunately, might not have that gift and might, on the other hand, be prone to constipations.  Conventional sense of constipation, cognitive constipation... in this context... the take-shit shit can't get out kind of constipation until it PHD- pile high and deep... fomentation and fomentation... to the point of explosion... (oops... a bit gross here... 8-O lol)

Speaking of 沼氣不發無奈何.... (oops... too traumatic a scene)

I am not gonna BS you into believe that I have the best personality on earth... Duh... Who am I lying to...

Neither do I have the best temper.

However, as I have mentioned in the previous posting, I gradually came to believe that, though not all, but, a large part of my being nice could have been propelled by my psychotic symptoms... however bad it might sound and it might portrait me as a bad person.

Yet, I simply have to be honest to myself.

I want to be nice to people because I want to be nice and I believe I was born nice. (How come 曾子's 人性本善 sounds so strange in my words... 8-O lol)

I don't want to be nice because it was the doing of my psychosis.

Not because I am afraid how the entire world might condemn or praise me for what I have said or done (or not).

Not because I am afraid of how the entire world might be made known the unspoken thoughts formed or in formation in my head.

Being nice simply for a selfish reason.. being nice to the others makes you feel nice, too.

Now I learn or I am continuing to learn my lessons... the truth have to be spoken as the reality has to be faced with 100% authenticity and not be cumulated inside... and so on... provided.. to err is human.... though I shall refrain from erring (8-O is it even a word? 8-O lol)

However, please let me be nice because I want to be nice and please the phase eventually fade like all other phases I have lived through... beginning with minimizing the affected area.... while I go on conquer da can't-mind-my-own-business disorder as a broken back mountain. 8-O lol

(Some thoughts drafted in association with others.)

Happy Six round (Other)

Some how I got blocked with the "other."   Perhaps, all that has been revealed is but the separation from the "self"... or the deviation from the "self".  Once the zerbrechen emerge... there form the struggles and the ensuing efforts to bridge the gap...

For instance, paranoia is rooted in the existence of the "other" regardless the nature of the other.  Think about it... shall there be only "me" or the "self" and shall "other" exist not, you have only you to worry about.

When there exist you only, what might be the topics of the concern?  Fewer... I suspect...  Am I healthy?  Do I have enough food and nutrients to keep me alive?

It is the same reason why I felt scared when feeling the sense of self dissolving... an experience I can't really describe further with my limited words.

Also, the same reason why I try so hard to get myself from the unself zone... dreaming state, 2-3 word state, unable to walk state and all them otherwise mentioned but not specified here kind of states...

The reasons I work so hard to bring myself back... to bring myself back to what I consider as my "self."

Since it might not yet be time for the "other" to be looked upon in depth, I might as well simply push the basic descriptions.

In general, there is a sense that "self<->other" might be a dimension higher level than "What you can do" and "How could you think."

At the same time, what I am posting here is only part of the generation process.

Other

What is in it for the others? Some things have nothing to do with me. But other people's doing well could make you feel happy, too, unless you insist on otherwise... 
The delusional social justice, John Doe, My parents, I can't do it... God... why do you make me so wrong?, Episode, Beautiful People, Church, Reactions, A good reason to smile, Romantic, Adult education- Mama at large, The cultural perspective, Niceness and disease, Be honest-- happy?, From the utilities of 英英美代子: Happiness and fear, The meaning of uselessnes, Why, I didn't do it

People help thyselves
Beautiful People

How am I viewed? (Merged with "Other people's acceptance"): Issues relating to acceptance, the attempt to behave in a way that might lead to other's acceptance, the fear of not being accepted, the attempts to negate the acceptance complex
Ratopia, Evil, The end of a new beginning, The Ratological Book, Niceness and disease, My parents, Million Dollar Baby, One thing at a time, You are my hallucinations and delusions, Delusional,

Grades for my writing

Woke up from this dream before I start my ordinary sneezing attack...

Was reading the grades for my writing....

Content-wise... A, A- B+ or so...

In terms of grammar... D across the board... oop..

Not bad writing

Haven't written in Chinese for almost two decades... tried to come up with a cover letter in Chinese...

Also... 傷腦筋... my brain boo boo....8-O lol

After I got the draft out, I gave it to the expert... mama who used to be a teacher in Chinese composition...

It took me something like 20-30 minutes to come up with the draft and... it has taken her almost an hour editing my writing... and still going on... 8-X

At some point, she made this comment... "Wow... your Chinese 造詣 is really good.."

All suspense dissipated.

"Of course..." I walked away all perky...

Take it as a complement even if she were comparing my writing to that of elementary school kids... such as my young nephew attending the American School in Taiwan... 8-O lol

歡喜就好

Everyday, I hear this song 歡喜就好...



Which reminds me of da 歡喜就好.... a song exceptionally scary to me when adjusting to 6+- mg of Seroquel... 8-X

Finally, as I thought to myself... might be the election season... popping my head out... I saw the car broadcasting the song... also... election season...

So I thought... interesting... gotta be something pretty traumatic... da end of Down with Meds era... 歡喜就好

A expert grade talent

All else I have not accomplished in my life so far...

I have expert grade talent in beating myself up... and really well...

Not trying to sound grandiose... but... I don't think I can find too many other people who can beat me up as well as I do... of course... in words... 8-X lol

Takes a whole of time and practice to reach this state though haven't reached mastery yet... 8-O lol

Why beating myself up?

In pursuit of a leveled field to be grounded as construction follows deconstruction after cleaning up. (Where did it come from? Don't ask me. Whatever... 賈雨村言.... 8-O 8-X lol)

Staying with my parents

I am staying at my parents' place after back in Taipei...

One sentence describes the strange situation called staying with my parents...

We drive each other crazy.  8-O lol

Happy Six round (How could you think)

(The is the second part of Happy Six round.  See link for the more info on how these codes come about and the restrictions: Happy Six round (What you can do).)

"How do normal people think" remains to be a question to me from then or even before... and the normal people I asked can't quite tell me how they think.... might have something to do with the strange question I asked... "How do you think?" 8-O lol

The only thing I could do is to figure out how I think... I guess... 8-O lol

The following codes are associated with thinking patterns.

I wanted to retain the original code "Ordinary stuffs, to emphasize how impressive it is that we can perform the ordinary things that we do.  Yet, since there is too much overlap between Appreciation and Ordinary stuffs, I eventually merged the two codes together.  The emphasis, I guess, would be placed in the description "the most minute stuffs."

How could you think?

1. A cliche... I am my worst enemy: The good new. You have 24/7 total access to conquer yourself. 8-O lol
2. Appreciation (gain, regain) (merged with Ordinary stuffs): Find the gain, regain and ungain in the most minute stuffs and be appreciative and grateful about them.
3. Been there, done that.  Don't need it no more.... perhaps...
4. Don't take it too serious.. especially yourself.
5. Focus on love and loving thoughts: people you love and people who love you, loving images and things that make you happy
6. It's only human... (Just don't stop there): Call God bad names though I would not advise, want to leave some money to your family, complain, not enough money, the wanting to beat-somebody-up moments
7. Nothing so grand to kill thyself for
8. Preferences: You can chose your preference such as choosing a worldview dominated by happiness grounded in reality.
9. Something will come back: The not so good phase will past, something better will come back... Be reasonably positive because I never promised you a rose garden. 

Code generation history: Strategies (First iteration)+getting things done (Second iteration)+Who I am (Third iteration)+Could do Ordinary thing (Fourth iteration)+Other (fifth iteration)+ What you can do (Sixth iteration)

Following are the codes and the linked source files which will provide more detailed contexts.

How could you think?

Annona atemoya Hort 鳳梨釋迦

Today I tried out 鳳梨釋迦 (Annona atemoya Hort) for the first time...

It is sweat like 釋迦 but can't be easily peel off like 釋迦... At the same time, tasting sort of like guava...  It is so huge that... half of it is almost enough for the entire meal.

Both mama and I thought this is another invention of the almighty Taiwanese farmers....

It was not until when I was looking up the English translation of 鳳梨釋迦 did I realize that... 鳳梨釋迦 (Annona atemoya Hort) is the hybrid of cherimola and Annona squmosa and it was developed in Florida way back in 1908.

Don't recall that I have seen this fruit in the US... unless...

Possibility 1... I thought what I saw was ordinary 釋迦...
Possibility 2... sort of like possibility 1... you don't see what you don't know...

Then, even more strange revelation came out as I was looking for the translation of the traditional 釋迦.... for the past 30-40 years, I thought 釋迦 is a native product of Taiwan... only to realize just now... it actually is 阿斗子... imported to Taiwan from Latin America by the Dutch... 8-O

That poor head of mine...午夜花

Just got off the phone with my aunt...

Somewhere during the conversation, she asked, "How is your back?"

"Much better... except for too much damages all over the body.  Have improved big time."

After the phone call, I thought to that poor head of mine... gotta be singing 午夜花...


Everybody could see the apparent mobility problem... people ask how my back is...

Nobody ever ask about you... of course, might have something to do with I don't really go about telling people that... yo... me sick in the head... 8-O lol

At the same time, the head condition seems to have improved even more... though gradually...

Last night, I took the larger qua of the 25 mg pill... which would make it 6-7 mg... today... I feel pretty well-drugged... zzzzzzzzzzz....

Here comes the question...

What do you do to help your head?

I don't know.... simply do whatever I have been doing all along... I guess... 8-O lol

Do you really believe that what you do to help your body really help your head, too?  Thus, the mind clears its path with the body takes its hit?

God know... would defeat the purpose to ask further.  8-O lol

Volcano, tsunami, earthquake

On the news, they reported the volcano, tsunami and earthquake in Indonesia... and the lost of lives.

And those news about flooding, wind damages, landslides, volcano eruptions... even the tsunami back years ago...

All remind me of the apocalypse I saw in my imaginary world...

God bless... God bless us all to do good things and be good people to help ourselves..

The scary forces of nature...

Reloading ratology helped someone... 8-O

Last night, after dinner, my head went circling around like a doggie chasing its own tail.. (how cute... 8-O lol)

"You people blah blah blah.. and blah blah blah... till blah^n..."

Keep on looping through...

Then, I got back to Nvivo... continue to plow through my own codes...

Happy people happy thoughts...

It's only human...

Learn to stop...

Oops... all clear...

It helped... my own writings help at least one person... called myself... 8-O lol

Who do you want to save?  Da self... lol